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Pornography has owned my life since I was in the eighth grade. I had watched porn here and there since sixth grade, but it didn't own my life back then. Granted, it was still an awful thing, but it wasn't near as bad as it is now. Eighth grade changed everything. Puberty was hitting me harder than ever before, my hormones raged, and I discovered masturbation. And I can without a doubt say that it was the worst mistake I've ever made in my (albeit brief) lifetime. I cannot think of anything that has been more destructive in my life. It has hurt my relationships with and views of women, changed the way I view sex, and worst of all it has severely crippled my relationship with God. Almost every day since then I have watched porn and masturbated at least once. And it has ruined my life.

I have gone three years carrying this secret burden. I've never been caught. Nobody knows my secret. Nobody knows. I don't feel as though I can talk to anybody about it. I don't know why. There are so many people I can think of that would love to help me if they knew, but I'm afraid. It sounds stupid, and I can't quite describe it. But I can't share this burden, even though it hurts. It weighs on me. It almost stops becoming pleasure and just turns into part of a routine. It's sad that something so awful has turned into such a major part of my life.

I have gone to such extreme lengths to hide this. I deleted my Internet history after every viewing, kept the images hidden within a folder within folders within folders, etc. I had a semi-elaborate system of when and where I could watch porn and/or masturbate to greatly diminish my chances of being caught. Or at least, I'd like to think it was clever. Still, never did get caught.

I don't know how many times I've tried to quit. At least a dozen or so. Usually I don't get further than a few days or a week until I fall back into the trap and become consumed by despair once more.
I want this time to be different.

Once more, I am trying to break free of my chains. I will no longer be weighed down and imprisoned by my lust. I want to change. I need to change.

I honestly don't even know what made me decide to make this change. Well, I do know. It was God. I just don't know why He convicted me of it almost two weeks ago. I was laying in bed at about midnight (because porn intrudes on my sleeping schedule as well) when He spoke to me. Obviously, I didn't hear a loud booming voice from Heaven demanding that I change my ways. But I could feel Him speaking to my heart. I could feel him calling to me, and in that moment, I felt convicted. God was telling me to turn this all around. I knew this had to be God. Prior to that moment, I had been numb to guilty feelings about my porn addiction. To suddenly out of the blue feel this conviction, I knew. I knew He was right. I picked up my laptop, and deleted every pornographic thing on there. There is not a single trace of pornography left on this computer. That was five days ago. I'm still feeling strongly convicted by God, and I am slowly but surely restoring my relationship with him.
Today, the temptation was strong. I can't tell you how close I was to going back to porn today. I think I've figured out why I want to do this (join the nofap forum). It's another reason for me to not go back to porn. I know if I do go back, I'll have to crawl back here and confess that I gave in once more. I figure even if only one person ever reads this, I don't want to let that one person down. I want this to be the one. The attempt that does it. There is no going back now.

 

God truly is good. I am excited about the possibilities of the community here. I hope all of us will endure this journey and grow stronger in our faith as a result.

James 1:2-4, 12 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything... Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.