New here...Starting the process

Hey guys. Like the title says, I'm new here and this is my first post...in other words I'm nervous as fuck to share my story.

A little about myself:
My name is James, I'm 21 years old and I live just outside of Vancouver, BC, Canada.
I work full time as cook, and I'm also pursuing a path with music and business.
Had a good childhood overall, but have had some shit happen as well.
Was physically abused/beaten by my step-father, molested by a babysitter/family friend when I was about 7, never met my real father, blah blah blah sob story blah blah blah.
Everybody has a sob story I guess, but I'm sure that there's a connection to my childhood trauma's and to what I'm dealing with mentally now, as well as other factors.

To get to the point, porn addiction has ruined a big part my life since I was 11 years old.
Recently, my alcohol-usage has been a big issue as I've been self medicating by drinking, and I know that's a dangerous place to be in.

My porn/sex addiction as well as my problem with alcohol have been holding me back from not only success in my career, but finding true happiness and being able to live life for what it is. I started watching porn in about grade 5 via the internet, and internet stimuli mixed with that is what caught me and pulled me in ever since I was a kid. The shit completely stripped me of my innocence at a fast pace. Having come from a family tree with many addicts and people with addiction problems was just an added bonus I guess. I've always had an addictive behavior, to pretty much anything I liked weather it was comic books, music, food, video games, what ever. So while other kids could look at porn normally with moderation, I couldn't. It was all or nothing and the addiction part of it came quick. Fucked up right? 12 years old and already a porn addict. You can imagine how alone I felt about the situation. As I got older it got worse, and I became more and more desensitized to what I was watching, so I started to watch fucked up fetish porns that I never would enjoy in real life, but the stimuli of watching was so gratifying, you know for those 25 seconds of a shame based orgasm.
Here I am now at 21 and it's completely got a hold of me. The past couple years, I've also started to drink to medicate emotionally. Lately I've been starting notice how reliant on it I've actually become on alcohol to get through certain situations. I got to the point where I was hiding bottles in my dresser under my clothes and taking a few shots when i felt like I needed it. To go out, cuz I was upset, bored, depressed. I kept making excuses for my drinking all the time. I kept it (my porn and alcohol problem) hidden secret for so long and I've become more reliant on it. And Porn has been around for so long in my life that it's felt near impossible to shake it. But lately I've just had the realization that fuck it, I'm not going to let this define me as a person. I find that when I don't indulge in these two poisonous things, I function way better in all areas of my life and I feel better about myself. I'm more productive, more alert, and almost mentally awakened I feel. I went for a week with out both about a couple months ago and it was great. Then I fell off the wagon. But I remembered that feeling of actually having genuine confidence and an inspiration to do more. I want to be remembered for something great when I leave this planet, not as some alcoholic pervert. I'm not sure if anyone will read this or see it, but I'm mostly writing this out for my own sake to help myself better understand what's going on in my head and get through this shit. I thank you if you have read this and I appreciate it. I'll post updates when I can about my progress and let you guys know what's happening. It's seriously time for me to kick this shit out of my life.

 

Thanks guys. The past couple weeks have had it's ups and downs. I've managed to stay completely clean from alcohol, and that's already helped me a bunch in my confidence, perception, and life in general. Alcohol withdrawals were rough, but after the first week things started to get better. Unfortunately the longest that I've been able to go without PMO is only a few days. Proud of myself for being able to go at least 3 days with out PMO, but I always seem to give in to the urges. I do productive things during the day that keep me away from it and get me through the urges such as exercise, going for walks, writing and recording music and poetry and house chores. I find that my weakest moments are when I'm in my bed trying to go sleep, or when I first wake up and I'm still in bed. That's when I seem to give in the most . When I'm in my bed, and it's just me, my thoughts and the urges that come. I always tell myself, "I'm NOT indulging in PMO before sleeping tonight", but I almost always do, even when I tell myself no. I was wondering if anyone has any tips or advice to get through the urges in the particular time of going to sleep. Like I said, I keep myself busy during the day to fight the urges, but it's when I'm a lone in my bed, trying to go to sleep that I'm the weakest. I'm happy that I've stopped letting PMO take control of my life during the DAY, as I used to do it about 3-4 times a day, but the night and morning time are the hardest. Thanks again everyone

 

Thanks to you guys who reach out to me!

It's been a while since I've posted here so I just wanted to give an update on my progress. I've managed to stay completely sober from Alcohol for over 3 months, and it's something that I'm super proud of. It's been rough though. Withdrawals, panic attacks, suicidal thoughts, feelings of regret, shame, all of those things I had to go through sober, but I got through it. Unfortunately I haven't been able to stop PMO for longer than a week. I seem to last a few good days, start feeling better about myself... and then I fall back into it. EVERY time I give in, I have those instant feelings of shame and disappointment in myself. This is something that I really want to get out of my life but it's been extremely difficult since I've been trapped in the PMO cycle since I was about 11 or 12. I NEED to get this problem out of my life as It's affecting all areas of my life. I feel like I have more strength with out alcohol in my system though. When I was drinking, it was every day, multiple times a day that I would be PMOing. Now that I'm sober, I seem to be able to do 2-3 days no problem with out, but like I said I just fall back into it and I hate it. I think I need to be more consistent with posting in here and keep myself focused. So I'm telling myself right now, NO MORE. I've come to a point where it doesn't even give me that temporary satisfaction anymore, I just feel dirty and disgusting when I do it. Going to try and post in this thread everyday for my own accountability and to make my plan more concrete in my mind. Working 5pm til Midnight tonight, but when I get home, first things first and I'm posting here, rather than go to porn right away. I think it'll help if I'm involved in this community a lot more and remind myself that I'm not a lone. Thank you to anyone who is reading and following, I'll be back later. now that I'm clear headed with no alcohol in my body, the fight is on!

 

Thank you D.J.
I ended up not working as late tonight, and I'm proud to say that I found my way to this site instead. Instead of going straight to PMO when I got home, I actually had a shower, cuddled my cat a bit and just chilled. Now I'm here I'm proud of that. Instead of trying to deny it and "block the cravings out", I accept that urges/craving will come but the plan is to actually fight through it and keep myself focused on some music/business related tasks until I'm tired enough to fall asleep right away once I hit bed. Will be posting again tomorrow about my progress.
Thanks again guys

 

Today was a fucking amazing day! Felt so good about myself. I'm happy to say I've gone more than a day without PMO and I do feel a lot more focused this time around. Here I come tomorrow!

 

Well I needed up masturbating this morning...with out Porn though! Having mixed feelings about it... but I'm glad that I was able to stay away from watching Porn even in my weakest moment. Working at 6pm tonight. Here's to another day

 

4 months sober from Alcohol today! Haven't completely stayed away from PMO but I'm successfully decreasing how much I do it, and the times inbetween me PMOing are getting longer. SO just working harder everyday to the point where I don't do it at all It's been a rough journey with MANY ups and downs but I finally feel like I'm getting stronger.