Thank you. I think you are right. I don’t want to start using this as an excuse for my other mistakes. Things are more positive now.
Day 119 - a nice day out with the family again yesterday to a food festival and now I have a couple of days with just my wife as my daughter will be with her grandparents. I really hope that these can be special days where we get to just be each other again - we haven’t had this in so long. I also need to make sure I in no way try to suggest that I expect intimacy. That needs to come naturally. Things I am grateful for: Good food Fun family time Happiness Things I hope for today: Moments of reconnecting Laughter Calmness
Day 120 - another round figure, another ten day milestone. Yesterday was lovely with my wife - antique shopping, driving to places just because we thought of it, hanging out with each other in the evening playing video games. Throughout it all I hope I was not showing any sign of pushing for further intimacy. I think it would have been pointed out if there had been. Today we are going out again but staying over at a hotel we first went to when we started dating ten years ago. It’s a bit of luxury, so a bit expensive, but I am hoping that my usual anxieties around money do not flair up to spoil what I hope is ultimately a present to my wife after the shit year she has had (loss of both grandparents, dog being put down, my actions) and the hard work she has put into her new qualification. Things I am grateful for: Time with my wife My family Good nights sleep Things I hope for today: Safe journeys Relaxation More chances to reconnect with wife
Day 121 - we have incredibly lucked out with our hotel, having been given a complimentary upgrade due to celebrating our anniversary. The whole of yesterday was really about the opportunity to have some connectivity time with each other and I think she has really appreciated this. I know I certainly have. Back to reality later today but at least we have one more day of holiday tomorrow before we go back to work fully. Things I am grateful for: Kindness Time for togetherness Sleep Things I hope for today: Safe journeys Happiness Positive vibes
Day 124 - I’m aware that I haven’t updated on here for a couple of days. Everything is cool, just back to work and lots of jobs that needed to be completed. Had a fantastic holiday. Proud of myself as well because the usual trigger of money anxiety flared up again yesterday and I think I handled it really well. Things I am grateful for: A loving, supportive wife. A job that looks after me A roof over my head Things I hope for today: Safe journeys Restful Saturday Better nights sleep
Day 125 - today is a special day for my wife and I as it’s ten years today that I asked her to marry me. It was a rare moment of spontaneity for me, as we had only been dating for five months. No ring, no plan, just knew I had to ask her. She even thought I was joking at first and so I had to ask her again! It gives me time to reflect on how I have behaved over those last ten years. I love her unconditionally, but there have been plenty of times where I have not shown this in the right way, especially with regards to my use of porn and my constant deceptions over it. And yet, she still stays with me. She sees the good in me that sometimes I find difficult to see on myself. I am incredibly lucky to have such a support in my life and I take it for granted too many times. Things I am grateful for: She said yes. A good nights rest. Positive mental attitudes Things I hope for today: Relaxation Tasty food Cuddles
Day 126 - work has started in earnest again now. But I mustn’t let this become an excuse for letting my guard down and to not continue my reflections and journals. I need that routine. I didn’t make a meeting last week so hope to make one tomorrow evening. I miss the holidays already! Things I am grateful for: A good weekend Laughs with my wife Tasty dinners Things I hope for tomorrow: The day goes smoothly A good meeting Time for reflection
Day 128 - so I was absolutely shattered last night and decided not to make the meeting. I will look to attend one later in the week. I am feeling in a really good place at the moment. Long as the day is, it feels good to be back into the routine of my working day. Have good plans for the weekend with the family as well. It’s looking very positive at the moment. Things I am grateful for: A smooth start to work My loving wife My daughter’s happiness Things I hope for today: Continue to grow team dynamics Cuddles Time for reflection
Day 129 - yesterday was tough at work. The heat at the moment is draining and everyone is feeling it. Still, it feels good to be back in the swing of it all again, I guess. Have good plans for the weekend so just need to get through the next two days. Things I am grateful for: Fans Supportive leadership team My beautiful wife Things I hope for today: Continue to grow working partnerships Cooler temperature Cuddles
Day 131 - I have made it to the weekend and also over the 130 threshold. I’m really proud of my achievements across the board. It hasn’t been easy and the temptations still flare up but I feel stronger than I have done before and certainly more resilient in my efforts to be a better person and be a better man for my wife. Looking forward to a weekend of relaxation and happiness with the family. Things I am grateful for: Weekend My wonderful wife Laughter Things I hope for today: A nice day out Cuddles Time for relaxation
Day 132 - well, almost as soon as I had written that journal yesterday then reality came and bit me in the arse. I was reminded about how I constantly need to be vigilant, and now I worry once again that I am growing complacent. I fucking hate this. I hate the feeling I have right now, when even though I am still clean, the guilt of the situation and the pain and trauma I have caused my wife sets in. I hate making her feel upset, I hate the paranoia that it then creates in me that I have damaged our relationship so much with our actions that something like this could break us. Even when she has been fine with me all day, despite a difficult conversation that we had to have, despite knowing I did the right thing…I still feel utterly worthless. And then I feel that this is the wrong attitude to feel because it’s so self-centric and selfish and that makes me feel ten times worse! We must never be too complacent. We have to be consistent and constantly on our toes. I have done this to myself, this is my fault, I have no one else to blame but myself. I hate past me. I want a future me where this is not an issue. I know it will get easier all the time if I just work at it. One step at a time, one day at a time. Things I am grateful for: My wonderful wife Sunshine The laughter of my daughter Things I hope for today: Get out of my own head Opportunities to prove my own self-worth Cuddles
Day 133 - a much better day yesterday. We had a good day out at a vintage festival and had lots of smiles and laughter. Then home for a nice dinner and the start of the NFL season proper. Managed to buy my wife a couple of nice things as well today and we have begun talking about plans for going away just the two of us next year. Felt back in my really good place by the end of the day, a complete contrast to how I felt at the start of the day. This is why I do this - that happiness I feel. Things I am grateful for: Nice days out My wonderful wife Plans for the future Things I hope for today: A productive day at work Cuddles Continue to feel this positivity
Day 134 - the working week has begun and it’s been a bit of a mixed bag. Hope to make a meeting tonight, as it’s always useful to listen to others share and discuss ideas. Things I am grateful for: My amazing wife Kebabs Good sleep Things I hope for today: Important work jobs done Good meeting tonight Cuddles
Day 135 - the reading we had at the meeting last night spoke about death and how the death of a loved one can affect our wellbeing. It made me think of how my wife has suffered this year with the death of her grandparents, and how my actions have added to her suffering when she has needed me the most. I will not let myself fall or fail for her again. I must not let my own selfish desires disrupt my true purpose in this short life, which is to make her happy and to support her through every twist and turn. Things I am grateful for: Good meeting Good day at work My amazing wife Things I hope for today: Continue to see progress in important work projects Smiles and laughter Cuddles
Day 136 - coming slowly towards the weekend, and it feels cooler weather wise now. This is good because it’s been far too hot in the room where I work. My wife and I definitely prefer the autumn. Some of our best mini breaks have taken place in the New Forest, where the colours of autumn really do pop out. We won’t be able to go there this autumn (our little anniversary mini break in summer means I have had to be a bit more mindful of budgets) but we definitely plan to go next year in celebration of our tenth wedding anniversary. I love thinking about these plans for time with her. Just having that special time to look forward to gives me so much to love for. Things I am grateful for: Positive plans for the future Happy wife Good sleep Things I hope for today: Continue to make good progress on important work Safe journeys Cuddles
Day 137 - glad that it’s the weekend tomorrow. The week has settled down into its usual routine with commitments for both children on various days. This kind of helps as it means I can stay focussed on each day at a time. I am certainly looking forward to the end of today, and to the weekend! Awful lot of sport on the TV for me to dive into as well if I am given the opportunity. Life is good at times. But the thing I look forward to the most is the opportunity to spend some time with my wife. She really is the blessing that my life needed all those years ago when we first met. Things I am grateful for: Friday My wife Stress free Thursday Things I hope for today: Completion of projects Progress in work Cuddles
Day 138 - the weekend is here! My wife and I are so happy to have made it, as it’s been a long one in terms of work. This year is going to be full of many challenges for us in terms of our work and so the weekends are going to be a safe space. I try so hard not to do any work at the weekend but I may have to do a little when I can over the next two days. Nothing huge, just enough to be on top of things. Things I am grateful for: Weekend My wonderful wife Good sleep Things I hope for today: Time to relax Cuddles Laughter
Day 139 - a good but busy day yesterday. My wife looked phenomenal - I mean, it’s rare when she doesn’t but still. Had to make sure I was on my best behaviour and even then a small, tiny amount of the old me slipped out when I made a slightly ride joke. That doesn’t help the impression she sometimes has of me that all I think about is her sexually. I need to be better. Things I am grateful for: Jobs done Plans for today My amazing beautiful wife. Things I hope for today: Self control Cuddles More sleep
Day 140 - woke up this morning a real mixed bag of emotions. Yesterday was a lovely day out for me and the family. Later on in the evening, the opportunity for intimacy with my wife came along only for me to get too excited far too quickly and for it to end before it had even properly begun. We still shared some tender moments but this is not the first time that this has happened to me. I feel slightly embarrassed and irritated but is that just my own expectations of myself? Things I am grateful for: A loving, understanding wife A nice day out (even in the rain) Good results for sports teams Things I hope for today: Clarity/peace of mind Cuddles A good start to the working week
Day 141 - need to get over myself really, that’s the key. These things will happen, though if it happens more regularly I may need to seek some advice from somewhere else. My anxiety and overthinking starts to kick in and question whether my wife is cross with me about something. Shut up, brain. Things I am grateful for: Good sleep My wonderful wife Holding hands Things I hope for today: Cuddles Switch off brain Time to reflect
