Nextians Journal

[Nextian]

Hey everybody,

starting off my journal with bit of insight about me and my life.

I am 33 years old, married since 3 years (in October) and related with my wife since 6 years.
Got a long long past (as the most of us here) with PM since about 20 years and it has taken its toll.
Sorry for getting a bit more explicit, but I usually don't get any morning wood and have PIED pretty badly.

Now I decided to tackle my issues as my marriage is very burdened meanwhile.

My wife and I had a serious conversation on 19th of July about what is wrong in our relationship. Its a few things (which I am working on currently) as well as the physical part.
Told her that I am working on this with a reboot. I relapsed 2 times - which I lied about. And she found out only a few days ago.

She said that she wouldnt be mad about the relapse if I would have told her openly (as we already had a great open conversation as stated above).
But she is mad and disappointed about me lying about it - which I can absolutely understand. I feel like a pile of shit, not worthy, not enough.

Then the day before yesterday we had tickets for a show in a theatre and afterwards I took her stargazing (a lot of shooting stars that night).
That was so romantic and she enjoyed that a lot. The anger and disappointment eased and it seems everything went back to a normal state.
Still, a few sentences from our conversation are taking turns in my mind:

"You are a liar."
"I cannot trust you fully anymore."
"I thought we had a better communication after all."

Those are things I need to cope with as assume, because the damage is already done and time machines are not yet functional.
I HATE that I lied to her. I hate myself for that - I thought that I have a stronger mentality and values.

However. This is my journal about quitting PM(O) and I am going for 90 days (at least!).

 

[Nextian]

Day 3

The first 2 official days passed by quite smoothly without any temptation to act out. A lot of stuff is going on in my mind currently. I need need to break habits as soon as I see them appear.
I am actively avoiding social media, even though I get bored sometimes and want to death scroll. I reduce the time I take on the toilet (think thats a mens problem?) by not taking my phone with me anymore.

I have a question that came to my mind yesterday evening and I hope some of you may know the topic. Beginning of this year we went to a tantric massage - we both liked it a lot. Now wifey plans to have another in October.
1. Does that count into PM(O)?
2. Is that maybe a good thing if I am well into my reboot? Most say about this kind of massage that it releases a lot of sexual energy. Kind of scared about the chaser as well though.

 

[Warren of fleabags]

Day 3

The first 2 official days passed by quite smoothly without any temptation to act out. A lot of stuff is going on in my mind currently. I need need to break habits as soon as I see them appear.
I am actively avoiding social media, even though I get bored sometimes and want to death scroll. I reduce the time I take on the toilet (think thats a mens problem?) by not taking my phone with me anymore.

I have a question that came to my mind yesterday evening and I hope some of you may know the topic. Beginning of this year we went to a tantric massage - we both liked it a lot. Now wifey plans to have another in October.
1. Does that count into PM(O)?
2. Is that maybe a good thing if I am well into my reboot? Most say about this kind of massage that it releases a lot of sexual energy. Kind of scared about the chaser as well though.

With regards to the phone, I have had to go further and put it to one side for most of the day. I allow myself some time in the morning for emails and checking up on NoFap and then I only look at it if it’s absolutely necessary. The phone was just an easy access for me.

In terms of the other thing you mentioned, only you can really determine whether this would be a hindrance. Your journey in this is a personal one - everyone takes it differently. The fact that you are with your wife is, I guess, a plus but I wouldn’t be able to say for certain.

Great to read your journal.

 

[Nextian]

With regards to the phone, I have had to go further and put it to one side for most of the day. I allow myself some time in the morning for emails and checking up on NoFap and then I only look at it if it’s absolutely necessary. The phone was just an easy access for me.

In terms of the other thing you mentioned, only you can really determine whether this would be a hindrance. Your journey in this is a personal one - everyone takes it differently. The fact that you are with your wife is, I guess, a plus but I wouldn’t be able to say for certain.

Great to read your journal.

I thought about blocking my usual sites, to get reminded and to have a harder time doing so. Completely leaving my mobile for the day doesnt really work for me.
She said we can check spontaneosly still, which is good. I think I will leave that thought for now and work it as soon as October comes closer.

Appreciate your feedback!

 

[Nextian]

Day 4

Feeling well rested, had a great amount of sleep. I dreamed about PM this night. Very extreme how that can touch every aspect of your life without you even noticing sometimes.
Havent relapsed --> great stuff!

Maybe my wife gets the chance to go for a vacation with her bestie next year February, she is really exited about that currently. Today is the decision it seems - crossing fingers!
Other than that, it will be a pretty normal day. We mucked out our basement recently, and still a lot of bags and other garbage is waiting to get taken upstairs today.
Will be nice and tidy after all. Looking forward to that!

Have great day folks, its yours.

 

[Nextian]

Day 5

Yesterday I opened up to a close friend of mine. He took that very seriously and asked some questions about it. I told him everything and he wants to have updates from time to time how I am doing.
That felt very weird, havent talked about that so openly ever. But it was a good feeling to have somebody to turn to if things go sideways.

Wifey booked her vacation with her bestie - I am SO HAPPY for them, that is the first time the spend time together somewhere else than here, after about 15 years!

Today will be quite planning intensive I assume as we go for a little festival tomorrow.
Other than that no appointments and it's friday baby!

Have a wonderful weekend everybody!

 

[The Shift]

Day 4

Feeling well rested, had a great amount of sleep. I dreamed about PM this night. Very extreme how that can touch every aspect of your life without you even noticing sometimes.
Havent relapsed --> great stuff!

Maybe my wife gets the chance to go for a vacation with her bestie next year February, she is really exited about that currently. Today is the decision it seems - crossing fingers!
Other than that, it will be a pretty normal day. We mucked out our basement recently, and still a lot of bags and other garbage is waiting to get taken upstairs today.
Will be nice and tidy after all. Looking forward to that!

Have great day folks, its yours.

Day 5

Yesterday I opened up to a close friend of mine. He took that very seriously and asked some questions about it. I told him everything and he wants to have updates from time to time how I am doing.
That felt very weird, havent talked about that so openly ever. But it was a good feeling to have somebody to turn to if things go sideways.

Wifey booked her vacation with her bestie - I am SO HAPPY for them, that is the first time the spend time together somewhere else than here, after about 15 years!

Today will be quite planning intensive I assume as we go for a little festival tomorrow.
Other than that no appointments and it's friday baby!

Have a wonderful weekend everybody!

Doing great. Reaching out to a friend was one of the best things I’ve done thus far. Don’t fight the devil in the dark. Well done!

back to the blockers. My phone has always been my worst enemy even beyond PMO it’s just become an Idol for a lot of people and we worship our phones. I put a pretty large amount of blockers on my phone and gave my wife the password privileges haha. She keeps me informed on social media stuff and I listen to podcasts etc to get my information for hobbies etc. the first two weeks were like a damn withdrawal period and I hated it but I genuinely feel so much better mentally recently that I may make this a permanent thing. I’m motivated and pursuing interests that involve more time equity than I was willing to give before purging my phone usage. My screen time has dropped (work not included) by nearly 4-5 hours a day… that’s a massive chunk of time per day. I won’t say it’s required because that may be too much depending on your needs but man I fully endorse the good feelings from doing it!

 

[Real Jerry Seinfeld]

As you've probably worked out, being honest about relapses is probably the way to go. This will help keep you motivated as well as you'll be aware in moments of temptation that you'll have to pay the piper.

You've twice mentioned this trip your wife is taking. Any misgivings about it given your current situation?

 

[Nextian]

Doing great. Reaching out to a friend was one of the best things I’ve done thus far. Don’t fight the devil in the dark. Well done!

back to the blockers. My phone has always been my worst enemy even beyond PMO it’s just become an Idol for a lot of people and we worship our phones. I put a pretty large amount of blockers on my phone and gave my wife the password privileges haha. She keeps me informed on social media stuff and I listen to podcasts etc to get my information for hobbies etc. the first two weeks were like a damn withdrawal period and I hated it but I genuinely feel so much better mentally recently that I may make this a permanent thing. I’m motivated and pursuing interests that involve more time equity than I was willing to give before purging my phone usage. My screen time has dropped (work not included) by nearly 4-5 hours a day… that’s a massive chunk of time per day. I won’t say it’s required because that may be too much depending on your needs but man I fully endorse the good feelings from doing it!

Thanks for that, I already feel relieved as I cut it down quite a bit already - just very occationally scrolling, but not for long as my brain starts to ask me "Why are you doing this?" and the most honest anwer I can give is "Because I am used to it.". Not even that I am bored, its a bad habit that sneaked in years ago.

As you've probably worked out, being honest about relapses is probably the way to go. This will help keep you motivated as well as you'll be aware in moments of temptation that you'll have to pay the piper.

You've twice mentioned this trip your wife is taking. Any misgivings about it given your current situation?

No misgivings or bad thoughts, only happiness because its the first time she is doing something like it. Wifey has a deadly disease unfortunately, so I enjoy that she can see the world as long as she is fine - with or without me, either way.
I actually booked a week off with my best friend in the same time frame she is on her trip - will be great!

 

[Nextian]

Day 8

We had an awesome weekend! Not as planning intense as I thought it would be on Friday. We even went out for dinner that night, Persian food (absolutely recommended, so tasty!).
Saturday came and we went on the 5h trip to the mini-festival. The headliner was the worst of all actually, but we had a fun time with a bit of dancing and day drinking (still exhausted after, because we stood the whole time - about 9h after the long drive...).
Went for breakfast on Sunday and drove home, where we then cuddled on the couch and almost fell asleep together.

All in all a fantastic weekend with a lot of laughs and cuddles and kisses. I still cannot believe that I lied to her about my addiction - the mentioned sentences are still burned into my brain...

Saturday night I dreamed about M and I went into panic mode until I realized that it was a dream. Very awkward dreaming about that... Guess my brain starts to process that I quit PMO already?

Have a great week folks!

 

[Nextian]

Day 10

Whooop - double digits! I was soooo tempted to relapse yesterday evening. It was a very stressful day with a lot of work (and meetings which could have been a short mail duh) and a lot of chores during the day and evening as well.
So I guess one of my triggers is stress - my brain wants that dopamine to be released into my system so that I feel better. NO SIR - wont happen!
It feels like I am slowly learning and building up like a instruction manual for my body... "If that happens, press this button."

Since a few days now my throat is sore again without any signs of illness - kind of weird, will see what happens.
And a lot of parts of my body are sore as well as I hit the gym after 2,5 weeks of pause! Feels good to be back!

Wifey and I are currently ABC-Dating and she is in the line with an F-Date - it seems all is planned and only waiting for next week Saturday to get going - so exited!
We kissed a lot yesterday - I love that, she is a great kisser.

Have a good day everyone!

 

[The Shift]

Day 10

Whooop - double digits! I was soooo tempted to relapse yesterday evening. It was a very stressful day with a lot of work (and meetings which could have been a short mail duh) and a lot of chores during the day and evening as well.
So I guess one of my triggers is stress - my brain wants that dopamine to be released into my system so that I feel better. NO SIR - wont happen!
It feels like I am slowly learning and building up like a instruction manual for my body... "If that happens, press this button."

Since a few days now my throat is sore again without any signs of illness - kind of weird, will see what happens.
And a lot of parts of my body are sore as well as I hit the gym after 2,5 weeks of pause! Feels good to be back!

Wifey and I are currently ABC-Dating and she is in the line with an F-Date - it seems all is planned and only waiting for next week Saturday to get going - so exited!
We kissed a lot yesterday - I love that, she is a great kisser.

Have a good day everyone!

Congrats!! That’s an awesome milestone and you’ve already got a taste to curb those urges! Well done!

side note what’s ABC dating? That sounds intriguing and always looking for new ways to engage with my Wife

 

[Warren of fleabags]

Congratulations on hitting the ten day mark and for recognising another of your triggers. The more you spot, the greater your chances will be of being vigilant of not acting out.

 

[Nextian]

Congrats!! That’s an awesome milestone and you’ve already got a taste to curb those urges! Well done!

side note what’s ABC dating? That sounds intriguing and always looking for new ways to engage with my Wife

Thank you very much!

ABC dating sounds simple but you need to make a lot of thoughts around it:
One of you starting with the letter "A", then the partner with "B", the other with "C" and so on...
Your partner only knows that its your turn to plan something date(-ish) with the letter "A" for example. What you plan could be ANYTHING really, just needs to start with "A".
If you planned, arange the "A" date with your partner but dont tell her what it is, it should be a surprise! Sorry, my explanation skill is horrible + I am hung over from yesterday night...

Congratulations on hitting the ten day mark and for recognising another of your triggers. The more you spot, the greater your chances will be of being vigilant of not acting out.

Thank you so much!

 

[Nextian]

Day 12

We had a blast last night! Went to a small event (18 folks) in the location where we got married (was a free wedding) and had awesome food and wine (a lot... like, a LOT).
It was a great evening and we had a nice conversation in the car afterwards.

On the PMO front, nothing major to report... No urges since Wednesday!

Have a great weekend everybody!

 

[Nextian]

Day 13

My wife and I haven't got intimate for about a year. Not anything. She for herself and I obviously for myself. The whole time.

Today I thought about giving her a bit of pleasure, and only her. The timing has been perfect, as we have quite some time left before we need to leave the house, so I thought 'lets see how that works out'.

After she took a shower I 'kidnapped' her to the couch and asked her if I may get intimate with her. She said that she is not in the mood, which is absolutely understandable so we just went outside for a smoke. I explained that I am working on getting more physical in our marriage again and that I thought a spontaneous kidnap would be a great way to initiate something.
She said the idea was great but the timing wasn't. She has pretty sensitive skin and need to take care of her skin first, her hair was still wet and she would have a mess on her head which wouldn't be easy to handle afterwards. I understood that and we agreed on having to plan getting intimate for the beginning - so we can kind of 'prepare' for each other if that makes sense? At least for the first time getting into things again.
I like that! She was so very honest with me and I appreciate that a lot. Having open conversations with her helps me getting my thoughts sorted.

What I now realized is that 1. I have difficulties to cope with 'rejection' on this topic, as gentle it might was and 2. that I have (once again) been very egoistic about her feelings in a way...

But all in all a good experience I guess and a lot to learn again! The most difficult part for me is to find the best timing for us. Glad we spoke about that we both need to learn again and letting the partner know verbally for now when the timing would fit.

Thought I'd share with you folks. Have a great weekend everyone!

 

[Real Jerry Seinfeld]

Sorry to hear reigniting intimacy didn't get off to the start you hoped. Did you manage to make a plan as to when you'll reconnect in that way?

 

[Nextian]

Sorry to hear reigniting intimacy didn't get off to the start you hoped. Did you manage to make a plan as to when you'll reconnect in that way?

Thanks mate. Not too bad really more of a new situation to learn and keep up with. And yeap, kind of next week-ish already. Just hope there is not too much shit going on and we are both in a good mood.

 

[Warren of fleabags]

I relate to you massively with regards to the feeling of rejection with intimacy. In the end, those moments of perfect unity between two people has to be reciprocated. I quite regularly try my luck but don’t do it incredibly subtly. Then I feel bad about myself and worry that she thinks all I see of her is a piece of meat.

 

[The Shift]

I relate to you massively with regards to the feeling of rejection with intimacy. In the end, those moments of perfect unity between two people has to be reciprocated. I quite regularly try my luck but don’t do it incredibly subtly. Then I feel bad about myself and worry that she thinks all I see of her is a piece of meat.

Same here. It was one of the first triggers I noticed and it hits hard. No one likes to be rejected but when you’ve been ODing on dopamine for a long period it just seems like it’s a world shatterer.

I have to remind myself that my wife is her own person with her own set of insecurities and issues and sometimes the timing is just not there. Talk talk talk be open and vulnerable has been my goal to build intimacy back into our everyday lives beyond the bedroom and it’s helped a fair bit but I still come on too strong at times because damn she looks good and I want her to know she does still rile me up at the drop of a hat