New to the forum out of disgust

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by paradigm001, Sep 29, 2017.

  1. paradigm001

    paradigm001 Fapstronaut

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    Hi, I am new to the forum. Im 38 years old. When I was younger in my teens it was the 90s, an interesting time to be alive. I can remember my first porno being some 70s porn movie that a friend gave to me. My mother found it, and my parents decided to sit me down for a talk. In honesty they didnt know how to approach me, all they said was "we dont approve of this filth in this house, and I got rid of it."

    Well about 4 years later after I turned 18 I went to my first strip club, and soon after became a regular at the VHS VCR porn rental store. I guess my parents could do nothing at this point so they never brought it up again.

    Then I got my first internet connection in 1999 or so, and BAM porn porn porn.

    In those days you had lots of photos but the vids were short little clips, I downloaded all of them night and day through my 56k modem.

    Then a year or so later enter broadband. I began my porno collection, downloading torrents of favorite stars and scenes untill I had about 30 DVDs filled with movies.

    Then one day I just said thats IT and threw them all away. This didnt last long of course. It wasnt long before I began to pay money for streaming movies etc.

    Well this shits gone on long enough! Im now 38, and still I watch scenes that I watched when I was in my 20s.

    Well I will leave it at that for now.

    All I no is this cant be good for the brain, body, and mind.

    Peace
     
  2. paradigm001

    paradigm001 Fapstronaut

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    I would like to add that its not only porn that consumed my life, but my reliance on strip clubs for the past 20 years as a replacement for a real connection.
     
  3. JakeWoods

    JakeWoods Fapstronaut

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    It's great that you've realised you've got a problem. Realising you have a problem is the first step in fixing it.

    I know you've said this has gone on for long enough but be thankful you're one of the lucky ones who realised what it's doing to you. So many people are unaware of what's happening to them. Like I was for years.

    Welcome to the forum :)
     
  4. paradigm001

    paradigm001 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for responding. Its just the fact that I feel that I am somehow permanently damaged and I will never feel that sexual intensity again. But I know that this is just a lie that I tell myself to justify my lowered self esteem from over indulging my addiction.
     
  5. Welcome. It's good that you have hope and that you've found this website now, sooner rather than later. What tools do you use to reboot?
     
  6. Bale

    Bale Fapstronaut

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    Hello and welcome to the movement. As someone else said earlier, better late than never!

    My parents also once found out some material on my computer and had no idea how to handle the situation. My dad just said something in the lines of "this is bad"... Can't really blame them but I wish I hadn't become addicted to that sh*t afterwards. Porn messes up so badly with teenage development.
     
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  7. paradigm001

    paradigm001 Fapstronaut

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    What tools do I use? I havent gotten that far, tomarrow will be my first day. Since my libido is kinda low allready I dont see it as being a problem yet. About a month ago I went a little over a week before PMO. I had thought that it was long enough for me to feel real pleasure from it but it wasnt like that at all.

    Im just upset with myself that Ive used porn as a distraction and a quick fix tool to avoid my creative side, which is music, and also social interaction. At this age all my friends that I had in high school are off and married and I havent heard from them in years.

    The only females that I talk to are strippers (I know sad). But its my fault, I choose the easy way out and conditioned my brain as such. Now my depression is better from treating my low testosterone with a doctor. But my sexual energy is barely there if at all!!!

    Its all kinda scary.
     
  8. I suggest that you get an Accountability Partner, create a journal in the age related section in the rebooting forums, take regular cold showers and take walks when faced with urges, limit screen time among other things... There are many useful other tools out there, all you have to do is ask around.
     
  9. paradigm001

    paradigm001 Fapstronaut

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    thank you I will, because Im about now to relapse and Im new to this so I have no coping strategies.
     
  10. Don't relapse, get off your device and take a walk.
     
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  11. paradigm001

    paradigm001 Fapstronaut

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    I really just need an AP. I feel so alone in this.
     
  12. TheFutureMe

    TheFutureMe Fapstronaut

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    Hi and welcome :) Your story mimics mine in so many ways... There's a ton of hope to be had for you, and the more you'll hang around this community the more you'll learn about how to put all this knowledge and experience to use for yourself. You've made a hard step forward already, by registering on a forum to help yourself achieve something you felt unable to control before. I wish for you to get enough tools and efucation about yourself and the addiction so that you can turn things in a different path vey soon.

    We're about the same age, and that means that we've been using these avoidance behaviors for quite some time. Therefore it is *somewhat* longer to get rid of them that for soemone who's 18 for example. Still, I can guarantee that you can make tons of progress as I did, by getting informed and supported here at NoFap.

    May I recommend specifically the "Porn Addiction" section and the "Success Stories" which overflow with amazing stories (both achievements and errors) which can help you take shortcuts that some of us have discovered before. Read. Read. Read. Share. Reflect. Read some more. And at some point you'll be ready to start a challenge, to get on the path. When you do, remember that it took 20 years for you to get here, so maybe, just maybe, you could allow months or years to get out of it fully recovered? ;)

    All the best to you!
     
    paradigm001 likes this.
  13. Maybe both of you could be APs?
     
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  14. Asgardian36

    Asgardian36 Fapstronaut

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    Man, I can so relate to you! I find myself in the same situation. I hope you can beat this thing. God be with us all!
     
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  15. paradigm001

    paradigm001 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for all the thoughtful responses. Right now Im just going to do what was suggested. Read Read and Read and just learn to recognize my triggers. Believe me, this addiction stems from deep psychological trauma that probably goes back to child hood. NO I wasnt molested NO I wasnt beaten. But what I did to myself by devaluing myself was worse then that physical torture in my honest opinion or just as destructful /hurtful.

    thanks again, ill be posting soon.
     
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  16. Livinginfreedom

    Livinginfreedom New Fapstronaut

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    No matter how long you might have tried and fall, their is still hope. If deep down you want a change, change will come. But you have to be ready. Many times people want something to change but are not ready for the long road ahead. One thing is for you to desire a change but another thing is for you to be willing to pay the high price. Freedom is not cheap. Changes only begins when you are ready. Have been free for over 10 years now without a relapse. If l can you can as well.
     
  17. TheFutureMe

    TheFutureMe Fapstronaut

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    Excellent idea friend :) About the enduring trauma, do you already have a precise idea of why, how and when it happened? (Not asking to know the details, I really don't have to. I just want to know if you've looked into it or if you have suspicions only.)
     
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  18. We CAN Do This!

    We CAN Do This! Fapstronaut

    You're right when you say it can't be good for mind or body. Stop all together, you're clearly feeling shame/regret over your past in terms of porn, so why continue?

    You've got many great reasons to quit, and absolutely no reason to carry on watching it. So, the choice is simple :)
     
    paradigm001 likes this.
  19. paradigm001

    paradigm001 Fapstronaut

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    I think my trauma is the way my parents acted when I was younger. My father was a heavy drinker but never admitted to being an alcoholic. I remember him pissing in the sink when I was 5 or so years old and my mother cleaning up with bleach the next day.

    Also there was no affection or love between my parents, they never divorced but my dad one day took me to meet his then girl friend, this happened when I was very young. I remember being in the hotel and thats it. I slept in the same bed as him and dont remember much of that. Soon after like a day after my father returned me home and got back together with my mother.

    Also I was a fat kid, and I didnt regularly shower till the 8th grade or so. For some reason my father never showered only used baby power and he was a teacher for christs sake well regarded too. So I think I picked that up from him.

    Also I remember vivdlly when I was very young maybe 6-7-8 hearing the word VIRGIN on SNL one night.
    I asked my mother what that meant and she said "someone who never had sex yet"
    FOR SOME REASON I got this Impending feeling that I would be single and a virgin for a long time.
    ANd in fact that was the case, I lost my virginity at 31. ANd the sex was TERRIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!

    But mainly the trauma is a general lack of genuine love and support between my parents and toward me.
    My mother was over protective and coddled me and my father was totally distant and a blatant ass hole and had a very violent temper.
     
  20. TheFutureMe

    TheFutureMe Fapstronaut

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    I can relate to that, not in details of course, but still the situation was the same. And it drove me to a lot of long-term imbalances as well. Thanks to major depression espisodes, I sought help and I've worked on that with and without professionals - you can too. It's a lifechanger, and I hope you'll be able to get to it soon :) If that can be of any help, I had my first 108 days streak after I went to (solo) therapy a couple of times, to deal with the issues that you've talked about in your last post. And after that it's only been an upward movement of progress and rediscovery. I wish to you the very same!
     

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