New to NoFap - need PA and SO guidance please

I am hoping for some guidance from PA’s and SO’s.

Early in 2012 I was using my husband’s phone to do a google search of a restaurant we wanted hours to - was tryping to type in “Youngs” and it auto populated with “youtubeporn”. He was with me and I pretended not to see it.

In July 2012, my husband came home from work ill and went to the bedroom to lie down. I was working from home at the time. I went upstairs to check on him, and he had his laptop in bed. He didn’t know I saw the images I saw, clearly adult. I also heard the finish from my office downstairs. One night a couple weeks later with the false courage of alcohol I blurted it out. He was very remorseful of this. In a note he said "i cant put into words an apology, so I'll just say I'm sorry. Knowing how hurt you are has not gone unnoticed by me, however it may appear, i do not take it lightly". I certainly understood at the time that he was truly sorry that I had gotten hurt by what I saw, but I did not feel he was remorseful of the action. At this time I kicked it up a notch. I had been sleeping on the couch due to his sleep apnea. Also, I did mostly avoid sexual situations because they were generally drunken encounters that lasted forever and went nowhere. So I started sleeping in the bed, I wore more appealing pajamas and not his t-shirts, I made sure my legs were smoothly shaven and his favorite scented lotion was on. I did not see an uptick in intimacy for these efforts or any successful finish on his part when there was. I had a nagging feeling something was going on. I have felt inside that maybe I could have prevented this habit/addiction if I had been more open to intimacy – he would not have had the need to stray elsewhere. At 50 years old I have never been comfortable with my body. This stems from being a teenager and my mom insisting on having weigh-in competitions. When she would weigh in less she would do a victory dance. I started taking dexatrim. My weight 117 pounds. You heard me right, 117. Then my first marriage at 21 to a control freak abuser who constantly verbally assaulted me pointing out every flaw on my body so I would feel worthless. My current husband saved my soul and has been soulmate and I know he adores me. But….

After months of unfinished and unsuccessful sexual encounters I began to think something was up, which would eventually explain why something wasn’t up. I installed a keylogger on his work computer that sent me notifications every time he visited an adult site. He was working out of town, and sure enough, the next day I was getting email notifications that the computer had logged on to an explicit adult site. These notifications came for weeks and weeks. I did not have the courage to confront this. He is a gentle man and incredibly shy and I did not want to humiliate him with a face to face on this. I was a traveling consultant at the time and was regularly spending time out of state. Five months after discovering his daily porn viewing I left for a two week stint and I put a very heartfelt letter beside his alcohol. He called me soon after reading it furious. His reaction was “WHO KNOWS ABOUT THIS!?!?!”. Then it was never spoken of again. The only keylogger notifications I received were from general sites and not adult sites. I thought it was over.

In 2014 I again installed a keylogger because he got a new work-issued computer. Again, nothing was there. I thought I was in the clear. ED still seemed to plague us though.

In a 4 year period this man had 4 surgeries. Type A aortic dissection was the first and he was on the brink of death (this is what killed John Ritter and Alan Thicke) and miraculously survived an 11 hour surgery. 8 months later back surgery. 3 years later thyroid surgery for cancer. He has been through a lot but so have I and I’ve been by his side every step of the way. His heart surgery has given challenges sexually, mostly position challenges, because I am not that adventurous.

In April 2018 I had no reason to suspect PMO (with the exception of ED, which he mainly attributed to alcohol - even during times with no alcohol involvement). I had bought him an IPAD Pro for Christmas. My biggest dumbass move ever. One day I was cleaning and had to move the IPAD and then I got curious if he used the same passcode on the IPAD I had seen him enter his iphone. This was complete naïve curiosity. Ha! It was the same code! Oh dear….I was shocked when I looked at the browser. Here we go again. We were housesitting for my dad while we had renovations done at our new house. The grief did not hit me until we moved in our new house in August. Our final resting place with no kids. I bet I asked myself a million times a day how did I get here and what am I getting back from this relationship. Is this it? Last week I saw him trying to conceal his phone passcode and I did confront that and he said it was stupid of him that he had nothing to hide.

Since we moved in this new house I have been a complete wreck. Sadness, rage, despair, irritability, hopelessness, grief, missing my kids who just flew the nest, missing my old house, missing a life, missing intimacy and having every minute of the day ruled by thoughts of this. I can not escape it. I knew I needed to talk to him about it, but wanted to do it face to face. I made an appointment with my doctor and got on Wellbutrin. I started having nose bleeds and my blood pressure went through the roof despite already being on high blood pressure medicine. It’s a hard discussion but I thought I was going to lose my mind and have a heart attack if I didn’t get this off my chest. I took my wedding rings off a week ago and put them in the ring holder I keep near the sink. Sunday he asked me why. It was time so I told him everything. I cried. He cried. It broke my heart. I actually ended up consoling him. He told me to take all his electronic devices – except his cell phone which is work-issued. The next day I followed up with an email to him. I had follow-up questions and he answered them all, I believe honestly, even though he knew the answers would hurt me.

Here are my questions:

· He volunteered to surrender his devices. He will need devices because I am hopeful he will join noflap. He can get around private mode easy enough anyway on his phone and work computer. I am feeling like I need to have blind faith on this. Thoughts?

· Regarding intimacy, should we abstain from sex while he seeks recovery? I’m sleeping in the bed (again) and we are connecting on a very emotional level but I don’t want to push it and I am afraid an unsuccessful sexual encounter would not be good for any type of recovery. I am also afraid not to sleep in bed for fear of a relapse.

· How can I best support his success? I think he knows he’s addicted and I am going to encourage him to join nofap.

· How can I best support a relapse – heaven forbid. I do not want to break this man’s spirit.

· How can I get these images out of my head? Two nights ago we laid in bed in total silence. All that ran through my head were imagines that I saw in his browser and I laid there wondering if those same images were running thru his head at that minute. Like most of us SO’s the feelings of inadequacy is overwhelming.

If you hung in this long to get to this sentence – thank you. I very much appreciate this forum. My story is by far not the saddest. Reading the PA posts have been helpful. I believe my husband is a good man. I believe good people make poor choices. I believe anyone who goes thru the steps to identify this addiction and make improvement in their lives and the lives of their families are the true gladiators. My hat is also off to the SO’s out there who found the reasons to stay or the courage to go. All of your stories are a source of my hope and inspiration. I really can’t thank you enough.

 

Dear HF,

A sincere thank you for your post. I’m sure I have read it 20 times since Tuesday. Last night I shared it with my husband.

It was generous of you take time the time to reply.

Hopeful

 

Thank you for your post. I did buy Accountable2you and am working to get it installed on all devices.

 

Thank you so much for your post. I will definitely look at the journals you referenced and the thread. This is very helpful.

 

Hi Ghostwriter,

Thank you for the feedback it was very helpful. I would like some help with boundaries and consequences. I hope I don’t need it, but I better have it in my pocket.

To answer your question “why did I pretend not to see it”, it caught me off guard. We were away for a romantic weekend and I didn’t want to ruin it. At the time I thought all men viewed occasional porn (I have brothers and have heard shop talk). It was a jolt that MY husband viewed it but I sure never thought it was an addiction until the other events unfolded.