New relationship and he’s an addict. What do i do?

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by lja, May 8, 2019.

  1. lja

    lja New Fapstronaut

    Hi! This forum is overwhelming and I’m not sure where to start or even look. I’m hoping someone can point me in the right direction
    My boyfriend of 5 months is addicted to porn and masturbating. To the point where he doesn’t particularly make moves on me or initiate sex at all with me. It’s psychological for him and if he’s stressed or tired doesn’t want to have sex. We only have sex once a week. Sometimes twice. I’m in love with him but I want to feel desired by him and that he’s attracted to me. I want to support his addiction but also I want to have more sexual encounters with him. He went two days without masturbating and we had sex two days in a row and he loved it. But the. Got right back to porn and getting himself off so he was no longer in the mood for me. What can I do to start an adult conversation to help and support him but by also having my needs met. He doesn’t have a past healthy relationship/sexual life. This is the o my healthy relationship he’s used to and I want to help him in any way possible without seeming selfish
    Thanks for your time!
  2. Souvent08

    Souvent08 Fapstronaut

    When did you first notice this? It’s going to take time to get from where he is at to where it would be healthy for both of you. So the two days off that he good is a good start. Next time it may also be two days off and then increase little by little. You are a good girlfriend for being there for him and not holding it against him. He is lucky to have you and he will see it someday. Just hang in there and continue to support him. Pmo is a mental issue and it takes a long time to understand that and to slowly find ways out of it.
  3. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    You're 5 months in... think long and hard if you want this to be your life.... choosing to be with an addict is a choice only you can make... it means a lifestyle of recovery, the chance he will use again one day, etc. It's not a life chosen by the weak of heart.

    He needs to get help and he needs to want it. You can want it all you want but unless he wants to stop he won't stop. He needs outside help (reading, professionals, self-help books,etc.)
  4. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

    I agree, but will be less diplomatic than @Queen_Of_Hearts_13. Get out now before you invest any more time and energy. You have no idea what you are getting into.
  5. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    We all know that porn use has become prevalent and pretty normalized in our society. Rather than immediately ditching him (as suggested), someone you know about and think you can help.....try. It may very well be that this guy isn't ready to drop porn or he's not the right guy regardless but the experience can't hurt (too much.....of course it will hurt if he goes back after making progress). Better working to rid the addiction you know than thinking everything is fine and getting surprised later.

    But, he does sound like he's into the addiction quite completely. Set up a timeline for yourself, communicate your needs and encourage and support him.....until the time is up and if nothing has changed....move on. You will have helped him in the process and protected yourself too.
  6. de severn

    de severn Moderator Assistant

    I know these are extreme comparisons but let’s reposition your dilemma in a way that may help you decide whether you stick it out or cut your losses while you’re not heavily attached:

    Would you date someone who has a history of heroin addiction?

    A peeping Tom?

    A sneaky liar?

    A self-centered layabout?

    A glutton?

    Even if he wants to quit... would you take the chance? Would you let your daughter put up with that risk?
    Deleted Account and Susannah like this.
  7. Souvent08

    Souvent08 Fapstronaut


    Damn! That really puts things into perspective. I wish the guy luck but yeah, you’re right.
  8. Just Rose

    Just Rose Distinguished Fapstronaut

    I agree with the girls above, I suppose they're a porn addict's SO. As a porn literature addict, I wouldn't date me, even when I'm doing pretty well in recovery. I started like that: couldn't stand the abstinence by more than 2 days, and progressed slowly but the truth is that I did it alone. I have a friend with depression and a boyfriend, she did nothing or too little to fix her depression because the guy was anesthesia. Now that the guy wants to leave, because he's tired of her mood, the problem becomes evident. Take care of yourself first, you're not anybody's therapist.
    Deleted Account and Souvent08 like this.
  9. Kitty lover

    Kitty lover Fapstronaut

    Hi lja,
    I hate to say it but I completely agree with the ladies above. At only 5 months in, I would recommend walking away.

    It should be a new fresh and exciting part of your relationship- and his sexual energy needs to be directed at you.

    Good on you for being supportive and trying to be positive. Its the absolute pits that you have met someone lovely who has this problem.

    But if I could do it all over again- I simply WOULDN'T.
    hope4healing likes this.
  10. parad0x

    parad0x Fapstronaut

    Here my male perspective. Give him an ultimatum and stand by it. Just one chance.

    "Quit the born or pack your bags!"
    Kitty lover likes this.
  11. @lja hasn't returned here since her first post, so the issue isn't urgent anymore.

    Let's ask a question: How likely is it to find a partner who isn't a recreational porn user in the modern West?
    parad0x likes this.
  12. Kitty lover

    Kitty lover Fapstronaut

    Hi Wwtl,

    Yes your question is a scary one for sure.

    But there's a big difference between recreational porn use- and addiction.
    I'm not completely anti-porn, and I believe it has its place in society.
    However as soon as a partner feels the need to post on this forum for advice because she's feeling concerned, then she better be prepared to buckle in for a wild ride if she chooses to continue.

    But you're right- she's not been active so perhaps she's found the answers she needs
  13. RisingTrojen

    RisingTrojen Fapstronaut


    I was going through this thread and saw many of them showing the support to ditch him.We are all humans,right? before ditching him you need to try to work on this.being in a relationship doesn't mean that you should be always having a happy time.I know that masturabation is an addiction that is difficult to stop with.But you need to talk.It would be embarssing to talk about this if he is not willing to.

    I am pretty sure that i have read this:"He went two days without masturbating and we had sex two days in a row and he loved it". This itself is a positive sign.
    I Support what @krdt said
    If he really like you he would atleast try to stop.if so you both can jumb the fence and build more trust,have a happy life or else..... ya!! i stand with others....
    Hard times brings the best of you.
    Kitty lover likes this.
  14. This is what I had in mind. Finding a porn virgin in the "freedom" part of the world might be quite a task.

    I beg to differ. Just like with heroine, it's just different stages of addiction. There is no healthy porn use.
  15. Kitty lover

    Kitty lover Fapstronaut

    I think I'd prefer to compare it to alcohol than heroine.

    Most people can enjoy a wine or two occasionally for whatever purpose. But for addicts- a couple of drinks can completely spiral and ruin their life.

    Personally, I used to enjoy P occasionally, especially when I was single and it only had positive effect on my sexlife. I know this can be the case for some people- just not addicts.

    In saying that- I wouldn't go near P now, as it would be a god awful reminder of how my relationship has been ruined.
    hope4healing likes this.
  16. Alcohol is toxic and destroys your inner organs when consumed to much. You can't kill yourself by masturbating too much. ;)

    Heroine OTOH just fucks your reward center by artificially overloading it (like PMO does) and people can't handle withdrawal. This is why it got banned after seeing a phase of recreational use. Porn is going to be treated the same at some point in the future.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 27, 2019
  17. Kitty lover

    Kitty lover Fapstronaut

    I think the ratio of people enjoying Alcohol safely and responsibly vs Heroine is a far fairer comparison to P.

    Anywho, regardless - Booze, drugs & P kills love and lives.
  18. Kitty lover

    Kitty lover Fapstronaut

    And yes, if my partner continues to masturbate he may be at risk :p
    hope4healing likes this.

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