no frens

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by clownworld, Aug 1, 2020.

  1. clownworld

    clownworld Fapstronaut

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    I never had any true friends in real life. I'm very bad at socialising, I was never good at it. I've had "friends" when I was in school but they never cared about me, especially after school. Not a single text or phone call, not a single visit. I was very lonely and sadly that hasn't changed. Socialising is almost a mystery to me. I don't know how to start a conversation and I don't know where to meet new people. I don't like being lonely, yet it seems like it's the only option. In a way, I'm scared of socialising since I didn't do it a lot. I always overthink everything and constantly think about the impression I give off. I rarely have any occasion to socialise too. What can I do about this? How can I stop being so frightened of socialising?
     
    Supination, OoMahidoO, 7Tails and 2 others like this.
  2. I want to respond to this by firstly saying that I admire your honesty and vulnerability.

    These are not the kinds of things you can say to people in real life.

    I've had a mental illness since I was a kid, and I've been mostly isolated.

    Still as a middle aged adult, I am largely on my own.

    But the way that I learned to cope with it was to accept it.

    If I felt lonely, or if I wanted friends, but they weren't around, then

    if I felt sad about this, it wasn't helping me.

    As time went on, it stopped hurting as much.

    That is a gift of being in longer streaks and reboots.

    I started to step back and detach from this problem, but in a healthy way.

    And the main thing for me was that when I saw myself,

    I saw the good things about me.

    I had lost 100 lbs, learned to run, became a better martial artist,

    learned how to play the piano, learned to sing,

    wrote books, created a podcast, and did other things.

    Maybe people thought that was good or bad,

    but either way, I thought I was good, and I was the one to decide.

    That's what NoFap does for guys.

    They start to work on their goals, and this changes how they feel about themselves.

    Because when you are working on your life's mission, you will have self-esteem.

    You will achieve it, too.

    Maybe people will love you for it, maybe not.

    It's irrelevant.

    What you will do is become an awesome person, and nobody needs to validate that.

    Needing validation from the world is a terrible place to live.

    But nobody really "needs" validation.

    Some people get validation and some don't.

    Some people see drug dealers carry around guns and money,

    and think, "Wow, that's so awesome! You are so cool!"

    But are they? No.

    That's how validation works. You get validated for the wrong things

    by people who can't understand what to validate.

    The thing to understand about validation is that people are saying more about themselves

    than what they validate.

    In that example, the kid observing the drug dealer is really thinking

    "I feel inferior but this guy is not. If I align with that guy, then I won't be inferior."

    Probably the reason the kid idolizes the drug dealer is just because that kid saw him.

    If it had been a businessman, a soldier, or a doctor, the kid would have thought the same thing.

    That kid was ready to validate somebody for something at that time.

    The drug dealer may not have even noticed the kid, maybe they never spoke.

    That's how friendship, love and validation are.

    Somebody puts you into their mold.

    You can't do anything about that.

    So you go out, and live your best life, on YOUR TERMS.

    If it's wealth, then build it. Work for it.

    If it's fitness or sports, then go out and put in the sweat and the hours.

    If it's art, keep creating, and do something original.

    Use this streak/reboot to build yourself.

    Let the world be free to reject or accept you.

    They have to accept you if you are a winner.

    That is the trump card.
     
  3. Mr. Diesel

    Mr. Diesel Fapstronaut

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    I've never identified so much with something on the internet.

    Thank you for your help, I'll validate you (jk)
     
    7Tails and clownworld like this.
  4. It seems like maybe your anxiety relating to what sort of impression you give could be holding you back from making friends? I'm sure you've heard it all before, but being yourself is the best way to gain true friends. I'm not saying you have to always speak your mind or act in public as you would in private or anything like that, but you do have to be willing to open up to people and that is what I mean by being yourself and not worrying overmuch about impressions with people you might want to be friends with.

    The best way to start socializing with people is to talk about what they're interested in and especially get them going on about themselves. Remembering their names is important too if they're new people. (This is something I struggle with and I have found that writing the names down helps.) This type of socializing may not necessarily make you friends, but you will come across as friendly which is important and if there are any people out there that would be your friends you will never know if you hadn't started a conversation with them. "What/why do you like/want/do"

    Meeting new people with the hope of making true friends is difficult because most people just kind of happen into great friendships. That's how it's been with me, but I can tell you that practicing socializing will help you make friends when the time comes. Talking with people you already know (parents, siblings, relatives, friends of relatives etc.) about things you don't know about them will help! Again it comes back to getting them to talk about things they're interested in and themselves.

    As far as places go, school and work tend to be the springboard into making friends, but I suppose ideally we would want to find or make friends doing something we like to do. Trouble is a lot of us don't have very sociable hobbies. You could try something out of the box when things open up again. I recommend joining a dance studio for instance. (The manlier recommendation would probably be a boxing gym or insert martial arts, and that is also a possibility, but dance studios have more girls :p) I did this a year ago and was able to work on my socializing and it was nice, the people there liked me and I had some fun.

    Finding a true friend is like finding a soulmate. It's gonna be different for everybody but I hope what I have written has given you some down to earth advice on how and where you can begin to socialize. I also recommend a book called "How to win friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie. It's a corny title, and it's written from a sort of businessman but the basic advice on how to be more sociable and friendly is great.

    All the best @clownworld
     
    Mr. Diesel, 7Tails and clownworld like this.
  5. Randy Andy

    Randy Andy Fapstronaut

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    All humans struggle with this, I know I have. We are social in our nature, this is where the desire for approval comes in that causes us so much trouble. That desire is part of pm+ addiction, and out of that desire we often betray ourselves.
    There are many things that help. Some for under the umbrella of going against that natural and understandable desire for approval by giving giving giving, ignoring the minds insistence that we get something from others. If it is authentic this is naturally very attractive compared to demands. For instance I've been many people who expect me to call them so that we are friends. But I don't like that much and I don't call them. If they want a friend they can call that person. Also being nice helps so much. There's a saying that has helped me a lot "if all the cars are coming at you you might be in the wrong lane.". It can often seem to be that all these people are jerksand all those people are losers but what if I'm wrong and it is just my attitude and perception that is skewed? This is so easy for me to see in others but can be hard to see in myself: if someone else regales me with was stories about how dysfunctional his last job if a few years was and how toxic the work environment at the job he had before that and so on and so on I know this is a dysfunctional person, at least a disfunctional worker. So I try to be a lot nicer than I think I need to be, not in the codependent sense but in the sense of random acts of kindness, giving with no thought of return.
    Many other little things help, I find when I make a lot of phone calls I get at least a few back. I stop bothering people who clearly don't want to talk with me or in some other way aren't available. This saves time for people that I am more of a fit with. I question my negative thoughts especially the ones about people including myself.
    Maybe the second biggest thing is that it's ok to feel fear about this. Action can be taken regardless of feeling and that often leads to better results than believing feelings dictate action, in this case inaction. Even though it feels like life our death we know in our minds it is not which can free us up to simply choose. Acting in the face of fear practices courage which is very noble.
     
  6. All For One

    All For One Fapstronaut

    People are simply stepping stones to my success, in my opinion. I can say much more on this topic, but I doubt that you will be able to extract anything of substance from it.

    Still, my advice to you would be to understand just how worthless most people in society are. Turn yourself into something they will naturally seek the company of and treat them however you like. They will hate you, but they will have no choice but to swallow their honor and run to you like the dogs they are.

    How you treat them after that is up to you. Personally, I love to ridicule them openly just to highlight the full extent of their dependency. Whether or not you follow this path is up to you.
     
  7. Mr. Diesel

    Mr. Diesel Fapstronaut

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    This is the edgiest shit I've ever seen. You almost cut my thumb off
     
    Johnthesavage and clownworld like this.
  8. All For One

    All For One Fapstronaut

    Nice.
    I'm so happy to have your validation.
     
  9. clownworld

    clownworld Fapstronaut

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    I've been thinking about going to the local library but I don't think I would meet anyone there since it's a small library with no space to study or read books. As for your suggestions, dance studio is not an option since I don't like dancing and neither is a gym since I work out at home.
    That's what I was doing to some degree too, since I wasn't interesting enough to "friends" I had at school, I simply stopped talking to them.
    You're either 12 years old or a sociopathic asshole. I'm not sure what's the point of your advice considering the fact that I don't consider everyone to be worthless and I don't want to ridicule people for no reason at all. If I was thinking that I wouldn't even want to make friends.
     
    Johnthesavage and Mr. Diesel like this.
  10. Mr. Diesel

    Mr. Diesel Fapstronaut

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    Don't pay attention to him, If he truly was someone people seek he wouldn't be on nofap like us, either that or he's some cringy kid trying to copy an anime character
     
  11. All For One

    All For One Fapstronaut

    Just pointing out my perspective. Not like your life is any better, but you don't see me throwing around insults, do you?
    I honestly don't care, but at least I learnt something here so that was nice.

    Continue.
     
  12. All For One

    All For One Fapstronaut

    It's all cringe till you meet somone like me irl and see just how much is true.

    I'm on nofap because I want to improve, not meet your particular definition of success. You don't need to believe a word I say, trust me.
     
    OoMahidoO likes this.
  13. The library is a possibility. See if they have maybe any clubs you can join. I was apart of one many years ago but didn't take full advantage of it, unfortunately.

    I didn't like dancing before I tried it so that's what I mean by trying something out of the box, how do you know you don't like it? If you have tried one kind and didn't like it maybe a different kind of dance would be better!

    But I should put the emphasis more on trying new things than any one thing in particular. I'm not trying to convince you to dance haha. It's just most of us don't have the opportunity to meet new people on a daily basis so we have to go out of our way to meet new people and do new things.

    @All For One , I'm afraid you've forgotten the other half of your name: One for all.
     
  14. All For One

    All For One Fapstronaut

    How can I? Others seem to enjoy playing that role. None seem very good at it. None who I have met, at least.

    None yet
     
  15. Mr. Diesel

    Mr. Diesel Fapstronaut

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    I've met dozens of people like you, when I lived in the city there was at least one like you per block, needless to say they pissed their pants when in any kind of confrontation jjjjjjj
     
    clownworld likes this.
  16. All For One

    All For One Fapstronaut

    Yep. You totally know me from the 2 lines of discussion we've had here. Perhaps if your insight was as good as you assert, you wouldn't be here confused about your own sexuality.

    This isn't about you or me. It's about giving advice to the OP. If the advice given is regarded as bad, people are free to comment on it and I welcome their opinions, whether or not I agree with what they say. Anything beyond that constitutes an attack on your part and I don't recall doing anything to trigger or validate one. If I did, you are free to report me. It's quite simple actually.

    Stick to the topic. We're done here.
     
    The Legend of Hope likes this.
  17. Mr. Diesel

    Mr. Diesel Fapstronaut

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    I can't believe you took my words literally, but in all seriousness, stop trying to be hardcore, you can't pull it off.
    Stop it, you're an adult already, you don't have any necessity to do this.
     

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