New Start

been off here for a couple of days. I'd like to say I was too busy, but I could of easily found the time. The truth is I don't want to write on here at the moment, because I feel a fraud. I know by having these dating apps, I'm really in a state of relapse, even though I haven't even slightly PMO'd nor done anything remotely relapse. To quote Gary Wilson in YBOP.

The fact is, the brain's reward centre doesn't know what porn is. It only registers the levels of stimulation through dopamine and opioid spikes. The mysterious interaction between the individual viewer's brain and the chosen stimuli determines whether or not a viewer slips into addiction.

I am lying to myself that using these dating apps is not equal to PMO, because my behaviour on them is still addictive. I can feel myself craving it, it keeps me up all night, it distracts me, I fantasise about the possibilities, it's making me less social and less productive and yet I continue. Such clear and obvious signs I need to stop. AND YET I CAN'T.

There's a huge part of me that is saying, "I don't give a fuck about all that. You got it to meet people and it takes time. Give it time and be patient". I've already organised two exciting dates from it, despite both already rescheduling on me (which is another thing that's bothering me, becoming attached to flaky people i don't fucking know) And it's still going to be another 6 weeks before we're allowed back out the house. So getting rid of them now is resigning to the idea of another 6 weeks of limited social interaction. Which I am fighting with so much, even though I know it's the best for me and my recovery.

I keep telling myself, okay tonight is the last night. And then I get a match, or I say, hey you only looked at it for an hour today, that's fine you're living without it. The fact that I'm also no PMO, still working out, still doing my routine is making me feel like I'm okay with them. and to add to it, I'm telling myself it's okay because what I'm really hooked on is trying to meet people, which is cool because that's real life. But I'm really choosing to ignore the fact I was first and foremost a sex addict, and PMO was an extension of that. Even if I meet these girls, I'm not coming at it from an authentic, objective free, non-judgemental place. I'm doing it to get laid with a beautiful girl. and I know where that roads leads. Nowhere.

So I'm torn. I feel I've relapsed without relapsing. I feel like I've become really aware of how much this problem extends beyond PMO. And yet I am not yet willing to do anything about it for the moment. So I can only keep doing what I'm doing which is to keep them deleted off my phone and download them for short intervals throughout the day. It does nothing to dampen the pull of anticipation and craving, but at least it keeps me in the world doing things.

I don't know where I'm going with these guys. I apologise if it's not what you wanted to read. but I'll keep you all in the loop.

 

Shit. Day 55, relapse. Sorry boys.

There's a lyric from Sage Francis which has ironically stuck in my head the last few days,

If you snoop around long enough
For something in particular you're guaranteed to find it
For better or worse that's how I learned
That it's best to just keep some things private

And I got what I was looking for. Met a girl on one of the dating apps last night who was lovely, and beautiful, but clearly highly sexual motivated. And we got chatting, then sexting, then phone called and things escalated and we were video sexting etc and I just got so caught up in it I ended up blowing my load. At the time, obviously, I knew where it was going to lead, but I tip my hat to any man who can tell a girl to stop sending nudes because it'll affect their reboot. I just couldn't. But I'm not a victim, there's only one reason it got to that stage. Because i was chasing it.

Now I justified it by saying at least it was an honest sexual interaction with another person, but unfortunately, she was sending me material which I then had access to and a craving for the next morning and relapsed again. or should I say afternoon, because we stayed up till 6-fucking-am.

For better or worse, I then impulsively deleted every dating / social / language app off my phone, without explaining myself to any of my connections or getting numbers, which was a bit cruel and harsh, to both them and me. Meaning in the end, the whole of the last week or so has been nothing but a fucking lesson in how to relapse. meh, I'll take it. Because I clearly can't function on these apps.

anyway, the only thing I haven't resolved, is this girl has my number. And she knows what I like... SO either I ghost her. or I explain to her. neither of which is a pretty picture.

Anyway. Back to day 1, week one. life goes on. As I say to others, this time last year, I'd have taken a 55-day clean streak and a 1-day relapse for my right arm. So it's all progress.

To quote Francis again

When you think you've got it all figured out and then your universe collapses
Trust me kid it's not the end of the world

 

Ugh. I hate seeing 0 days. haha ohhhh well, I have to embrace it.

Worked hard yesterday, up early at it today, made lots of plans for the weekend and the future. I thought getting rid of the dating apps would mean less socialising. and I've already made more plans than I did all last week.

The good news is how easy it is to get back into the rhythm. I mean, it should be, I had a one day slip, it's not like I fell off the edge of the world. And I also realised that in the last year, I've probably spent a good 250 days completely nofap free, hardcore mode, which is fucking great. And if I can improve on that this year, things are looking up.

Even though I was happy with the last couple of months, I don't think I achieved half as much as I would have liked. SO it's time to double down on that, starting today,

 

Getting up early is so important and beneficial.

 

Cheers bro!

Usually the first few weeks are fine for me. It's once i start to get bored things crumble! Good luck to you man!

 

Back out to a vague normality yesterday. Went to town with a friend, wandered around, met old friends, boozed in the sunshine, lots of people milling around it was nice. The worrying thing is how prepared I need to be for that to become the norm again. There were endllllesssss streams of beautiful girls walking around, and so much discussions of the future, and plans, and holidays and parties, and events. And i want all this stuff i really do, but I don't know how it's going to be having all these temptations and triggers and emotional cues and stresses and impulses back in my life.
Avoiding porn is for sure not going to be my guiding light through all this. I feel i need something bigger, a north star if you will, to keep me on track and pull me forward. A calling, a purpose, a dream.

 

Goddammit, it happened again..

Obviously, I didn't deal with that girl who has my number, and we ended up sexting again and I got carried away. Relapse.

The thing about sexting and nudes is before it happens you think it's exactly what you want and a "genuine" sexual experience. But when it happens you quickly desensatise to it, and want more control/excitement which you obviously cant impose on a real human, and it just becomes a gateway into porn. Then my brain can't separate between the human connection and trust aspect of sexting and just looking at porn. So even though I like this girl, I just end up objectifying her and she just becomes another erotic pixel.

Anyway, I just gave up on my day after that yesterday. I couldn't even be bothered to think about rebooting. I needed a day to wallow a bit.

Feeling a little lethargic now, but all good.

I've learnt quite a lot from these last two relapses. And I'm happy to know that it isn't strategic failures. my routine, and steps for keeping clean work ideally. In fact, it's highlighted that my cravings are quite different from what I thought. And what I really end up chasing is real-life sexual interactions. Surprisingly, I have no real cravings to watch porn, or go on social media, or watch tv, or play games. These days, I'd be quite happy without all this stuff.

But I do get a massive kick if I think something will allow me to meet women. and I put so much thought and energy into meeting women. This is another addiction in itself and completely absurd in a pandemic. I have to address it and have better strategies in place to deal with this. Maybe I need to speak to someone about that...

ah well. day 1 week 1. let's go agian.

 

mood follows action.

So i'm keeping busy!

 

Been busy lately, back in work this week, and been trying to knuckle down on some side projects. Slightly dishearted at the moment. It's coming up to a year at since i decided to take nofap seriously, and it's hard to remember the 250+ days of that year which were clean, and super focused and motivated, and instead I'm stuck in the mindset of, well it was only 8 days ago you relapsed, I guess nothing has changed.
Of course, that's not a healthy mindset, and I get that its just a perspective. But it feels a little like I haven't got anything to show from the last year, because the reality is, it's still a problem.

What is good news, is i have clearly had a big motivational shift. my mind doesn't work in the same way. I was up at 6am yesterday to exercise before work, got home at 7pm, did another workout, and then turned down playing video games with friends to do work, because i genuinely preferred to do it. That is a wilddddd shift from a year ago. It's a shame that's not something tangible I can hold up and show.

 

SHIT! over three weeks since i last wrote here.

Well a lot and a little has been going on. I think I just finally caved with the pandemic. The idea of still having 2 more months of restrictions got to me. And i decided to just give up to all and any desires. So it's been a few weeks of women, booze, porn, fast food, and laziness. There have been some really fun days, and really poop days. But ultimately, the biggest loss has been the loss of time. I've regressed and I'm aware of how much work it will take to get back to the place I was. I almost can't remember who I was two months ago, or what I was striving for.

Fortunately, I have a great routine for getting out of a slump. And now I feel like I've self wallowed enough, and restrictions are coming to an end, so I'm getting back on the horse.

life goes on ey chaps!

 

Soooo, no explanation needed. Fell off the wagon, went AWOL. now I'm back.
re-wiring my brain to not crave social media, and dating apps is my number one priority. So that means doing the things I don't necessarily love. Like keeping up with this!

 

Shit. just been reading through my old entries. i feel a mixture of pride and shame. Pride in the sense that I forgot how diligent and how focused I was during the pandemic. Reading those back I feel like my brain was working on another level. I genuinely feel stupider than when I was writing those a few months ago. And so I should, I was reading and writing for like 8hours each day. and now Im back to my old working habits, and i just have put all this personal growth stuff to the side for like 2 months, and I'm so sad and regretful i have. I can't help thinking where i would be right now if i continued on the path.
anyway, this is where i am today. I'm fully back into the swing of my routine. I know deep down that emotional and mental shifts don't kick in till after the 40-day mark, and there's no way of fast-tracking this process, so time to knuckle down and get on with things. Organised my first therapy session for next week. so at least that is a new positive step!

 

ahhhh i wish i could express to myself when I'm in the depth of a relapse how much better life is when you're living clean and focused. I guess it's just hard to hear the message. I'm not even particularly focused on Nofap, just have a very clear 'no' policy to anything remotely time-wasting, and trying to be productive. The changes are so fast and noticeable. In 11 days back into it, i've got so much work done, job applications, set fitness PBs, been on amazing wild swimming adventures, went on a crazy night out and met girls who invited me back, organised a BBQ had all my mates round and loads more. And that's just from 11 days of keeping off my phone and keeping productive. I must keep this up, it's so vital for a happy and fulfilling life.

 

Cheers for the love bro! good luck to you too!

 

Hey dude I feel you!

here you go man. I actually wrote a pretty comprehensive blog about my routine and getting back on the horse that might help you out, and maybe what you're looking for. let me know!

https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?t...o-get-you-out-of-a-slump.306967/#post-3067826