New journal

Warren of fleabags said:
Day 447 - well, once again, I have had a reality check from my wife. I find it quite unnerving how I can so easily try to lie about something to her face. Why do I do that? It’s not respectful and it’s not fair, and it does our relationship no favours whatever. The worst thing is that it was nothing sinister at all. It was to do with not having a present for one of my team and I had just said I had had it sorted. I don’t know why I just wasn’t honest.

Actually, come to think of it, I do. I’m a selfish, egotistical man child, who can’t stand confrontation and still acts like an immature brat. So that.

The really rubbish bit of this is that I know the more I do, the more suspicious she will get that I am acting out again, and I’m not! I have been clean for the number of days on the counter but her trust and faith in me is shaken once again. This is all my doing and all my own mess. I need to put the work in to get it right, and that means being truthful all the time. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me ever in my life and I cannot lose her. I need to be better. Always be better.

Things I am grateful for:
My beautiful wife
Nice day out
Reality checks

Things I hope for today:
Healing
Cuddles
Common sense
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I feel you on the lies. Even the little ones. Every time I check myself on one it’s almost universally one reason especially with my wife.

avoiding conflict. Check that shit at the door if it’s you as well. (I’m talking to myself as well on that one)

your journal is really open and a helpful blueprint for me my guy . Keep going you’re doing awesome I think and you’ll get through to new highs in your marriage.
 
The Shift said:
I feel you on the lies. Even the little ones. Every time I check myself on one it’s almost universally one reason especially with my wife.

avoiding conflict. Check that shit at the door if it’s you as well. (I’m talking to myself as well on that one)

your journal is really open and a helpful blueprint for me my guy . Keep going you’re doing awesome I think and you’ll get through to new highs in your marriage.
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Thank you for your kind words - I’m glad to be of service :)
 
Day 453 - did anyone watch the Olympics opening ceremony last night? Seriously what was that all about?

My wife and I went on a trip to Paris years ago and were a little disappointed to be honest. The best part was when we discovered Monmarte - that was the Paris I think we were looking for. Nothing against the city or the people, but that was our experience. My wife also got quite sick that time and I don’t think that helped either.

I think it’s all about your ideas and the reality check. It’s like P really - it’s cooked up as this ultimate satisfying fantasy. Real S is amazing, no doubt about that, but it’s also hilarious, awkward, honest. And it genuinely means more if you’re with someone you care about. I wasted so much of my life focusing on a fake version of S, that it coloured my ideas of real S and also manipulated the way I went round trying to perform.

Basically: P is fake bullsh*t. It’s not worth my time.

Things I am grateful for:
My gorgeous wife
Safe journeys
Laughter

Things I hope for today:
Cuddles
Nice day out
Sunshine
 
Day 455 - after a nice, relaxed weekend my old friend financial anxiety is tearing up its ugly head. Normally it would be something I could ignore more - I have enough for the bills to be paid, I will be able to get by with other areas to help. But this month is our holiday break and this month will need extra cash. This then puts extra pressure on my wife, who has already spent a lot over the last week. She earns substantially more than me but still not fair on her to put that on her shoulders. The worst thing I know I can do though is dwell on it. It won’t change anything if I do that. I just have to remember to take every day one at a time. There will be a solution somewhere, there always is.

Things I am grateful for:
My gorgeous wife
Sunshine
Laughter

Things I hope for today:
Nice day out
Out of my head
Calmness
 
Day 457 - it was so hot yesterday my brain almost melted. In a better place with regards to the financial anxiety - have taken control and action to make sure that there is a back up to any issues. Plan is today to have a nice morning out with a picnic with the family - not sure what we will be doing rest of the week. I am craving intimacy with my wife again - I know I have to be patient. I know how lucky I am to just be able to still be sleeping in the same bed after my actions in the past.

Things I am grateful for:
My beautiful wife
Fans
NoFap

Things I hope for today:
Nice day out
Cuddles
Plans
 
Day 458 - woken up to quite a grey day today. Had a nice day out with the family yesterday. Not entirely sure what we are going to do today. We couldn’t really reach a decision. For some reason it puts me on edge. My wife says to me it must be exhausting being in my mind and I think she’s right. What I worry about ultimately is that I want her to be happy as much as possible. Probably it’s guilt from the past still seeping in. So when we don’t have a plan of what to do I worry that in the end it will affect her happiness. But then I can’t think of a sensible suggestion.

I hate my mind.

Things I am grateful for:
My gorgeous wife
Bills paid
Nice day out

Things I hope for today:
Cuddles
Plans
Smiles
 
Day 461 - been a good couple of days overall, though incredibly hot weather wise and making us not really want to do anything major. We went out as a family to the city yesterday and did an interactive scavenger hunt which was cool. It’s been a good start to our holidays really.

Things I am grateful for:
My beautiful wife
Cuddles
Days out

Things I hope for today:
Relaxation
Cuddles
Happiness
 
Day 462 - not sure what we are up to today. Hopefully we will be able to think of something. Been trying to build myself up emotionally a little over the course of the last few days. If things don’t entirely go to plan it’s not the end of the world, just roll with it. It’s not all about me. I have also been realising more and more that, actually, my wife (who I know is my best friend anyway) is one of the very few, if not only, person who I can really trust to not let me down and hurt me. That means so much to me.

Things I am grateful for:
My gorgeous wife
Food
Good sleep

Things I hope for today:
Cuddles
Plans
Happiness
 
Day 463 - yesterday was a mixed bag. Overall it was a good day but my wife was very tired and needed space. My problem is that I instantly go on the defensive and try to make her feel better. This does not work and I should know this by now! It was all okay towards the end of the day - she didn’t get cross with me but just reminded me that I don’t need to keep acting like this. Ultimately, deep down, I still have a deep rooted fear that she will just up and leave which is ridiculous because the amount of sh*t I’ve put her through and she hasn’t left me? As she often says, it must be exhausting being in my head.

Things I am grateful for:
My gorgeous wife
Positive purchases
Sleep

Things I hope for today:
Cuddles
Nice day out
Smiles
 
Day 464 - we had a great family day out yesterday, which is good because today my stepson goes to spend a week with his dad before we go away all together for a week later. My wife wasn’t feeling too great by the end of the day but I made sure I didn’t crowd her or fuss massively unless it was absolutely necessary. Going to have a quietish day today I think.

Things I am grateful for:
My beautiful wife
Nice days out
Good weather

Things I hope for today:
Cuddles
Chance to relax
Positive vibes
 
Day 465 - I say it a few times on this thread but life is good. Life is not great - that’s life, it has its challenges. But life is good. I am married to a beautiful, caring, intelligent woman. I have a clever, resilient and gorgeous daughter. I have a funny, kind and determined stepson. I have a house that is mine and food in the fridge. My bills are paid. I have a good career. I have the opportunity to have a nice break and to enjoy the summer.

There is no need in my life for PMO. There is no room in my life for PMO. It is a disease that I don’t want to have anymore. Its short term results are nothing compared to the long term positives I have outlined. That’s the focus. One day at a time.

Things I am grateful for:
All the above plus
My wonderful wife - she totally deserves mentioning twice.
Good sleep
Supermarket deals

Things I hope for today:
Cuddles
Good vibes
Laughter
 
Day 466 - so a fairly nice day yesterday slight tempered when we realised I hadn’t cooked the chicken fully for our dinner last night. We stopped eating and hopefully we spotted it before we did a lot of damage. So far, so good, but annoyed with myself that I wasn’t more careful. Lesson learned. If all goes okay, we have a nice day out planned for today so hoping we can still do that.

Things I am grateful for:
My beautiful wife
Forgiveness
Good sleep

Things I hope for today:
Wellness
Cuddles
Smiles
 
Day 469 - another weekend come and gone. We were busy helping a relative move house yesterday which was rewarding in itself. Less than a week to go until we go away away for a proper holiday which we are all looking forward to. Woke up with a slight headache this morning but nothing too major. Overall, life is good.

Things I am grateful for:
My beautiful wife
Usefulness
Positivity

Things I hope for today:
Cuddles
Shady areas to cool down
Laughter
 
Warren of fleabags said:
Day 466 - so a fairly nice day yesterday slight tempered when we realised I hadn’t cooked the chicken fully for our dinner last night. We stopped eating and hopefully we spotted it before we did a lot of damage. So far, so good, but annoyed with myself that I wasn’t more careful. Lesson learned. If all goes okay, we have a nice day out planned for today so hoping we can still do that.

Things I am grateful for:
My beautiful wife
Forgiveness
Good sleep

Things I hope for today:
Wellness
Cuddles
Smiles
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Don’t know why but I had a terrible run of like 5 straight meals of chicken where I either burnt it to a crisp or it was way under…. I don’t even feel like I did it THAT different lol

also it would appear you’ve inspired yet another person to document and dive into their healing journey… you’re truly doing great work my friend!
 
The Shift said:
Don’t know why but I had a terrible run of like 5 straight meals of chicken where I either burnt it to a crisp or it was way under…. I don’t even feel like I did it THAT different lol

also it would appear you’ve inspired yet another person to document and dive into their healing journey… you’re truly doing great work my friend!
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I’m normally so careful because both my wife and I hate being ill. Cooked chicken last night and all fine - just have to be vigilant about it, like lots of things in life. And thank you for your kind words.

Nextian said:
He is completely right @Warren of fleabags

I am currently catching up on your journal and am 14 pages in. Still amazed how you keep translating your deepest thoughts to sentences.
This is something I struggle with so far I would say.

You are an absolute role model for me! Inspiring!
Thanks for being so open about your life.
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That’s extremely kind of you - thank you for that boost. It’s been a long journey so far with many years to go still.
 
Day 470 - my god it was hot yesterday. We managed to get out in the morning briefly (to look at Halloween things, would you believe) but then spent the rest of the day at home slumped onto our sofa with the fans on full blast. Today is hopefully going to be a little cooler - fingers crossed. Hilariously, I started to crave intimacy with my wife which was never going to be an option on account it was as hot as the surface of the sun! I was good about giving her space though. It does make me feel slightly silly when this happens though - maybe even a little selfish? Probably actually.

Things I am grateful for:
My gorgeous wife
Air conditioner
Good books

Things I hope for today:
Cuddles
Continue not to irritate
Jobs done
 
Warren of fleabags said:
Day 470 - my god it was hot yesterday. We managed to get out in the morning briefly (to look at Halloween things, would you believe) but then spent the rest of the day at home slumped onto our sofa with the fans on full blast. Today is hopefully going to be a little cooler - fingers crossed. Hilariously, I started to crave intimacy with my wife which was never going to be an option on account it was as hot as the surface of the sun! I was good about giving her space though. It does make me feel slightly silly when this happens though - maybe even a little selfish? Probably actually.

Things I am grateful for:
My gorgeous wife
Air conditioner
Good books

Things I hope for today:
Cuddles
Continue not to irritate
Jobs done
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I’m guessing u don’t have AC? Our first house only had a swamp cooler. I wonder now how we did it, lol.
 
Psalm27:1my light said:
I’m guessing u don’t have AC? Our first house only had a swamp cooler. I wonder now how we did it, lol.
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Sadly, no. When we’ve been in shops recently the difference between outside and inside with the ac has been staggering. You almost want to stay the rest of the day in the one shop. Still, it’s meant to be cooler now for the rest of the week…
 
Day 472 - we are busy preparing to go away tomorrow so suitcases are already packed and last jobs are being completed. I’m really looking forward to just getting a chance to be away away for a while. We have not done a lot else this week as it’s been so hot, but have gone out for little trips here and there (for a drink, for example).

Things I am grateful for:
My gorgeous wife
Holiday
Safe journeys

Things I hope for today:
Cuddles
Preparations completed
Better sleep
 
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