New here, wall of text on my desperate situation

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Tank80, Jan 9, 2016.

  1. Tank80

    Tank80 Fapstronaut

    Today's events have brought me to the realization that I almost certainly have, among other things, Porn induced erectile dysfunction.

    I believe my unfortunate emotional and sex life is the keystone to my current situation, which is that of a 35 year old with a tank of Nitrogen ready in case I eventually opt for the exit-bag solution. No, please, don't go dialling 911 or looking up my ip just yet. The very existence of this post on this forum is proof that there is a will to act and resist.

    A possibly excessively long account of my sexual life may help you empathize with my situation.
    I have never had a girlfriend for more than a few weeks.
    I have never had an orgasm in the company of one of these girlfriends.
    The last of these girlfriends was in 1998. I was 18. I am now 35.
    I have had a total of 4 orgasms with women, all prostitutes.
    There is only one sexual experience that I remember very fondly and with almost no regret and it only went as far as kissing and mutual masturbation. I was 17. I didn't have an orgasm and do not know if she did.
    The first orgasm was when I was 26. The prostitute jerked me off until i was barely hard, sucked me off with a condom into which I came in less than a minute. The prostitute then refused to even try to get me hard again. I then tried to make some conversation while she waited for her colleague who was working with my mate in the other room. An overall unpleasant experience.
    The second was when I was 30. Take note, I'm 30 and I still haven't had intercourse. In a very well organised brothel, a petite Thai woman body massaged me, blew me off with condom until I was hard and I then got to lose my virginity by uncontrollably coming inside of her after no more than 5 pumps. I remember the experience with embarassment and fear although some of the sensations that led up to it were positive.
    The third was no more than 2 hours after the second, in the same brothel, with a blonde German bombshell. This experience was longer and more enjoyable although it made me realise that my modest penis size just isn't gonna make it to certain positions. She was probably (or hopefully?) also rather loose which made me feel small inside of her, further reinforcing the negative view of myself.
    The fourth and final one was today. Since I was planning on taking my life and already believed that sex was the root of my problems I decided to visit a prostitute in my smallish town in a country where prostitution is illegal. I won't go into needless details but suffice to say I only managed to achieve an erection after a very long session of masturbation and fellatio, and could not keep it up long enough to get a condom on and commence penetration. After a further long session of manual and oral work I achieved a suffered, shamed and unenjoyable orgasm. Let the records show that she was fat and ugly.

    Such a disgraceful sexual life has obviously led me to feel less and less secure and has pushed me to find solace in pornography and masturbation.
    I have masturbated ever since I was in my first teens. Before the internet the only porn I ever got my hands on was a magazine of naked ladies posing. As soon as I got my first dialup connection I was browsing online porn. In the early years there were "only" static image galleries with erotic stories. With the advent of ADSL came all the websites hosting free porn videos.
    Then came camgirls.
    I have bought tokens on both MFC and chaturbate. On chaturbate I have gone as far as verifying my account so that I could buy more tokens. I have infact just spent the last of my over 1900$ worth of tokens and deleted my account.
    My tastes in pornography have grown dirtier as time went on. I used to distaste anal, I have now given 30$ on chaturbate several times for women to perform anal with a toy. Looking back even further I can still definitely see the constant search for novelty also in the milder genres.

    I lead a sedentary lifestyle, am dangerously overweight (110kg,178cm) and have other problems such as a fat and sugary food addiction. I also have a nicotine addiction although after the switch to electronic cigarettes I don't feel this problem as much.
    4 years ago I had turned a lot of it around, I had quit smoking, worked out and even had a fairly good looking physique at some point. Nonetheless I was never able to even speak to a woman without feeling anxious and uncomfortable to the point of just giving up altogether.
    In light of the information gathered on the matter, the thesis of my brain being scrambled by years of porn and masturbation seems very probable.

    I am therefore officially embarking on the nofap pilgrimage that I believe to be a necessary part of my rehabilitation as a human being. I have also made the resolution to contact a psychologist on Monday because I know the way out of my situation won't be as simple as just quitting porn and masturbation.

    I trust I will find your support in my time of need.
  2. bizket1

    bizket1 Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

    You have my support and prayers my friend. That's why we come on here. We need to come together in order to walk another day free of pmo. You can see how this has really torn up your life and your well being. But look more towards the light at the end of the tunnel. How dark it is before the dawn as they say. It had to get worse before better and early on it really sucks. I know cuz I am early in reboot myself. But one day without Porn is a damn good day regardless of anything else. You can do this bro. Walk with us.
    kaylee time likes this.
  3. Hi mate,

    Glad that you made it here, and not somewhere else...

    I have been on that ledge before and you should know that is is never the only solution.

    It is very important for you to chat with your doctor, NoFap is something that a is good start, but as you said... and this is very important. NoFap is only a part of a series of things that need to change in your life... like eating better and exercising more.

    Ask yourself the question, why did my pmo habit get as bad as it did in the first place - anxiety around woman/sex?... what caused that anxiety in the first place... is it cyclical? do they feed each other.

    Set yourself up with a journal and post whenever you need to!

    We're with you,
  4. Betamancer

    Betamancer Fapstronaut

    Thanks for opening up, your story was an interesting read in all its tragic glory.

    I sincerely hope that your pilgrimage will give you the results you wish, or at the very least, insights on what your next move should be. The potential is there!
  5. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

    You can change your life and be the man you want to be. I'll be following your story and I'm here if you need someone to talk to. Find peace!
    Tank80 likes this.
  6. Tank80

    Tank80 Fapstronaut

    Thank you for your support Rav70!
    Rav70 likes this.
  7. kaylee time

    kaylee time Fapstronaut

    Hey! Glad you found this community and decided to join us. I wish you all the best on your journey to better yourself. Take it day by day. Like someone said earlier try to focus on the light at the end of the tunnel. Think of it this way. When you're in a train or subway and you're going through a dark tunnel you don't jump out and say screw it just because it got dark. You trust the engineer and that you'll come out of the darkness. Another example is driving in the dark. With headlights on you only need to see the next 200 hundred feet of so to keep driving. You don't just stop because it's dark. So take it day by day. Don't give up. It's gonna be hard but were all here to support and encourage you. So hang in there, were in this together.
    Saskia likes this.
  8. Tank80

    Tank80 Fapstronaut

    Thank you Kaylee,

    it feels good to have the support of such a young woman! I have read your introduction and it has helped me to slowly chisel away at the huge wall of preconceptions I have on women. I still believe that all women want men that are strong, assertive, hot and well-endowed, both physically and economically. I also still believe that I will never be able to be such a man.
    I trust that you and the other women on this forum will help me break these walls.
    kaylee time likes this.
  9. kaylee time

    kaylee time Fapstronaut

    I believe a man isn't defined by his physical features or his stance in society but rather by his heart and his mind. I hope that those preconceptions can indeed be chiseled away with the help here. Don't let those things define who you are. Define for yourself who you want to be. And it shouldn't be an unrealistic image of someone else. But rather the best you that you can be and work hard towards becoming that person. There is only one of you in this world and no one can be a better you than you can. Have faith in yourself, I do :) I wish you all the best. I'm always here of you need some support.
    Tank80 and bizket1 like this.
  10. rking

    rking Fapstronaut

    All the best :)
    Wishes to you
    kaylee time and Tank80 like this.

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