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I took anti-depressants for a short while. I didn't like how they made me feel in the head--sort of a detached, numb feeling. Pleasant, but in sort of this weird constant high that I knew was artificial.

The bad (good?) side effect was that I would last for-eh-ver. In fact, if I knew I was going to have sex that night, I'd take one in the morning. When I started taking them for sexual performance instead of depression, I knew I was in a bad place. I saved my stash for a while, but I never got the prescription refilled.

 

I feel the same way ... though right at this moment I really don't give a fuck. I want my life back. I want my self confidence back. I want to feel sexy and desirable and worth giving up the sleazy porn for. Fuck

 

Trust to me is earned.

 

Sadgirl, you are obviously very overwhelmed right now, completely normal for these types of circumstances. I'm sorry for what you're going through. From here on out, your husband's recovery up to him. You seem to have gone above and beyond, bless you for not walking out the door as many have done in similar situations.
I would encourage your husband to revisit his faith, but to cast off the condemnation and man-made crap that has nothing to do with the grace and power of Jesus.
I, too, (42 years old) have caused my wife so much pain, but things have begun to turn around over the past two years. Our relationship has never been better, particularly since I began actually seeking help through reading books, blogs, and forums, and also starting to be accountable to others. Addiction sucks for all involved, you both should just take it one day at a time. It's going to be an emotional roller coaster, and as far as trust, that is earned VERY gradually. God bless you guys, and thank you for posting.

 

The last thing he needs is more religion. When you don't learn about sexuality in mature developmentally approriate manner things can often go astray.

 

Same day count for me. He is not for 6 days and I'm also feeling huge changes and want to believe

 

I find this odd, but in my story we also haven't been kissing at all. Just quick something you call pick? All the kisses we're gone for a.ling time and this last 6 days they magically came back.

 

Usually this takes longer, but it's pretty common. If an addict is truly abstaining from porn and masturbation, eventually they'll start getting more sensitive and aroused by their partner. That built-up sexual energy will seek release, and if there's no porn or masturbation to release it, the next and easiest place is to release it with a willing partner.

Ideally, over time, he'll be having sex with you to be connected to you, and not just using you as an outlet for sexual release.

 

This is where I am at.

 

Sadgirl. I feel for you. It's going to take a long time for him to get over hitting rock bottom. He's lucky he has you to help him through it. What he's not going to understand is the way that you're going to feel in the process. He has to earn back that trust and has to earn back your love both physically and emotionally.

Your emotions are going to go up and down as well. It's going to be very hard for you and very hard on you. I do want you to understand that it was not you. This was his problem. He needs to not blame it on his upbringing because he is an adult and makes the choices every day. I do understand that it is an addiction. It is an addiction that I suffer from. I say that I am in recovery recovery is a daily thing. I am just now oh able to be open with my wife about the triggers and the struggles that I have daily. I am careful because I know it still is emotionally challenging for her. She is like you and still does not understand why we would find some things arousing. My rock bottom was deep and hard and you are never alone. The one get hurt.

you can make it with him. He can earn your trust back. You need to be very strong not make excuses for him and support him. he will have to lean on you and you are going to feel your emotions All over the place. Be upfront with him about your emotions. About your struggles to trust him again. You don't want to live in the past but you do want to protect your family and yourself. I know you are going to feel like you are competing against the p*** but you are not. He puts you and the p*** in different categories. He does not respect or love or cherish them. He does love you and desires you but his addicted brain is craving that feeling. It will be long and hard

 

The blizzard of flesh that porn users get off on is really unconnected from a real life person. The multi browser window, hop from clip to clip experience is crazy. 4 or more movies running at the same time etc.

Pre internet I used to do that with magazines - lay out favorite pages from 3 mags, turn pages - always looking for new images.

Not sure if this point is helpful - but PA SO'S sexual competition isn't a woman or several, it's a large hall FULL of women (the men are almost invisible to us) all doing depraved things, all at the same time.

You can imagine it like this - your partner walks into an underground car park after work, he is the only guy there (and you aren't there) and in front of each car is a naked woman doing something lewd. He is trying to unlock his car to drive out but he is drawn to look. He is the victim. Simplistically, he knows he should not look and never park his car there again and drive quickly away but the "forbidden taboo" of it all triggers "I know it's bad but I am going to do it anyway" excitement (which drives unwise behavior that is counter to his relationship with you, his romantic partner) its freaky, it's outside the norm and it's 100 times more attention grabbing than everyday 3rd party visual stimulation (like sassy teenagers that need more clothing bouncing past or a waitress bending over to pick up a napkin)

That's my analogy anyway.

I think SO'S that have their PA partners fess up to their past get a very rare glimpse behind the scenes of exactly how a large percentage of the male population behave in private.

You are unique - the porn women are a large anonymous group going past on a fast conveyor belt where one woman blends into another, none are special long term and many won't be looked at a 2nd time.

I hope that things work out all round

 

Not a word

 

This

 

I've never been married so I do not know what you're going through. I do wish to welcome you to NoFap and hope that your husband finds his way here somehow and wishes to quit porn. That's totally up to him though.

 

Thank you and I agree wholeheartedly.

 

Sadgirl - thank you so much for sharing your story. What you have described is the exact reason so many people are here. It aptly illustrates how damaging pornography is to relationships. Your husband has married someone who loves sex, is beautiful, and confident. A dream wife to many men! But porn has convinced him that reality is less appealing than fantasy. I hope you can help him to recovery. I am one of the lucky few for whom porn hasn’t damaged my relationship (well I don’t think it has anyway.) It’s damaged me, for sure, but it actually started because of my wife’s lack of interest in sex. I wrongly turned to it to fill a void, and it’s left me depressed and lacking energy (so I guess this has probably had a damaging effect on my relationship now I think!) I really hope you and your husband can sort this!