New journal

Day 142 - felt more positive yesterday and this morning. Life throws curveballs sometimes and you have to roll with it. Only certain things I can control and one of them is how I react to stuff. I’m proud of what I have achieved so far but I also know I have a long way to go still.

Things I am grateful for:
The rain cooling the air down
Plans for the weekend
My beautiful wife

Things I hope for today:
Jobs done at work
Time for reflection
Cuddles
 
Day 143 - woke up this morning early with that familiar feeling of unease regarding money. I think I did well to settle it down though. It helps that the phone is well away from me now at night so that I can’t use it to quell my anxieties and feed that gremlin inside of me. One day at a time. Yesterday was good and got lots of stuff done that I needed to, and now I can look towards the next projects with a bit more confidence.

Things I am grateful for:
My wife - she is amazing.
My ability to think rationally is increasing.
Bills are paid.

Things I hope for today:
Time for reflection
Cuddles
Jobs completed
 
Day 144 - thank goodness it is the weekend tomorrow. We are beginning to really feel the challenge of our new projects at work at the moment - certainly the biggest I think I’ve encountered in six years! It would be nice to do something this weekend but our choices are slightly limited. Will try to think of something that will make my wife happy - I’m easy.

Things I am grateful for:
My lovely wonderful wife
Good sleep
Friday

Things I hope for today:
Plans
Cuddles
Work done
 
Day 145 - felt exhausted at the end of the day yesterday and have had a good sleep as a result. Not sure what we are doing this weekend, but we normally manage to think of something. Just grateful it’s the weekend and I get to spend time with my wife.

Things I am grateful for:
Time with my wonderful wife
Good sleep
Time for relaxing

Things I hope for today:
Plans to be made
Cuddles
Calmness
 
Day 146 - a good day all round yesterday. Had some nice coffee date time with my wife while our daughter was at her dancing lessons, and then a nice BBQ for dinner. Love my Ninja machine, we’ve used it at least once a week since I was given it by my wife. Very lucky man. We also had some very good news about a trip we were wanting to go on, so that’s positive too. Going to have a bit of a lazy day today, though will need to pick up stepson from his dads at some point. Life is good and shouldn’t be wasted. Enjoy these moments while we can.

Things I am grateful for:
Date times
Good news
Good sleep

Things I hope for today:
Cuddles
Good results
Time to relax
 
Day 147 - so a nice day yesterday of not doing much - good results for all my different sports teams (not perfect, mind, but good). Ended up slightly annoying my wife with constant checking in that she was okay. I do have to let myself relax a little more sometimes. I trust that if she isn’t happy about something she will tell me. Here’s to the start of a positive week.

Things I am grateful for:
My beautiful wife
Payday
Nice weekend

Things I hope for today:
Cuddles
Positive results at work
Smiles
 
Day 148 - yesterday was tough at work, lots of little challenges that kind of built up. Didn’t help that I’m starting to feel rough (sore throat) but pushed through and made it to the end of the day. Hoping today will be better. I have a niggling thought at the back of my head and it’s my old foe money anxiety trying to coax me into a state of unease. I’m doing my best to ignore it.

Things I am grateful for:
I am here
My wonderful wife
NoFap forum

Things I hope for today:
Cuddles
More positive day at work
Better sleep
 
Day 149 - yesterday was more positive, but definitely not running on 100%. Still, have to keep pushing on. My car is having its service today and so the wonderful voice of negativity around money flares up again. I know it will be okay but it still drives me nuts.

Things I am grateful for:
My wife’s beautiful smile
Good sleep
Jobs done

Things I hope for today:
Better than I imagine
Positive mindset
Cuddles
 
Day 150 - today I have hit day 150 of no PM. I don’t exactly feel elated about this, though I completely see how it is a huge achievement, especially as to how I reflect on my past behaviour.

I just wish there was no need for a day 150. I wish there was no need for a day 1. I wish I had never looked at this evil shit in the first place and fallen into its trap. I wish I had been a better husband and soul mate to my wonderful wife. She is honestly the best thing that has happened to me because she is still here. She sees something in me that I rarely see in myself. I am so lucky to have her in my life and yet I have treated her appallingly.

I will take day 150 on the chin and keep on trying to live my life like I have done the last 149 days - one day at a time, positive headspace, try not to disappear into my own thoughts.

Day 200 will come around mid-November. Maybe I will feel differently about it then.

Things I am grateful for:
Day 150
My wife, who is everything.
Jobs done

Things I hope for today:
Energy
Better sleep
Cuddles
 
Day 152 - yesterday was a better day all things over. Had some good successes in work and managed to sneak a love letter into my wife’s lunch box which she really loved. I haven’t done that in a while, don’t want to do it too often otherwise it will lose its special significance. Looking forward to a relaxed weekend with some family time tomorrow, as well as keeping up with the sport.

Things I am grateful for:
My wonderful wife
Weekend
Successes

Things I hope for today:
Cuddles
Time for reflection
Relaxation and happiness
 
Day 153 - nice day yesterday, lots of cuddles with the wife but she had a really awful sleep the night before so I try not to push it too far. Emphasis on try - I sometimes forget myself. Hopefully another nice day today spending time with family.

Things I am grateful for:
My wife is just awesome
Lovely start to weekend
Great food

Things I hope for today:
Nice times
Focus on the moment
Cuddles
 
Day 155 - so we have a cat now. It was a pretty quick turnaround of events, but we have rescued a two year old female and she is already winning hearts and minds. I never saw myself as a cat person but this one is undeniably cute. Nice to have something for us to come home to as well.

Things I am grateful for:
Bills paid
Friendly meows
Happy family

Things I hope for today:
Jobs done at work
Cuddles
Smiles
 
Day 156 - the cat is still with us, so that’s a win, it’s not tried to run away or anything. It’s nice to have another animal around that has a draw to humans again. We lost our dog at the start of this year - I had to go to the vets when he was sick and be the one to be there to make the decision to let him go to sleep. It was honestly one of the toughest decisions I have ever had to make. I don’t know if it affected me with regards to my P addiction but I’m sure there was a factor to it.

Things I am grateful for:
Friendly cat being friendly to my wife
Doing crosswords with my wife at the end of the day
Finished my game at last

Things I hope for today:
Jobs done at work
Cuddles
Dinner cooks properly in slow cooker
 
Day 159 - made it to the weekend, realise I haven’t posted that much on here for a couple of days. Having the cat in the house means a slightly different routine in the mornings, so I need to make sure I include my journaling when I can into this new routine. So far it’s all going nicely - she’s settling in well and getting friendlier with us by the day. My wife and daughter are absolutely thrilled and I must confess I am starting to grow very fond of the new pet as well.

Work has been good but slightly stressful. Glad it’s the weekend and that we have some nice plans for the next two days. Really exciting trip planned for this time next week so we are counting down to that too!

Things I am grateful for:
The weekend
My wonderful wife’s happiness
Coffee

Things I hope for today:
Nice day out
Cuddles
Time for reflections
 
Day 161 - yesterday wasn’t great if I’m honest. We didn’t have any plans as such and so ended up being stuck at home. My wife started to get very frustrated with this and we ended up having a conversation about it in the evening. She made the point that I am slipping into bad habits again - I can categorically and faithfully say I haven’t looked at anything over these 161 days so I know I can be true about that. But I haven’t been to a meeting for a while. I think it’s me trying to ignore the guilt that builds up in me when I go to one, because it’s proof that I have done something wrong. Still, as my wife pointed out, it’s always there in the long run and so I should probably get over myself and accept it for the support it should provide and not as a beacon of shame.

Things I am grateful for:
My wife and honest conversations
Our cat continuing to grow more comfortable with us
Good sleep

Things I hope for today:
Good start to working week
Better talks with wife
Cuddles
 
Day 162 - yesterday wasn’t too bad, I managed to get a bit done at work and get stuff prepped for today at home as well. I’m looking to go to a meeting tonight, first one in a while, but potentially going to try a different one than the one I have been going to. Those meetings are good but they finish late and I just don’t think it’s fair on my family to make them wait up until I’m done. I’d rather try and find one that finishes at a decent hour before bedtime. Here’s hoping anyway.

Things I am grateful for:
Getting jobs done
Happy wife
Plans for the weekend

Things I hope for today:
Meaningful meeting
Cuddles
Positive results at work
 
Day 163 - not sure why but the meeting last night felt like a breath of fresh air. Maybe it was because I hadn’t been there for a while, or maybe it was because for the first time other people mentioned that they were P addicts as well as S and L. Will look to return to that group next time.

The rest of the day was okay - I managed to get stuff done that needed to be done but it all felt like a little bit of a rush. At least it is the middle of the week and we are one step closer to the weekend.

Things I am grateful for:
Good meeting last night
My wonderful wife
Happy cat

Things I hope for today:
Jobs done
Time for reflection
Cuddles
 
Day 165 - made it to the end of another week. I’m really looking forward to the weekend as we have some really cool plans. I just have that old friend money anxiety creeping over my shoulder but I’m choosing to ignore it and focus on the day ahead.

Things I am grateful for:
End of the week
My wife’s gorgeous smile
Coffee

Things I hope for today:
Positive results at work
Cuddles
Time for reflection
 
Day 166 - the weekend is here. We have some fun plans for the next two days and I’m determined to enjoy them. My wife has been feeling a little under the weather but we are going to still make the best of it.

Things I am grateful for:
Weekend
Plans
My brilliant wife

Things I hope for today:
Nice memories
Cuddles
Time to relax
 
Day 168 - the weekend was a blast. Both yesterday and Saturday my wife, daughter and I had some really lovely moments and it made for a really great couple of days. The weather being lovely (proper autumn weather too) really helped. Plus I could tell my wife was a lot happier than she had been last weekend. I did let me hormones get the better of me a little and was a little grabby, for which I apologised. She said that I have been worse - which I guess is a positive result? I just need to keep my hands to myself ultimately. It’s tricky when your wife is as gorgeous as mine is, but ultimately I have to respect her as a human being and not as an object.

Things I am grateful for:
A lovely weekend
Cuddles
My wonderful wife

Things I hope for today:
Positive results at work
Cuddles
Time for reflection
 
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