New journal

Day 22 - my wife has been feeling a little nervous these last couple of days. In her words, it all seems like it is being too easy. We had another long conversation yesterday evening where we talked about what I was thinking/feeling when using P. Honestly I think I literally was not thinking of anything other than my own selfish needs.

Another thought has sprung to my mind recently. There’s a scene in The Simpsons where Barney drinks beer from an ashtray. Funny when first watched. Now not so much. I am Barney, literally looking at anything I could as a way to satisfy my need. I don’t want to be that pathetic again. That is why this needs to stop. If I don’t then I’m scared about what I may become, let alone the damage it will cause everything in my life.

Things I am grateful for today:
My wife
Tasty potato gratin
Holidays coming ever nearer

 

Thank you for your thoughts. I agree with you what you say - it’s not a need. I need air to breathe. I need food and drink to stay healthy. I don’t need porn. We should devalue it and put value on what really matters when we are fortunate enough to be in a loving relationship - the intimate moments of connection and love between us.

 

Day 24 - another good couple of days. My wife is feeling better in herself and this makes me happy.

My parents have yet to follow on with asking me how the counselling is going. Several times over the last few weeks they have (I feel) had an opportunity to ask me and nothing happens. It makes me feel like they are trying to brush it under the carpet. Maybe they are. I don’t blame them if that’s the case but it still doesn’t stop it from feeling rubbish. My wife helps so much here and I am so grateful for her support. It would just be nice to have that elsewhere too.

Things I am grateful for today:
Long talks with my wife
Pay day
Exciting plans for holiday

 

You may be right of course, and my wife has mentioned the same. I have an opportunity to talk to them about it today. I think I’m just looking for some validation that they see I am trying to sort this out, which actually sounds a little selfish of me when written down like that.

 

Day 26 - first day of a week’s break for me and my wife. We have some good plans for the week, and I am taking her out for the day at some point as well. A proper date day. I am happy to hear that she sees a real change in me. She says that it feels like I am back. We both know that there will still be many challenges ahead - it’s not even been a month yet. The test has to be defeating the voice inside my head, the one that says, “It won’t matter if it’s just once.” I have to make the right choice - the answer has to always be, “Yes it WILL matter.”

Things I am grateful for today:
My wife’s continuing support
My daughter’s excellent writing at school
The start of my holidays

 

Day 27 - so without going into too much detail, I seem to have developed a case of IBS. I have had this in the past when stressed about things - this is obviously a delayed reaction to the first weeks of this process. I refuse to let it ruin my week. It’s just highly annoying (and a little embarrassing).

I was able to speak to my parents yesterday morning - I was the one who brought it up in the end. My mum seemed more willing to talk about it than my dad. I spoke to my wife afterwards and said that I think I just have to accept that this is how it will be. Anyway, in terms of approval and support, she is the most important person for that.

I also yesterday came across a potentially triggering situation - a picture on an email which I would almost certainly have used for my own pleasure. I’m glad I dealt with it in the right way and told my wife about it too. It was just a reminder that there is a long way to go and these types of triggers could be lurking anyway in life.

Things I am grateful for:
My wife putting up with being woken up by me and my bowels early in the morning and being happy to talk at that time.
My parents - for what it’s worth they do care about me.
Sport - so much of it on this weekend and I can’t get enough of it.

 

Day 28 - yesterday we went out as a family on a day out that we have all been looking forward to. It was great until my wife’s mood suddenly changed. When I asked her what the issue was, she said she had seen me looking at another woman and that I had been acting weird afterwards. I assured her that I hadn’t and would not do anything this stupid to jeopardise my recovery. I am making sure I keep my focus where it needs to be. She said that she would give me the benefit of the doubt. I know I’m not lying to her - I know I didn’t do anything wrong. But what scares me is that my constant abuse of her trust may one day cause an issue that isn’t my fault but takes things back to where we were a couple of weeks ago. Having said that, the fact that she is still here at all should be enough for me. I said to her before she went to sleep last night, “It’s going to be okay,” and she replied, “I know it is, that’s why I stayed.”
I love her so much. I have been such a total arse to her. I have so much to pay back for with my actions.

Things I am grateful for:
She has stayed with me through all this shit.
Stomach issues seem to be resolving.
Family times.

 

I do think there is some truth in this. I certainly don’t remember ogling any woman that day.

The fact that she has given me the benefit of the doubt is an encouragement.

Absolutely - although I am desperate to change for her, I’m also desperate to change for myself. I don’t want to be that person.

I think that’s so true. My wife knew something was wrong all the time I was using, even though she didn’t want to confront it. My relationship with her right now is so much closer and better than it has been for a long while.

 

Day 29 - a better day for my wife and I yesterday. We spoke about things I had been reading on the forum. One of the things that I have been reading about is PE. This is usually an issue for me and we were both interested to see the links between PM and this. When we had a discussion the other night about what we like and both want intimately, I said this was my thing I wanted to improve on. We are going to work on it together before we go down the road of pills/sprays etc.

Things I am grateful for:
My gorgeous wife
My daughter asking to help clean the car and giving me some quality time with her.
My parents looking after the kids today so my wife and I can go out today.

 

Day 30 - I have made it to 30 days without P and M. It has been relatively easy on the whole, give or take a couple of minor wobbles. I really don’t think I would be here without a couple of factors:
1) my wife and her support. I am just the luckiest bastard alive right now to have her backing me up. I cannot let her down.
2) a routine of strict vigilance - cutting down my screen time on my phone, leaving the room if something triggering appears on the TV. Yeah, it’s hard sometimes but it’s worth it.
3) counselling and talking about stuff here on NoFap. Even the sad stories - they give me motivation.

Yesterday was such a good day. I took my wife out and had booked lunch and a couple of activities that I thought she would be interested in. I was right - a relief, actually, as I can get this stuff wrong on occasion. She looked stunning and was complimented throughout the day on her beautiful dress. She just beamed most of the day. Only issue was her feet majorly hurt at the end - one of our activities was a walking tour. But she still was so happy and fell asleep in my arms last night.

I realised how much I miss days like those. We used to have them so regularly and with life, kids etc they just seem to disappear. I have promised her more of them and at some point a weekend away just the two of us.

Things I am grateful for:
My wife - my best friend and soul mate.
Beautiful sunshine.
Living close to a city where there is so much to do.