New member, 62 & married for 40 years. 5 months porn-free but still with ED

[broom bromden]

Hello,

Quite a bit to unpack here. Thanks to those who read through. I'm looking for advice from those who have experienced a similar situation, please.

I have a long history with porn, starting with Playboy/Penthouse magazines in the 70's and 80's.

Married in the early 80's. About 25 years ago I had access to cable "NR" programming and began watching after my spouse was asleep. Then started seeking internet porn for the novelty, and leveled up about 8 years ago with an increase in stress about work, and frustration with the unfortunate change in our sexual lives (see below). So for that period I am on a roller coaster of guilt breaks and then relapses. I hit a peak from 2020 through 2022 until I retired at end of last year and decided soon after I needed to finally quit porn. And I have done just that.

Important to mention that about 12 years ago my wife had a lateral mastectomy and has transitioned into peri and now post-menopause. So in addition to body image issues, intra-vaginal sex became painful - and she endured once-a-week sex but in-between she was reluctant to touch me in any way that might arouse me.

All of this to prefice - I've had issues over the past year or two with being fully erect when with my wife, though I have regained strong nocturnal/morning erections during this year since quitting porn. Is my lingering ED from gaining a full recognition of the pain she experienced with sex, or PIED, or a combination?

I've been about 5 months with no porn/sex stories/images & gifs (even avoiding almost all click-bait on mainstream media). No self-masturbation with goal of orgasm (just a little to check how things are working). Two orgasms since late January that happened when my wife was masturbating me as I masturbated her. We usually have a session about once a week for her, and though I am withholding from orgasm I get some love during. Otherwise, we are just cuddling (happily, more than in recent years) when we both have enough energy.

I am healthy by almost all counts and work out to stay very fit for my age. Just trying to deal with my hidden life, selfishness and insensitivity.

Does anyone have a similar story who can share if they made it back to full potency? Did strong erections return in your marital bed? Were you and your wife able to find a way to make penetration pleasurable or comfortable again, without use of systemic HRT due to breast cancer history?

I now am aware of karezza (where partners engage in more gentle sex where the male - and the female if willing - trade traditional orgasms for sexual relations centered on bonding and soul connection). I truly regret that I didn't know about this alternative 12 years ago when my wife's life began to turn upside down.

I have to say, if we never have PIV sex again, we'll be fine. But I have dream of trying the karezza-style intercourse if we could, and maybe we'd both experience more fully what I've been reading about. So if you have recovered from similar circumstances, please share about your journey.

If unfamiliar with karezza, I recommend backing up to the writings from the late 19th and early 20th century by John Humphrey Noyes, Alice B. Stockman and J. William Lloyd. I found Marnia Robinson's "Cupid's Poisoned Arrow" more meaningful after reading those.

Thanks again to any who read all the way through and can respond accordingly. Much appreciation.

 

[Deleted Account]

Have you talked to your wife about any of this?
I have experience from the woman's side, but to be honest, my answer changes based on how much she knows about your use and whether she has supported you using pornography or whether you've kept it a secret.

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

Hello,

Quite a bit to unpack here. Thanks to those who read through. I'm looking for advice from those who have experienced a similar situation, please.

I have a long history with porn, starting with Playboy/Penthouse magazines in the 70's and 80's.

Married in the early 80's. About 25 years ago I had access to cable "NR" programming and began watching after my spouse was asleep. Then started seeking internet porn for the novelty, and leveled up about 8 years ago with an increase in stress about work, and frustration with the unfortunate change in our sexual lives (see below). So for that period I am on a roller coaster of guilt breaks and then relapses. I hit a peak from 2020 through 2022 until I retired at end of last year and decided soon after I needed to finally quit porn. And I have done just that.

Important to mention that about 12 years ago my wife had a lateral mastectomy and has transitioned into peri and now post-menopause. So in addition to body image issues, intra-vaginal sex became painful - and she endured once-a-week sex but in-between she was reluctant to touch me in any way that might arouse me.

All of this to prefice - I've had issues over the past year or two with being fully erect when with my wife, though I have regained strong nocturnal/morning erections during this year since quitting porn. Is my lingering ED from gaining a full recognition of the pain she experienced with sex, or PIED, or a combination?

I've been about 5 months with no porn/sex stories/images & gifs (even avoiding almost all click-bait on mainstream media). No self-masturbation with goal of orgasm (just a little to check how things are working). Two orgasms since late January that happened when my wife was masturbating me as I masturbated her. We usually have a session about once a week for her, and though I am withholding from orgasm I get some love during. Otherwise, we are just cuddling (happily, more than in recent years) when we both have enough energy.

I am healthy by almost all counts and work out to stay very fit for my age. Just trying to deal with my hidden life, selfishness and insensitivity.

Does anyone have a similar story who can share if they made it back to full potency? Did strong erections return in your marital bed? Were you and your wife able to find a way to make penetration pleasurable or comfortable again, without use of systemic HRT due to breast cancer history?

I now am aware of karezza (where partners engage in more gentle sex where the male - and the female if willing - trade traditional orgasms for sexual relations centered on bonding and soul connection). I truly regret that I didn't know about this alternative 12 years ago when my wife's life began to turn upside down.

I have to say, if we never have PIV sex again, we'll be fine. But I have dream of trying the karezza-style intercourse if we could, and maybe we'd both experience more fully what I've been reading about. So if you have recovered from similar circumstances, please share about your journey.

If unfamiliar with karezza, I recommend backing up to the writings from the late 19th and early 20th century by John Humphrey Noyes, Alice B. Stockman and J. William Lloyd. I found Marnia Robinson's "Cupid's Poisoned Arrow" more meaningful after reading those.

Thanks again to any who read all the way through and can respond accordingly. Much appreciation.

My husband had pied for 5 years and de for the entirety of our marriage. He began to heal between 4-6 months, real changes started at around a year. He cannot slip or it wii affect his erection. He is harder now than when he was 23. It takes time though. He’s 55.
As to painful intercourse, I just started periomenopause( I think that’s what it is?) unfortunately I have zero libido and intercourse is very painful now. Haven’t found a way to help that yet . We do Karezza as well as regular intercourse. Both are painful. I do not take any meds for it

 

[broom bromden]

Have you talked to your wife about any of this?
I have experience from the woman's side, but to be honest, my answer changes based on how much she knows about your use and whether she has supported you using pornography or whether you've kept it a secret.

Have you talked to your wife about any of this?
I have experience from the woman's side, but to be honest, my answer changes based on how much she knows about your use and whether she has supported you using pornography or whether you've kept it a secret.

Before her cancer and mastectomy, we sometimes watched soft core movies on cable before bedtime or as we were about to start with sex. After, it wasn't the same for her. As far as the other porn use, she only knew because of catching me a few times. I'd apologize, stop for some period of time, and ultimately relapse. I wasn't strong enough to kick it or to hold up to other pressures.

When I came across this and other similar themed sites discussing porn addiction and PIED (searching for an answer to more frequent ED), I couldn't remain in denial about what I was doing to myself and our relationship. I finally confessed what had been going on. She was really hurt, but never shut down or shut me out.

We're working on re-building trust and I believe we're even starting to do better in some arenas than we had for several years.

 

[broom bromden]

My husband had pied for 5 years and de for the entirety of our marriage. He began to heal between 4-6 months, real changes started at around a year. He cannot slip or it wii affect his erection. He is harder now than when he was 23. It takes time though. He’s 55.
As to painful intercourse, I just started periomenopause( I think that’s what it is?) unfortunately I have zero libido and intercourse is very painful now. Haven’t found a way to help that yet . We do Karezza as well as regular intercourse. Both are painful. I do not take any meds for it

Thanks for sharing. How long was your husband consuming porn, if I can ask? By de, do you mean delayed ejaculation, or something else?

I'm sorry to hear about your change in desire and the pain. I've seen that movie. There are plenty of claimed remedies but we haven't yet found one that was more than partly effective. I hope you find a practitioner or resource who can help you one day.

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

Thanks for sharing. How long was your husband consuming porn, if I can ask? By de, do you mean delayed ejaculation, or something else?

I'm sorry to hear about your change in desire and the pain. I've seen that movie. There are plenty of claimed remedies but we haven't yet found one that was more than partly effective. I hope you find a practitioner or resource who can help you one day.

40 years. He had been using since about 11 years old. Yes de- delayed ejaculation. Apparently the pain is from the lining of the v( inside) thinning, so intercourse, even gentle, can cause scrapes and tears. It’s actually quite painful. I absolutely hate it. I hope once I’m through it I’ll level out and be back to old me. Lol. I’ve heard that does happen , so here is hoping!