ChachoBlue
New Fapstronaut
Hi guys – I stumbled upon NoFap about a year ago and have been trying to beat my addiction ever since. I finally got the courage to sign up and share my story and find others who are on the same journey. My longest no PMO streak thus far has been 20 days, and my goal is the full 90 days.
My porn habits: I started watching porn from the age of 12. I first came across something on MySpace and it all went downhill from there. When I was 14, I started exploring some fetish pornography and I’ve been addicted to it ever since. The type of porn I was watching started out fairly light, but it evolved over time. I remember watching various types of femdom porn and I thought some acts were so weird... well, over time I got into those weird things. It started off with facesitting and various types of worship. Now it’s a huge umbrella of femdom porn including foot domination, strapon, humiliation, sissification and more. I even had 2 dominatrix experiences in my life, which cost me $400 in total. I felt so empty after these visits, and it just never felt right. To add to that, I even had another $500 taken from me from some old guy online who pretended to be a dominatrix... it was so dumb. After the second real dominatrix experience, I knew I was addicted and searched to figure out how to stop it. That’s what led me to NoFap. Today, even a small commercial depicting some type of older/dominant female will put me into a trance. I’ve relapsed about 15-20 times since I’ve started, but I’m still trying to beat this.
More background on me: I have quite a bit of social anxiety – I have a tough time being comfortable in public, especially right after relapses. During my 20-day streak, I was feeling awesome and I want to return to that confidence. Growing up I had a hard time being myself. I hit puberty very late, and on top of that all of my friends were taller and more muscular than me (I grew a little bit, but I’m still fairly short and skinny haha). I always had an issue with my height and appearance because I got picked on a lot and never got noticed in high school. Today, I think I may be experiencing some form of body dysmorphia. I am also a perfectionist. I’m still learning about myself, but I think that fapping has been covering these things about myself that I think are real issues in my life. I also never really had a strong male figure to look up to. My dad worked a lot and is very passive, and I am just like him. I have also been a huge procrastinator for as long as I can remember.
My lack of confidence carried into college where I had a very difficult time with girls. During college, the sexual interactions I had were all under the influence of alcohol: throughout my 4 years of college, I made out with three girls, and had sex with two others. None of it felt good afterwards. I was never able to form a good relationship with the opposite sex, something I think deep down I actually wanted (Also, I’ve never had a girlfriend). My addiction to femdom porn definitely deterred me from developing a healthy view of women in general, and a healthy sex life in my formative years.
This past November several things happened that changed my life around a bit. For the past couple years, I was working a very demanding job in New York City that I didn’t like. Pornography was my escape from my job – every night I would get home, I would fap to Femdom porn and go to sleep. I actually tried NoFap while working, but it only lasted a couple days at a time. The porn addiction and social anxiety really affected my performance and living in New York City didn’t help it either. I found myself filled with anxiety 24/7. I was constantly comparing myself with others (jobs, looks, status..). It was all around me... and porn provided me a safe space; it was my escape from it all.
This past November, I met a girl on a dating app (I was surprised I pulled one off after years on such apps haha). I liked her, but after 3 dates something just didn’t feel right. I knew deep down inside I didn’t like myself, I didn’t like my job and overall I disliked the environment I was in. If I don’t know how to love myself, how can I possibly care for and treat someone else with love and affection? I told her that I didn’t know what I wanted from life and that I would just be leading her on if we kept dating. She was really cool with it and we stopped talking. Two weeks later I decided to quit my job. I am now living at home with my parents and planning to take a full year off.
Sitting all day at my job left me with numerous muscle imbalances which have caused pain from my right shoulder, down to my hip and knees. I’m happy to say that since I’ve left my job, the pain has gotten better, but I’m still trying hard to develop some good exercise habits to do in my free time. Physical therapy is pretty boring... I might start learning how to cook as well to beat the boredom.
The biggest challenge I’ve been facing at home is boredom. I don’t have a car and I’ve relapsed much more since I’ve moved back home. I avoid going to work with my father as well because of the social anxiety I’m still experiencing, but I’m dusting myself off again and trying to turn this all around.
Femdom porn has destroyed me. I don’t really know what it’s like to experience a full, happy life. I have a hard time feeling good doing anything else but watching, masturbating and orgasm'ing to this porn. On top of all that, it is just so emasculating. I’m 24 and still trying to create my own definition of masculinity and what a healthy sexuality is all about. I know the post was long, but just had to get all of this out in the most coherent way as possible.
Here’s to NoFap! I wish you all the best, wherever you are in your journey.
My porn habits: I started watching porn from the age of 12. I first came across something on MySpace and it all went downhill from there. When I was 14, I started exploring some fetish pornography and I’ve been addicted to it ever since. The type of porn I was watching started out fairly light, but it evolved over time. I remember watching various types of femdom porn and I thought some acts were so weird... well, over time I got into those weird things. It started off with facesitting and various types of worship. Now it’s a huge umbrella of femdom porn including foot domination, strapon, humiliation, sissification and more. I even had 2 dominatrix experiences in my life, which cost me $400 in total. I felt so empty after these visits, and it just never felt right. To add to that, I even had another $500 taken from me from some old guy online who pretended to be a dominatrix... it was so dumb. After the second real dominatrix experience, I knew I was addicted and searched to figure out how to stop it. That’s what led me to NoFap. Today, even a small commercial depicting some type of older/dominant female will put me into a trance. I’ve relapsed about 15-20 times since I’ve started, but I’m still trying to beat this.
More background on me: I have quite a bit of social anxiety – I have a tough time being comfortable in public, especially right after relapses. During my 20-day streak, I was feeling awesome and I want to return to that confidence. Growing up I had a hard time being myself. I hit puberty very late, and on top of that all of my friends were taller and more muscular than me (I grew a little bit, but I’m still fairly short and skinny haha). I always had an issue with my height and appearance because I got picked on a lot and never got noticed in high school. Today, I think I may be experiencing some form of body dysmorphia. I am also a perfectionist. I’m still learning about myself, but I think that fapping has been covering these things about myself that I think are real issues in my life. I also never really had a strong male figure to look up to. My dad worked a lot and is very passive, and I am just like him. I have also been a huge procrastinator for as long as I can remember.
My lack of confidence carried into college where I had a very difficult time with girls. During college, the sexual interactions I had were all under the influence of alcohol: throughout my 4 years of college, I made out with three girls, and had sex with two others. None of it felt good afterwards. I was never able to form a good relationship with the opposite sex, something I think deep down I actually wanted (Also, I’ve never had a girlfriend). My addiction to femdom porn definitely deterred me from developing a healthy view of women in general, and a healthy sex life in my formative years.
This past November several things happened that changed my life around a bit. For the past couple years, I was working a very demanding job in New York City that I didn’t like. Pornography was my escape from my job – every night I would get home, I would fap to Femdom porn and go to sleep. I actually tried NoFap while working, but it only lasted a couple days at a time. The porn addiction and social anxiety really affected my performance and living in New York City didn’t help it either. I found myself filled with anxiety 24/7. I was constantly comparing myself with others (jobs, looks, status..). It was all around me... and porn provided me a safe space; it was my escape from it all.
This past November, I met a girl on a dating app (I was surprised I pulled one off after years on such apps haha). I liked her, but after 3 dates something just didn’t feel right. I knew deep down inside I didn’t like myself, I didn’t like my job and overall I disliked the environment I was in. If I don’t know how to love myself, how can I possibly care for and treat someone else with love and affection? I told her that I didn’t know what I wanted from life and that I would just be leading her on if we kept dating. She was really cool with it and we stopped talking. Two weeks later I decided to quit my job. I am now living at home with my parents and planning to take a full year off.
Sitting all day at my job left me with numerous muscle imbalances which have caused pain from my right shoulder, down to my hip and knees. I’m happy to say that since I’ve left my job, the pain has gotten better, but I’m still trying hard to develop some good exercise habits to do in my free time. Physical therapy is pretty boring... I might start learning how to cook as well to beat the boredom.
The biggest challenge I’ve been facing at home is boredom. I don’t have a car and I’ve relapsed much more since I’ve moved back home. I avoid going to work with my father as well because of the social anxiety I’m still experiencing, but I’m dusting myself off again and trying to turn this all around.
Femdom porn has destroyed me. I don’t really know what it’s like to experience a full, happy life. I have a hard time feeling good doing anything else but watching, masturbating and orgasm'ing to this porn. On top of all that, it is just so emasculating. I’m 24 and still trying to create my own definition of masculinity and what a healthy sexuality is all about. I know the post was long, but just had to get all of this out in the most coherent way as possible.
Here’s to NoFap! I wish you all the best, wherever you are in your journey.
