Nextians Journal

[Sad_wife]

Well, I guess I don't get the most likes Award today. I do actually appreciate you being honest about the details of what's going on with you and your relationship. Sorry for being so abrupt.

Anyways, here's my first concern




So first, she gaslights you into thinking that the timing wasn't right. And when you hold her up to that, and start planning for sexual intimacy in the near future, she later responds with she's currently not ready. Which I interpret as another load of more gaslighting. I think she's hiding the real truth.

I find this terrible. But I can see why she does this. Because she, at times, has enjoyed some parts of the relationship such as the financial security, the companionship, the comfort in the form of dates and kissing. But I think the real reason that she doesn't have sex with you is because she doesn't want to. Because she's not sexually attracted to you. And because she knows that this truth would potentially hurt for you to hear, which would threaten the relationship, she instead gaslights you into thinking that there is hope for sexual intimacy and keeps you invested in the relationship.

I have a bunch of other thoughts and concerns. But before I choose to continue, I want to know what you and others think so far.

I mean… those are valid points. She actually might just be not ready too.

My weakness is not being able to turn my husband down. My x on the other hand… nope. I didn’t gaslight him though. I told him I didn’t enjoy sex at all. Which was my truth. And after getting out of the relationship and reflecting I was never attracted to him. I’ve never been really attracted to anyone except my current husband. It may sound odd. But it’s true. I mean I saw some people as attractive but was not turned on. If that makes sense.

 

[Nextian]

Day 78

Not relapsed and not anywhere close to currently.
That post will be kind of a different one than the usual (if someone can already speak of a "usual post" after 78 days and not anywhere as much posts ).

A bit of an update about our current situation:

First of all, I forgot to mention in that whole story that we booked a room from Thursday night until Sunday because its a 5h drive from where we live to the place we wanted to go and wanted to do other stuff outside of our appointments, so thats that.

I only asked her on Friday morning (day of the appointment) if she is okay with me cancelling the appointment.
Now happend what you all already expected - we had quite a strong argument about me not cancelling the appointments so far and tried to explain how I felt in the situation (what actually made it worse, as I was like so often at a loss of words). She later told me to cancel her appointment as well and we went back home on that very evening. Long story short, my place to stay currently is at my best man home (who is SUPER supportive for the situation my wife and I are in) because obviously, I offered that I give her space to breathe and she took that offer.

My very first post in that journal refers to other things, that are wrong in our marriage.

My wife and I had a serious conversation on 19th of July about what is wrong in our relationship. Its a few things (which I am working on currently) as well as the physical part.

Actually its... Well, EVERYTHING else a good marriage is made of. And everything thats wrong literally is my fault (not only so to say)!
But that doesnt belong here, as I am healing from my addiction and thats a different story I guess. Thats why I wanted to tell you all, that I will close this discussion around the tantric thingy and my marriage and switch topics to about how my recovery goes again. Maybe I am posting an update from time to time about us. Not sure yet.

For those of you that still have a spouse, a partner, or similar and you are here in that forum and healing.
Please make sure to give your better half some love right now.

If any of you have questions or comments about the tantric story you feel need to reach me still - PM me please instead of posting a new reply.

Thank you and
have a great week everyone!

 

[Nextian]

Day 79

Short sleep this night, dreamed the weirdest stuff in a row. No temptations at all currently, even though I am going through something very difficult. Makes me think that I don't have the urge to act out if I work on myself constantly?

However, I cannot stop thinking about 2 quotes. The first very well known I think:

"I know you are sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day.
Instead, I advise you to simply have a day. Feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes and don't give up on you just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."

And the 2nd from a song my lady loves:

"I've got qualities that I'm not proud of,
I've made promises that I walked out on,
I've had days I feel I don't deserve love,
so think what you think,
just don't call me a mistake."

Guess I am quite a drama boy here.
Anyway, wanted to share with you - maybe you can make use of them yourself.

Until then, have a day.

 

[Sad_wife]

Day 79

Short sleep this night, dreamed the weirdest stuff in a row. No temptations at all currently, even though I am going through something very difficult. Makes me think that I don't have the urge to act out if I work on myself constantly?

However, I cannot stop thinking about 2 quotes. The first very well known I think:

"I know you are sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day.
Instead, I advise you to simply have a day. Feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes and don't give up on you just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."

And the 2nd from a song my lady loves:

"I've got qualities that I'm not proud of,
I've made promises that I walked out on,
I've had days I feel I don't deserve love,
so think what you think,
just don't call me a mistake."

Guess I am quite a drama boy here.
Anyway, wanted to share with you - maybe you can make use of them yourself.

Until then, have a day.

This was very inspiring for me. Thank you.

 

[Nextian]

Day 80

Days currently pass by very slowly which normally leads to boredom for me if its one of those "chewy" days.
I dont let boredom get me anymore - I do productive stuff everytime I think "Oh, close to bordom." time to do something and then I am thinking of something that either helps someone else or myself. Thats good!

I actually bought all 3 book recommendations you shared lately. Arriving tomorrow. Can't be wrong to read them (or at least have them if boredom gets me - as you can see, not my favourite thing to do yet. I'll get there. ).

No urges, no temptations. Just missing my wife. Caugth myself calling her "home" instead of our flat - noticed, and left it as it was.
Back in the days I often told her that she is my home. Love that thought actually.

Have a good rest of your week!

 

[Nextian]

Day 85

Need to get myself together with posting regularly! No temptations, no thoughts - I think I am on a good way healing wise in this part of my journey.

So much is going on in my head currently. Need to sort stuff out, work on myself and get my SHIT together. I started being interested in my environment again, with a little push from my friend. Feels good.

I realized that I am not the guy I think I am. Need to work that out. I notoriously take parts of someone else's character or personality and make them fit for me. I built my consciousness how I would like to see myself or be seen.

Not good.

Have great start of your week!

 

[Nextian]

Day 86

Short one today. No temptations, no urges, nothing at all.

I am trying to rebuild habits, which I had in the past and lost along the way and get rid of habits which I know are no good for me or distract me from stuff I need to do.

Have a good day and stay focused!

 

[Nextian]

Day 87

No urge or temptations. Today I am focusing to further break my habits and concentrate on my new daily routines which I need to have to keep pounding and work on my long list of issues.

I appreciate all the patience with me of my wife, my friends and my environment. I couldn't be more blessed currently. Even though I am a complete failure and nervous wreck, they try to help. Even though I let ALL of them down big time throughout the past years, they are here.

Things I am thankful for today:
The undeserved patience of everything around me
My wonderful wife, which I was to blind to see
Coffee still gets me awake after long nights

Things I hope for today:
Finding answers to questions I have
Going to bed early enough, to have power tomorrow
A message from my wife

Have a great rest of your week!

 

[Sanitarium]

I see a shift in your postings.... a positive shift actually, even thought you still blame yourself for "being a failure".
I love how you have extended your regular: "my wonderful wife" to "my wonderful wife, which I was too blind to see". Also I love this one - "going to bed early to have power tomorrow". You are in the powerful moment when you stop humilitating and blame yourself and, instead, you look forward (tomorrow), build positivity (to have power), open your eyes wider (was blind to see) and realize the people around you are there for you.
We're not alone. Stay strong. Have a great day you too!

 

[Nextian]

Day 88

Feeling good today, haven't had a great amount of sleep - but for a good reason, where I am very happy about. So, no issues with it!

Today I have an appointment with the second option of a therapy for me. Good.

Hope to get a lot of stuff done, quite a lot which I have written down on my To-Do's for today.

I am on my way hope - I am catching up with you - I feel it!

I see a shift in your postings.... a positive shift actually, even thought you still blame yourself for "being a failure".
I love how you have extended your regular: "my wonderful wife" to "my wonderful wife, which I was too blind to see". Also I love this one - "going to bed early to have power tomorrow". You are in the powerful moment when you stop humilitating and blame yourself and, instead, you look forward (tomorrow), build positivity (to have power), open your eyes wider (was blind to see) and realize the people around you are there for you.
We're not alone. Stay strong. Have a great day you too!

Thank you very much for your kind words, made me smile! Need to work on not living in guilt and regret anymore but look into the future, you are right with that. That is something I still need to work on, easier said than done unfortunately...

Things I am thankful for today:
Patience with me, because I was shown the same externally
Positive thoughts and an activity next week I am exited about
My wife, who wants to help everybody even though they fcked up badly

Things I hope for today:
Finding answers to questions I have about myself and my relationship
A good conversation with a therapist
Having all done what I want to do today

Have a good day you all!

 

[Nextian]

Day 89

Yesterday was tough all in all. Very exhaustive.
Made steps forward in terms of my marriage, but a step backwards as well yesterday. I can feel the pressure coming back - need to get rid of that ffs!

Today evening I get a haircut (finally), get my wife's favourite pizza and drive to our flat. Maybe we can eat together - if she is not at home, so be it.

Things I am thankful for today:
Coffee
Friends are still friends
My wife, who opens my eyes more and more

Things I hope for today:
My wife being at home / letting me in this evening
Have the power and mindset to really DO stuff
Progress after all

Have good start of your weekend everyone!

 

[Nextian]

Day 90

The 90 day mark doesn't really feel like a big deal anymore. It was so far away in the beginning, and now days pass by easily without even thinking about PM. I think that's a win!

That mark means as well, that I need to update my goals I guess? Need to have a think about that one.

Small update on my situation:
Still living in my best mans flat, I am doing progress with myself by building healthy habits and trying to figure out who I am. Started reading again a few days ago, need to say I missed it.
Relationship wise, I know what she needs and expects from me - and I thought I can show her that. But every decision or move I make is wrong it seems or even making it worse. I f'ed up again by not letting her know that I will be late (difficult situation to explain, so I just won't) and she lost it. She needs her space now I assume, meaning I will not text her, not hear her beautiful voice for days or even weeks perhaps. I continue to work on the answers she deserve to finally start her healing process and work on myself.

@Sad_wife
No more Mr. Nice Guy is scary to read. 80% (possibly more) of the stuff he writes fits perfectly to me. Thanks for the recommendation!

Have a great weekend everyone, stay safe.

 

[Nextian]

Day 91

Starting my day with thinking about a plan for today. Several things I want to get on with today and controlling my habits with that.

I will take a walk in the afternoon, hope the weather stays kind of dry. Where I live currently is a beautiful route to a river with spots for breaks.

Thinking about my wife and what she is doing. I regret so much being such an a**hole to her.

Things I am thankful for today:
An okay amount of sleep
That it seems like my wife still tries to figure out what she feels about me
Coffee

Things I hope for today:
My wife messaging or calling me
Weather stays dry so I can go on a walk
Answers to questions

Have a nice Sunday!

 

[Nextian]

Day 92

Big monthly meeting tomorrow at work, not really prepared yet but I will get along. The only thing that bugs me is that I don't have too much time during the day to work on the really important stuff - our marriage.

Tomorrow is quite a busy in general. In the EARLY morning 1h drive to a therapist (first appointment), 1h back and have the above mentioned call. Then in the afternoon 2nd therapist meeting (second appointment with her). That will be mentally absolutely exhaustive!
But if I am craving for change, I can't just sit around and try to do it myself.

Things I am thankful for today:
Health insurances
Support from friends
My phone screensaver, so I can 'see' my wife

Things I hope for today:
My wife messaging or calling me
Good call preparation
Another spot at a therapist

Have a good beginning of you week, keep your heads up!

 

[Nextian]

Day 93

Went to bed early yesterday for a good night's sleep so I have power for today! A bit change of plans but the 2 therapy sessions today remain unchanged.

Went swimming yesterday as my gym is an hour away currently I need to get started again working out a bit, so that's that.

Things I am thankful for today:
Coffee - it's early!
My wife, making the best out of the situation
A full tank, literally fuel and my power as well

Things I hope for today:
My wife messaging or calling me
Good talks and healing
My friend get his sick note prolonged

Have a great day everybody!

 

[Nextian]

Day 94

Had a busy day yesterday as expected - around 3.5h in the car, 2 therapy sessions (just have so many sessions with different therapists currently to sort out who fits my needs), and work which have been left throughout the day needed to be done in the evening / night.
Which is fair, because I helped out a very good friend of mine - and he got his sick note prolonged, had my fingers crossed because he currently suffers from a burnout and his doctors assistants are jerks. Anyway, all went well!

No temptations to act out, but thinking about my wife a lot currently (not only about our situation, if you know what I mean). I really think my body and libido are healing from PM meanwhile.

Things I am thankful for today:
A good night's sleep
Scent candles
Sore muscles from swimming on Monday

Things I hope for today:
My wife messaging or calling me
Getting a haircut
Finding answers to questions
(And that I can go swimming today!)

Have a good day everybody!

 

[Nextian]

Day 94

Went swimming yesterday evening, muscles are sore, all good! Went to get a haircut, worked out okay - not as good as usually as I have been in another location, but looks okay.

Still no sign, no call, no message from my wife and it's absolute torture. My brain is on high alert all the time for the unique tone my mobile plays when she sending a message or calls.

Dreamed absolute crap last night, about my wife breaking up with me and handing me signed divorce papers - luckily not happened in reality. Woke up with a wet face from tears I cried when I was asleep? Didn't know that this is possible.

Things I am thankful for today:
Haven't caught a cold yet, despite really ugly weather
A lot to do today so this day will be over quickly
Friends who don't leave, even if I have been a let down

Things I hope for today:
My wife messaging or calling me
Productivity for the things I want to do today
My best man getting a mail or call back from his therapist (even though she is a monster imho)

Have a great day everybody.

 

[Sad_wife]

Day 94

Went swimming yesterday evening, muscles are sore, all good! Went to get a haircut, worked out okay - not as good as usually as I have been in another location, but looks okay.

Still no sign, no call, no message from my wife and it's absolute torture. My brain is on high alert all the time for the unique tone my mobile plays when she sending a message or calls.

Dreamed absolute crap last night, about my wife breaking up with me and handing me signed divorce papers - luckily not happened in reality. Woke up with a wet face from tears I cried when I was asleep? Didn't know that this is possible.

Things I am thankful for today:
Haven't caught a cold yet, despite really ugly weather
A lot to do today so this day will be over quickly
Friends who don't leave, even if I have been a let down

Things I hope for today:
My wife messaging or calling me
Productivity for the things I want to do today
My best man getting a mail or call back from his therapist (even though she is a monster imho)

Have a great day everybody.

Oh yes. Crying when sleeping is a thing. Dreams are very powerful. I had a powerful experience when I was asleep once and woke up with tears streaming down my face and still very overwhelmed. Just as much as woke up terrified or extremely happy. I saw my husband in a dream before I met him. I was with my ex at the time. I felt guilty. But nothing really happened in the dream. We just crossed paths and he hugged me telling me in my ear that he would always be there for me. It’s hard to explain but our energy connected I felt whoever that was, was my soul mate. And I was in cloud nine for months knowing that there was someone out there that would love and protect me. I couldn’t remember his face after waking. It was a year into seeing my husband when it flooded back.

 

[Nextian]

Day 95

Short night yesterday and a day I am afraid of ahead of me, not a good mixture. Will have a very difficult situation and conversation with my father in the evening and seeing another therapist before.

Managed to do everything what I wanted to yesterday and the day passed by as quickly as assumed. Went to friends in the evening, had dinner and played a game while waiting for the food to be delivered. Afterwards we had a good talk about our situations.

Things I am thankful for today:
My friends wishing me the best for today evening
My lovely wife, still trying to cope with the situation I caused
Caffeine, after a short night

Things I hope for today:
My wife messaging or calling me
Power to breakup with my father
Making progress I am proud of

Have a good weekend everybody!

 

[Nextian]

Day 96
I did it! I really had the power to break bonds with my father. This is awesome.
While talking yesterday night, he admitted things that I didn't know he did which left me disgusted.
That fueled my desire even more to breakup with with him. Still I see myself sitting on his couch very rational thinking at times I needed it.

My wife called my yesterday, saying that this call is 'not an offer for peace', she just wanted to ask me if I am okay and want to talk about the appointment with my creator. I said that I am okay and that it would feel wrong to have such a deep conversation about me and my father while in a fight with her. I kind of regret it but I didn't want to make the impression that I search for compassion.

Other than that I had another 'first session' with a therapist who recommended to let me treat stationary for a few weeks as I have a lot to cope with currently. The progress someone can make in those weeks are very good and intense, but that stands against a few weeks sick leave from work. Need to have a think about it thoroughly...

Things I am thankful for today:
My routines get me going
My wife, still being my best friend after all as well
Weekend, meaning time to work on things I can't while working

Things I hope for today:
My wife messaging or calling me, signaling that she wants to have a talk
Weather stays dry as I need to switch my tires and clean my car today
Finding more answers to questions I have

Have a great Saturday everybody!