Hello guys. First of all I would like to congratulate everyone on this site. This is a very nice way to help other people and I feel everyone here is on the same boat. English is not my mother tongue, so I feel sorry for the occasional mistakes I may commit here. For obvious reasons, I don't want to say my real name, so you can call me "Rafanal". I'm writing here seeking for help and also to share my journey with someone who might be interested to read. I hope you people can understand me and not judge me. There are some triggering worlds ahead, so be careful. . . . . . . I started seeing porn when I was 8 years old (yes I know I was very young) after some school friends were talking about how humans have babies. I joined the conversation and started to ask questions about this subject, and later on that day, I started to search for this subject on the internet and discovered the world of porn. Since that day I have never stopped. I didn't even know what to do while seeing porn because I was so young, but of course I felt something good while seeing it, and after some time I discovered how to handjob, masturbate, whatever. I'm 23 years old now. When I was 11 years old, I started to ask myself what the girls in porn felt while being penetrated in the ass, and because of this I started to penetrate myself in the ass (i'm a boy). First with my finger, and from time to time I tried some other things, searched for penis-shaped objects. As the years went by, I kept doing this, seeing porn and penetrating myself with objects while masturbating, always searching for new objects. I have been into "normal" porn until the age of 12, and after that I started to search for something harder, more specifically, hardcore anal and gaping. I don't know why but sometimes, very rarely, I wish I could be the girls in the porn, and not the boys. When I was 15, I was talking with a friend and I realized he liked men instead of women. I went to his house and I agreed to let him fuck me. I felt some pain at the beginning but I liked to be fucked, although I always liked girls. At the age of 17 I had my first sexual experience with a woman, and I paid her to have sex with me. I think the correct name of this place in english is "whorehouse". I also liked to fuck a woman, although I was drunk. Also when I was 17 I had a girlfriend, I really liked her and we were together for 4 years and 6 months. During this time we had sex only a few times. I don't know why but I think she were assexual (someone who does not like sex, I don't know how to explain, my english skills are not that good). I always wanted to have sex but she did not, so I think I started to watch even more porn because of this. She never knew I liked to fuck myself with objects and it never caused my any kind of problems, not even erection problems or whatever. I used to fuck myself even dating that girl, while I was alone in my house. I started to search for bigger objects, until I bought a big cucumber and that is my favorite object until today. From time to time I go to the mall just to buy it. I don't know why but when I spread some oil in my ass and put a huge cucumber on there, I feel so good, so delicious, I sit on it and start to jump on it as fast as I can, and when I get exhaust I try another position. I feel my ass really need it, as if my ass would ask for it, but everytime I cum I really regret doing that. I started to watch videos of big cocks (especially big black cocks) fucking the girls, and oh my god I wish I could be fucked that way, with no mercy. So I decided it was time to find a real big cock to fuck me, so I went to a gay steam room, turkish bath (I don't know how you call it in english) with my gay friend I said here in this post. While there, I couldn't find a big cock like the ones I see in porn, but i got fucked by normal cocks anyway. One day while searching for porn, I stumbled on sissy hypno porn, more specifically BBC sissy hypno porn. Oh my god I loved it. I wish I could be the girls in these videos and be fucked by lots of big black cocks. I feel so stuned, so mesmerized when I see those extremely gorgeous girls undressing their hot clothes, their yoga pants, their panties, to get fucked by big black cocks, and I feel even better if I fuck myself hard with a big cucumber while masturbating and seeing that videos. I get hard just by typing this. If I had a button to instantly become a hot girl, I would press it, no doubts, but I would never submit myself to a surgery. I also created an account on a very famous porn site, just to upload some photos of myself dressed with panties and bra (omg I feel so good dressing sexy panties and that stuff, and even better if I fuck myself with a cucumber while dressing. I remember dressing my mother panties twice when I was young and alone) and with a cucumber inside my ass, and to chat with other people about that sissy stuff. After some time, I went to a kind of "sex party" only for men (I don't know how to call it in english) thrice, seeking for big cocks, but all of my attempts failed, only found normal cocks, and got fucked by them. Porn has never caused my any trouble, until now. I feel I'm addicted to that kind of sissy big black cock porn, I want to be dominated and fucked hard by what they call "alpha male", by real big black cocks. I wanna be gangbanged and used by lots of them. OMFG I NEED THAT SO MUCH!!!!!! I'm trying to stop watching porn, I'm already 35 days without it, but the more I stay off from porn, the more I want to watch it, I feel I gonna explode! I also have another girlfriend now, she loves to have sex with me but we can't have sex everyday because she lives with her parents, she studies and blablabla, but we have sex every week. I also entered in a gym, academy, I don't know the correct word, one year ago. I'm getting a good body, becoming stronger (I want to be like the guys of Mr. Olympia ! hahaaha, just kidding) but everyday when I go to gym, there are a lot of very hot girls with yoga pants, omg it freaks me out, I feel masculine at the gym while exercising but when I see these girls with their yoga pants shoved in their asses, I want to be one of them and you know, get fucked hard by BBC. I'm sorry for the long post, I just wanted to tell it to someone because I'll never say such a thing for my real friends or family. I don't know if I'm normal. I want to be a normal man, I want to stop fantasizing about being a girl and that stuff. I don't know what to do. I hope someone here can help me. Thanks a lot guys, everyone here is doing a great work!