New relationship: Love vs. Cuckold / Sissy / Femdom fantasies

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by +TenPercent, Nov 6, 2019.

  1. +TenPercent

    +TenPercent Fapstronaut

    Hello,
    I am in a new relationship after a few years of NoFap and practicing semen retention.

    In these first few months, partly in response to the insistence of my gf, I have had a handful of orgasms during sex. Even thought I am having O's with her and not with porn and fantasy, it seems to reactivate my physiology (chaser effects) and old patterns in my brain. All my "dark fantasies", which I have worked so hard to get rid of, are returning in full effect! :eek:

    My addict mind wants to give in to these fantasies, to see how they might play out in this new relationship and convinces me that if it all falls apart, so much the better as I will be free to act out and seek a new partner. :rolleyes:

    But what of love??? The Universe has put this amazing woman into my life. I literally chose to give up orgasms and wished to practice karezza (non-orgasmic sex) with the hopes that doing so would ensure a successful, life-long loving and nurturing relationship.

    I am writing today because I want to shift gears. Perhaps my story will help others or perhaps others might help me. Today my gf said that she wants to practice karezza with me and that she does not want me to orgasms because she loves me and doesn't want me to get hurt as I have told her how orgasms take me to dark places.

    This is 180 degrees from what she said a few days ago, or so it seems, when she insisted that either we both have orgasms or we stop having sex. Accepting that I will have regular orgasms totally fired up all my old patterns and fantasies. Now, I am once again facing the prospect of practicing semen retention and focusing on love.

    These fantasies, or elements of them, might haunt me for the rest of my life. But I know that I can not indulge them. The path to love and the path to semen retention is to reject these fantasies. I choose love. I need to focus on love. I need to focus on loving her, not on getting off. I want to choose the high road. Love is reality. Fantasy is rooted in fear.


    I wrote way too much. :oops:
    I always do. Feel free to disregard what was written after this.

    May we all choose love. :)




    Background: This all started at about 4yo with my mother teaching me that "all men are pigs. All they want is sex." which led to shame about being male and my sexuality. Outwardly I appear to be fairly masculine, but inwardly I have struggled with self-loathing and a desire to be less masculine (or not at all) AKA emasculation. Throw in a few painful relationship experiences and the fantasies above really took hold.

    For many years all I wanted was to have these fantasies become my reality and I obsessively pursued finding a partner who would abuse me in the way that I thought I deserved. And what that looked like in reality was: years and years of loneliness and PMO. :oops:

    Then years of trying to quit masturbation, finding that I got healthier in many ways, yet the cuckold fantasies only grew stronger. And, I felt conflicted as I found that quitting M made the situation better and worse at the same time.
    One key element of my cuckold fantasies was being denied pleasure (emasculation) while my partner pursued sexual pleasure with other men. Another element was the power dynamic - she would have power (female dominance) in the relationship if she was getting her sexual needs met elsewhere and I was left in a constant state of sexual lack and dependent on her for any sexual release./SPOILER]
    In short, I think I subconsciously saw cuckoldry as the only way for me to have a successful relationship.:rolleyes:
    As a male, my reptile brain biology drives me to want to reproduce with as many women as possible. To do so would make me "a pig". But I imagined that the threat of another man would keep me focused (obsessed) with pleasing and keeping my partner, and therefor (if I call that love) not "a pig".

    Then someone on NoFap taught me that I am an orgasm addict and she introduced me to Karezza and "Cupid's Poisoned Arrow". My genes don't care one bit about my happiness, they only want to perpetuate themselves by getting me to reproduce as often as possible, with as many different partners as possible. If I practice semen retention, I don't have to be a slave to my biology and with karezza I can develop a meaningful nurturing relationship that will bring me real happiness, offspring or no offspring.

    After years of trying to find "balance", I accepted that I was an orgasm addict and threw out all my porn, got rid of all the fetish gear and sex toys, took art off my walls that might generate arousal and got rid of books and movies that fed into my "dark fantasies".

    Once it was all gone . . . voila, I found myself in a relationship after years of singledom.

    Going hard mode and practicing semen retention was far from easy, but I eventually found success with several 120+ day streaks. But my gf really had a hard time with me not having orgasms. I get it. She wants to know that she really does it for me. She wants validation. She wants to see me happy. She loves me.

    We've gone back and forth on this a few times now. Recently she told me that she is not giving up orgasms and she won't be sexually intimate with me anymore unless I have orgasms, too.

    I capitulated. And, if felt right. I love her and want her to be happy. If feels quite natural in many ways to have sex and orgasms with my partner.

    But, as an orgasm addict, having those orgasms - the flood of hormones and neurochemicals, and then the chaser effect and the fortnight long recovery period after . . . well, it really messes with my head. And my body. Suddenly I feel like I am back on day one, struggling with urges to masturbate, and my mind flooding with powerful "dark fantasies"

    Elements of those fantasies seem to be realised in my current relationship. I have fantasies about submitting to her in various ways. I imagine that I have submitted by letting her determine when I orgasm. I have chosen not to M, but I want to imagine that I have relinquished that option to her while knowing that she does M when we're not together. I have fantasies that all the frustrations we are experiencing now might lead her to fulfill her sexual needs elsewhere. :rolleyes:

    My problem is centred in my mind. Duh. On the outside it might look like I'm in a loving "normal" relationship, but where my head goes . . .

    I wanted happiness, love, nurture and support. I want this woman to feel loved. I want a successful relationship. I can manifest these twisted fantasies into my life, but at what cost?? I let go of my karezza and semen retention ideal just a few days ago. But here it is again. If I choose the higher path, then I can once again try to manifest the healthy and loving relationship of my dreams . . . with a woman who is crazy about me! :)
     
  2. mana95

    mana95 Fapstronaut

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    Having sex or masturbating without porn is better than doing pmo to fantasies, or else wet dreams do the trick.
     
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  3. Master Chips

    Master Chips Fapstronaut

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    This is discouraging.. why the hell would those fantacies come again after 190 days streak
     
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  4. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    Great news that your new love wants to try karezza. You must be so relieved.Maybe her initial reaction was of defensiveness, but now she has thought it through she sees the sense in having a close and committed relationship without the emotional ups and downs of O. Has she read CPA? Maybe you could introduce her to the exchanges. I am loving the sustained fulfilment I am getting from the bonding I am doing with my wife. It's feels so much more wholesome than the rollercoaster trip of O.
     
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  5. +TenPercent

    +TenPercent Fapstronaut

    I agree. But I also see hope. After years of PMO to these fantasies, I finally have a girlfriend and she's amazing! :)
    But, she's also not a sex or porn addict. She doesn't understand my addiction. And, like most people, "normal" sex for her involves both partners having orgasms. When we have sex it is amazing and feels super healthy, but in the hours and days that follow, my body and brain don't really know the difference . . . it just feels like I had an orgasm recently. My body wants that again and goes right to fantasy and masturbation - because that's what I did for years.

    This is challenging, indeed. But it's also a new challenge for me and I am so happy to be struggling with a partner rather than struggling alone. :cool:

    Agree. I am proud of having gone so long without porn and even longer without masturbation.
    But I am also an orgasm addict and need to be very, very wary of orgasms and very self aware and disciplined in the weeks that follow any orgasm.

    Thank you. Your post is encouraging. :)
    I've mentioned CPA but have been reluctant to push it on her. If she's doing well with having orgasms, I'm fearful of ruining that for her. But maybe I can consider introducing the exchanges . . .

    I was thrilled to learn that she had practiced male sexual continence with a previous partner and I imagined that we might smoothly transition into karezza. We have had lots of sex which was non-orgasmic for me (and I loved it!) and we have also practiced some slow, very spiritual love making . . . but it's been far harder for her to accept than I anticipated. I am so incredibly grateful that she is communicating about it.
     
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  6. RestlessEngineer

    RestlessEngineer Fapstronaut

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    This post actually gives me a lot of hope since untill a couple weeks ago I though I could never break free of some of my darker fantasies, but reading this makes me believe that I might just be able to withstand them and start living a normal live again. Thank you for that and best of luck with your relationship.
     
    +TenPercent likes this.
  7. fedmom

    fedmom Fapstronaut

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    There's a thread in my profile on this. It's under "information" and then "find all threads by fedmom".
     
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