New Interest Creating Anxiety

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by drummer2244, May 30, 2019.

  1. drummer2244

    drummer2244 Fapstronaut

    63
    68
    18
    Hey all,

    I've been single for a while and have gotten almost to the point where I'm almost too comfortable being single. This also hasn't helped, but at the same time is being caused by a porn and masturbation addiction. Unfortunately too much PMO has also lead to other problems which I didn't realize until recently. For example I struggled with delayed E and PIED in the past (as young as in high school). I know these are problems of mine which is why I turned to this site and my reboot.

    So where this gets tricky is that there's this girl I work with and I've been talking to a lot lately and hanging out with. Mostly in group settings but often times there it is just her and I alone talking. TBH, I'm already starting to fall for her... we have so much in common its crazy, and I honestly just feel for the first time in a while that she's someone who actually would add to my life (like I said I was too comfortable single). Recently I've definitely picked up on signals that there might be something there, such as her grabbing my arm while laughing when I told a joke, or just flirting constantly. I won't lie... she's also a big reason I've decided to come here. I want to try and help myself so I can be happy again. I've already pretty much decided that I'm going to ask her to go get coffee or to a movie sometime soon, like real soon.

    Which brings me to my worries and anxiety: I don't know how to handle this. I mean obviously it's early on and so I can probably slow play it for a little to avoid sex. But do I tell her about my issues and just be upfront? I don't want to give too much info to her and scare her away. Do I not tell her at all and get some medicines that could help with the PIED? or Do I just forget being in a relationship this early into my reboot? Being completely honest, I was pretty addicted to PMO for a good majority of my life so far and know how important it is for me to quit... however I also feel such a strong connection with her.

    I appreciate anyone who took the time to read this and has some advice for me...
     
    RiverSmoothStone likes this.
  2. RiverSmoothStone

    RiverSmoothStone Fapstronaut

    Good question! How close are the two of you as friends? If you're really close friends and you trust her a lot, then you can tell her if you want. She might even be supportive of your efforts to quit! On the other hand, if you're not to the point where you're really close friends and you think telling her might scare her off, then you don't have to tell her. You're not being dishonest by not telling her (unless you specifically lie about it, of course). If things get sexual, you always have the option of saying something like "hey, I'm not ready for this yet." You don't have to explain why in the moment, but be aware that you will have to explain at some point.

    Ultimately, I would suggest pursuing the relationship while the option is there. It sounds like you've got a good thing going and your struggles with porn are not a reason to avoid this. That said, make sure that you are committed to meeting your goals concerning PMO. If your goal is no PMO for 90 days, then stick to it. Don't use this possible relationship as an excuse to break the O part of your goal.

    Finally, one piece of unasked-for advice. :) You mention that she's a big part of why you're here. I suggest making sure that you are spending time here mostly for you and partially for her. If you tie your motivation to quitting PMO to her, then if she leaves your life for whatever reason, your motivation to quit PMO goes with her. If you're here for you, though, you'll be more likely to maintain a PMO-free lifestyle, whether she's around or not. This was my big mistake in one of my previous attempts to quit.
     
    drummer2244 likes this.
  3. drummer2244

    drummer2244 Fapstronaut

    63
    68
    18
    You bring up some good points. While I may have said she's a BIG part of the reason I'm here I can confidently say I'm here more for myself. Actually it's kind of all tied together. I'm here for myself because of some health reasons, some psychological reasons, and a whole lot of pride. I don't enjoy not being able to perform with a girl, be it this girl or any other girl. So that is more whats driving me... it just so happens that the girl I want to be able to perform for might be her right now. But thank you for bringing that to my attention and making me think about that.

    You also say that if I trust her I could tell her... I do... I think. Like I said, I worry too much about stuff. I'm not worried that she would go tell a bunch of people or freak out or anything. I worry that it will scare her off. She's already hinted that she can be religious, but not over the top. And everything seems so new, that I don't want to scare her away at all...

    Part of me is really leaning towards not telling her and ordering a little blue pill just to have on hand in case.

    Either way... thanks for the reply and advice! I'm spending most of the afternoon and evening with her today so if nothing else I'll just enjoy that time with her as friends for now...
     
    RiverSmoothStone likes this.
  4. You need more confidence and retention through NoPMO is a great tool to provide that. Just stick with it for two more weeks and you will start to see results.

    Your anxiety is also caused by PMO. Dating is supposed to be fun and not a job interview. You don't have to perform in bed, especially not in these early stages. You don't have to tell anything now.

    Relax, enjoy the experience and stick to your reboot plan. Things will fall into place.
     
  5. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

    1,105
    5,384
    143
    You're way too concerned about having sex.

    Is that really the only reason you want to have a relationship with her?

    Is your ability to perform sexual acts the only way you think she will be interested in you? The only way you two can have a connection?

    Is everything you do with her (conversations / dating) just a means to an end (sex) for you?

    Sex sex sex.... PIED... PMO... What about me me me? What about my issues? What about my past? What about my ability to ejaculate and get an erection?

    You're being very self centered and you're clearly still addicted.

    You have a lot of worries and assumptions about the future. It's your way of rationalizing and scaring yourself out of taking any action.

    Self-sabotage is nothing more than self-preservation. Meaning that you don't want to take a risk. You don't want to fail. You don't want to get rejected. You play not to lose. You don't win anything, but you also don't lose anything. You stay safe, comfortable, and you stick to your stubborn identity of being alone.

    How about you just go for what you want and allow her to make her own decisions. Rather than avoiding the whole thing and not even allowing her to decide or for any possibilities with her to even happen.
     
  6. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

    1,105
    5,384
    143
    Your anxiety is basically this =

    She's interested in you and you're interested in her. Uh oh... that means your comfort zone is being replaced with uncertainty if things continue to go well with her.

    You become overly concerned with doing the perfect things to get the perfect outcomes. This perfectionism leads to procrastination because you're unwilling to take any action unless you're certain that the outcome you desire is guaranteed.

    You're basically creating the friend zone for yourself (in my definition of it). Meaning that you won't allow things to progress with her out of fear that you actually need to take some risks. So you stay safe and keep things on a friendship basis which she will eventually get tired of waiting for you and assume that you aren't interested in her. The friend zone is basically where you're placing yourself to buy enough time until you reach your ideal circumstances (perfectionism / procrastination / waiting for guarantees).

    Those perfect circumstances don't exist. That perfectionism is resisting reality and that's what's causing your anxiety.
     
  7. drummer2244

    drummer2244 Fapstronaut

    63
    68
    18
    I don't even know where to start with this... but then again after looking at your profile it's clear you're here just to troll and try to mess up people who are already struggling with things. If that makes you feel better... well... thats a pretty sad life man... Also your points sometimes contradict each other... so maybe try to be more careful with your trolling next time?

    But just for fun, and because I got back on my computer to type this here's some things I have to say:

    It seems hypocritical to come onto an advice board and post and then claim that the person is being self-centered... thats kind of the point of a post about advice... you could have at least attacked me in my reboot log... I mean you should see how self-centered I am there!

    You can claim I'm just talking about sex too much, but then again we're on a porn/masturbation/sex addiction forum... I also never claimed all I cared about is sex with her... not once. In fact I said in my first post that we have so much in common and that's whats drawing me to her. But sex and intimacy is part of a good healthy relationship, and something I would like to enjoy someday... But clearly you don't understand any of that.

    Where did you get that I'm too afraid to pursue this or that my anxiety is keeping me from getting what I want? First of all, I'm gonna do things on my terms... second of all I'm not really stalling. Especially if I just spent the whole evening with her. You seem to be very opinionated about situations you know nothing about.

    And my personal favorite of your trolling attack is you saying I'm clearly still addicted... I'm 10 days into something I've been doing for the last 20 years... I never once claimed I'm not addicted anymore. I know I am... at least I'm doing things to make myself actually feel better and be healthier.

    Seriously think for a second about how fucked up it is that you are attacking people who admit they have anxiety problems, while they are trying to help themselves get over addiction(s). I can take it, because honestly my anxiety isn't bad... and I'm in an okay enough place where this won't push me to do something I don't want to... but maybe be a little more understanding and helpful to people... or just don't comment on posts at all...
     
  8. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

    1,105
    5,384
    143
    Wasn't trolling.

    You just simply didn't like what I had to say.

    Report me if you truly feel it's an attack instead of being so defensive about it and wasting your energy.
     
  9. drummer2244

    drummer2244 Fapstronaut

    63
    68
    18
    It's funny how you reply and ignore all the valid points I made...

    If it's not attacking or trolling to you then at least answer this question:

    This site is for people who are in vulnerable and fragile situations... I admit that I am... and you're reading a forum and post asking for advice about something that clearly I feel is a serious situation or that I need some help and support in... So how his telling someone they are weak, afraid, scared, and self-centered supporting them? How does that help me? And probably most important, how does that make you a decent human being? Trying to tear down someone who's looking for support and advice when they're a recovering addict trying to get help?

    I'll be completely honest with you... some of your points are probably true and if you worded them in a more positive way, I'd probably be more receptive to the advice... but you really just come across as a troll when you just negatively attack me...

    And if you post again on here I'm just going to ignore it... because I was seeking support and positivity during this recovery... clearly you never learned what my grandmother taught me long ago:

    If you don't have anything nice to say.... don't say anything at all...
     
    RiverSmoothStone likes this.
  10. drummer2244

    drummer2244 Fapstronaut

    63
    68
    18
    Thanks for the reply and advice... I think you're right... well I know you're right... that I'm making this into a job interview because of my anxiety and overthinking... I naturally do that... and/or the PMO causes that I think.

    I'm not going to tell her anything for now... although I feel like I'm keeping a secret and I hate that. But for now it'll be okay. I'll just enjoy the moments I'm spending with her and see where this goes.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  11. RiverSmoothStone

    RiverSmoothStone Fapstronaut

    This might not change how you feel about the situation, but not telling her about the porn addiction is not the same as keeping a secret. Telling her is a big leap that involves a lot of trust and security with her and in the early stages of a relationship, that level of trust won't have developed yet. So don't worry too much about it for now (much easier said than done, admittedly) and enjoy the time you have with her!
     

Share This Page