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New NoFap member, long time NoFap failure

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by ToEdgeOrNtToEdge, Nov 20, 2017.

  1. It's a fairly big introductory post so I included a one phrase TL;DR (too long, didn't read) version at the end.

    Well it's a bit hard to describe my situation, cause I don't even understand it myself, so I'll start from the beginning and I hope you can help me understand.

    The first warning I was given about Flatlining and PMO-addiction was actually during my teens, when an uncle was trying to have "the talk" with me and check to see if I was experiencing any problems (my father was dead so my mother probably asked him) and he tried to nonchalantly warn me that if I overdo it, I was bound to run into problems.
    I ignored him but now that warning is haunting me.

    For a long time I had no obvious problems even though I was probably addicted to PMO without knowing and even had a 1,5 year relationship without cutting back (but I was experiencing DE without realizing it was DE).
    When my second relationship started 7 years ago (still ongoing) I was O-ing daily (some days more than once) and when my SO and I tried having sex I encountered ED and Flatlining so I panicked. I almost bought pills but she stopped me, convincing me that it was probably psychological because i was nervous (I actually was nervous, cause it was her first time) and that we should give it some time.
    It was around that time that i did an extensive research on PMO and realized that I probably was an addict.
    I tried very hard to abstain and even though I reseted very often, I managed to at least get rid of my PIED and DE (at least in a way, I explain later).
    Most of my resets would happen every 2-3 days with the longest O-free periods being 7-14 days as far as I can remember.

    Nowadays I have settled into a weird "routine" where I usually PMO half of the days when I don't have sexual contact with my SO (which is fairly often, cause she has a much lower sex drive than me) (this is aided by the fact that we are still not living together)
    This "routine" has, as i mentioned above, helped with ED and DE but I still experience many other side-effects.
    1. First of all, if I try to have sexual contact the day after I PMO, I experience either an annoying sensitivity or reduced sensitivity (After reading some posts I think the cause is Death Grip but I could be wrong) (thankfully the effect lessens if I haven't PMO'd for 2 days and is very faint after 3+ days)
    2. Furthermore, with a some exceptions, I usually need to fantasize about a scene to be able to O. So if I realize that I can't O, I try to remember a scene that turned me on or create one in my head, in order to do so (so i guess, in a way, I still suffer from DE but I can avoid it by fantasizing).
    3. Also, throughout sexual contact with my SO I experience fluctuations in how pleasurable the feeling is, from extremely good to almost no feeling (which usually leads to what i mentioned above, fantasizing about something in order to get turned on and regain pleasure)
    4. Another problem which used to happen to me was experiencing an extremely low sex drive some days (but it could have been related to external factors since it's been a long time since I felt like that)
    5. There is also the fact that the mornings after indulging my addiction I usually don't have morning wood which I interpret as a malfunction (cause the mornings after having PIV aren't the same)
    6. Rarely, I go on a 4-5x binge which leaves my sexual drive depleted for a few days, seriously disrupting the day after the occurrence (the fact that it happens at night so I end up sleeping in the morning contributes to that)
    7. And finally, however many times I try, I still can't stop relapsing, which tells me in a pretty clear way that I'm an addict. I don't think I need to explain the ways my mind makes up excuses and reassurances in order to do it (and btw, even though I call it a routine right now, it's actually an almost daily reset)

    The worst part is that even though I haven't experienced PIED for 7 years (actually that may not be 100% accurate cause I've noticed that sometimes my erection is a bit softer when I have PMO'd the day before), every time I PMO I end up blaming myself and feeling extremely guilty and weak which I'm sure has a huge effect on my mood.
    Apart from that, the guilt and blaming instantly robs me of any pleasure gained so it's a lose-lose situation.
    Also the next day I am worried if i'll experience any of the aforementioned problems which I believe contributes a lot to them. Some days I'm so worried that I intentionally avoid initiating anything sexual in order to give me a O-free day to regain my confidence (luckily, a lot of times, my sex drive takes the reins and I end up ignoring my fear)

    TL;DR version
    I was warned about PMO addiction as a teen, ignored it, PMO'd A LOT, developed ED and DE, reduced PMO to once every 2 days, ED and DE greatly reduced, still experiencing other problems/failing to NoFap/feeling extremely bad about it.

    Thanks for reading, I tried my best to stick to the site's glossary. That's my story, any advice or insight is welcome and I hope my post isn't as boring as it looks to me ^^.
  2. Septimus

    Septimus Fapstronaut

    Welcome @ToEdgeOrNtToEdge, I'm glad you're here.

    Your story is different from mine, but I can identify with a lot of it. My acting out behaviors did end up having their own "rituals," just as you talked about. It's amazing how that happens. The good news is, you can overcome this. This site will help. I hope you keep coming back.

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