Hi guys Never been here before, but have been in the situation you guys are in about five years ago. This is gonna be a long thread hope you can stick with me. I was married to a good guy for 16 years porn was never an issue in our marriage, there where some dusty VHS in the back of a cupboard which nobody looked at. Porn never bothered me, it was no threat, never gave it any moral thought, never gave it any thought!! we divorced cause we wanted different things and we are still great friends today. Then in 2010 i met a guy and he seemed better than all the others i'd met. So thought i'd give it a go. Eventually moved in to my house together, life was good. Yet he didn't seem to cope with life too well, always stressed,depressed,headaches,crying. I was supportive for a while (had the wrong belief what in the right safe circumstances everybody heals and grows) Eventually said he needed to sort this out at the dr's - the relationship was i thought otherwise ok. The last 6 months i picked up something wasn't right - i was working hard to maintain myself esteem, but everytime i looked around to pin point the problem couldn't find one. Anyway my world literally blew apart in 2014. One night he didn't come home. Said he was at the hospital with a student (he was in charge of the social welfare of under 21yr olds including sex education and support). Turned out he was uncontactable by his employer and he was actually with a coworker who was a sex slave/addict. So that was it he'd been unfaithful we were finished. Then i thought i've missed something here, the relationship was good, we had a good sex life (other than him needing a blue pill). So i investigated him, then my world imploded. He had lied about everything from the first date. He was a SA of long standing CAM sex, prostitutes, sex clubs, hook ups, drugs (list not exhaustive). I was concerned given is job he was not the type of person i'd want looking after the welfare of kids. So wrote to his employer - he lost his job, me, his home. The effect on me was horrendous, having trust in yourself that you can read the world make good safe choices is fundamental to our well-being. I had PTSD, (from dday to gone from my life forever in 3 weeks is a massive shock) I was angry - even my vision was red, had anxiety, depression and it took 3 months to get back to work, even then life was hard for 2 years. It was a whole new world i had to get my head around. I couldn't face another relationship, didn't think i'd ever have sex again. But that wasn't my life plan, i wanted to love and be loved - to have companionship and touch and closeness to another human being. Deciding not to let this SA take my life away, i got on to educating myself about SA, healthy relationships, Red flags, what factors indicate a 'healthy' person, what factors did i need to change about me to prevent this happening again? This took another 2 years. Just over a year ago i joined Match just 1 guy from 1000's met my strict criteria. We dated, slowly and carefully, i asked questions on his past, checked he had healthy relationships in his life. No addictions, steady job, no financial problems, was a good dad, took responsibility in life, no childhood trauma, asked about porn use " not often, i find it boring " was the reply. However some red flags noted, some ED, he hadn't slept with his wife for 7 years and he was surprised at performance issues, said it was "his age", googled ED for answers, got supplements to fix it. I said i thought it might be related to porn - but it was dismissed. Apart from that we've had the BEST year ever, our lives have come together like a jigsaw, moved in together, my family love him, i love his kids, the dogs are best friends, he have loads in common, and we were both in love. Then December 2018 my mind became distracted, eventually my gut arrived at porn (always trust your gut instinct!) Checked his phone, sure enough CAM site! the sh*t hit the fan- back to PTSD i went, waking up with panic attacks, overwhelming fight or flight response. Eventually faced getting everything off his phone, actually it could have been worse nothing f*ucked up, 300ish pages in 2 years, nothing live, no cam sites (the original find was a pop up) just stills or women alone, no actual sex at all, but still objectification. Then came the explanation that it started 10 years ago after his exwife had an affair which she denied, he emotionally pulled out and stayed for his kids. Turned to PMO which obviously increased in frequency even if no escalation. Moving in with me must have been a shock to his addiction - but as the months have passed the behaviour was returning back to his old habits when i wasn't here. The last 6 weeks have been a living hell for both of us. We have come as close to splitting as you can get. I have told everybody - they all say give him a chance to stop and put it right ( they don't understand PA) he told his mother, and apologised to his ex wife.He is in emotional melt down. I still haven't arrived at a decision about our future its like being in a washing machine. How do i feel? i want out - he lied, trust disappeared, safety disappeared!Would i put up with alcoholism? drug addiction? gambling? NO!! so why consider porn less a threat? but the relationship was otherwise as good a i could ever had hoped for. There are bigger implications to stay in it, betrayal trauma makes you feel your worth is 3mm high- even if you know the problem is nothing to do with you. I do know my worth and my value, and being deceived is not it!!! What do i think? its different this time, i don't feel alone, rather i'm looking around the world applauded. My best friend is having the same problem with her husband (only worse he has logins) My brother is doing it behind his wife's back - i'm looking around at all the relationships i know and i can find only 2 where they seem devoted to each other and happy. Everybody else either has porn issues, doesn't sleep with their partners, have affairs, even people i previously respected i find out by talking to people they are going to masseurs with 'happy' finishes behind their wives back ( the wives they have no idea - i feel so sad for them and me) or others are on sex contact sites. Porn is turning into an epidemic that is destroying lives, its bad if your in it, its bad if you watch it, and if you don't know the danger, it just hasn't destroyed you yet!! My OH is sorry, promised i'm never gonna see porn on his phone again ( yes we've all read that 10000's of times) Is going to a counsellor, the boundaries are down if it happens again we are done. Has monitoring on his phone, yes in my opinion he is a PA, ive seen the Jeckle and hyde! He admits to a problem but not completely accepting its an addiction (cause he didn't know it even existed) and is currently on day 47 reboot. ED is gone, he appears to have had no side effects from stopping. I'm going to a counsellor to try to get rid of PTSD symptoms, this not what i came into a relationship for. We are emotionally shattered! and both feel pretty disconnected from each other. Have i got more stuff to learn going forward? absolutely ! Its a bit defeatest but i feel like giving up, and being single for ever. i dont have a lot of hope of ever finding a single guy without a porn problem if he has a smart phone - is this even realistic? So for that reason alone at the moment we are still together hanging on a thread. Life sucks!!! Porn sucks more!! What happened to love?? Sorry its long guys, thanks for reading. Any advise much appreciated.