Newbie, don't know how to proceed

hi. So I'm new to NoFap. My husband is an addict. D-day was 09/25. This wasn't the first traumatic event, but it hit me hard. I didn't function, or leave my bed for 4 entire days. Meanwhile no one seemed concerned at all. That was another red flag. I have amazing instincts and for whatever reasons when it comes to my husband I almost always ignore them. Even when I do speak up about them, they are always (then and now) met with responses of how I am paranoid etc... it's always me until I have proof. Well I don't want to get into everything right now. Things seemed like they were going well with minor excuses on his part and then it stopped. Everything stopped and there wasn't much to begin with. Every resource every book etc. has all been basically handed to him from me and yet he does absolutely NOTHING to work on his recovery. There are so many issues here, abusive behaviors, his manipulative, narcissistic parents.... Anyways, I have decided to continue moving forward whether he does or not. I'm doing this for me and our children. If there's no change it will hurt but I'm preparing myself to say goodbye.

 

I just don't understand. How can he be so ughhhh!!! After d- day I said straight out that he had a problem. He finally admitted to using P and Ming all day everyday. That he would do this during work hours. He would be driving to his next job and decide to pull over in *fill in the blank* parking lot and do this. Instead of coming home would sit up the road at a very busy store and do this.... now how, how could you not think/ even if in the slightest way, that you had a problem with this? He had/has no issue coming up with excuses for not being even remotely intimate with me. But never crossed his mind that he had an issue come on! I just don't know what to do.

 

I thought our rock bottom was 4 months ago however he relapsed within the week, since then according to him he has not touched anything. As far as the phone, I waited until finally he mentioned restrictions on iPhone he tried to give me a million and 1 excuses as to why we shouldn't do it until finally I said no! So he does have that, however he also has a work phone that he can use. He has used it before to carry out sexting and such with another woman so I honestly can't see him not using it to watch porn. I am so relieved to have found this site. I've found tons of things online mainly with religious tones and almost all of them said to leave and forget about him ever getting help. He seemed like he was trying and things between us had deff gotten better but this was short lived. His parents actually incourage his behavior at least with the affairs and things. After the last issue with involved another woman, his father said that it was my fault! That I was abusive, I neglect my children, it gets worse. Oh and their main priority was to keep asking him to come there. To stay there! No working things out or how he should be held accountable! It was disgusting and still makes me sick! He did nothing to defend me and his mother knows that I know but has done nothing to rectify the situation. Instead I'm supposed to pretend nothing is wrong place nice, have these people over to my home! His father doesn't even speak to me! They are besides his addiction, the biggest issue in our relationship. Until he can get away from them I don't think he will ever change. It's pathetic actually because he blames almost everything on them but refuses to do anything about it. To be honest a huge part of me is afraid that if I do tell him to leave he will be lost forever. The only place he would go is to his parents and then it will get worse. Idk what to do. I know he's in there somewhere. His time is running out and there aren't anymore excuses left to use. Holidays have passed so I am working on building some kind of support for me. This way if and when the kids and I have to go, I will be able to do so. I'm also hoping that the fact that I (a bipolar agoraphobic, telephonophobic..) made an actual appointment with a therapist this week after actually trying for months will push him to see that I am very serious about this. Sorry for the rant.

 

Oh I should add, I know all about addicts I've spent most of my life with them. I'm very familiar with mental illness as well. I suffer from it. I get the process which is another big reason why I know this isn't working. He can't just wish his issues away or they will just keep coming back. And I'm sure he doesn't need porn to jerk off, right?

 

I've read this and requested to join. I'm looking forward to hopefully being apart of this group. There aren't many groups out there that don't blame the partner. I've learned a ton from marriedtoasexaddict.com I just don't know about paying monthly to join their support group.

 

Thank you. Seriously I can not thank you enough for saying that. See one of my biggest issues is that I'm stuck in a warped reality also. I'm stuck with my only real support being him and his family. I'm isolated and my mom has her own issues to deal with (I'm more of the mom) And when I explain to him how the things that they do hurt me or how what they do is wrong he seems to not get it. He doesn't get angry or upset. He will simply shrug his shoulders in a "idk what am I supposed to do about it" way and agree that "it's messed up." Some of it whether it's an appropriate emotion or not at this point scares me. For instance I just blocked his parents from Social Media (mainly his dad) because I found out that he is friends with most of my family. This is someone who doesn't talk to me and I mean has never ever in 7yrs! Why would he need to be friends with my aunt, my 19yr old sisters bf?, or my 2nd cousin who I rarely speak to?! It's so that he can see everything that goes on in my/our lives at all times. This really has me on edge. There's always another reason why I have to see them weekly at a min. There's more and bigger things but I'm determined to make him see that this is not ok let alone acceptable behavior.

 

Ok so it's weird cuz I mean when you look at both of our childhoods/ adolescence mine is clearly the one that was filled with issues. It's not until you dig deeper into his and see the complete lack of any kind of privacy& over control smothering... that makes you think hey? That's some crazy ish. Yes we were doing better for about a month. He was having little contact with his parents & was actually reading literature. We would talk about how he was for the day etc. and most of the time it was him offering information not me. Then it stopped. And old behaviors started. The not calling or texting while at work, not actually talking to me about anything other than specific jobs here and there. See I do blame his parents and honest to goodness I am not that type. I'm more of a take some responsibility, do it yourself, no one is gonna help you but you, type of person. In this case though they are a HUGE portion of the problem. They will not CAN NOT go more than 12 hrs without having some reason for him to call or text or come over. They created a lot of his issues and they exploit them to remain in control. I am done. I can't handle it. I'm mentally and physically ill from all of this. I know with all of my heart that if I stay and nothing changes I will be dead within a year. That scares the shit outta me. The fact that his parents will then screw up my daughters and more blatantly neglect my son. The fact that I have written out a "will" so to speak and have left information with certain people so if anything should happen to me neither him nor his parents will have custody of my children. These things are not normal. There is so so much to this thing. I will get help. I am determined to build a support system that I can rely/lean on. I will not go through another year or even another 6 months of constantly being afraid. My kids do not deserve to grow up this way. I honestly don't think I can remember a period of my life where I was actually happy. Obviously when my kids were born.. but I mean more than a day or 2. It's always been bad. I've always had horrible things happen to me no matter what I did. That's one of the biggest reasons why I'm agoraphobic. If I don't socialize with anyone and I mean anyone, then my chances of being heartbroken and torn apart are minimum right? Uhh smh boy was I wrong.

 

I am attempting to gain some kind of support right now. its difficult though. I've reached out to several places in the last few months and almost never get a response. There isn't a lot in my area which sort of makes no sense given the actual area.

There also is no physical violence. It is still not a healthy situation for any of us and that includes him. I am determined to better our lives and sadly if he continues to procrastinate and make excuses as to why he can't do anything then we will have to move on separately. Safety plan has been a thought. And the only person left as far as trusting, it just isn't the same anymore.