New; Time to master PMO

Good morning/afternoon/evening fapstronauts:

This is my story and I want to share it with all of you. Thank you.

I am 26 years of age, married, and I have been struggling with PMO for the past 15 to 16 years.

I believe it’s best to go back to all of the times I was exposed to pornographic and/or erotic content in order to trace how PMO got in.

The first instance of exposure started when I was about 5 years of age. I was in my brother’s (a teenager at the time) bedroom and I was playing around when I noticed something under his pillow; it was a picture of a woman in a really scantily clad bikini. I didn’t really think anything of it except that I liked it.

Fast forward 4 to 5 years later (I was 9 or 10 years of age) and this was when my exposure to actual porn began. My brother and I started sharing a room. He had these manila folders that were always tucked away under the TV stand. I got curious one day and so I decided to take a peak. More pictures of women; however, this time they were all nude models. I started looking around our room for more secrets and I found a couple of porno DVDs. One day, when everybody was gone at the house, I decided to watch them. I watched them just to get entertained by them and I did not MO only P.

One summer, when I was around 10 to 11 years of age, I started hanging out with some of my friends and we were talking about sex and girls. We went to “Friend 1’s” house and that’s when PMO really started. “Friend 1” had nude pictures of women under his bed and he was eager to share them with us. “Friend 1” was also eager to share with us his collection of pornos that he’d downloaded to his computer as well as what porn sites to use; the thrill was exhilarating. This went on every visit.

I never hung out with those friends again but I continued to PMO at my parent’s house.

This was the TRUE moment PMO set up camp and I’ve been dealing with it ever since. I have gone weeks, months, and/or years without PMO but somehow I relapse.

I am married and my wife knew about my porn problems prior to us getting married but even during our dating, I NEVER watched porn once. We got married and almost 1 year of marriage goes by and my wife visited out-of-state family for about 2 weeks. Up until her departure, we were fighting and having marriage problems constantly.

While she was away, I started playing roulette with the image search and began plugging in words that “could” show something explicit or erotic. Well, it happened and I started PMO while she was away.

One day on her trip, she asked me if I watched porn. I told her, “Yes.” I value truth and honesty in our relationship and so I figured that it’d be for the best.

What happened next, I could NOT believe. My wife and I start fighting on the phone and I asked her, “Are you going to tell anyone else or keep it between you and I?” She said, “I can tell WHOEVER I want because YOU are the one watched PORN!”

My wife did exactly that and told her mother. My wife felt that her mom could be someone who she could relate with on this subject because my wife’s mom had been cheated on. My wife also said that she was going to tell my friend’s wife when she got back. This was EXTREMELY embarrassing for me. I called my friend and told him what had happened and his response was, “Oh man, if I did that, [FRIEND’S WIFE] would be so hurt… I don’t even know what she’d do.”

I felt like I had nowhere to run to.

(SIDE NOTE:
What’s even more embarrassing is that I’m almost positive my wife’s whole family knows because one day, her mom was talking to me OPENLY in their living room about trust and how my wife couldn’t trust me, hinting at porn, during this time period in our lives.)

My wife returns and I tell her that I’d NEVER do it again and it takes her time to forgive me but she eventually does.

About 2 or 3 months goes by and I PMO and I keep on PMO every 1 to 3 months after that.

CURRENT SITUATION:
My wife asks me off and on if I have watched porn and/or have been tempted to watch porn and I lie and answer, “No.” I do NOT want to lie BUT my wife has told me that our relationship is really strong, probably the strongest it has ever been and it keeps on flourishing; this is true and I love our relationship. She said that if I DID watch porn, it would really hurt her.

I do not tell her the truth, even though I want to, because I feel like we’d be starting over and it’d do more harm than good.

Right now, my wife is visiting out-of-state family and I have PMO during her absence. My wife DOES send me pictures for me to MO to but… I personally do not feel like it’s helpful because it’s the same thing as porn but instead, it’s my wife that I MO to. My wife has asked me if I have watched porn and I still lie and tell her, “No.”

I want to come to a place in our relationship where I can be totally and completely open and honest.

Today, 2/10/2019, I created a NOFAP account and today is the first day to mastering PMO!

I also created an account with the intent and purpose of being totally and completely open and honest with all of you.

Thank you for reading. If any you have similar experiences or any advice, please share!

-Shallwebegin

 

Thank you, that was helpful!

 

What's the best way to tell your spouse? I'm getting to the point to where I don't want to hide it anymore.

 

This is truly helpful for me:

"NamaClature14 said: ↑
Quick reality check
- Your smashing your dick in your hand, staring at a woman who doesn’t know you exist, through a screen.
- Your basically virtually cuckolding yourself as you watch another guy have sex with a woman you want. Who doesn’t know you exist.
- Theres close to zero real pleasure going on. The woman is extremely good at faking it and making other men think she actually likes it. The positions the angles, the idiotic thrusting. It’s fake man.
- There’s zero chance you’ll feel better afterword
- There isn’t anything new under the sun. Yes that’s right. When you stop fantasizing about it. You literally have seen this hundreds if not thousands of times before.
-That body your obsessing over, behind that body is a person. A soul. An actual human behind the lumps of meat that has accumulated into her body.
-She’s selling her body for money. She’s a digital prostitute. She isn’t there cause she likes it. She’s there because it pays & she wants to be famous. Period. She isn’t into it or you and there are dozens of people in that room while that scene was filmed. There’s and lights-camera-action. Then a pause to touch up, find a new position that is orchestrated, annnd action.

Break the illusion buddy. It’s all meant to reel you into the fantasy. It’s all made up."