New to NoFap and Coping

H

hushblush

Guest
Hey everyone!

Found NoFap browsing through different articles and websites trying to find a way to cope with this.

I'm a wife to a PMO addict and we have a beautiful 9-month old daughter. Recently he admitted to being addicted and to having cam sex, as well as sending and receiving nudes to randoms. It started around the last month of my pregnancy. He would sneak off in the middle of the night to play "video games" and would watch porn and have cam sex instead. Even did it in the same room while me and my LO were sleeping. I really don't know how to feel.

The day after he confessed this to me, I did research and found that there are many people battling through this, even people who get fired from work because they can't control their compulsions. I shared this with him and explained that at least he wasn't on this level and that we could work through this. However, a few days later, he then admitted to doing it at work, school, and in some public places.

He's lied about the severity and the amount of time he's done it.

I'm on here, I guess, to read how other people are working through this and trying to cope while still helping him through this. Further, I want to understand.

I want to be his accountability partner and help him through this (we agreed on not seeing a counselor) but I don't know where to start. I feel cheated and I'm super hurt, but I can't give up on my SO.

So, here I am...
 
Best wishes to you, the fact that he did confess is a huge step of course. Please keep us posted on how it's going.
 
This story is eerily similar to mine, except I never admitted it to my wife. It's been almost exactly a year since I've been on a webcam and 81 days since I've watched porn or masturbated. My "addiction" seemed to peak right around my wife's 7th or 8th month of pregnancy, and I've always suspected the pressures of becoming a new father and my own insecurities about it played a role.

I'm really sorry to hear you are going through this. I can sit here today and tell you with full confidence that recovery or "reboot" is completely possible! I'm even more encouraged by his admittance to you, even if it was only partial at first. Guilt and shame are overwhelming to someone in the PMO-cycle. Your attitude sounds very healthy at this point and in my opinion, the overall outlook is positive for great success.

We are dealing with a relatively new animal in internet porn/cybersex addiction, generally speaking. Viewing free 24/7 streaming porn online can quickly spiral into cybersex in order to keep the dopamine levels in the brain from dropping. This addiction is very real. Because my own addiction escalated into webcam sex I know a simple 90-day abstinence will not be enough to fully recover. At this point, having not masturbated in 81 days, I'm not sure I ever will again. My beliefs about porn, masturbation, sex, etc... were beliefs I formed when I was very young. I'd never challenged any of those beliefs until I began this reboot, and sure enough, many of them were just plain wrong or at the least misguided. Once I began to update my beliefs it became second nature to abstain from porn and masturbation, as they aren't necessary or I was using them as a coping/soothing mechanism.

One thing that really helped me was going to see a therapist. Pretty quickly through therapy I was able to uncover some deep-seeded issues that I'd had essentially my entire life that were contributing to some ongoing depression and low self esteem. I was using porn/cybersex/masturbation as a means to escape depression as well.

Things have been on an upward turn since the peak of my addiction. I've had some tricky moments for sure. As I've recovered more and more, my emotional well-being has become healthy for really the first time in my life. I'm much more able to openly and freely be intimate with my wife. Our little family is amazing! I'm present when we're together. I know my wife can "feel" the difference in me and our life together. You may be very surprised how wonderful things may become. This is all assuming he takes recovery very seriously.

Congrats on your daughter! Much love and success to all 3 of you!!
 
That's great! But what about the ones who cannot afford therapy? Therapy is very expensive and not covered for the most part.. I think no PMO gets us thinking straight anyway, possibly enough to understand why we do this to ourselves, and hopefully enough to end this on our own
 
Fthissht2008 said:
That's great! But what about the ones who cannot afford therapy? Therapy is very expensive and not covered for the most part.. I think no PMO gets us thinking straight anyway, possibly enough to understand why we do this to ourselves, and hopefully enough to end this on our own
Click to expand...
My doctor prescribed me 10 therapy visits. I went twice per month for 5 months. Each visit had a $20 co-pay. Every visit was well worth the $20.
The reason I mention the therapy is because in my instance, PMO abuse was more of a symptom of a larger, more psychological issue. Working to clear up the underlying problem first has helped me (tremendously!) in my reboot.
Each person's story is unique, and each person's recovery is unique as well. There's no cut-and-paste solution for everyone, but I do think complete recovery is possible for everyone. Hope yours is going well!
 
Strength And Light said:
My doctor prescribed me 10 therapy visits. I went twice per month for 5 months. Each visit had a $20 co-pay. Every visit was well worth the $20.
The reason I mention the therapy is because in my instance, PMO abuse was more of a symptom of a larger, more psychological issue. Working to clear up the underlying problem first has helped me (tremendously!) in my reboot.
Each person's story is unique, and each person's recovery is unique as well. There's no cut-and-paste solution for everyone, but I do think complete recovery is possible for everyone. Hope yours is going well!
Click to expand...
Ya I'm doing good! It's been 11 days.. I feel way better, that's for sure
 
Strength And Light said:
This story is eerily similar to mine, except I never admitted it to my wife. It's been almost exactly a year since I've been on a webcam and 81 days since I've watched porn or masturbated. My "addiction" seemed to peak right around my wife's 7th or 8th month of pregnancy, and I've always suspected the pressures of becoming a new father and my own insecurities about it played a role.

I'm really sorry to hear you are going through this. I can sit here today and tell you with full confidence that recovery or "reboot" is completely possible! I'm even more encouraged by his admittance to you, even if it was only partial at first. Guilt and shame are overwhelming to someone in the PMO-cycle. Your attitude sounds very healthy at this point and in my opinion, the overall outlook is positive for great success.

We are dealing with a relatively new animal in internet porn/cybersex addiction, generally speaking. Viewing free 24/7 streaming porn online can quickly spiral into cybersex in order to keep the dopamine levels in the brain from dropping. This addiction is very real. Because my own addiction escalated into webcam sex I know a simple 90-day abstinence will not be enough to fully recover. At this point, having not masturbated in 81 days, I'm not sure I ever will again. My beliefs about porn, masturbation, sex, etc... were beliefs I formed when I was very young. I'd never challenged any of those beliefs until I began this reboot, and sure enough, many of them were just plain wrong or at the least misguided. Once I began to update my beliefs it became second nature to abstain from porn and masturbation, as they aren't necessary or I was using them as a coping/soothing mechanism.

One thing that really helped me was going to see a therapist. Pretty quickly through therapy I was able to uncover some deep-seeded issues that I'd had essentially my entire life that were contributing to some ongoing depression and low self esteem. I was using porn/cybersex/masturbation as a means to escape depression as well.

Things have been on an upward turn since the peak of my addiction. I've had some tricky moments for sure. As I've recovered more and more, my emotional well-being has become healthy for really the first time in my life. I'm much more able to openly and freely be intimate with my wife. Our little family is amazing! I'm present when we're together. I know my wife can "feel" the difference in me and our life together. You may be very surprised how wonderful things may become. This is all assuming he takes recovery very seriously.

Congrats on your daughter! Much love and success to all 3 of you!!
Click to expand...

Wow, thank you so much for your story. It really helps when coping through this hearing how others have successfully overcome this addiction. My husband calls it his "dark passenger", much like Dexter calls his in the famous series. I am aware of the whole, "I'll just stop and never do it again" thing not working. I come from an addictive family where violence, drugs, and drinking tore families apart. I have expressed to him the fault in the idea of quitting it cold turkey and the low success rate that has, but he has assured me that for him, it is that simple. I guess I'm a little wary. I don't know if I could stick around if he relapsed.

Recently I bought him a leather bound journal (super nice) with his initials engraved and I told him that he needed to keep track of how many days it's been since he chose to reboot. We wanted something obscure since tallies are almost an easy give away for anyone with an addiction. We ended up going with Holidays. So he decided to reboot close to Halloween, so he wrote "Halloween" first on the list. Next he's writing, "Thanksgiving". Fingers crossed he makes it till then and further.

I'm not sure if we can afford a therapist, and further, he doesn't want to go. He definitely says he's sure it's a deeper problem and there's a root to it all but doesn't know what it is. I want to "play" therapist but I'm unsure if I know how. Any suggested reading or 12-step processes I can go through with him that you may know?
 
Also, you are all amazing people. Thank you so much for the advice, support and attention to this matter. We will get through this.
 
hushblush said:
I've been considering checking out or buying Your Brain on Porn. Would you say it's worth the read/buy?
Click to expand...

Yeah, of course I got it as the Kindle eBook and it's only $5. Even if you don't have a dedicated e-reader I'd imagine most of us have a phone or something these days, you can always get the Kindle app and then use it to read. I'm about 1/4 way done and there are a lot of stories and success stories for that matter, it probably helps people feel like they're not so alone and such a freak.

Also check out the TEDx talk by the author, the Youtube link is in my signature.
 
hushblush said:
I'm not sure if we can afford a therapist, and further, he doesn't want to go. He definitely says he's sure it's a deeper problem and there's a root to it all but doesn't know what it is. I want to "play" therapist but I'm unsure if I know how. Any suggested reading or 12-step processes I can go through with him that you may know?
Click to expand...
There have been 2 books that have been extremely helpful to me. One is called "Feeling Good" by David Burns. It's not specifically for online porn/cybersex addiction - it's essentially a guide to understanding emotional problems (depression, anxiety, guilt, shame, OCD, grief, etc...) and how overcome them without medication or therapy. There are many written exercises suggested by the author, and it's not necessary to follow and do each one in order to have success. I picked the most relevant ones for me and they really do work!
After reading over and over about the benefits of meditation while I was researching addiction and emotional disorders, I read a book called "Wherever You Go, There You Are" by Jon Kabat-Zinn. It's a simple to read introduction to meditation, and it's written from a modern perspective. After reading it, I started to practice meditation for 15 mins, twice a day. This has been incredibly helpful in my overall mood, and also has helped me to notice some distortions in my thinking that were discussed in the "Feeling Good" book.

I hadn't completely made the connection between my online porn/cybersex addiction and my anxiety/depression before I read those books and began to practice their techniques. As I began to progress in my recovery, I could easily see how my compulsions online were a direct result of my suppressed emotions and my unhealthy patterns of thinking. That's when I did some research and found NoFap. So my success in recovery has been a combination of therapy, books and research, meditation and being active in the NoFap community.

I think you're attitude is awesome and I wish you the best of luck!
 
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