New to NoFap : Hi everyone !

Dear Fapstronauts,

I proudly signed up this very week and would like to say hello, thank you for welcoming me into your community as well share with you my reasons for joining. I apologize in advance for the long post, I'm writing this down on top of my mind and I don't really know where it'll end ! Thanks in advance for the brave readers out there ! Being concise is always a challenge for me. I also apologize if I'm being explicit at some points. As it is my first post I don't know how precise one usually is on the forums. I believe writing down clearly why I want out is a first step into recovery.

Well, as I'm sure many of you do, I don't have one but multiple reasons to ban porn from my life forever, each of which being sufficient on their own. Like many before me, I finally realized without the shadow of a doubt that by indulging repeatedly in porn, I was engaging in a dangerous behaviour both for my personal well-being and that of others. Although my situation may not be that dramatic (I did not watch porn at work or indulge in extreme obsessive behaviors towards it) I was still going back to it regularly, more intensively each time...and I felt its bad effects already, which is more than enough of a reason to put an end to it.

On the individual level, I began watching porn kind of "late" considering the horrifying stats one can find on a porn first timer's average age.

I started at age 20, when I began living away from my family...and with my very own high speed Internet connexion (yes, I'm pointing the finger at you, optical fiber). At the time, I was pursuing business studies I did not like, was attending a university I did not feel I belonged to and felt terribly lonely (although it took me quite some time to finally admit it, as as matter of fact I had worked incredibly hard to get accepted to this university, taking competitive exams and stuff). I was still virgin, having never kissed let alone had sex with a woman (I'm a man, by the way). In short, I was paralyzed by social anxiety and social pressure and as a response, chose to retreat to my comfort zone: being my small bachelor flat and my 13" computer screen. I was hesitant, reluctant at first. I had already come across porn before, but never from my own initiative. So actively looking for porn sites felt odd at first. But I finally yielded to temptation. And so it began, slowly at first, then regularly.

3 years later, I finally had my first sexual intercourse. It was just your basic one-night stand but as you may guess, it meant the world to me at that time (although it was absolute sh*t). Shortly after, I spent 4 months abroad in the US...and discovered the PUA world.

PUA is not directly linked to porn, in fact some PUAs even defend the idea of non-PMO but for unhealthy reasons. I'm mentionning it because at that time I was in "conquest mode" : I felt incredibly ashamed by my late loss of virgnity and was ready to do whatever I could to make up for the time lost. So all those tricks, vocabulary, seduction techniques ect...felt really attractive to me. Being in "conquest mode" and having this incredibly unhealthy state of mind towards women and relationships is indeed a perfect setting for porn addiction.

Going back home, I had only one idea in mind : get as many girls as I could. And in the meantime, masturbate furiously in frustration. I wanted to conquer, to dominate women. Yet, I was in love with a girl I had worked with for several months before my trip to the US, but she was in a relationship with an ex-colleague. My master and incredibly smart plan was to use my newly acquired techniques to lure her into cheating him and be with me. Yeah, that's smart, how could that possibly fail ? And of course it did (duh!).

At that time, I already knew I had to stop porn. I knew it had a terrible impact on my (recent) sex life. As I had discovered porn and masturbated to it years before I even had real sex, it completely messed up my sexual response. For instance, I couldn't manage to ejaculate in almost all my intercourses. I had to close my eyes and think about porn scenes to get "it" to work (the few times it did). I felt extremely ashamed as a result. And considering I felt already ashamed for being a 25 not having had any long lasting relationship and being a late virgin, that was a lot of shame in total.
I had even tried to stop PMO for some short periods of time. I managed a few times. But eventually, I always came back to it.

In recent years, this ejaculation problem became recurrent. I recently spent some repeated time with a girl and had sex with her more than with any other before but never did I manage to ejaculate. We talked about that problem, and we both knew who to blame. My brain had been hijacked and messed up with. My consumption of porn was ranging from once every 2 to 3 days to several times a day, so it was getting alarmingly regular. As for masturbation, with or without porn, it was EVERY day at some point. I tried to stop porn. I remember I managed an astonishing 2 months porn-free, but masturbating from time to time to let the steam out.

More importantly I progressively started to change my views and to leave the whole PUA fantasy behind me. I still felt real shame for my sexual and sentimental failures. I went to see several therapists, even hypnotherapists. And it changed me for good.

I also opened my eyes to the full extent of the consequences porn had on my life. Not only did it seriously impact my fragile sexual confidence, my "performance", but the worst part was it made me aroused to abusive behaviour towards women : bonding for instance. It was not the worst kind of bonding (God forbid) but it was still bonding. I had also develop a fetish which further messed up my sexual response. Now I not only had to think about porn scenes while having real sex to trigger any kind of response, but I also had to incorporate my fetish into these thoughts...man, it was f*cked up big time. I began to fear having sex, knowing I would eventually fail to ejaculate, feel ashamed, lose the girl and be unworthy of her affection. I even stopped intercourses several times before penetration, to avoid this embarrassing experience.

Hopefully, I also discovered something very important. I did not want to live my fantasies for real. For example, a few months ago, I had sex with a girl that was really into hardcore and bonding, opened to a lot of the fantasies the kind of which I had come accross in my browsing Internet porn. Turned out I didn't like that experience at all, I was disgusted by it and refused to play the game. I realized at that point that what I really liked in sex was intimacy, being tender, soft, hugging and loving. So porn had fooled me by driving me away from with my real desires. What I was watching was not at all a reflection of my real desires and of who I was.

And of course, I began to seriously question the powerful monster that is the porn industry, I read and watch testimonies of former pornstars. I came across stats about porn, TED talks and other material that horrified me. By watching porn, I was seriously harming myself yes, but also indirectly, unknowingly and unintentionally harming countless women accross the world, encouraging exploitation, sex slavery even ! I felt a disgust the type of which I had never felt before.

And I fell in love. I mean real love. Last week, I finally had the courage to open my heart to this girl and we share an incredibly beautiful moment of sincerity. She received my feelings with kindness and grace, did not reject at all me like I was terrified she would do. In the end, she did not reciprocate my feelings for now, leaving room for hope.

Regardless of the outcome of our story and if we will eventually get together, the most important thing was : I had finally become vulnerable, meaning, I had finally let go ouf my "conquest mode", my will to control. I told her my feelings because I wanted to be sincere with her and let her decide what to do with them. The most important was not to win her, it was to be honnest. And I realised my sexual desire for her was only secondary in comparison to the profound affection I have for her.

How, knowing all the perverse effects of porn and how, having experienced the beauty of simple, honnest communication of loving feelings, could I possibly go back to watching porn ?

A friend had told me about NoFap earlier this week, so I came to have a look. I was amazed by all the material and the support you Fapstronauts provide to each other, so I decided to join.

I am currently undertaking the 90-day challenge. Each day I'm watching and reading material about stopping porn, testimonies, TED talks ect... I'm eager for inspirational content the kind of which I'm sure you have a lot in store to recommend and share !

I would also love to actively participate in conversations to share my humble experience and inspirational moments and material I have come across.

Wow, that was a long post ! Sorry again, but it felt great sharing that with you, my friends. Thanks to all of you who digested this behemoth of a post, I'll try to be more concise next time, I promise !

Glad to start this great and life-changing journey with you all

Bless you all,

endmystery

 

No worries @Contentful T ! Thxs !