New here, wall of text on my desperate situation

Today's events have brought me to the realization that I almost certainly have, among other things, Porn induced erectile dysfunction.

I believe my unfortunate emotional and sex life is the keystone to my current situation, which is that of a 35 year old with a tank of Nitrogen ready in case I eventually opt for the exit-bag solution. No, please, don't go dialling 911 or looking up my ip just yet. The very existence of this post on this forum is proof that there is a will to act and resist.

A possibly excessively long account of my sexual life may help you empathize with my situation.
I have never had a girlfriend for more than a few weeks.
I have never had an orgasm in the company of one of these girlfriends.
The last of these girlfriends was in 1998. I was 18. I am now 35.
I have had a total of 4 orgasms with women, all prostitutes.

Spoiler: Possible undesired sexual content

There is only one sexual experience that I remember very fondly and with almost no regret and it only went as far as kissing and mutual masturbation. I was 17. I didn't have an orgasm and do not know if she did.
The first orgasm was when I was 26. The prostitute jerked me off until i was barely hard, sucked me off with a condom into which I came in less than a minute. The prostitute then refused to even try to get me hard again. I then tried to make some conversation while she waited for her colleague who was working with my mate in the other room. An overall unpleasant experience.
The second was when I was 30. Take note, I'm 30 and I still haven't had intercourse. In a very well organised brothel, a petite Thai woman body massaged me, blew me off with condom until I was hard and I then got to lose my virginity by uncontrollably coming inside of her after no more than 5 pumps. I remember the experience with embarassment and fear although some of the sensations that led up to it were positive.
The third was no more than 2 hours after the second, in the same brothel, with a blonde German bombshell. This experience was longer and more enjoyable although it made me realise that my modest penis size just isn't gonna make it to certain positions. She was probably (or hopefully?) also rather loose which made me feel small inside of her, further reinforcing the negative view of myself.
The fourth and final one was today. Since I was planning on taking my life and already believed that sex was the root of my problems I decided to visit a prostitute in my smallish town in a country where prostitution is illegal. I won't go into needless details but suffice to say I only managed to achieve an erection after a very long session of masturbation and fellatio, and could not keep it up long enough to get a condom on and commence penetration. After a further long session of manual and oral work I achieved a suffered, shamed and unenjoyable orgasm. Let the records show that she was fat and ugly.

Such a disgraceful sexual life has obviously led me to feel less and less secure and has pushed me to find solace in pornography and masturbation.
I have masturbated ever since I was in my first teens. Before the internet the only porn I ever got my hands on was a magazine of naked ladies posing. As soon as I got my first dialup connection I was browsing online porn. In the early years there were "only" static image galleries with erotic stories. With the advent of ADSL came all the websites hosting free porn videos.
Then came camgirls.
I have bought tokens on both MFC and chaturbate. On chaturbate I have gone as far as verifying my account so that I could buy more tokens. I have infact just spent the last of my over 1900$ worth of tokens and deleted my account.
My tastes in pornography have grown dirtier as time went on. I used to distaste anal, I have now given 30$ on chaturbate several times for women to perform anal with a toy. Looking back even further I can still definitely see the constant search for novelty also in the milder genres.

I lead a sedentary lifestyle, am dangerously overweight (110kg,178cm) and have other problems such as a fat and sugary food addiction. I also have a nicotine addiction although after the switch to electronic cigarettes I don't feel this problem as much.
4 years ago I had turned a lot of it around, I had quit smoking, worked out and even had a fairly good looking physique at some point. Nonetheless I was never able to even speak to a woman without feeling anxious and uncomfortable to the point of just giving up altogether.
In light of the information gathered on the matter, the thesis of my brain being scrambled by years of porn and masturbation seems very probable.

I am therefore officially embarking on the nofap pilgrimage that I believe to be a necessary part of my rehabilitation as a human being. I have also made the resolution to contact a psychologist on Monday because I know the way out of my situation won't be as simple as just quitting porn and masturbation.

I trust I will find your support in my time of need.

 

Thank you for your support Rav70!

 

Thank you Kaylee,

it feels good to have the support of such a young woman! I have read your introduction and it has helped me to slowly chisel away at the huge wall of preconceptions I have on women. I still believe that all women want men that are strong, assertive, hot and well-endowed, both physically and economically. I also still believe that I will never be able to be such a man.
I trust that you and the other women on this forum will help me break these walls.