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Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by TheProdigalSon, Jan 12, 2020.

  1. TheProdigalSon

    TheProdigalSon Fapstronaut

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    In the aftermath of my broken steaks, I have noticed a major contributor to these results. After using willpower to fight the PMO urges again and again, there comes a point where I get tired of fighting. This point I will basically tell myself I actually want this (PMO). This has been most likely every single time I have fell.

    My question is what can I do to genuinely change my mind towards what I want to believe? Keep in mind, attempting to remember past feelings of PMO has been ineffective for me because in the moment, all I care about is that PMO high (thank God I don’t so drugs because this is the worst mentality to combat drug abuse).
     
  2. Fenix Rising

    Fenix Rising Fapstronaut

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    What you just described is called ego fatigue. You can't beat addiction relying on willpower alone. I could explain neuroscience behind it, but it would ba a long read (read dr. Mark Lewis: Biology of desire if you're interested). The basic point is that abstention means hard work for addicted brain and brain gets tired and eventually fails just like any muscle in your body when you stress is too much. The good news is that you can trick your brain into "forgetting" to give you cravings. How do you do that? Human brain sucks at multitasking. It will not be able to focus on addiction if you give it some task YOU'd LIKE to achieve. Giving yourself and completing meaningful tasks on daily basis will keep your brain occupied and thus not being able to focus on producing cravings you'd have to resist. That's how you avoid ego fatigue until addiction neurological pathway goes in dormant state (6-11 months on average, 17 months max if you're unlucky).
     
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2020
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  3. Jerseyguy1963

    Jerseyguy1963 Fapstronaut

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    I like the above answer.

    you need to change your thoughts and beliefs about porn to change the behavior.

    You’ve got to believe that porn is disgusting.

    That’s when I finally quit alcohol. I changed what I believe about it.

    I no longer thought, “This sucks! I know it’ll kill me. But, it would be awesome to have a beer.”

    No.

    I changed how I viewed myself.

    I was now a guy who goes to the gym and drinks mineral water. I was a health guy.

    Drinking was disgusting. It was like drinking vomit.

    I would look at people drinking and think, “Such losers.”

    I was losing weight and gaining muscle and getting the girls.

    It was a change in how I viewed myself.

    Now, both of us have to view porn that way. It’s disgusting.

    Not because it’s somehow immoral. But, rather because it unmans you and turns us into eunuchs.

    Once you believe that, it’ll become easy.

    My urges for porn are already starting to fade.
     
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  4. I can definitely relate to your post - that I fight the battle until the part of me that wants sobriety is exhausted and then all I want is the high and it doesn't seem like anything is blocking the door. I also like Fenix's answer - get busy with things, keep your mind occupied. Also, I think its been helpful for me to list out triggers and recognize when Im in those situations. For example, returning from a trip, a low moment with my partner, boredom, being in my basement, etc. It helps me recognize what is going on when I suddenly have a major craving that seems like the only thing to do is to satisfy it. If I can see the trigger, it becomes harder to deny that its a momentary reaction to something in my environment and that it will pass.

    I also think what helps is putting some real blocks to make use harder. For example, I installed K-9 on my home computer, made the password impossible to remember, and wrote it down and then stashed it at work. I also did this with my work computer. Now, I can still access porn if I want on other devices but its not as convenient and sometimes that is the thing that helps me avoid it. Similar to an alcoholic who removes all the alcohol from their home and moves out of walking distance of bars or liquor stores. Sure, they can still access it if they want but this minor change often helps them overcome significant in-the-moment cravings. I have no idea what your setup is, but if you can make use less convenient I think it will help.
     
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  5. Jerseyguy1963

    Jerseyguy1963 Fapstronaut

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    Everyone is different.

    But, I did none of that.

    The alcohol that was in my house 21 years ago is still there - untouched in all that time.

    For me at least, i needed to change how i view alcohol and porn so that i dont want it.

    It's become a matter of pride that i can have those things whenever i want them.

    I dont want them. They are disgusting.
     
  6. I like your approach Jersey - I just know I don't have that kind of willpower. I admire your ability to have things around and not use them. I have given up on that method for myself (however I have known alcoholics who said same as you - they had it around and were able to change their beliefs and relationship with it). I will have to think about how I can change my beliefs about porn - its a good idea and one that I think will likely have to be employed.
     
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  7. Jerseyguy1963

    Jerseyguy1963 Fapstronaut

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    Can you get to a Smart meeting? Denver must have a bunch of them. They will help you to do exactly as I have suggested.

    I haven't been in the last 13 years. I haven't needed to. I've done the work. But, now I wonder if I should go back for a few.

    I haven't struggled to stop. I had strong urges early on. But, they are fadingmas I work to change how I think about porn.
     
  8. I had never heard of SMART meetings before which is odd since Im relatively hooked into the recovery culture. Just looked them up - thanks for the tip! Looks quite good!
     
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  9. Ezpz

    Ezpz Fapstronaut

    This is 100% true and i agree with all of it, though i would like to say that this approach did not work for me. There are times when we will simply have nothing to do, or times when we are too tired or times when we are emotionally charged etc.

    For me, i had to become the person who no longer engaged in PMO. That meant that everytime an urge came up, i would tell myself something like "No, i dont do this anymore, PMO is not an option". At the start it takes practice but after a few weeks it gets easier. I believe you use less willpower because you're cutting the urge off before it really happens. I spend a lot of time alone at home and also have a lot of time off work so im bored often, with zero chance of relapse because i know that i wont go back.

    Being busy is useful, but in my opinion learning how to be bored and trust yourself is invaluable
     
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  10. Fenix Rising

    Fenix Rising Fapstronaut

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    Yes, you have to first accept that PMO is off the table for life no matter what. Once you do that, you can start searching and working on new activities you'd like to replace PMO with. Your brain needs to know that whatever trick throws at you, it won't succeed in tricking you back to addiction. If you allow yourself to doubt just a bit about your life long commitment, you'll fail. I'm not saying that slips/relapses won't happen ever again, but it's important to maintain done for good mindset nevertheless. That's why I have a preplan what to do in case of a slip. So even if a slip happens, I have steps in place to prevent it from becoming full blown relapse. I have to basically leave everything, call my boss and tell him I'm gonna be off work for 3 days, take a backpack and go hiking for 3 days to clear my head and analyze why did the slip occur. IF I manage to do that and not allow myself to slip for another 3 months, I'm allowed to not reset my progress. I call this "on probation" period. Shit happens in life, no one is perfect, what matters the most is how we react to it.
     
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2020
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