New Here

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Deleted Account, Sep 2, 2020.

  1. I am 57 and married 28 years. Fapping 40+ years. My wife knows and hasn’t wanted to be intimate in over 10 years. My longest streak is 3 months. I know what it feels like to have the pmo fog lift and my confidence return. But, I think that I never really developed proper life coping skills and so I fall back into pmo to deal with stuff.
     
  2. One Eyed Owl

    One Eyed Owl Fapstronaut

  3. unexpectedjellyfish

    unexpectedjellyfish Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to NoFap and stay strong my man, better days will come. I hope everything turns out great for you.
     
  4. Thanks One Eyes Owl and unexpectedjellyfish. I have started a journal in the 40+ forum “A Road Less Traveled”
     
    One Eyed Owl likes this.
  5. Good luck Bam102. I'm new too. Hopefully normality awaits for us all :)
     
  6. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Have you heard of betrayal trauma? You have obviously severely damaged your relationship with your wife. Worthy of her trust is a great book to help you understand as is the dvd Helping her Heal. 10 years without intimacy is a long time.
     
  7. Psalm27:1mylight Betrayal is at the top of my list of what not to do to your spouse! But, it is done and I can’t take it back, make amends or heal her. I told her she carries no blame in this, it’s all me. I believe she understands and even forgives me. She refused counseling and does not go for self help literature. I know that she will take what I did to us to her grave. All I can do now is repent, make positive changes and wait. When I first told her, I felt like a whipped dog for months. I have remorse but I’m not going to let her bruised nerves guilt me into becoming her carpet. She pushed the physical intimacy aside and has focused her energy on our children and her career. I am finally ok with that. Our marriage has become a cooperation. We are friends, roommates and financial partners. I don’t know if we still love each other but there is mutual daily sacrifice for one another. In a way, being with her and knowing that physical intimacy is off the table frees me up to be her friend with no strings attached. What married man never thought, “If I do this for her, maybe I’ll get lucky!” I like not thinking that anymore...
     
  8. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    I could say for most of my marriage we were friends, roommates, financial partners, It was that way because of his porn use. As long as he used porn, acts out in his addiction, the relationship will always be less than it should. I will say, that I have loved my husband in spite of his addiction. I forgave him years ago, but I’m very damaged from his behavior. Do you want a better marriage? Or are you happy with the way it is? I can say my husband thought we had a great marriage and he was happy with it. Now, he looks back and thinks wtf? Now that he’s been clean, he actually sees the damage and acknowledges the loss of what our relationship could’ve been and should’ve been. The fact you say “ bruised nerves and guilt you” leads me to believe that maybe you don’t understand the true extent of the pain? I could absolutely be wrong, I don’t know your wife. I do know, that my husband minimized the pain he caused until he had been several months clean. Then and only then did he start to understand how deeply he had hurt me. Until that moment, I could not reach for him. Now, I never took sex off the table because I was the one who always wanted sex, my husband avoided it. However, I didn’t say I love you for 17 years. I held back emotionally. I withdrew in all ways except physically. We are fortunate in that we are best friends and get along great, again, in spite of his addiction. After 33 years, I love him far more than the day I said “ I Do!” However, If he cant prove that he can stay clean, I’m leaving as soon as my daughter graduates. What happens when the kids are grown and you’re retired? Do you just want a roommate? This past year I’ve seen my husband transformed. Seriously a different man. He’s kinda amazing now, which has transformed me into a woman who wants to be with him and touch him and laugh and grow with him.
     
  9. Psalm 27, it sounds like you and your husband are really working things out. I am happy for you both!
    Yeah, we are all different people and who knows what anyone else is really going through. Sometimes I know my wife and sometimes she surprises me! I appreciate your encouragement and your words of warning.
    I am not happy with the way we are. She works from home and is on the computer almost every night until after my bedtime. Been that way for years. I don’t believe that anything I do will change that...
    I can retire in a few years. I want to go south and she wants to go north. No telling what will happen...
     
  10. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Lol! My husband is retiring either in January or March. He would love to live in the mountains, I told him I’d only sell this place to move to a house on the ocean, otherwise I’m keeping my 40 acres and menagerie of animals! I think at this point, he’s so grateful I’m still here that he’d live anywhere I wanted. I think you’d be surprised at what getting clean does for your relationship. Get into actual, real recovery, and I bet you see some subtle changes in your wife. It’s good that you don’t expect anything from your wife, tells me you’re doing this for you, which is the most motivating reason that gives you a better chance at success.
     
  11. Hello there... :)
    Welcome to the community! :)

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