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Thank you so much for sharing. I'm so sorry you're going through this. You probably saw in my other post, but I lost my own marriage due to my sex addiction, which escalated far beyond pornography and masturbation.

Posts like yours make me so angry at the porn industry and the lax cultural attitude toward it ... the idea that "porn is cool" and "everyone does it."

I'm glad your husband is seeking help. For what it's worth, I highly suggest he try going to an SAA meeting. Literally every person there will be able to relate to porn addiction, and it'll be a place where he can be 100% raw and honest without fear of judgment. He'll be able to share things he probably wouldn't be willing to share with real-life friends, and he'll likely meet other men who are having some victory in this battle.

I agree, it sounds like he's lucky AF to have you.

You should get your therapist's thoughts on this, but I'd also recommend some kind of check-in system where he has the freedom (and responsibility) to let you know 1) how he's doing, 2) whether or not he's used porn/masturbation/orgasm (PMO) recently, and 3) if he has, describe what events led up to it and how he plans to address those triggers next time.

The one downfall to this is that it can make you feel like the police--like you're an authority figure that he has to check-in with. But in reality, it's intended as a tool to build communication to help keep you out of the dark re: how he's doing, and to help him start becoming more vulnerable and honest. This is an addiction that thrives to the extent that it's kept secret.

I don't know your husband, so I have no idea what his level of sincerity is in tackling this, but for what it's worth, I hope you'll give him some grace. You have every right to be furious. I would just encourage you not to act out of that emotion. Porn addicts are typically carrying enormous levels of shame--we refuse to admit the problem, because one of our faulty core beliefs is that we're basically bad, unworthy people ... and that if others know the truth, they won't love us. One of the most important things an addict can receive is unconditional love once the truth is known.

Having said that ... you also have to create some firm boundaries around what you're willing to tolerate. Relapse in this addiction is unfortunately very common. Browse around these forums and look at how many Day Counters you see with less than 10 days. The goal for your husband will hopefully be progress, not perfection. But you'll have to decide what's okay with you, and what's not ... and what the consequences will be if the 'not okay' stuff happens.

Please forgive me if it sounds like I've come here to be Mr. Advice. I just feel like I have a worthy perspective having gone down that road in the shoes of the addict, and hopefully my experience will help save you guys the grief and pain of learning some of these things the hard way.

Blessings to you.

 

Why did you wait 14 months to confront him?

 

Ok sorry if I upset you.

 

Do you think you could ever trust him again fully?

 

I'm pretty sure he has severe death grip syndrome right now

 

Don't get me started on that stuff. That alone creates a perverse sense of sexuality. So no medical issues like sugar, obesity, prostate etc.

 

Sexuality is part of who we are as human beings. We all want to be desired and wanted.

 

Generally they advice one week abstinence from masturbation then only 1 time the second week (sex therapists) and then at most 2 times a week but 14 years is a long time. If he did it everyday that's insane. I'm not sure of his age but the younger the quicker the reboot. He might need the hardcore 90 day reboot but that means 3 more months of no sex for you.

 

But no underlying medical conditions right?

 

I'd make him have a DRE out of spite (JK). He needs a hardcore reboot. My ED is more related to antidepressants. I didn't watch porn for over a month before I started my clock. The little pills don't work for me. The PMO reboot to me is experimental but I have nothing to lose and I'm not in a relationship now.

 

Hey Sadgirl, just my opinion...I think you should put your trust in him again. Fully trust him. He sounds like he's doing great so far working out and also showing emotion by crying. To me it seems like you don't want to leave him....because you probably would have done it already. My intentions aren't to anger you. I just know that if he catches on to your lack of trust in him while he is doing good and trying hard he might discouraged and that's never good. I know it's hard to forget the past ...really hard.. But you should definitely try and take some steps to trust him and not hold too much resentment towards him. I don't know if I'm making any sense right now but just wanted to say what was on my mind. Peace and love Sadgirl... Oh and try not to be too sad ... I'm sure you're amazing too amazing to be "Sadgirl" <3

 

I'm a Christian myself. A horribly flawed one, mind you ... but saved by grace nonetheless. That's kind of the whole gospel message, after all.

Your husband might find some comfort in something I read once, regarding Christians and sex addiction. The author wrote (and I'm paraphrasing), "the silver lining of this addiction is that because of the severity of your past behavior, you have the potential to develop a deeper and more profound appreciation of God's grace than the average believer may ever know."

You're totally within your right to feel that way. I just hope that through all of this, you're able to see that his addiction has nothing to do with you not being good enough, or pretty enough, or horny enough, etc. It's likely something he was dealing with before you guys even dated.

Yes. You should definitely feel comfortable standing up for yourself.

These are all very good signs ... but as someone who's been there myself, you should know that it's easy for addicts to be really overt in the 'externals' of recovery without doing the deep, internal work that needs to happen. Sometimes all that activity can be manipulative in nature--an effort to win back your trust, instead of him working to become a more trustworthy husband (I hope you can see the distinction between those two things).

Also warranted. No one would fault you for feeling this way. I would certainly urge you to be cautious in trusting him again. Start with small things, and work your way up from there. I personally disagree with this advice:

He may be doing great ... but 6 days, in the grand scheme of things, is nothing. This is an addiction that likely was developed over decades. It's going to take time and some hard-ass work to really get a grip on. It's going to be easy for him to abstain right now, right on the heels of being discovered and realizing he may lose his marriage and family. But the real test comes when he's been abstaining for 3-6 months, and withdrawls start to hit, and he's tempted to get 'that hit' from somewhere. I would just encourage you to take a deep breath, get through one day at a time, but realize that this recovery process is a marathon and not a sprint.

I'd also highly suggest finding a support group of real-life women who are partners of addicted husbands. My ex was in a group like that and it was enormously helpful to her.

Hang in there. God is for you.