New...nervous, anxious, scared...excited

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by leeland44, Aug 23, 2016.

  1. leeland44

    leeland44 Fapstronaut

    Hi, I just found this site, and it stirs a lot of emotions.

    I am 54 years old, married for 35 years, and have been masturbating to porn since I was 13 years old. I am happily married, my wife is beautiful, and she has no idea.

    I am into "edging", and can do it for hours at a time. Hours and hours of my life are scooped up with this. I own my own business, and my office is where I can get away from my wife to indulge. My PC is loaded with videos, I actually have a 4TB external drive just for that purpose, and I routinely delete the porn and then buy subscriptions and re-download it all over again. I use my phone all through the day and night to view porn, to read erotic stories, and I masturbate whenever I can. Some days not at all, some days only once, some days 6 or 8 times. When my wife is traveling without me, I even take time off from work and lock myself in the house and PMO for hours, often bruising my genitals. Sometimes it hurts to walk for a couple of days afterwards. I have developed interests that I don't want to admit to right now (nothing illegal, just more embarrassing to me than what I am writing here) but maybe we can get those things out another time.

    My wife and I have a sexual relationship, but I get so much more enjoyment from PMO than I do from intercourse that sometimes we go months without, and I know it hurts her. I can get an erection with her, but I cannot orgasm with her. When she's climaxed, I'm done. Then I find a way to MO without her in secret. I honestly cannot remember the last time I reached orgasm with her. I did get a famous prescription so that I could function with her, and I find myself using it to extend my edging sessions as well. I take other meds that we blame my inability to climax on, but I know the truth. I AM MISERABLE. But, I found this site, did some reading here, and I can sort of see a light at the end of the tunnel. I must admit, it's a small, dim light, but it's there. I actually feel what seems to be a surge of adrenaline just typing this message. The thought that there are others out there who are in the same boat, and who have climbed out of the boat, is exciting to me.

    I'm not ready today to commit to a challenge. I just need to wrap my head around it. I have "quit" so many times over the years, but it's never lasted more than 2 or 3 days. I've never even made it through a vacation or road trip with my family; somehow I find ways to masturbate to orgasm. I am to the point though that I cannot orgasm without masturbating to porn or erotica, and sometimes then it requires very rough technique. Getting an erection without porn is only possible with my wife and a dose of meds, albeit the orgasm just is not going to happen that way. We've tried her stimulating me, but it doesn't work. When video and pictures start to fail me, I reach for the erotica, and when that fails me I return to the visual stimulation.

    I really want out of this life. I want to have a healthy sexual relationship with my wife again. I want her to be the center of my world and not to be centered around my own sexual gratification at the expense of hers.

    Can you people help me out?
    Sojourner7777 likes this.
  2. Sojourner7777

    Sojourner7777 Fapstronaut

    Welcome Leeland, I honesty believe you have good reason to feel excited/hopeful having found this site. After 30 years carrying my secret, I found this community to be a game changer in my struggle with PMO.

    A couple of suggestions...

    Make time to watch video resources on this site, and especially on, which gives a scientific case for treating PMO as an addiction. Very sobering.

    Although I understand your reticence to commit to a reboot you may not follow through on, when you're ready I do suggest choosing a challenge - no matter how short a time span. The important thing is to start a reboot journal and take time every day to reflect upon and journal your experience. This is tremendously powerful in building self awareness which is going to be gold to you in this process.

    Also, taking time to read other people's journals and posting encouragements actually really helps you too. There's something about reading story after story of the devastation PMO wreakes in people's lives that grows your own conviction that it's simply not worth it.

    Get an accountability partner. Someone who will notice if you disappear and will kick your ass. I meet up occasionally with my AP which has been great.

    An obvious one is to put 'friction' into accessing PMO. By this I mean make key practical decisions that will make it more difficult for you to PMO. If your wife is going on that trip, decide you'll go with her. If you work in an isolated context in your own business, change that and move into a communal space. Whatever - be utterly ruthless here, even if it seems overkill. These measures won't stop you, but they'll slow you down.

    The '3 circles' exercise is also worthwhile to grow self awareness. Basically draw 3 concentric circles, one inside another. In the inner circle, write the behaviors you're absolutely working to change e.g. Watching P, and maybe limiting M. In the outer circle, write new, positive habits that you're looking to inculcate e.g. Reading, some sporting activity, meditation. Then, in the middle circle, write anything that is a 'trigger' for you...anything that leads you to PMO e.g. Being alone, stress, watching sexually charged movies.

    The idea of the exercise is that you can then start monitoring your middle circle behaviors and making adjustments as required. You can also be accountable for your progress on new, outer circle habits.

    I'd really encourage you to give yourself to this process 1000%. It's super-tough at first, but it gets better and I can attest to it having a fantastic effect on my marriage.

    leeland44 likes this.
  3. mike lowry

    mike lowry Fapstronaut

    you should spend as much time away from digital devices as possible, and use them mostly when in company, do not be alone in a room with a computer
  4. leeland44

    leeland44 Fapstronaut

    robert, you are correct and thank you for saying that to me.

    Sojourner, thank you for that reception. You gave me some things to think about. It is my habit every morning to wake up, grab my phone, and go to porn. Today, I woke up, grabbed my phone, and opened this site. Your message was a good start to my day. I am working now and can't say much, but I will refer to the resources you mentioned and post more later. I HAVE NOT VIEWED ANY PORN TODAY! I am smiling!
    Sojourner7777 likes this.
  5. Sojourner7777

    Sojourner7777 Fapstronaut

    That's excellent news. Well done.
  6. seadoo54

    seadoo54 Fapstronaut

    Many stories on here your not alone were the same age.

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