New relationship same sh*t

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Deleted Account, Mar 8, 2019.

  1. Hi guys
    Never been here before, but have been in the situation you guys are in about five years ago. This is gonna be a long thread hope you can stick with me.

    I was married to a good guy for 16 years porn was never an issue in our marriage, there where some dusty VHS in the back of a cupboard which nobody looked at. Porn never bothered me, it was no threat, never gave it any moral thought, never gave it any thought!! we divorced cause we wanted different things and we are still great friends today.

    Then in 2010 i met a guy and he seemed better than all the others i'd met. So thought i'd give it a go. Eventually moved in to my house together, life was good. Yet he didn't seem to cope with life too well, always stressed,depressed,headaches,crying. I was supportive for a while (had the wrong belief what in the right safe circumstances everybody heals and grows) Eventually said he needed to sort this out at the dr's - the relationship was i thought otherwise ok. The last 6 months i picked up something wasn't right - i was working hard to maintain myself esteem, but everytime i looked around to pin point the problem couldn't find one.
    Anyway my world literally blew apart in 2014. One night he didn't come home. Said he was at the hospital with a student (he was in charge of the social welfare of under 21yr olds including sex education and support). Turned out he was uncontactable by his employer and he was actually with a coworker who was a sex slave/addict. So that was it he'd been unfaithful we were finished.
    Then i thought i've missed something here, the relationship was good, we had a good sex life (other than him needing a blue pill). So i investigated him, then my world imploded. He had lied about everything from the first date. He was a SA of long standing CAM sex, prostitutes, sex clubs, hook ups, drugs (list not exhaustive). I was concerned given is job he was not the type of person i'd want looking after the welfare of kids. So wrote to his employer - he lost his job, me, his home.
    The effect on me was horrendous, having trust in yourself that you can read the world make good safe choices is fundamental to our well-being. I had PTSD, (from dday to gone from my life forever in 3 weeks is a massive shock) I was angry - even my vision was red, had anxiety, depression and it took 3 months to get back to work, even then life was hard for 2 years. It was a whole new world i had to get my head around.

    I couldn't face another relationship, didn't think i'd ever have sex again. But that wasn't my life plan, i wanted to love and be loved - to have companionship and touch and closeness to another human being.
    Deciding not to let this SA take my life away, i got on to educating myself about SA, healthy relationships, Red flags, what factors indicate a 'healthy' person, what factors did i need to change about me to prevent this happening again? This took another 2 years.
    Just over a year ago i joined Match just 1 guy from 1000's met my strict criteria. We dated, slowly and carefully, i asked questions on his past, checked he had healthy relationships in his life. No addictions, steady job, no financial problems, was a good dad, took responsibility in life, no childhood trauma, asked about porn use " not often, i find it boring " was the reply. However some red flags noted, some ED, he hadn't slept with his wife for 7 years and he was surprised at performance issues, said it was "his age", googled ED for answers, got supplements to fix it.
    I said i thought it might be related to porn - but it was dismissed. Apart from that we've had the BEST year ever, our lives have come together like a jigsaw, moved in together, my family love him, i love his kids, the dogs are best friends, he have loads in common, and we were both in love.
    Then December 2018 my mind became distracted, eventually my gut arrived at porn (always trust your gut instinct!)
    Checked his phone, sure enough CAM site! the sh*t hit the fan- back to PTSD i went, waking up with panic attacks, overwhelming fight or flight response. Eventually faced getting everything off his phone, actually it could have been worse nothing f*ucked up, 300ish pages in 2 years, nothing live, no cam sites (the original find was a pop up) just stills or women alone, no actual sex at all, but still objectification. Then came the explanation that it started 10 years ago after his exwife had an affair which she denied, he emotionally pulled out and stayed for his kids. Turned to PMO which obviously increased in frequency even if no escalation. Moving in with me must have been a shock to his addiction - but as the months have passed the behaviour was returning back to his old habits when i wasn't here.

    The last 6 weeks have been a living hell for both of us. We have come as close to splitting as you can get. I have told everybody - they all say give him a chance to stop and put it right ( they don't understand PA) he told his mother, and apologised to his ex wife.He is in emotional melt down. I still haven't arrived at a decision about our future its like being in a washing machine.

    How do i feel? i want out - he lied, trust disappeared, safety disappeared!Would i put up with alcoholism? drug addiction? gambling? NO!! so why consider porn less a threat? but the relationship was otherwise as good a i could ever had hoped for. There are bigger implications to stay in it, betrayal trauma makes you feel your worth is 3mm high- even if you know the problem is nothing to do with you. I do know my worth and my value, and being deceived is not it!!!

    What do i think? its different this time, i don't feel alone, rather i'm looking around the world applauded. My best friend is having the same problem with her husband (only worse he has logins) My brother is doing it behind his wife's back - i'm looking around at all the relationships i know and i can find only 2 where they seem devoted to each other and happy. Everybody else either has porn issues, doesn't sleep with their partners, have affairs, even people i previously respected i find out by talking to people they are going to masseurs with 'happy' finishes behind their wives back ( the wives they have no idea - i feel so sad for them and me) or others are on sex contact sites. Porn is turning into an epidemic that is destroying lives, its bad if your in it, its bad if you watch it, and if you don't know the danger, it just hasn't destroyed you yet!!

    My OH is sorry, promised i'm never gonna see porn on his phone again ( yes we've all read that 10000's of times) Is going to a counsellor, the boundaries are down if it happens again we are done. Has monitoring on his phone, yes in my opinion he is a PA, ive seen the Jeckle and hyde! He admits to a problem but not completely accepting its an addiction (cause he didn't know it even existed) and is currently on day 47 reboot. ED is gone, he appears to have had no side effects from stopping. I'm going to a counsellor to try to get rid of PTSD symptoms, this not what i came into a relationship for. We are emotionally shattered! and both feel pretty disconnected from each other.

    Have i got more stuff to learn going forward? absolutely ! Its a bit defeatest but i feel like giving up, and being single for ever. i dont have a lot of hope of ever finding a single guy without a porn problem if he has a smart phone - is this even realistic? So for that reason alone at the moment we are still together hanging on a thread. Life sucks!!! Porn sucks more!! What happened to love??

    Sorry its long guys, thanks for reading. Any advise much appreciated.
  2. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

    Yes. It is discouraging. I am contemplating divorce right now. I admit that the very idea of ever being in another relationship is disgusting to me right now, but I don't know if I will always be ready to live out the rest of my life alone. I am 56 years old. What are my chances of EVER finding a decent man to share my life with? Everything I read about dating sites tells me that men my age are all advertising for 35 year old women. So who am I going to appeal to? 80 year olds? I am very active, love sports and traveling. How do I do these things with an 80 year old? I know there are active ones, but still.... I guess at least an 80 year old might be less prone to PA? (sardonic laughter here) Yes. What happened to love? Did it ever really exist?
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2019
  3. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

    It hurts me to read about your terrible experience, I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm going through the same thing; met a guy a couple of years ago and we got off to an amazing start. He was funny, very attractive, sociable and nice. One day he turns to me and say; "you know I have this terrible addiction". Petrified, I listened while he continued on; "I just can't stop watching horror movies". I was so immensely relieved it wasn't anything worse, and we continued our walk in the nice spring weather. Then he said: "But my true passion is porn! I can watch it all day. Can't even get it up anymore, but I still watch".
    That of course explained his horrendous case of ED despite his young age, and our relationship soon fizzled out. That's also the point when I turned to the universe and said "I want a man like that, brave and beautiful, but without the porn".

    I met my husband, and he had everything I ever wanted and more. He confided in me that he wasn't a very sexual person and, unlike men his age, not interested in porn. We enjoyed a fantastic relationship for almost four years, until he started to act more and more strange. He never initiated sex, grew mean, indifferent, rude and depressed. Then in december 2018, just like in your case, I decided to find out what was wrong and found an enormous amount of porn.

    After that, my world fell apart. I developed chronic urticaria and high blood pressure caused by severe depression. I had to stop working and gave up school. I still struggle with nightmares.

    Then I found this site. It's a lot of women here that have gone through the same thing as you and me. But what has given me hope are all the men here, brave, good guys desperate to kick this addiction and become better fathers, husbands and partners. Real men, that knows there is so much more to life than sitting on incognito mode all day. Browse around in the forum, read their testimonials, their success stories, their wonderful devotion to the women in their lives. A conversation about the dangers of porn is out there and will just grow and become bigger. There is a lot of hope!

    I sincerely hope you see the light in the end of the tunnel. Make sure you heal, write, talk, vent as much as you can. We are here for you!
  4. So sorry this is your reality right now. I'm on the other side of the equation and have come to understand just how damaging it is to the SO.
    It can get better. It takes work, way more than he's probably able to understand right now. Fight for the guy you love in there. That guy can win this battle. I'm sorry, it probably won't be a straight and pure line to recovery. He may have a slip or relapse. I hope not but the reality is it is likely. That doesn't mean he's not trying or that he doesn't want to be free from this crap. That doesn't mean it hurts you any less either. Hopefully he is seeing a CSAT counselor. If not, that is what he needs to be working through. Check out the Patrick Carnes material fro SAs and SOs of sex addicts.
    It's up to you whether to hang in there or not. It's so painful and ugly. It can get better. My wife and I are rebuilding our relationship from the ground up and it is working. I wish the best for you and true recovery for him.
  5. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    I'm so sorry this happening to you. I've been married for over twenty years to a PA but only found out about it 3 years ago. We are working through it. But based on my personal experience, I can tell you with 100% surety that if something were to happen to him, I will absolutely never, ever live with anyone or get married again.
  6. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

    I really feel for you. My world was rocked about 6 months ago. My husband would creep online chatrooms pretendung to be a woman to talk to other women and girls. Immediately after discovery he was open to the recovery steps I requested. But just the other day he deleted the accountability software (which was essentially the only remaining recovery tool still in effect).

    He does a ton of minimizing, acting like I’m unreasonable for not regaining trust 100% after six months. And he is more concerned about his ego and being treated like an equal than he is concerned with regaining my trust or helping me feel secure. So I am detaching and giving serious thought to what life may be like single. Which is so sad since we have three small children and otherwise we get along really well.

    Porn is terrible. Those whole process has been incredibly enlightening at how truly damaging it is. Emotionally and physically. (He has ED issues too.)

    And yet now he says if he wants to search out something sexual online he should have freedom to do so without being controlled. And he still minimizes that what he was doing before wasn’t that bad.

    Yes contemplating what it would be like to be single indefinitely. I’m sure many men are comparable. It’s just pitiful and I don’t want to settle for this kind of relationship.

    So you aren’t alone. It’s a shitty boat to be in, but I’m in it with you.
  7. freeit

    freeit Fapstronaut

    So sorry to hear about this.
    Now you're in a very good place. Don't worry about your past. If you're interested, try to look at Karezza. This will help you to be in unity and not just looking for O.
    "The word “Karezza” comes from the Italian word “carezza,” meaning “caress.” The goal of Karezza, unlike most kinds of sexual intercourse, is not orgasm but reaching a relaxed state of union with your sexual partner."

    So give it a try. This will increase the love bonding between the couple and not a O driven S.
  8. Bogo Biggins

    Bogo Biggins Fapstronaut

    The reality is male society, not just individuals, is sex addicted.

    While there is biological programming at birth for men to seek out sex with multiple partners under certain conditions, our society - through porn and even sexual misinformation - allows men/boys especially to slip into a state of sex addiction without knowing it. This is not an excuse, it is just what is happening. The only way men can get away from this is to:
    1. Acknowledge they have a problem.
    2. Understand no one is going to help them, society is just plain wrong about so called 'sexual freedom': Porn is wrong, Ming is wrong (and actually the root of the problem physiologically).
    3. Then realise that, if they manage to escape the pmo vampire, they are living in a world where 99% of men are still running around as addicts. While not all use porn, these men are all Ming privately.

    When I look at the world, I fully accept that most people don't realise any of this. I am now in the 1% of adult men NOT using Ming as a form of relief from stress in life.

    If I was a woman looking for a partner, rather than trying to find a partner who was PM free, I would be looking for someone who could be PM free. Ladies, the reality is we need your help! I am a year clean (almost), and I plan on staying this way. Without the love of my wonderful wife I wouldn't be here. So I am not making excuses for the inexcusable, but you have to understand society is very sick, most men today are very sick, but you can help them IF they are prepared to accept and try to heal. However, it takes years to recover from pmo, I am certainly not there yet, but there is no way I am going back to that hell on Earth.

    Hope this helps. Good luck.
    Last edited: Mar 17, 2019
  9. Hi Susannah,
    I think disgust is a natural protective response - ie. our brains way of telling us to keep away from something that may be bad for us and make us ill. Back 6 years ago i had such a strong disgust response i would gag and sometimes vomit with just a single thought going through my head. Luckily it didnt last forever. Porn addiction has exploded, since the internet and particulary in the last 6-7 years since smart phones have arrived. We are all effected by it - eventually. Educating ourselves seems the only way forward.
    In respect of dating thats a hard learning curve going forward after already trying to deal with your husband. Yes avoid anybody wanting a woman significantly younger - the reason is obvious!! There are many other things to avoid too...perhaps thats a thread in itself!! Yes love does exist, but its not a common thing. Finding a man who has loved is a good starter. I also read the Ebook by Karen salmonson " Prince harming" .....its good knowledge to have going forward and its now a free download from her site. Good luck and grown strong!!!
    Professor Abraham and Susannah like this.

  10. Thank you Lilla. I am indeed growing and healing. And even have a little hope. There is always gain in the pain if you look for it. Yes some guys here are indeed an inspiration. Hope things improve for you too :)
    Professor Abraham likes this.
  11. Hi committed to one. Thanks for your reply i appreciate it. We have also restarted building my end, and its going much better than i could have imagined a couple of months ago. Yes he saw a CSAT but she turned out a bit unprofessional and crazy ( having recently split from her own SA). He's seeing my councellor now and doing really well. No slips or relapses yet....not looking forward to that, but using the time to try to educate myself to the big picture - still feels scary some days, but other days i feel quite positive and almost lucky! Best wishes to you and your wife. May we all grow stronger :)
  12. Hi Eyes open. Thanks for your comment and thanks for all your input into this site. Its difficult isnt it being aware of human needs but trying to get them met in the current climate comes with inherent dangers. Not at all sure what i'll do going forward after this either, guess time will tell. take care :)
    Susannah and Professor Abraham like this.
  13. Hi Vixen Thanks for your post. I've also read your thread and it is a shitty boat indeed. I'm just grateful things arent worse - they could of course be worse and i dont know hahaha!
    Interesting your otherhalf thinks he's being controlled - like an alcoholic requesting free access to booze, guess he has a lot to learn! despite his job. I'm sorry you have to think of children too that must be very tough. I wish you lots of strength and courage it does help knowing we are not alone.
    Professor Abraham likes this.
  14. Thanks Mr Tumnus. What you say is indeed true. I don't think its just men thou, there are plenty of women SA's. And society being as it is theres almost a " if you can't beat it you might as well join them" approach. Lets make everybody into shallow objects!! - i see it in women too. It makes me very sad i do wish society and people would wake up, i guess they are but it takes a very long time at a great cost. Think i've got a man who could be PMO free, he's certainly woken up and that as you say may well be as good as a woman can find in the current climate.
    Susannah and Professor Abraham like this.
  15. Bogo Biggins

    Bogo Biggins Fapstronaut

    Thanks @Taketime. It is worth telling your partner how good his life will become pmo free. Yes, he can then approach his relationship with you with total honesty and openness and trust. The basis of any loving relationship. But his life will improve in so many other ways too: he will feel great, have a positive outlook on life, and physiologically will start noticing improvements in fitness, thinking, just about everything. It is incredible.

    I feel better right now than at anytime in my adult life! Really being pmo free is a wonderful experience.
    Susannah and Deleted Account like this.
  16. So i've started a counter its just past the 100 days since this all kicked off in my life (again!) Some of those days have felt like a stinking hell, an absolute human torture spent hugging a pillow. BUT there has also been an amazing amount of progress made so thought an update was due.

    Right from the get go he admitted he had a 'problem' with porn, not aware of addiction or even that it could be addictive. He rushed back the day after DDAY and said he'd have to come off Whatsapp, FB and get rid of his phone, he joined Fortify. OMG!! i thought this isn't just an occasional "wank" there's something else going on here. He describes the days/weeks that followed this as a ATOMIC BOMB going off in his lap.

    I was quite rational for a couple of weeks then the magnitude hit me again and PTSD came back, anxiety, panic and lastly depression i felt so so sad, and bloomin angry, but tried to control it. Trying to get the truth out of him was painful - (pulling his teeth out would have been easier) its was just for pleasure he'd been doing it a long time ( but did it much less with me). He said he new he shouldn't but wanted his cake and eat it. It was just when i worked nights..not all nights, - well yes all nights actually! when i was away in iceland...3 nights - actually ok it was all nights. Still don't think i've got to the bottom of it - The worst sentence i got was if he wanted to look at porn he'd just tell me he was going into the bathroom for shit! ....I thought you've gotta be kidding me right?? You see my value as that?
    A woman to deceive and lie to? A kind strong attractive smart loving faithful woman who has given you everything and trusted you....and thats my value ??? I was in complete shock really....and only started to recover from in the last few weeks.
    Who was this knobhead who acted happy and loving for the last year?? do i even know him? those words still stick in my brain.

    How we've moved from this point to today i dont really know - I guess the answer is both making a commitment to solve the problem together and apart and wanting something better.

    So he booked in with a CSAT, on the 2nd session i had ended the relationship, put my house on the market, he had booked a van to move his stuff and viewed another house to buy. He told the CSAT we had ended she asked how that felt, " not very good and i didn't see it coming" he said. She went on to say how she'd split with her partner after finding he was using 2 prostitutes a week since they had been together, was in £60,000 debt and other personal disclosures. ***Lesson 1 - not all counsellors are good or professional - find one that works for you. That night he went to see his mum (85yrs) to ask if he could move in for a few weeks as we were splitting up. He ended up telling her about the porn, she said I love you son, if you've done wrong, sort yourself out and fight to get her back. So he did, he came back said he had run from conflict all his life, and he wasn't running anymore. He said he knows he has f*cked up and to please give him the chance to put it right. So i did, I took the house off the market and that night agreed to work together to get past this.

    It hasn't been easy!

    Steps taken ;
    1) Porn blocker on phone (spin browser)
    2) His phone syncs to mine.
    3) Safe search mode (no history can be deleted) and app changes blocked on ipad.
    4) Keylogger put on PC to record all searches. ** monitoring to stay on devices forever.
    5) Started to mentally struggle felt suicidal one morning at work - booked in with my counsellor and has attended every week since.
    6) Signed up to Fortify app (porn education/addiction app)
    7) Told his brother
    8) Told his children and my daughter 11, 14 and 23 - Porn no-longer hidden in the dark!
    9) Started reading - Your brain on porn.
    10) Started reading Love you - hate the porn.
    11) No phones in Bathroom -ever!
    12) Will never touch himself unless i'm present ( his boundary).
    13) Came off Fb, whatsapp, youtube.

    Counselling and conversations as a couple ;
    1) looking back at childhood, abuse at work when an apprentice, reaction to 1st wife having affair, and approach to relationships after that.
    2) looking at other life events that have caused pain - car crash, child in icu, death of father.
    3) looking at approach to / fear of conflict and people pleasing as a result.
    4) looking at emotions - naming them feeling them.
    5) looking at humans needs, connection intimacy, safety, attachments.
    6) Understanding porn addiction/porn/male culture.

    1)States has had no urges or thoughts of porn use (dunno if this is due to shock? not actually being actually addicted? (use was x2 daily +) or just a switch has flicked in his mind due to the pain of the experience ** states theses weeks have been the worst weeks of his life. ( thats good for him cause dealing with the last SA was the worst weeks of my life).
    2) Can't make the link between emotions and urge to use porn, but agrees that its soothing and has an anaesthetic effect when faced with lifes challenges.
    3) No PIED at all, delayed ejaculation improving, states sensations he's never felt before through his whole body.
    4) Asking for hugs cuddles and closeness every night.
    5) showing emotion - tearful about missing children/spreading his dads ashes
    6) no longer defensive - has turned it on it's head and now asks what can i learn here?
    7) states when he's feeling anxious during a conflict rather than hiding it.
    8) has started baking a lot of cakes! :)

    Lastly, APOLOGISES every time i'm anxious or upset ...." i'm sorry to bring you all this pain".... It doesnt fix it but it helps A LOT.
    I guess i trust him a bit, (we both have a lot to lose going forward) but i know the relapse rate is high. A proper relapse to using porn behind my back means we end, he knows this. A slip will mean i will leave for a week. But i'm hoping he'll be able to say he got the thought of using before it happens. I'm sure it isn't easy he's surrounded by porn at work, mags in the coffee room, calendars on the wall - its a fight against male culture as well as PMO.

    I'm at the point now where i need to make a leap of faith, i'm emotionally reconnecting, but want to stay disconnected at the same time for my safety....trying to split yourself in half is difficult.

    On the whole though i'm proud of him, proud of me for shifting PTSD and growing to cope with this again to understand it better ( i'm not there yet either), and i'm proud of us coming together to get over one of lifes toughest challenges for couples. Hopefully its the start of success and something positive to share with you all. I'm almost worried it's going too well.... I do hope not! :)
    Last edited by a moderator: May 9, 2019
  17. Nice work! And a lot of it.

    It may be something to consider a 12 step program, if near by?

    SA, SAA for face to face support?

    I found this really helpful.
  18. I just googled it, there is an S.A. meeting in the local city at a church ( neither of us are religious in fact - anti, so not sure how that would sit with him) Think there's a 'problem relationship group' in another city.

    At the moment he's doing person centred counselling - ie. looking at all aspects of his life and finding better ways to cope.

    Don't know whether he would find a group helpful too but I'll let him know.

    As a side note. I would find it difficult. Having previously had an S.A. in my life with an horrific history. I vowed never to go there again.

    I realise it's a spectrum disorder - and I am kinda here again. But it's way down the other end of the spectrum this time.
    I've seen exactly what he's look at in the last 2 years - watched bits of it and there is no escalation. Equally don't think there's ever been any sexually acting out with others (to the best of my conclusions, no logins, no money spent, slept with 8 women in his life).
    So what im saying is to move forward i have have to accept what has been and why - i get it.....i wish he was some perfect human, but he's not and nor am I.
    Haven't had a P.A before or someone who's working damn hard not to be. So i can work with someone who wants to work toward something a world where most people don't.

    Anything worse it would be a NO! I've compartmentalised it in my brain to cope... A sex addict = sociopath= danger= run fast ( to me). A porn addict = normal person = bad choices= some choose to grow and make better choices. That I can work with.

    Porn has touched everybody's lives, sex clubs, prostitutes, affairs do not, that's a much lower percentage.

    I just wish meetings were called Porn support would freak me out less!

    Anyway the good thing about freaking out is - I face it, accept it and grow myself - and that is a damn good thing!
    Thanks Trappist.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 3, 2019
  19. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    This list is amazing.
  20. djdcgc4

    djdcgc4 Fapstronaut

    Thanks for sharing your story! I just confirmed yesterday my SO is using porn. I feel broken In so many ways but I’m still hopeful thanks to this community! Hang in there!

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