New here- Need advice

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Spring Time Blossom, Apr 1, 2019.

  1. Spring Time Blossom

    Spring Time Blossom New Fapstronaut

    Hi everyone.

    I am new here. My husband has a problem with porn. I found this out a few months into our 6 year relationship when I found out he was using it daily but also talking to people he had met on erotic literature forums. He broke down, apologised and promise never to do anything like that again...

    I have now caught him 6 or so more times using pornography over the last few years. Last night I found out he was back on it and had tried to hide it from me. I’m devestated and really don’t know what to do. He makes all of these promises and he does really well for a few months and then goes back. It’s the lies and the sneakiness that I can’t stand and I just need to know how to deal with this better and maybe places to signpost him to get help.

    I’ve asked if it’s me (I’ve put on weight since having my daughter) or whether I’m just not enough for him. He says no and that he loves me but I can’t shake this feeling of utter worthlessness.

    I feel like I let him off too easily and he never actually has to earn his place back. I’m too quick to appear to forgive him for the sake of our marriage and the children and I think I’m almost sending the message that his behaviour is ok because I’ll just get over it in a week or so- of course the reality is that I’m heartbroken and numb and not over it at all.

    Sorry for the rambling, hope it makes sense. I’ve barely slept last night so not entirely coherent.
    Nugget9 and Butterfly1988 like this.
  2. Many of us SO have gone, or are going, through the same thing and feel the same way. This is a good place for you to get support and encouragement. I'm glad you're here.

    If your husband is ready to change and get free, this is a great place for him also. There is so much good information about this addiction here. He can also get help, support, and encouragement.

    For so many, this is an addiction. It's not as easy as making a promise not to do it again. My PA promised never to do it again several times throughout our 9 year marriage only to go back to the porn and the lying again and again. It wasn't until this time when he really started addressing the addiction that I am seeing changes.

    It won't be easy for either of you, but it is possible! It's possible for him to be free of the addiction and it's possible for you to heal from the betrayal.

    If you have other questions or need encouragement or support, reach out here. Starting a journal here is very helpful also.
  3. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

    So sorry this is happening to you. There are many here who can help. Please read some of the Significant Other journals as well as some of the addict journals by those who have been successful fighting this addiction. It might give you hope. Best wishes and hugs to you.
  4. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

    There are some excellent resources and knowledgeable people here who can offer advice, support and computer tech skills to track activity.
    Always remember, you are dealing with an addict...and what do addicts do? Lie, deceive, cheat, etc...
    Education on sexual addictions is a wise move as is getting support for yourself. You are worthy of love, commitment,compassion and deserve the best of the best. Learn everything you can on boundaries and most important, put yourself first in your healing journey.
    I have days where I’m hopeful, discouraged, frustrated and EXTREMELY ANGRY.
    Best of luck
  5. Nugget9

    Nugget9 Fapstronaut

    I am a PA and my gf of 17 years has caught me a dozen times, and this time is the last time. If you look at her stuff, @Numb she has a lot of helpful information that has helped other people also. Have him read and have him join this site. Good luck to you.
    hope4healing likes this.
  6. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    I made a resources list in my signature that I usually recommend new users to go. It has everything from what is porn addiction to betrayal trauma all the way to explaining how porn can be seen as cheating.
    Okokokok28, Lostneverland and Nugget9 like this.
  7. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

    Excellent...thank you SO MUCH.
  8. Shy_1990

    Shy_1990 Fapstronaut

    Im a porn addict and my girlfriend finding out was one of the most embarrassing but also best things that could have happened to me. She has put her foot down hard and its actually helping me even though I do resist a little. But now its all out in the open and we can have frank and uncomfortable discussions about things which helps tackle the problem head on.
    what i hope you understand is that it has nothing to do with you. My gf is amazing in the looks department. But I couldn't get an erection over her no matter how hard I tried because the porn just wrecked my body and in turn the only way I found sexual release was to ignore her and look at porn. Its a nasty cycle but its not your fault. If he stays clean for a while he will realise how beautiful you are.

    So don't be afraid to come down hard on him. Infact, I think tough love it what he needs from you at the moment. Its a tough addiction to kick. Its true that if he doesn't want to change he might be a lost cause. But if he is like me he needs a big push to get going in the right direction.
    Deleted Account and Nugget9 like this.
  9. Spring Time Blossom

    Spring Time Blossom New Fapstronaut

    Thank you so much everyone. It’s made such a difference reading all of your advice and stories. This week has been ok. He’s trying really hard so I’m hopeful for the future. Obviously, I know it won’t all be smooth sailing but I’m feeling stronger to tackle the difficult times.
  10. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    You may find.that setting boundaries and creating consequences when they are broken us the best way to handle this. Things such as no porn or porn substitutes (p-subs), no masturbation, absolutely no lying, telling you withing 24 hours of a slip or relapse, etc...
    hope4healing likes this.

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