New journal

Day 6 - yesterday was not the best day. My parents came round to celebrate my birthday and on a whim I decided to tell them what had been going on. I didn’t warn my wife that I was going to do anything like that and with hindsight that was a mistake. In the evening she was understandably upset and made the point that everything I have been doing so far with this has been for me and not for her. Thinking on this, I realised that, though I thought it was showing her how committed I was to finding a way forward, I have done nothing to show her that she is still the most important person in my life. I need to get out of my own bubble and get my head straight. I can’t lose her - I’m just a prize moron really.
 
Warren of fleabags said:
Day 6 - yesterday was not the best day. My parents came round to celebrate my birthday and on a whim I decided to tell them what had been going on. I didn’t warn my wife that I was going to do anything like that and with hindsight that was a mistake. In the evening she was understandably upset and made the point that everything I have been doing so far with this has been for me and not for her. Thinking on this, I realised that, though I thought it was showing her how committed I was to finding a way forward, I have done nothing to show her that she is still the most important person in my life. I need to get out of my own bubble and get my head straight. I can’t lose her - I’m just a prize moron really.
Click to expand...

Yea I think most women don't want their husbands PMO issues public. I know mine sure doesn't. She's probably ashamed to be with a P addict I suppose.

Keep your head up. Your doing what you think is right and with that may come short term struggles with long term benefits.
 
Day 7 - yesterday was a better day. I had my first counselling session. There will be seven sessions overall. My councillor listened as I said stuff that I’ve never said to anyone else apart from my wife. It felt very weird to talk about it. He assured me that everything is still very raw right now, and without going into personal details said he had experience with what I am going through.

I then took my wife and daughter out for the day - my wife is very into vintage fashion and as there was a market in the city I had bought tickets for this. It didn’t go quite to how I had hoped - if she had found something she liked I would have bought it for her. But there wasn’t anything there that really was her shape - and that was the same in every other shop we went into. This really discouraged her and I felt partially responsible for this. She said she had still had a nice time and it was in the end a good day away from the house and just ambling around the city like we used to when we first started dating ten years ago. I need to be the catalyst for more of these moments.
 
Warfman said:
Yea I think most women don't want their husbands PMO issues public. I know mine sure doesn't. She's probably ashamed to be with a P addict I suppose.
Click to expand...
I wanted to give another perspective on this. For SO's, there might be some shame in the fact that our partner is a P addict...perhaps somewhat of a reflection of our choices. However, I think more often that shame falls directly on us...it feels like a reflection of us as a person, as a wife/partner. It seems like a common (mis)conception that, if someone becomes a PA, it's probably because his wife isn't doing enough to satisfy him sexually. Churches, society, and even some addicts themselves promote the idea that the addiction would mostly be remedied if the wife would just (fill in the blank). Even though this is completely wrong, there's been enough blame thrown our way that it's difficult to not feel like it's at least partially our fault that our partner chooses to go outside of our relationship for sex. Unlike any other addiction our partners could have, this one feels personal because it involves our partner giving away a part of themselves that's never supposed to be shared with anyone but us...they aren't content with what we offer. How could that not make us feel a sense of shame?

So, it's possible that, as an SO, we don't want everyone knowing that our partner is a P addict, not because we're ashamed that something is wrong with you but because we're ashamed that everyone will think there's something wrong with us.
 
hope4healing said:
I wanted to give another perspective on this. For SO's, there might be some shame in the fact that our partner is a P addict...perhaps somewhat of a reflection of our choices. However, I think more often that shame falls directly on us...it feels like a reflection of us as a person, as a wife/partner. It seems like a common (mis)conception that, if someone becomes a PA, it's probably because his wife isn't doing enough to satisfy him sexually. Churches, society, and even some addicts themselves promote the idea that the addiction would mostly be remedied if the wife would just (fill in the blank). Even though this is completely wrong, there's been enough blame thrown our way that it's difficult to not feel like it's at least partially our fault that our partner chooses to go outside of our relationship for sex. Unlike any other addiction our partners could have, this one feels personal because it involves our partner giving away a part of themselves that's never supposed to be shared with anyone but us...they aren't content with what we offer. How could that not make us feel a sense of shame?

So, it's possible that, as an SO, we don't want everyone knowing that our partner is a P addict, not because we're ashamed that something is wrong with you but because we're ashamed that everyone will think there's something wrong with us.
Click to expand...

And then there is also the shame that comes with a spouse choosing to still stay in the relationship with the PA. Others would think, "What kind of person would do that?" "Someone that feels so low of themselves that they can't just break it off?"
 
Warren of fleabags said:
Day 7 - yesterday was a better day. I had my first counselling session. There will be seven sessions overall. My councillor listened as I said stuff that I’ve never said to anyone else apart from my wife. It felt very weird to talk about it. He assured me that everything is still very raw right now, and without going into personal details said he had experience with what I am going through.

I then took my wife and daughter out for the day - my wife is very into vintage fashion and as there was a market in the city I had bought tickets for this. It didn’t go quite to how I had hoped - if she had found something she liked I would have bought it for her. But there wasn’t anything there that really was her shape - and that was the same in every other shop we went into. This really discouraged her and I felt partially responsible for this. She said she had still had a nice time and it was in the end a good day away from the house and just ambling around the city like we used to when we first started dating ten years ago. I need to be the catalyst for more of these moments.
Click to expand...

I think for many women the quality time spent together means much more to her than you buying something that she would have liked. At the very least I think the time spent together is much more meaningful.
 
KevinesKay said:
And then there is also the shame that comes with a spouse choosing to still stay in the relationship with the PA. Others would think, "What kind of person would do that?" "Someone that feels so low of themselves that they can't just break it off?"
Click to expand...
Yes, all of the above . But also- “ you left because of porn? All men do that, you’re crazy, he’s a great guy”……
 
hope4healing said:
I wanted to give another perspective on this. For SO's, there might be some shame in the fact that our partner is a P addict...perhaps somewhat of a reflection of our choices. However, I think more often that shame falls directly on us...it feels like a reflection of us as a person, as a wife/partner. It seems like a common (mis)conception that, if someone becomes a PA, it's probably because his wife isn't doing enough to satisfy him sexually. Churches, society, and even some addicts themselves promote the idea that the addiction would mostly be remedied if the wife would just (fill in the blank). Even though this is completely wrong, there's been enough blame thrown our way that it's difficult to not feel like it's at least partially our fault that our partner chooses to go outside of our relationship for sex. Unlike any other addiction our partners could have, this one feels personal because it involves our partner giving away a part of themselves that's never supposed to be shared with anyone but us...they aren't content with what we offer. How could that not make us feel a sense of shame?

So, it's possible that, as an SO, we don't want everyone knowing that our partner is a P addict, not because we're ashamed that something is wrong with you but because we're ashamed that everyone will think there's something wrong with us.
Click to expand...

This resonates with me. In hindsight, I don't think more sex activity with my wife would have prevented me from using PMO. I knew very little about myself and my dysfunctional thought processes and my co-dependencies. I never heard of the Coolidge Effect or the Chaser Effect and the dopamine response to orgasm until I started reading in these forums. The truth of these phenomena hit me square in the eyes. Now I understand some of my drives. It was a true revelation to me. And, understanding those drives has helped me learn how to respond to them in a more healthy, appropriate way within my marriage. I don't know how likely my spouse is to talk about my problem with others. She does not have any really close, intimate friends. She might reveal some of this to one or two of her sisters. She does not tell me a lot of what goes on in her conversations with them but, I think it is unlikely she shares it. And, it is definitely not the kind of info she would share casually. So, I think she keeps it bottled up. She tells me that she is not angry. But, I also believe that her self image took a big hit. (I am working to correct this to the degree that I can influence it.)
 
This use of PMO after committing myself to my SO also took me by surprise. My prior sexual awakening and sex life consisted of PMO. I thought that I would put that behind me when we got married. So, the fact that I sought escape and refuge in PMO after getting married surprised, and disturbed me greatly but, not enough to stop! Telling myself to stop and vowing to myself to stop only went so far, it only lasted months at a time. My internal confusion, Denial, and justification kicked in. After awhile, that justification was easy for me. I did not "actively lie", but, I kept the secret. It was easy to keep secrets, my family of origin never talked openly about any problems, everything was always buried under a heap of shame and guilt. So, my PMO was a long lasting lie of omission. My wife pretty much knew about it anyway. And she may have thought "all guys do it" (and maybe she was relieved that I wasn't bothering her as much anymore.) Anyway, she tolerated the secret without knowing the details. She never confronted me directly. (She is not "good at confrontation" and is a bit of a shrinking violet; I am sure due to her upbringing and low self esteem. She has a passive-aggressive side, as do I.) Years ago she did throw away a stash of Playboy and Penthouse magazines that she found without saying a word to me. That angered me that she threw away my belongings without permission. She did not have the inner skills and strength to directly confront it. And I was ashamed enough to want to ignore and bury the discussion and wanted to avoid confronting my habit. My behaviors never escalated except in frequency. It increased in the last four or five years. I had given up on "keeping myself in check." I knew that I was concerned about the abusive aspects of porn production. It was really my individual counseling, and my ACA recovery that opened me up to the possibility that I was addicted to porn. It was a search for "ethical porn" that somehow brought me to Nofap.

I am so glad that I am here and that I have begun this path of reboot/recovery. And I am thankful for the other members for sharing their struggles, perspectives and lessons-learned. It has helped me in learning to understand others and myself. And, it has helped to have companions on this path.
 
Warfman said:
I think for many women the quality time spent together means much more to her than you buying something that she would have liked. At the very least I think the time spent together is much more meaningful.
Click to expand...
This depends on what her love language is. It may be quality time, but it could also be receiving gifts.
 
walker5210 said:
I don't think more sex activity with my wife would have prevented me from using PMO.
Click to expand...
You're right. It would not have prevented or 'cured' your PMO addiction because sex with your wife (or a lack of) wasn't the reason you became addicted. I was just saying that there are a lot of people who do think that even though it's wrong.
 
hope4healing said:
I wanted to give another perspective on this. For SO's, there might be some shame in the fact that our partner is a P addict...perhaps somewhat of a reflection of our choices. However, I think more often that shame falls directly on us...it feels like a reflection of us as a person, as a wife/partner. It seems like a common (mis)conception that, if someone becomes a PA, it's probably because his wife isn't doing enough to satisfy him sexually. Churches, society, and even some addicts themselves promote the idea that the addiction would mostly be remedied if the wife would just (fill in the blank). Even though this is completely wrong, there's been enough blame thrown our way that it's difficult to not feel like it's at least partially our fault that our partner chooses to go outside of our relationship for sex. Unlike any other addiction our partners could have, this one feels personal because it involves our partner giving away a part of themselves that's never supposed to be shared with anyone but us...they aren't content with what we offer. How could that not make us feel a sense of shame?

So, it's possible that, as an SO, we don't want everyone knowing that our partner is a P addict, not because we're ashamed that something is wrong with you but because we're ashamed that everyone will think there's something wrong with us.
Click to expand...

This right here needs it's own Forum! I might start one to respect this ones subject.
 
hope4healing said:
I wanted to give another perspective on this. For SO's, there might be some shame in the fact that our partner is a P addict...perhaps somewhat of a reflection of our choices. However, I think more often that shame falls directly on us...it feels like a reflection of us as a person, as a wife/partner. It seems like a common (mis)conception that, if someone becomes a PA, it's probably because his wife isn't doing enough to satisfy him sexually. Churches, society, and even some addicts themselves promote the idea that the addiction would mostly be remedied if the wife would just (fill in the blank). Even though this is completely wrong, there's been enough blame thrown our way that it's difficult to not feel like it's at least partially our fault that our partner chooses to go outside of our relationship for sex. Unlike any other addiction our partners could have, this one feels personal because it involves our partner giving away a part of themselves that's never supposed to be shared with anyone but us...they aren't content with what we offer. How could that not make us feel a sense of shame?

So, it's possible that, as an SO, we don't want everyone knowing that our partner is a P addict, not because we're ashamed that something is wrong with you but because we're ashamed that everyone will think there's something wrong with us.
Click to expand...

I think that this is absolutely right - my wife’s number one question during all of this has been what is wrong with her rather than what is wrong with me.
 
walker5210 said:
This use of PMO after committing myself to my SO also took me by surprise. My prior sexual awakening and sex life consisted of PMO. I thought that I would put that behind me when we got married. So, the fact that I sought escape and refuge in PMO after getting married surprised, and disturbed me greatly but, not enough to stop! Telling myself to stop and vowing to myself to stop only went so far, it only lasted months at a time. My internal confusion, Denial, and justification kicked in. After awhile, that justification was easy for me. I did not "actively lie", but, I kept the secret. It was easy to keep secrets, my family of origin never talked openly about any problems, everything was always buried under a heap of shame and guilt. So, my PMO was a long lasting lie of omission. My wife pretty much knew about it anyway. And she may have thought "all guys do it" (and maybe she was relieved that I wasn't bothering her as much anymore.) Anyway, she tolerated the secret without knowing the details. She never confronted me directly. (She is not "good at confrontation" and is a bit of a shrinking violet; I am sure due to her upbringing and low self esteem. She has a passive-aggressive side, as do I.) Years ago she did throw away a stash of Playboy and Penthouse magazines that she found without saying a word to me. That angered me that she threw away my belongings without permission. She did not have the inner skills and strength to directly confront it. And I was ashamed enough to want to ignore and bury the discussion and wanted to avoid confronting my habit. My behaviors never escalated except in frequency. It increased in the last four or five years. I had given up on "keeping myself in check." I knew that I was concerned about the abusive aspects of porn production. It was really my individual counseling, and my ACA recovery that opened me up to the possibility that I was addicted to porn. It was a search for "ethical porn" that somehow brought me to Nofap.

I am so glad that I am here and that I have begun this path of reboot/recovery. And I am thankful for the other members for sharing their struggles, perspectives and lessons-learned. It has helped me in learning to understand others and myself. And, it has helped to have companions on this path.
Click to expand...

Thank you for sharing your story - so much of it connects with my own.

Warfman said:
True. As with most love languages I think they are on a spectrum. Quality Time I think is one of the most common.
Click to expand...

I think that the quality time is something I greatly missed and have done for a long time now. If that’s true for me then it is true for her
 
Day 8 - it has now been one week since I took this path and no PM or O so far - which is great but I know I’ve been here before. I need to take it one day at a time.

My wife and I spoke about the 12 steps today - I have found some called the proactive 12 steps which have been interesting to read. We also spoke about her. Knowing what some have suggested on here, I spoke about betrayal trauma. After going through the list of symptoms, we were fairly convinced that this is true for her as well. Her last relationship had been a physically abusive one, so that may have some input as well. Overall, I have done this to her - which makes me feel horrendous. Yet somehow she is willing to still love me and support me through this. I don’t know what I did to deserve her but there must be something I do right.
 
Day 9 - my wife has a very important and busy week at work so the more I can do without worrying her the better. The plumber finally came round to remove our towel rail and cap the pipe. My parents were able to be there to let them in. So far no mention of money - my parents booked the job for us so it’s likely that they will receive the bill, which at the moment will be god because it gives us a little more time to make sure we are good to pay.
I think money is my most stressful thing in my life. We never seem to have enough to be comfortable, always on edge slightly about making ends meet. I wonder if that is one of the reasons why I was doing what I was doing. I told my wife yesterday I really appreciate her for everything she does for us and for me. I think she was happy to hear this.
 
Warren of fleabags said:
Day 9 - my wife has a very important and busy week at work so the more I can do without worrying her the better. The plumber finally came round to remove our towel rail and cap the pipe. My parents were able to be there to let them in. So far no mention of money - my parents booked the job for us so it’s likely that they will receive the bill, which at the moment will be god because it gives us a little more time to make sure we are good to pay.
I think money is my most stressful thing in my life. We never seem to have enough to be comfortable, always on edge slightly about making ends meet. I wonder if that is one of the reasons why I was doing what I was doing. I told my wife yesterday I really appreciate her for everything she does for us and for me. I think she was happy to hear this.
Click to expand...

I can relate, I have an MBA with finance emphasis and run our family business now. I think finance all day.

My wife and I really struggled with joint finances early on. It was hard to navigate both of us and our goals and agendas under the same roof.

It's awesome you see that as a cause of your stress. For me conflict with things like finances with my spouse were especially triggering. I'm a saver and goal oriented. She's a spender, and is more of a free spirit. Communication is important especially without judgement. I made the huge error early on by pushing my financial view onto her way to much.

You are doing great man.
 
Warren of fleabags said:
Day 9 - my wife has a very important and busy week at work so the more I can do without worrying her the better. The plumber finally came round to remove our towel rail and cap the pipe. My parents were able to be there to let them in. So far no mention of money - my parents booked the job for us so it’s likely that they will receive the bill, which at the moment will be god because it gives us a little more time to make sure we are good to pay.
I think money is my most stressful thing in my life. We never seem to have enough to be comfortable, always on edge slightly about making ends meet. I wonder if that is one of the reasons why I was doing what I was doing. I told my wife yesterday I really appreciate her for everything she does for us and for me. I think she was happy to hear this.
Click to expand...


Warren. I've been anxiously awaiting your next journal entry!

I hope all is going well.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top