New here - relapsed and may have lost a 7.5 year relationship

That'sJustDandy

That'sJustDandy

Fapstronaut
NoFap Defender
Hi,

This is something of a cross-post, but I'm new and may have lost the person that means a lot to me. I'm trying to throw myself into this. So please forgive me.

New to NoFap, but I've been here before in terms of porn addiction. Around the start of uni I had a big thing with porn that nearly ended my relationship. We scraped through, but we were shaken, and it took us a few years of me being good to get back on track. She's an amazing girl, and gave me so many chances. Saying I don't deserve her is an understatement. We're still together now, a few years down the line, but my relapsing may have ended that - she's so hurt, devastated and doesn't feel like I could love her, given my actions and the fact that I knew what it did the last time, and what it could do now - I may have destroyed a 7.5 year relationship with the woman I love and that I wanted to spend my life with over pixels. This has come out in the last few days. I'm dealing with it better than I did the time at uni, and while I'm proud of myself for trying to give her answers in a mature way (at uni I had a tendency to cry and stammer 'I don't know' when questioned), there's a chance that thanks to me, this is over.

I've moved about 1.5 hours away from home for a new job. Things were fine between us. I've been in this job about a year now, but since starting, I've relapsed - I'm isolated from my girlfriend, family and almost all of my friends, the boost you get from an orgasm has been a big 'reward', I have a problem with my own lack of/poor willpower, and probably worst of all, I think I thought I wouldn't get caught. The fact that I can have been this thoughtless is horrible.

Trying to rebuild myself and going for a 'normal' reboot - thanks for reading guys.
 
Hey man,

Keep journaling your days here and you will see you will feel better and better...

Since I started this nofap journey and get commited with the website I haven't relapsed...

be strong!
 
Hey That'sJustDandy!

I'm in a very similar situation, close to a break up due to my repeated relapses. It's quite a tough time emotionally, so hang in there! Just wanted to say that you are not alone in this.
 
People saying things like this are what makes me thing here can help. We're talking, thankfully, and things are obviously strained, but I think being honest about this helps - and that's hard.

Hope you and your SO can work through your stuff, Salter. Good luck.
 
That'sJustDandy said:
People saying things like this are what makes me thing here can help. We're talking, thankfully, and things are obviously strained, but I think being honest about this helps - and that's hard.

Hope you and your SO can work through your stuff, Salter. Good luck.
Click to expand...

I've been dating my gf for 5 years and I told her about this addiction something like 3 years ago...

One new strategy i'm using that is helping me to avoid porn is that I requested my gf to ask me everynight if I watch porn or not... The shame of saying yes to that question is also keeping me far from using porn...
 
She's tried asking me a couple of times this week, though initially questioned if I'd just lie (fair). I also tried to call her a couple of times in quick succession yesterday and she initially thought I'd been looking at stuff again. It's weird, I feel bad for these things, like I'm the victim. I mean, I snap out of that, and it's not what I think, but it's surprising how defensive we can get when challenged, even by someone we love.
 
That'sJustDandy said:
It's weird, I feel bad for these things, like I'm the victim. I mean, I snap out of that, and it's not what I think, but it's surprising how defensive we can get when challenged, even by someone we love.
Click to expand...
It's a weird feeling, I know. The thing is, in a normal situation where a person finds themselves engaged in destructive behavior, they can just stop. Social media, for instance. I realized that I was wasting a lot of time and only getting upset at the same moronic crap people were saying on social media, so I decided to stop. It was easy. I've hardly been on Facebook since, only to keep up with business stuff. PMO, on the other hand, is an addiction. It's wrapped in your psyche. You can have full knowledge of what it is doing to you and how, be disgusted by it, make plans how to defeat it, put up blockers, confess to your loved ones, and STILL you can be swept off in an irrational moment. You have used it not as a form of sleazy entertainment, but a way to self soothe, to deal with emotional turmoil. When you try to quit, you are not only denying yourself the familiar, reliable way to deal with your negative feelings (isolation, uncertainty), you have also given up your security blanket and your brain is freaking out. So when you have made the mature, reasonable resolution to quit and still find yourself torn apart by your urges, it does feel like you are a victim. You are trying, as hard as you can, why can't people just leave you alone? And you add guilt and frustration to the pile of negativity that you are dealing with. For a lot of us, quitting porn is the hardest thing we have ever done.

It is your responsibility, though. You were the one who put yourself in this hole, and it is now up to you to get out. It's hard, but it's possible. You have to keep trying. After every reset, take a step back and figure out why that happened, then take steps to block it off and make sure it never happens that way again. If it was boredom, find a way to stay busy. If it was because you got on an Internet search that started innocent but gradually got raunchy, ban yourself from Internet except for necessary tasks. If it happened because you drowsed too long in the morning, make it your new habit to get up right away and take a cold shower. Nothing is too extreme to get rid of this addiction.
Except for maybe chopping off your parts. That might be taking it a little far.
 
First of all welcome. You need to remember that addiction isn't rational and will power alone won't help. You will have to learn to face the discomfort and when it gets to be too much during some of the urges have set things you can do until they pass. We have all been where you are, when you pmo and you say to yourself "why did I just do that, I knew I shouldn't but did it anyway". One thing you should do is learn as much you can about the addiction, YourBrainonPorn.com is a great place to start. Don't just learn a little learn everything you can. This forum will have a lot of great things too. You need to make a game plan, if you aren't sure what I am talking about just ask around the forum. Willpower alone will not get you through, your brain is a lot smarter than you think and can get you to look again. I know that sounds weird but the addicted side of your brain knows a lot of ways to make you look. It will rationalize with you, it will tell you to just see if anythings knew, you will random feel bad and don't know why, there is a multitude of things it can do that you won't have control over. The one thing you have control over is your actions from here on out, you don't have to click and nothing will make you watch porn. Good luck and keep writing on the site.
 
So sorry for this hard time. It will pass and you can shoose to let it make you stronger.

Couple of things:

1. You need to get healthy for you. Obviously you love her and want her back, but if you are just doing all this for her, it won't work. What if she leaves you (which I don;t think needs to happen) will you still want to recover. Or if you are together, but then you have a fight one night, does that mean you can get revenge by acting out.

You are a valuable person. You are worth recovery. i don;t know you, or if you kick puppies on the street, or if you steal candy from little kids. BUt you, by virtue of being a person, are valuable and deserve an addiction free, loving life existence.

2. Related to that, you do deserve her. I know its a cute thing guys say to compliment their gfs or wife, but saying "I don't deserve her" implies a couple things.

-That she is slumming to date you, she thinks your a piece of shit, but for some reason decided to date you anyway. NO! You are not perfect, and she is amazing and beautiful to you, and she is not perfect, and guess what...she finds you amazing and handsome. If she's as great as you think, don;t you think she could be with someone else? She chose you. You didn't trick her. It's been 7+ years. She is drawn to you. She even forgave you.
-It also implies that you are not that great and don't deserve good things in your life.(see #1)

Stop selling yourself short. Looking at porn makes you feel like a piece of crap. Then you believe that and do it again. And over and over until you hate yourself and stop expecting good things in life. I'm not saying you don;t have to work for good things, but you are not disqualified from a good life because of P.

So pour your guts out to her. Tell her how important she is to you. Tell her the plans you have to stop doing this. Tell her she will play a part, but that it is not up to her to keep you sober. That's why we are here. She has enough to handle without having to carry you.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top