Well, I suppose I should make some sort of post in order to put myself out there in hopes of finding friends who share the same struggles and/or need someone to talk to and hold them accountable. I started self pleasuring at the age of 17. I had told myself it was wrong for years and had felt too guilty to do anything. It became a habit where I would to it twice a day, go online and video strangers and even ended up sending nudes. I was the girl in middle school and Highschool who spoke highly of purity and abstinence and how love was the only reason for sexual intercourse. How different did my walk turn from my talk. I had always wanted to find unconditional love ever since I felt a lack of it growing up. My longing created my downfall into searching the wrong way in wrong places. I lost my virginity to a stranger in hopes of feeling something and getting over the pain, I joined every dating site and always had sex on the first date. I ended up feeling weak and unable to say “no” in situations where I wasn’t comfortable. I turned myself onto autopilot as a coping mechanism and let myself become numb. Then I found the love of my life. When I found “the love of my life” and he left me after 3 1/2 years, I fell back into that state. I searched for God with my own desire to find him and was baptized a few years ago and took more care in my actions..... until I became lonely again. I found myself in a relationship where I wasn’t 100% sure it was who I was meant for. I became stagnant and comfortable but unhappy. I became sexually frustrated and objectified. I turned to self pleasure to ease the stress and lack of intimacy. So here I am now, wishing I had the courage and will power to turn from self pleasure, lust and sin but find myself too addicted to the pleasure that takes over any uncertainty in my life. This is not who I am or who I want to be. I try to speak with my bf about it but he tries to rationalize it rather than hep me overcome it. Or he suggests we be intimate but I can’t seem to be. I don’t know if it’s the relationship or my guilt or the trauma in my life. I need someone to hold me accountable when I get to the point of breaking.