New here struggling with hocd.

Hello everyone, thank you for your input and taking the time to read first and foremost.

Sorry if this is hard to read through as it's a lot of info and my writing isn't good :/, but I wanted to share my story so that maybe I could get some insite or help someone else.

So I'll start off by stating I've always been afraid of everything my whole life always compulsively obsessing about things young children shouldn't obsess about. I've also been a dreamer thinking about my dream girl. My first love was Lindsey Lohan (not the drugged up version) on the parent trap. The moment I felt that warm loving feeling I knew I would always love women. However I always was afraid to approach them, deathly afraid of failure as I always thought I was ugly or girly looking. My buddies were simply just my buddies and that's it. I first saw pornographic mags at the age of 6 at a friend's house and I was hooked on you guessed it, boobs. However I was a very convicted and religious young man who was afraid to lust so I avoided porn other than boobs in the movies where I was at full attention. I first masturbated using a sizable enough stuffed animal when i was 12. This is where everything gets weird. It happened to be a marvin the Martian doll so at first I tried to imagine it was the next door neighbor girl, but that didn't work because I couldn't get over the fact that it wasn't anatomically correct. I know that sounds weird, but I remember everything vividly even with hocd, but I remember her little brother who I thought was annoying and certainly not attractive and he fit the doll perfectly. So I pretended I was humping him. It was weird the whole time and I definitely had no attraction to the young kid but it felt so good the first time masturbating with the feeling of the stuffed animal. So I did it a few times more and suddenly thought, "Hey if I keep going at this I might be gay." So I just easily stopped doing it really without having to try. I then went on with my life being myself and going girl crazy. This thought always sticks in my head because my obsessive mind says that's the point where my gayness started.

Before that weird episode I remember a few more weird things before pmo like I found my older sisters thongs sniffing them and then I tried wearing them once and was like never again. But then everything else was staying up late to see the girls gone wild infomercials and finding boobs scenes on movies. That was basically my excitement but with no MO just the rush. Enter the day I found internet porn I was 14. I was hooked. I remember the first thing I ever searched, Mariah Carey naked. It was a fake posted over photo but it was amazing. I still wasn't masturbating however, just turned on or using girl looking stuffed animals to hump (i know pathetic) I then found videos of sex and it was all over from there. At first I was okay with seeing guys junk in straight porn because I had zero interest in it I was just in awe of sex with a female. Then i saw some gay porn links and was disgusted. I was perfectly happy with just straight and lez porn. I literally remember praying to god to take my lust for women away so i didnt end up like my moms ex husband who got addicted to porn and abused her and cheated. I was stupid deep into lust over women. Then as I've been my whole life, I got curious. If I had to be honest I'll map out my escelation. Nude women, hetero sex, lez sex, incest sex, women getting it on with horses and dogs, black girls, grannies and then one fateful day came around gay porn. Let me explain how i got there. I had never been a mean homophobic, I was just always scared of being gay even before puberty I thought I was too girly or gay looking, no offense to gay people. I genuinely never picked on anyone who was gay or made fun of them. So one day the regular pornos werent doing anything for me so my mind goes, "hey what if you're gay?" And the temptation to check first came at that moment. I was 17 now and my life changed when I decided to check gay porn. I wasn't super aroused I was like 50% like an awkward I don't want to be aroused so I got aroused. In fact the more I was afraid of being aroused the more aroused I got. Kind of like I used to be afraid that I would forget how to breathe and the more I worried I actually started to lose my breathe until I snapped out of it. So back to it I eventually got fully aroused but didn't finish. And as I looked in the mirror my life changed as I now know it. From that day on I couldn't stop the thoughts. They started every time I was near one of my friends or family members. At first they were just thoughts soon they turned into that slight horrible arousal feeling. Then I would start testing with gay porn again. I knew I wasn't gay or that I didn't want to be looking ,but I kept testing over and over and sometimes ide be aroused while other times I wouldn't and would feel great for a short time. And this kept happening until I said, "you know what If I masturbate and cums I'm gay right?" So I masturbated and sure enough, I came. And then I thought what if I insert myself into the porn like I do with my straight fantasies no way I could do that? Sure enough I did. And I actually started becoming a deviant and sometimes preferring gay porn! And then even some of the other categories turned gay! Like I started masturbating to gay getting it on with male horse. Like all of those categories that shocked me and grossed me out now gave me arousal. Had I turned gay? My categories could even be gay now? I could imagine getting gang banged by dudes and pro to that! I'm still not attracted to guys and would never want to be with a man.

During this entire time I've had highs and lows of course I met my wife and lost my virginity to her. Sex was great at first and so easy to cut, but over time these gay obsessive fears after and during intercourse I feel like took half of my joy the entire time from my wife. It's to the point to where I'm scared of sex and have to feel a certain way before I can make love to my wife. It robs her and gets to her because she's afraid to initiate now and has a high sex drive. The moment I test during sex and incision her as a man I get repulsed and lose my erection I just feel like a baby back b#$ch and so far from a man. And here I am writing this long story while all in the same day i masturbated 3 times, the first time to a fantasy of a granny, the second to a fantasy of a sexing my own sister, and finally getting gang banged by 4 dudes. How is that even possible? What am I? And I only ever go to gay porn when I'm afraid and need to test. That's it and I end up 50/50 on weather or not I pro. I have no self control anymore with my life. I'm a robot with an amazing driven wife who doesn't even know how bad everything is. All that she knows is that I struggle with porn. I feel raped. Like my life was stolen. This isn't apart of me the true me who loved and respected women, who only knew dudes as his buddies.

I don't know if I need reasurrance or not I'm sure that's half why I posted here. For the first time anywhere. I tried nofap b4 and went 2 weeks. I feel great every time, but then I get too horny for women and I get back on porn and soon or later test myself again repeating the cycle. If anyone wants to know my history with ocd I've always obsessed I convinced my parents to homeschool me after grade 6 because I was so deathly afraid of vomit. I also spent my darkest days before my darkest days now worrying that there is no God or that I will kill my family.

Thanks to anyone who read all that. I needed to clear my head and I hope my detail helped others relate to know that you aren't alone. I'm so very sorry for taking your time but I appreciate.

 

Thanks for the reply and the information. I know ill always be in love with women and it feels good to hear your take on growing up gay. I don't mean any harm when I say hocd. I see how it could be taken offensively. I know it's not some disease I have, i suppose it's an easier way of saying that I've obsessed about the fear of being gay so much that it's always stuck in the back of my head. Kind of like the other two fears I stated before I was really obsessing over being gay. Or how some would call fear of pedophilia pocd or trans ocd. I know i must stop the cycle, but thats the hardest part because when i ween myself off of porn for like say even a week, I get turned on by even women dancing and my mind wants porn and the cycle restarts. I used to use k-9 which helped, but for some reason my android won't allow it. You wouldn't happen to know of another app good for porn blocking would you? Thanks so much again.