New to NoFap, German Guy

Well hello there, fellow fapstronauts.

For the sake of anonymity, just call me David.
I'm a german 26 years old guy from germany, currently in an IT apprenticeship.
In my free time I play the electric guitar (Metal, Deathcore and stuff), I'm even playing in a band right now and we just released our first album.

I registered here because I am addicted to PMO since early puberty.
My story is pretty whiny but I somehow need a platform to share it and talk about it, and I literally don't know where that would go better than here.

So, I started masturbating when I was 6 years old. My father-in-law used to beat and yell the shit out of me through my childhood, and I went to be a very silent kid with a huge lack of self confidence.
I think masturbating and the dopamine it gave me kinda made up for how bad and lonely I felt throughout this time.

When I was 12, my mother realized how my father-in-law handled me and she finally broke up with him.
We moved away from him, to Berlin, and thats around the time i started developing depression.
Thats also when my PMO addiction started, because around that time, I started to get unlimited access to the internet, which fed my need for masturbation even more.
I think that made the depression even worse over the years, because naturally it fucked up my brain's dopamine household.

The following years, being the silent victim to bullying I was, I've also grown more and more socially awkward.
I never had any good friends, I still don't know how to build and handle friendships to this day, and I also generated a general hatred against male people (thanks to my father-in-law and thanks to the jealousy for guys getting all the beautiful girls while I'm not able to).
PMO, until this day, is one of the only things that make me kinda feel good (while it actually makes me feel bad afterwards).
Everytime I feel bad about myself, I'd jerk myself off (sometimes more than thrice a day) just to feel better for myself.
My addiction to that made me even more socially awkward. I cannot even watch beautiful girls without imagining me having sex with them.
My mind is absolutely fogged by thoughts about sex.
I had some girlfriends the past years, but most of the time that was only focussed on sexuality and the sake of not being alone.
I'd even say thanks to PMO I am not even able to truly love a person, I'm only thinking about having sex with them.

When i got 21 years old, my depression eventually lead to me being without work for the following 5 years.
I started dropping into a very deep sinkhole of depression and loneliness, and fapping, again, was the only drug that made me feel better.
I didn't have any sexual partners for those 5 years (even until this day) because I tend to scare women off with my negativity and my huge hunger for sex. In addition to that, I am not that attractive (kinda average) and I got fat during the time being workless.
I am currently registered on a plethora of dating platforms, hoping that I could find any nice woman to sleep with me, but I just keep getting ignored and rejected because either I am not physically attractive enough, or I don't know how to start an interesting conversation because my mind is all about sex.
In real life, I am just too scared and socially awkward to approach women.
That all also added up to my lack of self confidence growing nonstop.

Well, as I said, I am now in an apprenticeship in an IT company. I dragged myself out of that fucking loophole, and here I am.
I'm still not able to build social relationships, and I still just think about sex.
But there is that girl I really like. She's a bit emotionally unstable, like me, but i absolutely fucking feel attracted to her, both emotionally and sexually.
I just don't know how to approach her so that she also builds interest in me, because I tend do be absolutely needy when I get a bit closer to women, and that scares them off again most of the time.

Since it is November now, I thought about participating in the "NoFap November" Challenge. Then I thought, why not stop PMO entirely. It literally destroys my emotional life, so I need to get rid of it. I want to know if that really helps me feeling better for myself, building confidence, having the motivation to do something good for my body and finally being able to make myself attractive for women and finding the perfect partner.

Here I am on that Journey, with you guys, and If you got some questions, please feel free to ask. Talking absolutely open about this with people who understand the struggle really helps, so I am thankful of any questions I can answer to.

Thank you for reading, have a nice day.

 

Thank you, Sir.

I already established the counter for me, but the link to the challenges surely will be useful for me.