New, still love & ↓ self esteem

Hello everyone.

I've been together with my husband since 1998 and Married since 2000. I moved out the day after I graduated High School, and three days later met my husband online. I was doing a local search for people in hopes of meeting someone. He was handsome, sweet, kind, loving, considerate and cared about me. I always wanted someone to just care about me, love me, and want me. He was suppose to be my knight, my king, to fix me from the life I had grown up with. I had struggled all my life with low-no self esteem, left to be raised by my narcissistic mother who amplified my depressive self hate after my parents got divorced. My dad had met another woman after he couldn't deal with my mother's verbal, and financial abuses. She found out and kicked him out. They got divorced and I struggled for years. When I became a mom, husband and I had made an agreement that we would never put our kids through that and knew that communication and honesty was the only way that would happen... well (I'm here now so clearly one of us wasn't.)

My husband had actually been caught watching P back in 1999 not sure if he had M&O with them though. We had a 3 day fight where I wanted him to leave and move out of our apartment. We dealt with the P issue and he promised he'd never do it again. I believed him. That beautiful smile he had, those trusting eyes. I had no reason to think otherwise. Then in July of 2001, a month before I was to give birth to our first child I found in his email more pics of P, calendar girls. We fought for a week this time about it. "I'm having your child, and you promised me 2 years ago you'd never do this again." He apologized, and promised me that he would never do it again. I at the time in love with him still, also knew I was fat, pregnant and no one else was going to want that. I can see the AD now: 'A fat pregnant lady, in search of a new partner???' So after the week of fighting, I decided that I loved him still and if he really loved me he wouldn't do it again and i convinced myself yet again that he would keep his promise.. We had our son, and went on to have another pregnancy in 04' which was twins. My husband was in school and working, and I staying home with the kids. I got sick with an auto-immune disease in late 2004, and he was always by my side, again no reason to doubt his faithfulness again.

Jump 16 years forward to October 7th, 2017. I found Swimsuit model videos on our satellite app. I questioned him about it. He lied 4 times. He first said a friend had his phone. Then he said he and his friend found it. Then he said He found it and showed his friend and then the truth. That he had found it, showed his friend, and continued to watch more at different times himself. I was hurt. He promised he hadn't done anything else. He spoke to an addiction therapist who he lied to, along with me. He promised no other instances of semi-P. Fast forward to October 25th. Two days after a magical, loving and wonderful love-making make up. Where I wispered to him never to lie to me again, and asking him if there was anything else. He would respond back. I promised and nothing else. On Oct 25th, I had a feeling something wasn't right. While he slept I checked his phone. I checked YT this time. Up shows his history and he had searched for P. I was furious. I thought bikini models were bad. He had actually looked up P on youtube! I then checked every social media account and app he had. He had a thing called periscope and that's where I lost it completely. I woke him up, asked him about youtube and he finally admitted to it, and the periscope too. The periscope broke me the most. Its' a social media networking tool to see other's feeds (like FB live). He had searched looking for people to watch that would possibly be doing something naughty, or M. He never did find any, so he says. It was a few days later or maybe that day, when he finally admitted that he had done more. He had watched P. A specific site even, and on average 1-2 times a week for the past 19yrs with a few years hiatus off and on. OUR ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP, MARRIAGE!!!...... Everything, lies, infidelity, and I had thought I had a low libido? No, I wasn't feeling loved apparently. My body realized it wasn't getting the intimacy it needed or craved so it shut down.

I've since lost a lot of weight, almost 200lbs and grown up 16+ years and now struggling emotionally with my entire past. The put downs from my mother of my looks and weight has definitely scarred me and held me down about my esteem. This infidelity from my husband has practically cement blocked my lack of esteem to the depths of the ocean. I love him, and am in love with him, but don't love myself. I know he's a good man, and cares about me, but the battling from his P & S addiction is proving more difficult that I know how to handle. (Edited to add: He has told me my low self esteem and negativity on myself has been a PMO trigger for him)

He's trying hard, tried hard, and has done really well. He gets about 3-4 days before he starts getting comfortable and settles back into some old habits. At this point He needs to have new habits. Be vigilant to himself and stay on track. He need at this point to be soft to me, on his toes and gentle in his decisions. To include me in everything, COMMUNICATE everything, be honest with me and earn my trust back. He does for the most part, but then again gets comfortable and goes back to some of his old ways. We can't and wont be going back to those old ways. I have to mother him a lot to get him to do things or remind him to get actions done.

He's not the man I married 17years ago. He's not who I thought he was. He basically has lied our entire relationship about who he is and what he does. If we are going to work we have to start over and as who we are going to be from now on and not with old habits. Yet, those habits are hard to get rid of for him. He IS going to therapy. He's seen an addiction life coach, Psychiatrist, and Psychologist. He's been diagnosed with Depression and P & S addiction. He does post here at nofap, and has contacted a Licensed Mental health counselor whom he'll see next week. He is trying... It's me that want's 110% vs the 50% I had been given over the past 19yrs. I want to believe him again someday, I want to believe his promises this time are real, and that with all these tools, and support he may succeed.
They say it's not about me....... But..... it is!!! I don't look like a P star, and I am not beautiful like them. I wasn't who he'd go to for intimacy. I sat on a couch in the other room every time he was doing the P &M unknowing to what was happening. I was honest with him about everything in life, and communicated everything to him as well. Yet here i sit here typing, upset, sad, lonely. I overcome the sadness a little, and those 'little things' pull me back down reminding me I'm not even 100% worth trying the hardest for.

What do I need to do to fix me? What do I need to do to help me learn to like the person I feel he never really loved. I think he had love for me, but didn't LOVE me. If you love someone you- Communicate to them, tell them the truth, be loyal to them, show respect. I didn't get that!!! I do however love him, and have always been in love with him. Grateful for the love he did show for me. Supporting me, taking care of me and gave me three beautiful and wonderful children.
What do I need to do to make me feel better about myself. I care about everyone else before myself. So how do I make me a priority? How do I get this relationship to work on my side? I am so afraid, an heartbroken and feel lost. I do see a Psychiatrist and therapist and we are working on affirmations, and self building tools. It ultimately has come down to I wanted the love, respect and attraction from my husband. It took him 19years to see he had me and finally wanted me? How do I know he really does love me, respect me and feel attracted to me? Is it all lies again? Is he just needing to fill his S addiction and knows it comes from being intimate with me if he's got to reboot?
I wish this never had happened, or if he was going to continue that he would have talked to me.

Thank you all for reading! Sorry for any typos' and grammar issues.
-M-