New in this forum, looking for accountabily partner

[GoldenPeashooterRequiem]

Warning!: I'm new to this forum and I have no idea what counts as a triggering subject, so be warned.

Honestly, I don't even know how to properly start this, but I will try my best. [In a nutshell at the ending]


I'm 18 years old now, but I started watching porn when I was really young. between 6-8 years old I think. My dad used to bring his tablet and (I think) forgot do delete the porn he had stashed in there. But my first orgasm was when I was only 12 years old, I think. Looking back it's a miracle how I didn't get into worse stuff

Fast forward to a few years later and I started doing nofap (heard of it because of nofap September) but started cause I converted do Christianity recently. My highest score was 16 days a few months ago and i am currently on day 3, I think. But that's besides the point.

A few months ago I was going through a site that let you see content from hentai artists locked behind paywall for free. I will call this site [Site1] When I was there, I stumbled upon an artist that made lolicon HMVs. He had a link to a site that I will call [REDACTED]. I didn't knew what [REDACTED] was, so I got curious and entered it.

Needless to say that curiosity annihilated the cat. it was a site that was full of loli goon captions. I remember i PMO'd to it and was having an anxiety attack while doing it and it got even worse after. The things those fucking texts said where absolutely disturbing and disgusting. I remember I needed a sleeping pill to calm down from that

I am not a pedophile, please believe me. I am repulsed by that site, and I wish I could travel back in time for me to never enter that stupid site. but I know I can't cry over spilled milk now.

All I can say is that I REALLY hate myself and what I transformed, I have SEVERE premature ejaculation (sometimes I "release" without even touching it because of anxiety) I hate this corrupted shell of a "human" I've become. I'm scared shitless of becoming another goonclown (see turkey tom video on him if you don't know who he his) The feeling of having an orgasm stopped being good and became a torture. Every time I relapse I fell my body tearing itself. Once it got so bad I watched gore stuff after doing it and contemplated stabbing myself.
I wanna stop liking loli, hell, I wanna stop watching pornography entirely I already cut potential triggers, but the problem is I can't resist the urge…

I'm dealing with strong sexual ocd and shame/guilt, I don't wanna feel like this, something I forgot to mention is that I also have PIED. But that's besides the point.

Please, PLEASE, I am not a pedo, like I previously said I am repulsed by that shit, but how can I deal with the guilt, shame and sexual OCD?

One thing I noticed is that the more I get anxious about it, the higher the chance to relapse.


I'm really sorry if the text became… idk? Hard to read in a formatting way (idk if that is the right word) so here's the in a nutshell


I am 18 years old, dealing with anxiety, self hate, premature ejaculation, PIED and a lolicon. I wanna stop liking loli and get my shit together to not be like your average person/NPC


I also heard about accountabily partners, idk… if anyone wants to become my accountabily partner I would be glad, but idk

 

[seey0uauntie]

It's hard man. I've dealt with a lot of the same things in regards to hentai. I'm almost two weeks clean though and plan to stay that way.

 

[babyyoda]

I read the article below about people with OCD with this type of addiction. You're not the only one out there dealing with this.

You're not a pedo because you got into this stuff. It's not your fault, people with OCD are susceptible to this type of addiction.

If you struggle to do this on your own, you should see a specialist. Find an OCD Therapist who specializes in kink, sexuality, and fetish. The article has a link that can help you search for one. Most therapists these days can do video chat or audio/text, so no need to see them in person nor do they have to live in the same city.

If I like lolicon, does it mean I’m a pedophile? A therapist’s view

It's crucial to emphasize that fantasy remains distinct from action, or even from other kinds of desire.

www.treatmyocd.com

I highly recommend a therapist. A while back I needed someone to talk to about my addictions, so I found a sex therapist. I was able to share everything with her without judgement. Therapists have heard it all, there's nothing they haven't heard and they are super kind and the most nonjudgmental people you will ever find.