New Start

Like many many people on here i'm sure, I am back at day one, week one of my rebooting process.

I have been successful in the past, doing nearly 90 days, and more recently a couple of months, but both times, once I relapsed, the guilt and shame hit me hard, and I found it hard to get back on. Over Christmas, I've had a massive relapse, due to having too much free time, an injury that bound me to my bed, and Covid restrictions limiting my social interactions, and I've been in that dark place for a few weeks.

I have reached my emotional limit, and I must take back control now before it spirals our of control.

I have learnt a lot of lessons from previous attempts; the importance of routines, exercise, meditation, cold showers, clear goals, etc. but I feel in previous attempts I didn't do enough to be open with other people about my journey. So this time, I am going to try and be more active on here, hopefully posting daily and supporting other people, as well as finding a therapist.

Anyway, wish me luck, It's my birthday coming up and I turn 29, I'm determined to make this the last year I waste on PMO.

Cheers!

 

Cheers bro! Yeah christmas and new year is always the same for me. As much as i hate to think it, i need routines in my life. Thanks for the support, good luck on your journey as well! we're all here for you!

 

Thanks guys! Day three, feel good again already! Fortunately, because I had formed good habits before my last relapse, it has allowed me to fall back into a productive rhythm quite naturally. I guess a relapse isn't a total reset, even if it was a binge!

 

another day! feeling good. Just read some interesting articles about recovery and the choice to focus on positive life developments, rather than the PMO cycle and the number of days on it/off it, in order to recover and not simply abstain. I really relate to that, and I'm going to try and do more to make clear what my life goals are outside of being free from PMO or addiction.

 

Cheers man! Yeah, after getting so defeated about a slip up last time, I'm trying to make focus shifts in all areas, not just PMO because otherwise, my entire success is dependent of my control of sexual desire, which I know I can't trust. haha

 

New day!
rather than focusing on PMO so much - in fact, I'm getting a little tired of reading all the same stuff about rebooting, exercise, eat healthily, self-talk which I already do and have still lead to relapses in the past - I am trying to dedicate some time every day to reading up on the biology and psychology of addiction, so I can get a better grip on what I am actually working against. I'm sure everyone knows, but Your Brain On Porn is a phenomenal website, I can't get over the depth and accessibility of all the research on there. Really recommend, everyone should be made to read it and understand it, because the consequences are far-reaching beyond PMO, and extremely relevant to all form of media and tech use.
This was an article I enjoyed!
https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/too...-your-brain-sensitization-and-hypofrontality/

I think the conclusion to all of this is David Goggins philosophy that the brain has a tactical advantage (and apparently a biological arsenal) and its aim is to get you to avoid pain and enjoy pleasure, at all cost. And the only way to overcome the tactical advantage of a brain that knows how you think, can manipulate your thought process, and has control over the neurochemical reward circuits is to suffer, to put your body through constant shock and pain and surprise, and to dig deeper every time, so your brain and body are forced to adapt to survive. I'm not saying we need to be ultra-athletes or navy seals, but we have to harden our minds, so we are able to make better choices, easier.
“You have to build calluses on your brain just like how you build calluses on your hands. Callus your mind through pain and suffering.”
The studies on YBOP have really made me see his point and also Universal Mans point, that this is a fucking war. I have caused the war and the brain knows how I fight, so all I can do is make massive changes to my tactics, and get ready for a fucking battle.

Anyway, I'm gonna carry on reading up on YBOP, and see what more I learn today!

if you haven't read Goggins book btw. Fuck man. what a trip. definitely recommend it. life-changing

 

Morninnn. Good week so far. Really getting into reading up on PMO addiction and the science behind it, Its a superrrrrr long article which is a bit to scientific at times, but anyone interested should check this out https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5039517/. It's the biggest summary I've seen of all the scientific data supporting PMO addiction, and it's mind-boggling. And the paper reference at the end is so comprehensive. It's also fun just to read stuff about PMO which is devoid of emotion. Anyway, gonna crack on with a little more study of it today. Keep moving!

 

Howdy.
So not an ideal start to the morning. Called things off with a girl I've been seeing for a while. It's never nice having that chat with someone, especially after just being intimate. I'd like to think for once this wasn't a result of PMO induced desensitization, we just don't really meet on a practical day to day level and we want different futures. The intimacy side has been great, and a real lifeline over the past 4-5 months working through this stuff. But part of this process is learning it's not all about physical contact with someone, and the fact I mainly didn't want to end it because I was bothered about losing physical contact, cemented my decision that this wasn't a healthy relationship anymore.

Anyway, turns out as soon as I left her apartment, I realised what I was really worried about was the immediate surge of hypersexualised feelings and being alone with them. A mixture of "shit you're free and single, go and get some" and "you're never going to have sex again". And both feelings were met with the same idea, download dating apps.
To me, dating apps are probably my biggest downfall. The whole constant novelty of new hot girls, mixed with the immediate and delayed gratifications of matching with someone, plus the real world fantasies of actually sleeping with these girls, realllllllly triggers me. And it doesn't help the fact that I have actually met a lot of amazing girls from them, so in the back of mind I'm thinking, see they do work! In the end though, what usually happens is they trigger me so much, that I just relapse on all other areas of my life, PMO, internet surfing, social media, lounging around, that I become a mess. And then my head gets so messed and I feel so shit about myself, that I can't even bring myself to meet up with these girls.
But once I bounce back, start exercising, being productive, feeling good about myself, like now, I forget that mess state, and think, hey let's just download one dating app and see if we can 'meet one nice girl, to connect emotionally with'.... maaaan, that god damn demon is sneaky.

anyyyyyway, my point is, my desire to download a dating app is strong right now, and I imagine will be stronger in the weeks to come. But I have to truly acknowledge that it may be a way of meeting girls, but its the reason my life is a mess and I'm still fighting with this addiction today. So I am committed to not downloading it and dealing with my emotions healthily and have faith that something better will come along, just as long as I stay strong, and build a better life, without any artificial temptations.

That's my life story of the day. hope you're all well.

 

So last night felt like the end/beginning of things. I got my stuff back from that girl, it was a Sunday, i turn 29 this week, i got to the last page of my diary, i just felt emotionally like it was the start/end of lot of things. SO, I decided to do a purge, I cleaned my place, and emptied all the draws, and just threw away stuff I didn't need anymore. I found all my old diaries, ones from the last 10 years, and I decided to read them all, spent about 6 hours going through them, and in the end, I just couldn't get over how I've repeated the same pattern again and again, and I could see how PMO has got worse, and it's effects on my life, and I decided I couldn't carry on like this anymore, I can't have these diaries around, they represent a life i don't want. it's a new start. So i made a big pile of these diaries and I burnt them all. I needed a symbol that I am moving on. and so I decided, no longer will I complain about what I haven't got, or how hard things are, like In these diary. But my focus is entirely on what I'm doing well, how I can do it better, and the direction I am going in. I'm not saying I will never have bad days or slip-ups. But I've lived my life in the same way for the last 10 years, and it's got me nowhere. Whereas the last few months, starting new habits and giving up PMO has been totally transformational. SO that's what I'm sticking to for now!

 

So since Sunday, I've really started to focus more on bringing good energy to myself. Makes such a difference to even the most basic interactions. I know I relapsed over Christmas, but the progress I've made over the last year means it's much easier for me to come back to focused/enjoyable state. Committed to changing my attitude to obligations and undesirable situations so I don't feel like I'm being manipulated by life, but I have control or my state at least. Keep it up everyone

 

Shiiitt, my profile changed to 29. I guess there's no going back. Anyway, birthday today, feeling wonderful. People talk about gratitude, but when you're under the cloud of nofap, you really don't relate to that feeling. So glad to be feeling clean because i can be genuine with my appreciation for friends and family this morning. 29 is going to be a totally different year for me. i can already feel it. As goggins would say, it's time to get hard mutherfuckers

 

Thank you my friend

 

Beautiful sunny morning, went for a nice run. Must admit I was up late as I had been birthday drinking last night. Made extra sure I went through my morning routine, because tiredness and hangovers are dangerous places for feeling emotional, and my routine gets me back to being grounded. Been having very very explicit dreams, and a lot of surges of energy In the past, I probably would of put this down to high libido, or sexual frustration, or even just natural urges. But as I've been reading up so much on the withdrawal phase, I now see it as just a bit sad that I've managed to condition my brain to behave like this, and it only acts of motivation to get myself clean from all this stuff. Anyway, each day is a new day, and despite the lockdown, trying my best to make plans I'll look forward too!

 

YO! Just had the funniest birthday party in years. Even though we're in lockdown, my housemates and i decided to make it a big one, and there was dressing up, and boozing and food and dancing and whatever else fun. And I know this only happened because last week I committed myself to trying to be a better friend, and as a result, we chatted more, had more fun, and formulated this plan. There is no way in hell, I would of been motivated or interested in doing all we did had I been under the cloud of PMO. I feel like I'm just starting to realise how much of the last five years I've lost to this, and it's tragic. BUT at least I've realised, and the next five years don't have to be the same.

Have a mild hangover and very tired, plus I reactivated Instagram to upload last nights photos (They're just too good not to share) which I know puts me in a very vulnerable position. So I'm writing this to remind myself how vigilant I have to be of ingrained impulses kicking in, and not falling for them. Gonna take extra measure for turning off data tonight etc.