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Newcomer who needs to change...

Discussion in 'Compulsive Sexual Behavior' started by Deleted Account, Jul 6, 2021.

  1. As you can tell by the name, I am new to NoFap. I am not new to this addiction however. I am joining after many years of what I have grown to understand as some form of "sex addiction". I'm reaching out to provide myself some form of accountability for this problem and I feel it will be helpful for me to post in a forum where others can provide feedback.

    I kindly ask for your support. This is not easy for me to do, even in an anonymous setting like this. While I am fortunate enough to be holding my life together fairly well despite this problem, compulsive sexual behavior has definitely affected me. I have no delusions as to how harmful and selfish this addiction is. Although I have not yet been successful after roughly 2 years of trying to free myself from this addiction, I am absolutely determined t beat this.

    I will post more as I have time to do so. With that, any words of encouragement are deeply appreciated. Thank you all in advance for your support.

    Posted on Day 0
     
  2. Melkhiresa

    Melkhiresa Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to hell!

    If it is accountability you are looking for there are groups here for that.
     
    Abel100% and kammaSati like this.
  3. Vanquisher12

    Vanquisher12 Fapstronaut

    Good for you! Joining the NoFap community is a bold move that in itself makes your fight easier, for before you were pretty much on your own - now you have an entire army of allies by your side, willing you on and encouraging you to rid yourself of your addictions for good!

    With regards to your compulsive sex behaviour I'd advise looking inside yourself and trying to find out if there are any deep feelings or experiences from your past that might have caused this, because most people on here without a doubt have just such a root cause for this behaviour. Once you've done this, all you really need to do is work on finding a solution to the problem, whether a physical act or a mental resolution, so that whenever you feel the urge to watch porn or masturbate, you can keep this solution in mind - this should give a dopamine release that replaces the one that comes from wanking or watching porn, without the horrid side-effects of PMO.
     
  4. Hey @NFA753 and welcome. Great you made that one first step and joined, it's not easy you are right. Seeing the truth of it all and admitting is a very important step, in fact the most important one. I am a sex addict as well. Porn for me was either a starter, an appetizer or a dessert. The main course was pretty devastating and did cost me a lot.
    Give yourself a chance and find your way around here, meet buddies and accountability partners, read and grow in wisdom, tools, skills. Then you will thrive (again). One day at a time.
     
    Melkhiresa, Abel100% and Vanquisher12 like this.
  5. Abel100%

    Abel100% Fapstronaut

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    Comportamiento compulsivo:
    Bueno Cada quien puede creer q su hábito fue extremo o moderado, pero si estás cosas han afectado tu vida, y el desarrollo de Personalidad, familia y Profesión . Puede considerarse , por años , estos hábitos si repercuten en uno....
     
  6. It has been almost a week since I have posted and as you can see I've had to reset twice in that period. It is really a testament to this being a problem. After almost 2 years (I'm estimating) I feel as though I should be able to maintain a longer streak than a few days. Still, I am not giving up at all. As I said, I am using NoFap as I am sure many others do as an anonymous forum to give myself some accountability to make and maintain progress towards recovery.

    A little more about me for reference: I am a professional by trade. I've been in the workforce for 10 years now and I'm blessed to be doing well in life. I can modestly say that this is a result of hard work and not a handout, however I am fully aware of how fortunate I am to have the opportunity that I do. I mentioned above that I am lucky in the sense that I am managing to somewhat maintain my career, family, and social life with this issue in the background, but I am fully aware that it is affecting everything. My reasons for wanting to break this habit are the three mentioned, and paramount to all is my family, namely my beautiful wife who is not aware of the full extent of my problem.

    Some more background: I developed sexually similar to most teenage boys would. I began looking at pornography somewhere around 14-15, which I used recreationally with no real consequences or issues for most of my adolescent life. Around 20 years old, I had my first sexual experience with my first serious girlfriend and maintained what I would call a healthy sexual relationship with her for several years. After breaking up with her, I maintained my pornography use and a semi-active sexual lifestyle for about 3-4 years until I met my now wife in 2016. Upon meeting, we sparked our own sexual relationship together which was a little different than those in the past by virtue of her religious views which promoted abstinence until marriage. Neither of us were abstinent but she did make it clear that maintaining a sexual relationship is special to her and not simply an accessory that comes with any relationship. I took this stance to heart, and made a serious effort to treat our sex life as such which is what made me aware of this problem for the first time.

    So at about 27-28 years old, I was having sex occasionally but not too frequently. I then attempted to stop viewing porn and masturbating. This started at my wife's (then girlfriend) request. I found this to be very difficult and could not maintain more than a few days to a week. This struggle has continued (with some highs and lows) for approximately the past two years. About a year before we were married, I let my sexual desires get the best of me and made my wife uncomfortable during a sexual experience with her. This happened on more than one occasion. I won't go into the details but I can describe it as she reluctantly gave in to my advances which did not sit well with her. Likewise, I was extremely disappointed in myself and from that moment on, we abstained from sex until our marriage in the fall of last year.

    My porn and masturbation habits were not suppressed however with our sex life. I continued to struggle again and again with breaking those habits and trying to become abstinent for the betterment of my relationship and future marriage. We were married finally and resumed our sexual relationship, however my habits of porn and masturbation continue to be a problem. Additionally, I have on a couple occasions (although not a seriously as before) made my wife feel pressured into sexual activity, as well as sexualized inappropriate situations with her to fill my compulsive desires. All of that, coupled with the fact that I continue to masturbate compulsively and continue viewing porn, has affected my performance at work, my physical stamina, my motivation, my awareness of my marriage, and I'm sure other important things that I may not yet be aware of.

    With that synopsis of my problem's history in mind, I am acutely aware that this is a problem. It is not my wish to be overly dramatic about this as I realize that I am still very fortunate to have my life together. But I am on here because I don't want to lose it. I may not have a problem by everyone's standards but I do by my standards and it is my wish to change. I've had minor progress on my own in the past but I am ready to redouble my efforts to make this a priority.

    Thank you all again in advance for your support. My apologies for the lengthy post, my personal thanks to anyone who has taken the time to read this and take note of my situation. Any comments or feedback is of course welcome and appreciated. More updates to come.

    Posted on Day 1 of renewed recovery.
     
  7. @NFA753, you are right to get a handle on this now. It will only escalate from here.

    I have a similar story, but struggled for years to get clean, only to fail time after time; and yes, it took me a long time to finally acknowledge that I was/am an addict. Making that admission was very difficult for me, but critical for recovery. Now, (30 years into being addicted), I'm finally starting to make some headway. Don't wait another day to take this seriously. I heard a quote yesterday in one of the podcasts here that really stuck with me: "The best time to quit was 10 years ago. The next best time is today."

    The good news is that there are lots of resources and tools available here. Some need a more rigorous approach than others, but you can determine what will work best for you. Read journals, check out tools and keep posting your thoughts. Every day is a new day. Best,

    BtB
     
    Abel100% likes this.
  8. Abel100%

    Abel100% Fapstronaut

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    Éxitos tienes Varios motivos para Luchar x tu libertad, acá aprendemos que solo se necesita uno: "Yo, respeto y dignidad".
     
  9. Little Porthos

    Little Porthos New Fapstronaut

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    Hi @NFA753 - really appreciate you writing a longer-form post and describing your history and the context/interplay of sex, porn and masturbation in your life. I'm a fellow newbie to this forum (this is literally my first post), I found myself nodding along in recognition of your experience. My wife isn't religious, but life yourself I've been eager to introduce things from porn into our sex life. She'll give it a go, but if it doesn't do it for her then she's happy to leave it alone. Whereas I keep wishing we were incorporating things from porn and then, when we don't, getting frustrated and blaming her for being a 'prude', or 'boring', or 'low in life energy'. And yes - embarrassingly - these are all things I've said to her.

    We are, thankfully, extremely open in our communications and so she calmly questioned my claims/insults and I realised the problem wasn't at all with her and was definitely with me. We had a frank and friendly chat today about my unhappiness with my relationship towards sex. I use it to gratify myself and feel desired/wanted, an issue stemming from underachieving in other areas of my life (mainly career - where I'm doing OK, but far below my potential) and low levels of confidence about my own desirability. We agreed I'd abstain from all sexual activity for two weeks (not very long I know, but I wanted something manageable. I'm hoping the 2 weeks will become longer), check-in with her during the day about how I'm feeling about sex, go for a run when it gets too much for me and join a community (NoFap) to give and receive support. All of these were successful strategies in my first few weeks without alcohol (7 months sober!), which had also become a huge problem for me and, inevitably, my wife and kids.

    Sorry to vent, first post enthusiasm! Basically, thank you for posting, you really helped me feel less lonely.
     
  10. Thank you to all who have commented, liked, etc. That's what this community is all about in my own opinion and it is quite encouraging to hear from anyone and everyone.

    I feel compelled to comment on recent relapses I've experienced which continue to make me feel as though I am stuck in a failure cycle. I could recount each time how it has negatively affected my life, mostly in subtle ways thankfully, but affected it none-the-less. One such event occurred yesterday and again this morning where I could not resist the urge to search for porn and masturbate. Truly, I am very embarrassed to even have to type this to an anonymous group of people. But that's what this forum is for, and I thought it would be beneficial to me and hopefully others to walk through my recovery process after such a relapse. Let me preface by saying comments, questions, and criticism are more than welcome.

    Having relapsed for countless times before, I always find myself growing very tired afterwards. At each relapse event, it feels as though I am tired of fighting this habit. It is usually followed by a moment of shame and despair (which I like to call "self-pity") before a truly potent fatigue sets in. I'm sure there are many on this site that can relate to this feeling. One of the hardest parts of this addiction is moving on from a relapse or a reset and back to recovery (as I'm sure it is for most addictions).

    I've realized with some trial and error, that I am not tired of fighting. I am tired of the negative consequences of this habit. The shame, and sinking feeling of failure are chemical reactions in the brain that specifically take place as a result of the problematic behavior. The little pity party that I throw myself is no different than a toddler throwing a tantrum. The fatigue too is a result of the chemical flood on the brain. While I am not a chemist nor a doctor, I'm know definitively that these elements of "failure cycle" are a complete waste of my energy and time.

    My advise to myself after relapsing and anyone who cares to listen is to GET OVER IT. I say this to myself in the harshest of tones as my mother and father would say to me if I were to throw a tantrum in front of them. Of course I am no expert, and I am really in the infancy of recovery. So my advice is more for myself than anyone else, but I do hope it encourages someone other than me. In any case, I am not a quitter and I would venture to say that anyone in this community is not either. I've thought about this after every relapse and used this to pick myself up and continue the fight each time, and will continue until the very last time I relapse. And I have 100% certainty that I will overcome this habit and fully recover despite my most recent setbacks and any setback before that. Progress is coming and breakthroughs are right around the corner.

    Written unfortunately on Day 0... But not for long...
     
  11. Beekind

    Beekind Fapstronaut

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    Don't stop until you succeed.
    We all did it this way.
    Hundreds and hundreds of relapses.
    With every relapse you know something new about yourself.
     
  12. Meshuga

    Meshuga Fapstronaut

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    Okay @NFA753 , I'm going to be super real, maybe a little harsh, but I 100% have your best interests in mind and heart.

    Quit pussyfooting around with this. As long as you aren't serious, taking the steps strongly recommended by NoFap and vetted by hundreds of us, you aren't likely to build a significant streak. You clearly feel bad enough about this thing to mope around and complain about it. Now you need to commit to defeating it.

    1. Get a journal, and write in it every day. Quit popping in to report a reset, then vanishing again and calling it "accountability." Write when the urges come, what triggers them, and what you are doing to ride them out and head them off next time. When you consistently journal this, you create a log where you see patterns emerge. You get a tighter view on your specific triggers (I can probably tell you what they are but you need to learn them yourself), and you refine your personalized plan of action for next time. This is keeping yourself personally accountable.
    2. Get an experienced Fapstronaut to stay on top of your journal, and give you some pointers on what to do next. This is outside accountability.
    3. Learn exactly how involved your wife wants to be. She already knows you've used P, my guess is she knows you still use it, and I think she'll probably be encouraged that you are finally taking this seriously and are trying to fix the problem. Educate yourself on P addiction, and try to make sure she understands as well because SOs tend to have a lot of misconceptions about how men use/abuse P and think of it as a failing on their part, or take it as a personal betrayal where you clearly never intended that. Get on the same page with your wife, and if she's willing, check in with her every day as well.
    Compared to where a lot of men are, you have a mild case of addiction/dependence. It will still ruin your marriage if you let it persist. This is a fixable problem, but it's not easy and you can't beat it with this casual, check in every week or so to moan about your lack of progress and how bad you feel. Man up and do what needs to be done, for your sake, and for hers.
     
    NFA753 and Strongman 125 like this.
  13. Thanks to all for the continued comments. They are much appreciated and very helpful.

    I'm happy to say I've been successful in maintaining some discipline since my last post. One strategy that has worked better now than previously is looking at this challenge day by day or sometimes even hour by hour. The overall goal is of course the same - to overcome my sexual dependency, but managing it day to day reminds me that it is much more achievable than I previously thought.

    Another strategy mentioned by others above that I have maintained for some time is a personal journal, which I keep daily. Historically, I am pretty consistent in keeping an entry per day but with some gaps. Lately, I have found myself jotting down my thoughts more consistently which is helpful to keeping my goals in the forefront of my mind.

    I realize I've just scratched the surface, but I feel good at 5 days today. Looking forward to really making progress toward the reboot!
     
    FallingPetals and Meshuga like this.
  14. BrighterFuture

    BrighterFuture Fapstronaut

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    Hey man keep on posting It's really good to hear you joined us, you're on the right track and I would recommend you to read more journals and posts people write here on the Nofap, you will definitely be influenced and even learn new methods and ways to overcome this addiction, best of luck.
     
    NFA753 likes this.
  15. I'm disappointed in myself. I continue to relapse with what feels like no progress.
    All it takes is a couple of days when I start to feel legitimately better, but I fall off a cliff with the smallest bit of temptation every time. I'm just frustrated with myself.
    It is not possible to remove all sexual stimulation from life. At least not if you want to continue going to work, they gym, social events, etc. but I need to figure out how to deal with the temptation/stimulation without acting on it. If anyone has a suggestion for some mental exercises on how to deal with this problem, I'm all ears...
    Thanks in advance
     
  16. BrighterFuture

    BrighterFuture Fapstronaut

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    don't be frustrated or mad at anyone, specially yourself, here on Nofap we are all facing similar problems like you, actually forget I said problems.. challenges seems more fitting. that's why share knowledge and most of us have journals here, to beat the challenge and to feel less worse along the way, I recommend you to start your own journal and tells how you feel toward yourself, hope it helps.
     
    NFA753 likes this.

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