Nextians Journal

Day 112

Travel went well, going for breakfast now - I LOVE hotel breakfast. Wifey does as well - will take picture (or maybe even a video of it for her).
No urges to act out anyhow.

Going to a concert this evening where I don't even know the band to be honest. But it's a new experience having a concert while on travel for work :)

Things I am thankful for today:
Hotel breakfast
Seeing my team again since about 1.5 years
Still thankful for a short WhatsApp conversation with my wife yesterday

Things I hope for today:
Maybe another small talk with my wife, please?
Good music in the evening
Wifey has a good appointment today

Habe a good day everybody!
 
Day 113

Concert was great, breakfast is... not what I expected it to be... But it's still filling my stomach, which is good.

Tough day today, meetings over meetings.
Keeping it short today.

Things I am thankful for today:
Coffee
My wife
No rain

Things I hope for today:
Not falling asleep, was a long day yesterday
Good conversations with colleagues
A message from my wife

Have a good day everybody!
 
Day 114

Yesterday has been stressful a handful of workshops/meetings/calls. But all went okay.
Dinner has been small unfortunately, expected a big crowd to come with us but everyone has been tired.

Today evening I am traveling home. I am really happy to see my wife and concentrate on our marriage again! Putting my everything into it...

Things I am thankful for today:
Coming home
Not too busy day
My wife

Things I hope for today:
Save travels (and not waiting 1h for the bus again!)
Good presentation
A good conversation at the evening with my lovely wifey

Have a good day everybody!
 
Day 115

I am at home! What a trip yesterday! 1h late and the taxi drivers cashing machine didn't work...
But I came home safely and thats what's important.

Awaiting a call for my car to pick up and pay a fortune to the mechanic today, as well going to get a haircut today! It's about time :)

Things I am thankful for today:
Being back home
My wife and I will have a baking session this evening! Christmas Cookies! I am SO SO happy!
My good mood

Things I hope for today:
No surprises with the car at the mechanic
Hearing my wife laugh a lot this evening
No negative thoughts

Have a good day everybody!
 
Day 116

Yesterday has been amazing. Just simply wonderful. We had a LOT of fun yesterday and we lost count of the absolute mental amount of cookies we made. She explicitly said that she had a lot of fun as well! Woohoo!
I know that still doesn't mean that we will be forever - but it's the those little moments that makes me hopeful!

Today we are invited to a Christmas Party at friends of us, very excited! Can't wait actually - lots of great food, our friends and possibly a bit of alcohol. :)

Things I am thankful for today:
My great mood!
Friends that love us no matter what
Rainy weather doesn't bother me

Things I hope for today:
Lots of laughs
Backpain gets better
My wife will have another good day after all

Have a great weekend everyone!
 
Day 117

The evening was great. The friends we have stayed over night at prepared dinner for us all which has been unbelievably good and we had a lot of fun.

Today it's chores day, but we will stay here for a bit of breakfast and see further when we get home.

Things I am thankful for today:
Possibility to stay over at our friends
My wife who is absolutely amazing looking
Good mood!

Things I hope for today:
Great breakfast
Chores going over quickly
Hope my friend will get better from yesterdays situation again

Have a good day everybody!
 
Day 118

No urges or temptations to act out! Still not! It's great! Time really flies if you can concentrate on other stuff, I can really be productive after all - it's one of the best benefits of all.

We spent time together in the evening watching football, which has been wonderful. She enjoyed that a lot as well - we will be going to the cinema tomorrow, exited! :)

Next therapy appointment is up tomorrow morning as well, need to make thoughts!

Things I am thankful for today:
Energy is good
Still having my routines set
Floating appointment today evening

Things I hope for today:
Cuddles or hugs
Warmth! It's cold though...
Good food in the evening

Have a good day everybody!
 
Day 119

Went floating yesterday evening - nothing for me, couldn't get too much relaxation out of it. Worth a try though.

Going to the cinema today evening with my wonderful wife - I am exited! Hoping for some good conversations before and after. And a crapton of cheese sauce for our nachos of course.

Things I am thankful for today:
Presentation went well
Date with my wifey!
Good therapy session

Things I hope for today:
Great night out with my love
Good conversations
A hug or cuddles or maybe I can hold her hand

Have a great day everybody!
 
Day 120

I almost ruined the 'date feeling' yesterday! So so close.. On the way to the cinema I wanted to let her know how my therapy goes, which she is interested in, in general, but the timing was awful! I thought, we are in a car and have half an hour of time. Afterwards I thought about this situation again and realized she is 'trapped' in a car with me and I talk about very deep stuff on a way to something we haven't done for months and usually like. Worst timing ever!

Beside that, it was a wonderful evening - the movie was great and my wife looked stunning. She said that she had a lot of fun and a great date night with me. :)

I started a 'therapy diary' - recommended for everyone who forgets quite a few things, works great.

A lot on my agenda today, need power for today!

Things I am thankful for today:
No boredom will come up
My gorgeous wife
The privilege to live in a place which is warm and cozy

Things I hope for today:
Huggies
Conversations
Getting in Christmas mood to start wrapping presents already

Have a great day everybody!
 
Day 121

I realized yesterday, that I try a little too hard to initiate physical contact with my wife. Like touch her shoulder or back (you know, those date-ish kind of touches to signal 'I am interested in you', not the inappropriate ways). I need to be patient with her, I have hurt her so bad and cannot 'force' intimacy - that is the opposite of what she needs. That applies pressure I didn't want to put on her.

Am exited for the weekend ahead! I planned a weekend trip with a musical as highlight for her birthday middle of this year and she still wants to go with me. :) She is exited about it as well!

Things I am thankful for today:
My motivation to get stuff done
Not backing out of situations anymore I am not comfortable with
Not too much meetings, so I can concentrate on our marriage

Things I hope for today:
A hug, initiated by my wife
Good mood aaaaaaall day!
Wife being happy and laughing

Have a good day everybody!
 
Day 122

Today is the daaaaaay! Half day of work and off we go into our weekend! Dinner, Shopping, Musical and everything with my wife - I am so so happy about that. You cannot imagine.

No urges or temptations to act out. Nonetheless I want to be close to my wife every second of the day - quite hard to control not to just be a douche if you know what I mean.

Things I am thankful for today:
My gorgeous wife
The power to just say no to my depressive episode
Travel day

Things I hope for today:
No traffic jams
My wife and I share the same bed
Laughs and a lot of fun together

Have a good day everybody!
 
Day 123

We had a blast yesterday, traffic was smooth and the hotel is amazing! Had dinner later and a lot of laughter together and even an extra dish because my wife is mucho sympatico. :)

We'll go shopping today and in the evening to a musical! That will be so cool!

Things I am thankful for today:
Being around my gorgeous wife
A great breakfast
No stress because of crowds

Things I hope for today:
Holding hands with my wife (had that yesterday shortly and I fell even more in love)
Wifey happy
A great musical in the evening

Have a great day everybody!
 
@Nextian ,

Your wife may love you, but she's still not sexually attracted to you. You're continuing to do a lot of things to reinforce comfort, but not attraction.

To all the members here that are struggling with lack of sex from their wives, here me out. Developing and maintaining sexual attraction is not done via comfort building tactics. Things like romantic gifts, cleaning the house, words of affirmation, spending quality time, pretty much all that Gary Chapman stuff. That builds comfort, but not sexual attraction.

To build sexual attraction, one must develop his own strength, confidence, and ambition; things that women find attractive on masculine men. Start working out, have your own life with being with other men, stop walking on eggshells with women, and learn to embrace conflict by not always agreeing to everything a woman says. Woman are attracted to men that value themselves and treat themselves as such. Men that don't make their wives the center of attention but choose to pursue their own ambition and dreams. Men that know what they want and are not afraid to say it. Men that wont apologise for their sexuality, but make their desires known without feeling embarrassed or ashamed. And yet still be sensitive and kind to the woman's emotional spirit. Men that don't put themselves down, and don't reinforce shame based behavior. And men that are not afraid to leave the relationship if he isn't getting what he truly wants out of it. The better he values and respects himself, the more that others will value and respect him. And women are not attracted to men that they don't value or respect.
 
Day 124

The musical was pure magic. Lovely location, lovely company, lovely food afterwards.

@KevinesKay
I agree with a few things but not all of them.

1. I think being comfortable in a relationship is the base for any sexual attraction to happen if it's a longer relationship. Not talking about one night stands here.

2. Tiptoeing around woman makes it difficult to embrace your self esteem, absolutely agreed. Hard to get rid of if you are still uncertain about things, which you need to figure out about yourself.

Just arrived at home again, very happy about no traffic again and now time for hotdogs and couching!

Things I am thankful for today:
I am very thankful to have my wife around me again. Life is just so much better with her.
Drive home went smoothly
Got a big big hug today :)

Things I hope for today:
(Kind of late to hope for stuff to happen today still, anyhow:)
Cuddles on the sofa
Hotdogs will be nice
Great football game

Have a great rest of your Sunday everyone!
 
Day 125

A fresh Monday full of work. Heading to the office today! Football was good and the hotdogs as well - cheese and truffle sauce is a absolute recommendation! :D

Need to find time to think more about our relationship again, still can't do both together unfortunately - concentrate on our 'now' and thinking about the past and future at the same time is difficult for me.

Things I am thankful for today:
Not as cold as it should be in that time of the year
My wife hugged me directly after waking up
Being conscious about that not everything is done and dusted! Being married is working on yourself and on your relationship constantly.

Things I hope for today:
Not too much traffic
More huggies :)
Not too much work

Have a good day everybody!
 
Day 126

Yesterday has been a good day. All was well @work and we went to get some groceries afterwards.

Had a little talk about my wife's disease and she told me that her bestie worked out an 'emergency plan' in case I cannot cope with care taking. I felt a little betrayed to be honest and told her that as well. She explained that this is great for her because she feels like she has a 'safety net' in case she and I cannot work out our issues.

And I understood. It's not about me! Why do I always think about me first? Awful.

Things I am thankful for today:
Slept well
Wifey happy
Morning hug :)

Things I hope for today:
Sore muscles getting better
Not too much work
Power to get things done!

Have a good day everybody!
 
Nextian said:
KevinskayDay 126

Yesterday has been a good day. All was well @work and we went to get some groceries afterwards.

Had a little talk about my wife's disease and she told me that her bestie worked out an 'emergency plan' in case I cannot cope with care taking. I felt a little betrayed to be honest and told her that as well. She explained that this is great for her because she feels like she has a 'safety net' in case she and I cannot work out our issues.

And I understood. It's not about me! Why do I always think about me first? Awful.

Things I am thankful for today:
Slept well
Wifey happy
Morning hug :)

Things I hope for today:
Sore muscles getting better
Not too much work
Power to get things done!

Have a good day everybody!
Click to expand...
Pause,

I’m all for giving space for healing. I’m all for serving your wife. And I’m all for treating her like a queen.

It’s also ok for you to acknowledge that she is wrong. I may be in the minority here but, your wife is actively planning on life without you in it. She’s preparing for a future that doesn’t involve you with people outside of your marriage. That’s not ok.

Kevinskay is right. You my friend are not fighting for your marriage you’re just cowing to your wife’s every whim. I get it we are on the wrong side of the argument because let’s be honest we are the ones who messed up. But, we are still human beings and your needs and feelings are important as well. If your wife isn’t allowing that or you are just ignoring them to appease her that isn’t the answer either. The answer is being the husband she deserves. The husband every woman deserves. That is the BEST version of you. Part of that is making sure that both of you are having your basic needs met. Yes you must consider her first as you should. But, that doesn’t mean you abandon all your needs and/or feelings. That is just an emotional support animal not a marriage.

She’s justified is worrying about the future but actively planning and seeking outside sources beyond you without even considering your feelings just screams that she’s out mentally.

Just my two cents man I pray for the best for you and your wife!
 
Day 127

Day was over so quickly! A lot to do at work but satisfying. No urges or temptations.

@The Shift
It actually is okay, think about that:
Your 100% mortal disease will start in between 7 - 15 years. You will slowly lose your cognitive abilities and you cannot control your body anymore. You lose yourself slowly day by day and you are conscious about it but can't do anything against it.

Sure you would take every small feeling of safety you can get. Maybe I worded it wrong. She isn't PLANNING on doing that. She still would like me to take care of her, it's the second option if things go sideways (nobody knows!).

For me that situation has been a success, as I haven't verbalized concerns I might had in the past.

Past days have been good days. Today she said that she feels good about us. I love every second spending time together.

Things I am thankful for today:
Cuddles on the sofa!
Had my best man over for a coffee
Work that I am happy with

Things I hope for today:
Good amount of sleep
No weird dreams
Sore muscles will be better

Have a good one.
 
Day 128

Today I have my next therapy session. Will make notes about what we have talked about to revisit afterwards, spend a few minutes to recap and prepare for the next session which I believe will be next year.

This evening we will go to a Christmas market with a small group, hope it's not too crowded.

Things I am thankful for today:
Having a job that I like
My routines are good and they help me structuring my day
Quitting PMO worked out great

Things I hope for today:
A good therapy session and time after to think
Not too crowded christmas market
My mood getting better, bit grumpy still about the lack of sleep I have...

Have a good day everybody!
 
Nextian said:
Day 127

Day was over so quickly! A lot to do at work but satisfying. No urges or temptations.

@The Shift
It actually is okay, think about that:
Your 100% mortal disease will start in between 7 - 15 years. You will slowly lose your cognitive abilities and you cannot control your body anymore. You lose yourself slowly day by day and you are conscious about it but can't do anything against it.

Sure you would take every small feeling of safety you can get. Maybe I worded it wrong. She isn't PLANNING on doing that. She still would like me to take care of her, it's the second option if things go sideways (nobody knows!).

For me that situation has been a success, as I haven't verbalized concerns I might had in the past.

Past days have been good days. Today she said that she feels good about us. I love every second spending time together.

Things I am thankful for today:
Cuddles on the sofa!
Had my best man over for a coffee
Work that I am happy with

Things I hope for today:
Good amount of sleep
No weird dreams
Sore muscles will be better

Have a good one.
Click to expand...
if thats what works for you that’s good man. I hope and pray for her and you all the best and happiness you can find!
 
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