No cuddling, no kissing and no sex.

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by wildwood, Apr 13, 2015.

  1. wildwood

    wildwood Fapstronaut

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    I don't know what to think. My boyfriend and I have decided not to be intimate with each other anymore due to his chaser effect. Not gonna lie it's really bugging me. It's just this is a huge thing, I'm very in tune with my sexuality and here I am mentally breaking down. It's funny because we did a really great thing yesterday, he deleted every girl that triggered him off facebook with no problem. That was great and he was very open about sure it was hard to hear most of the girls I was friends with...it repulsed me. But I didn't say that, because it's progress. So today we went to the mall and later on he did admit he could've stop checking out all the other girls. I already knew. I could see it in his face while he had his arm wrapped around me. It made me sick. I wanted to just run away. Run away and never look back. He first said he couldn't stop thinking about me, which wasn't what happened. I understand he is recovering, but I too have feelings and sexual urges. Now I can't do anything. I can't kiss or touch him and on top of that he'll be thinking about everyone. My coworkers, friends, even my family members. I feel like I'm dying a little. These are normal feelings but I needed to vent. So I came here. I just want encouragement and positivity right now. Please. I love him very much and would endure anything but some kind words would do alot right now. Thank you
     
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2015
  2. Hope84

    Hope84 Fapstronaut

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    I think it’s great that you want to help, and support him.

    I think you should share all of your feelings with him, holding back doesn’t help you or him. You’re pissed, upset, and you have every right to be. What will happen if you just hold it in? Do you want to resent him? You have needs, and so does he. You can control yourself and right now he can't. He can’t control himself that’s his problem. Basic affection is needed in a relationship, kissing, hugging, cuddling and many more non-sexual things can be done. How about a massage? Building emotional intimacy with sharing your thoughts is just as important as physical intimacy. You're a strong willed woman, and it sounds like your trying your best, but I would encourage you to share how you feel. You are important and he needs to know it.

    Sorry if this is an attack on him, but I read and re-read this from a lot of woman and it’s just pisses me off. Men need to hear from their girlfriends, wife’s, etc. exactly how they feel about this. No sugar coating. I’m not saying attack him. Example - YOU do this And You do that? Share, "I feel like... my self-esteem is damage when you look at porn" I feel betrayed and hurt when you look at other woman in front of me, example of how you feel, and make sure he is mentally present and looking at you, so he can see that pain.

    Best of luck to you and my prayers are with you
     
  3. wildwood

    wildwood Fapstronaut

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    You hit the nail right on the head. That was exactly what I needed to see, thank you so much.
     
  4. Oh my goodness I am so sorry. The fact you 2 made progress is a wonderful thing and I truly feel that it will lead to a stronger more fulfilling relationship. However I can totally understand your feelings, sexuality is a healthy and beautiful thing and being able to express it through something even as simple as a loving touch is wonderful. It is tragic that porn's grip is so strong that even such a gesture of affection can act as a trigger and because of this sometimes it is required that drastic actions be taken to free ones self from the porn addiction so that you can get back to being able to love and be loved. Just like Drugs or alcohol porn is a fiendishly powerful addiction and can warp a good mans actions and lead his mind to places that will make his heart cry. I consider my self a very kind and gentle man and deeply respect women and yet in the past I have found my self thinking things and looking at images that now make me feel sick to remember. It was hard to understand at first that porn addiction and its urges were not the real me, that it was not me that wanted to look at porn but rather my mind that was craving another hit of dopamine. It was important to know that I was not a bad person but rather a person with a very harmful addiction, and that the sooner I got clean the sooner I could be the man I wanted to be. Just know that your boyfriend is not fully in control of his actions right now and that the addiction is not the real him. And also that while for now abstaining from physical and loving interaction may be important to his recovery, that same tender sensation that comes from love and sexuality will be very important in the later stages when the recover has run its course.

    All that said this is just his side of the story and the recovery and your side is just as important. It is of paramount importance that you continue to talk and express your feelings to him. As the girlfriend of a porn addict it is totally natural to feel hurt and confused and your journey toward healing will be much like his. However it is a journey that can bring you closer together and nurture a relationship of trust and love. Mark and his wife made a wonderful video about handling porn addiction as a couple, in it they talked about how hard it is for the partner of a porn addict and the need to share your feelings. It is a beautiful video and I hope that it helps. For now just know that you have friends here that are standing with you rooting for you and that will always be here to listen and help. I know that it is hard right now but hang in there and I know that you will be okay. : )


     
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2015
  5. Thank you so much : ) I had my post open for the last 2 hours trying to find the right words and now I see your post and it is nothing short of beautiful. Indeed while it is important to support a partner during a reboot Wildwood your needs and feelings are Equally important and need to be expressed. Also that Building emotional intimacy idea was wonderful. The idea normally seems to be just no sex during a reboot so a loving hug or touch really should only strengthen the bond of a healthy relationship.
     
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2015
  6. wildwood

    wildwood Fapstronaut

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    I honestly began to cry while watching that, I'm truly grateful for this. I need to show him this video so maybe he'll gain more of an understanding of what we should be working on as a couple. I give him support, love, and understanding but I can't be the only one to do so. I appreciate all the support, thank you for this =)
     
  7. I am really humbled that I could help : ) I highly recommend the Sacred Sexuality Project, all of Mark's videos are really great for getting through the battle of porn addiction. I would not be at this point in my recovery with out them and so with any luck maybe they can help your boyfriend as well.
     
  8. Limeaid

    Limeaid Guest

    What beautiful support from some of the men on this site! It truly made me cry as well. Sometimes as women it is so easy to think men are evil because of all the damage that is done but reading this restores my faith in humanity. I just wanted to say thank you to all the wonderful men making a difference on here and in the world :)
     
    wildwood likes this.
  9. The Eleven

    The Eleven Fapstronaut

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    I'm sure I can't say it any better than the previous posters, but let me say this: Please, please, please speak up for yourself. If being honest and open with him spurs him to make meaningful and long-lasting changes, then great -- you will have given him the push he needed to get his life in order. And if it doesn't, then you need to know absolutely as soon as possible that he is unwilling or unable to make those changes so you can respond appropriately (i.e., by leaving him). But if you keep all of this to yourself, you both lose and you'll be miserable while doing it.
     
    wildwood likes this.
  10. Hope84

    Hope84 Fapstronaut

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    How are things going with communicating your needs and feelings to your SO?
     
  11. wildwood

    wildwood Fapstronaut

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    Great! I'm now experiencing some issues of my own which is making things difficult but its helping me understand how difficult this addiction can be. I started a daily journal today so there's a whole other load on that lol but it's been great I appreciate you for asking =)
     
  12. Hope84

    Hope84 Fapstronaut

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    Anytime, sometimes people forget to just ask how others are doing. It can make a difference.

    That's great that your working on you, and a journal helps ;-). Stay strong, and know there are other woman on this site are great resources of info and comfort.

    Best of luck to you
     
    Kurapika and wildwood like this.
  13. marise0705

    marise0705 Fapstronaut

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    Hi Wildwood,

    I've been meaning to write you a little note on here, but I wanted have ample time to compose something well-thought out. First off, I want to say that you are not alone in this -- having a significant other with a porn/sex addiction (or any addiction for that matter) can be extremely hard and painful for the surrounding loved ones, and it's so important to find support.

    I know that you stated that you can't even touch or kiss (I can only imagine how difficult that is!), but maybe you both can try and revise that? I think there is something more powerful in a caress of the check or a well-placed hand on the back than there is in just some raunchy screwing (sorry to sound vulgar, haha). Your feelings and needs are important and if you're unable to engage in sex, perhaps a focus on intimacy would be good here? I know that when my boyfriend and I went hardmode (we transitioned to softmode, but practice hardmode when we see fit) I found it extremely difficult because I like being sexually engaged with him, but I knew that it was important for him to reboot. Instead, we opted for snuggling, and embracing each other - our main focus was on feeling our in love we are and how much we want to improve our lives together. Have you spoken to him about how you felt? Maybe there are other ways you can feel connected (without it having to be sexually)?

    Anyhoo, I just wanted to let you know that if you ever need anyone to talk to or just vent to, please don't hesitate to message me or any of the other wonderful people on this forum. I really wish you the best and you and your boyfriend undergo this journey :)
     
    Limeaid likes this.
  14. wildwood

    wildwood Fapstronaut

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    Thank you very much! The idea of hard mode was brought upon by his fear of the chaser effect which we did discuss, he is almost 30 days of pmo, psubs and edging free! Except only 2 weeks of that were hard mode since we did make love quite a few times this week (lol), we had a huge discussion and he decided it was his self control he needed to work on. Needless to say he's been fantastic! It was absolutely amazing, the intimacy we didn't have was there unlike ever before and it even brought us more together. I wrote so much about it on my journal I wish I could put it all here! Lets just say there is so much communication, honesty, love and now some very heated passion (ou Lala!). I thank you again, I will keep your words in the back if my mind since there is still a long journey ahead of us =)
     
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