No judge zone - I hope

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by Jtz12342, Sep 27, 2018.

Do women expect men to be hard right away before sex?

  1. Yes

    3 vote(s)
  2. No

    10 vote(s)
  1. Jtz12342

    Jtz12342 Fapstronaut

    Hey guys,

    So first off, let me express that I have nothing against homosexuality. I believe everyone deserves to be happy being who they are, and liking what they like. Period.

    I believe it has been around 3 months since I masturbated, consciously (I’ll explain later). It was probably around the first month from refraining from masturbating that I came accross nofap. I thought it was a great community that I had not heard of before. My initial purpose for stopping to masturbate was to better clear my mind (since I have noticed changes when I have done this before for only even a couple weeks) and to push myself to go out and find actually find a girl instead. It was all going very well until maybe 2 weeks ago.

    Now, the real story starts:

    I’m the midst of this desperation I am feeling, I am sharing this story which I have only shared with my therapist and one other person before to see if it may help me clear my mind and stop thinking of masturbating or doing something stupid.

    I was abused at 6 years old by my brother’s brother in laws at the time. They were probably 12, 14. It was all just in the way of “Playing a Game”, which consisted of touching each other and giving oral. This went on innocently for me until about the time I was 12 or so, when I started becoming a little more conscious of what I was doing. During this time I also started to “play” these same games with other cousins and other close little male friends at the time (which really hurts me looking back thinking that they can be going through something similar now because of me, although I’ve brought myself to believe I should not feel guilty for this because I was just a kid too, but I truly regret it and feel sorry about it). Anyway, as I started learning what homosexuality was I began to feel ashamed about this so I stopped.

    Before I was abused, I was an active little kid who could not be left alone with little girls because I would always want to play doctor with them and get them naked. I know I was only 5 or so at the time but I really feel I was born heterosexual.

    Growing up with that experience was really hard for me because it made me shy and often ashamed and it really took a toll on my life in getting girlfriends. I am 25 now and have only really had one official girlfriend (9th grade - 5 months, didn’t have sex - I know what’s wrong with you?), and then I had a relationship with another girl, it wasn’t official but it was definitely something real (more in her later). Going through middle school and high school and seeing my friends switch between relationships while I just kind of watched was really hard. Of course there was a lot masturbation involved during these years.

    Problem # 1

    I managed to somewhat lose my virginity to this girl on a drunk night at the age of 17. I say somewhat because I do not know if I had whiskey dick, or ED but I could not fully get hard and come. I was able to get hard enough to penetrate her a little, but then I went soft and couldn’t go anymore. Luckily she was too drunk to realize and just knocked out. (For the record I did not take advantage of her we both decided to get drunk alone in my car I guess to be comfortable with each other). This was the start of my insecurities because now I was not sure if the reason I could not get hard was due to attraction towards her. I mean I liked her, but I was not instantly hard when we were getting down to business.

    Question for you guys, are you usually hard as soon as you see a fine woman? Or as soon as you are going to have sex? This is a big part of my insecurity when I think of having sex with a woman that I feel they expect you to be ready to go right away.

    Anyways, fast forward a couple years I met this other girl through my cousins, she was about four years older than me and had a kid. We used to drink and party together which is how I think we got so close and being drunk constantly with her gave me the confidence to get at her. For some strange reason we both ended up living together at my brother’s house where we bagan having sex. The first time we had sex, I got hard and then it went down while she was on me. She asked me what was up with me, I tried to play it off (adding more to my insecurities). As we had more sex I began to feel more comfortable around her and I would be ready as soon as we started playing around and toying with each other. So this gave me a sense of perhaps this is all in my mind and it’s just a matter of me being comfortable with the girl. These were great times. Fast forward a little, we moved out of my brother’s and each went our seperate ways. I think we never made it anything official because she had a kid and I think she did not want to put me in a spot where I felt responsible for her kid (especially since I was younger than her) and I don’t think I was just ready for that either, so we distanced ourselves.

    As time went on I began to feel like I really needed to get away and figure some things out by myself. So I moved to another state. I think while I was going through middle school and high school I would sometimes find another male attractive and this would make me feel very ashamed. Looking back on it now, I think perhaps even more ashamed than it should have do to my past experience. I think one of the things I had to figure out was my sexuality.

    In the past I had masturbated to gay porn from time to time, but it was mostly straight porn that I liked. I also had a fantasy about a 3-some, but instead of with 2 girls, it was with a guy and a girl. Finally with the performance issues I had with the 2 women I mentioned above ( and another girl as well on a couple ocassions), this was something that was just really bothering me and I had to explore it. Also, along the way I was hoping to meet perhaps another “straight” guy in my same situation that might understand me.

    I started to go online and meet up with guys. We usually met up and just masturbated together and would maybe exchange oral. I’m not gonna lie, it felt good at the moment, I enjoyed it, but the feeling the next day was always the worst. I felt ashamed. Yet, when I felt lonely (which I constantly felt because I was all by myself in a foreign state) and wanted fast sexual satisfaction, I knew how to find it and fast.

    Fast forward a little, I moved back home hoping to leave that life behind. (No I did not get a single girl while I was out there). While I over there I did keep contact with the girl with the kid I mentioned earlier and I really felt like I missed her and she missed me. As soon as I got back we had sex, and it was great, it felt like I had not left and we had not parted. At this time I felt like to actually wanted something with her and was now mature enough to take the responsibility of her kid. We started talking a little more like a couple than we did before. However, I soon noticed that she was somebody not willing to change for the better. I am somebody who I am always working on bettering myself, she just wanted to drink and party. So I decided I had to put an end to it.

    After this, I started getting those desires again and couldn’t help it and went online and started to meet up with guys again (which I had promised myself I would not do when I was back home). This eventually made me feel so bad and depressed, borderline suicidal, that I decided to go see a therapist. Therapy worked great. After about a month and a half I walked out of there feeling super confident. I actually met another girl who I automatically fell in love with. She is just perfect and we hung out a couple times. With this new acquired confidence at the time I managed for her to take me home. We got to her bed. I LAYED IN BED WITH HER. And DID NOTHING. (*palm to face*). I think mostly because in my mind I was so focused bout not being hard right there in that moment, and could this perhaps been because I was nervous? I don’t know, anyways another failed attempt. The girl kind of distanced herself from me ( I think because of that fail). So to cope with this, I went online and met up with some random guy.

    I stopped. Then a few months later I did it again, and finally again feeling really ashamed and unsatisfied with myself I went back to therapy. Me and my therapist came to the conclusion that the random hook ups with guys is like a coping habit for me. She said that although there is nothing wrong with homosexuality, if doing this does not make me happy, then I should not continue to hurt myself this way. She suggested that we treat this just like we should treat a drug addiction. It seems that I turn to this when I want fast and easy release.

    Anyways, so I followed her advice to stay away from meeting up with guys at the same time I felt that many times, the more I masturbated, the hornier I would get so that is why I also decided to stop masturbating in order to avoid having any urges. As the weeks went by I started looking more into the benefits of having stopped masturbating and that is how I cane accross nofap.

    Everything was going great! Clear head, I have joined the gym and been very consistent, I was doing great at work. I was being very social, which I am not always (I am typically more on the shy side). My desire for women and attraction was through the roof, I thought nothing of other guys. I actually started to start talk to the last girl I just mentioned again ( still have not been able to fully get through to her again, that fail is going to take a lot to come back from). Everything was going great.

    So now, about a month ago or so, I went out, got reaaaally drunk, to where I don’t remember how I got home. The next day while I was in the shower I noticed my penis was kind of hurt, kind of what it looks like after I have sex. This concerned me because I did not remember anything of the night before. I first thought maybe I actually had sex with a girl, but that would be to good to be true. Then I was afraid perhaps I had done something stupid and met up with some guy online ( by the way when I am drunk I seem to lose my attraction towards guys), but after retracing my steps and talking with my friends it sounds like the most probable thing was that maybe I masturbated?? But my underwear was clean so idk if maybe I just stroked. Till this day I’m not sure.

    Anyhow, ever since then I have not been feeling that great. I feel that desire for sex to the point where I think about it a lot throughout the day. I try to go to the gym to see if I will burn enough energy to lower these urges, but it’s not working. I made myself a promise that I would not masturbate until I have sex with a girl. It’s just so hard to try to get a girl when you’re desperate for sex (especially if you are not that great with girls to begin with).

    I’ve joined tinder to see if maybe I could meet a girl there, but unlike with meeting up with guys and pretty much just asking for what you want, you actually have to sweet talk them and all this shit. I just don’t think I have the undefined patience for it right now.

    (Also, I should have noted earlier is that even with guys I was not always hard right away, but I did t really care because I felt like these guys were more just like friends who would understand. I didn’t feel that pressure like with girls who may be quick to judge.)

    I’m at a point right now where I am finding guys attractive again, and this gives me anxiety, which leads to give me those urges. Which leads to insecurities again because it makes me feel that I’m gay although in my clearest mindset I have really discovered that I’m not ( and I do not deny anything that I have done before, nor do I tell myself it didn’t happen but I am aware of the circumstances in my life that led me to this.)

    I really don’t want to meet up with a guy because I know that although that may calm the urge temporarily, it will take a big toll on me emotionally and sexually afterwards.

    Anyways, I want to think that this is just because it’s been so long now and I had not had the urges in the last 3 months come to me so hard. Maybe once, but I don’t think it was this bad. Yesterday I almost masturbated thinking that it’s impossible to completely deprive the body of some sort of sexual pleasure, I stroked for a little without actually finishing, but I was closed to. Today I decided to write this instead of doing that. I want to think that I will surpass this and be back to that clear mindset. I will stay strong another night.

    Thanks for reading my story. I appreciate any advice or story you may want to share. Or I hope this may benefit another reader going through something similar and just know that you are not alone.

    Good luck!
  2. Pinetree

    Pinetree Fapstronaut

    You are being judgemental about yourself through your whole post. Umm, and please don't take this as a judgement.

    You judge yourself for not getting hard enough quickly enough, for acting gay, for masturbating, being insecure, etc.

    As for advice, not sure if you are able to, but try explore the possibility of putting any kind of sex lower on the list of your life priorities. And that includes worrying about not having a girl, or dating a guy or not dating a guy. And I mean as a matter of principle, because the urges will still be there, and sometimes you may act on them.

    There is a lot more to life than sex. There is a lot more to girls than sex. Not sure about guys, because I was once for few weeks on one of those guy meeting sites, and finally ran away, horrified by their pushiness (not sure if that's actually a word).

    And if am allowed to bring the discussion back to sex. There is a lot you can do with a girl, if your dick isn't hard, you can caress her, massage her, kiss her, stimulate various parts of her body with various parts of your body, even talk to her (God forbid). By the way, it's quite possible to insert the penis while fully soft.

    I have no clue what girls expect about the hardness, but maybe there is a way to talk to them and let her know about your insecurities and stuff. You don't need to say everything, just enough so that she knows what's happening to you. I am sure you will be able to find a girl who understands you.

    I could tell you about my penis, but you said you've been with so many guys, so don't you have the answer already ?

    I'm actually curious myself.
    Last edited: Sep 28, 2018
  3. Jtz12342

    Jtz12342 Fapstronaut

    Hey, thanks for your reply. I guess the reason I titled this “No judge zone” is because I probably judge myself enough as you mentioned. Also, I think I put such an emphasis on this and obsess about it because I feel like my sexual life is the one aspect of my life that needs attention. I’m doing pretty well in most other aspects, but this is the one that I really am not satisfied with and I truly feel that sex is important for us (not PMO or MO).

    As for the answer to the question, umm.. so I guess it varied. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. I don’t think I ever asked these guys if it was ever any different with girls.

    I guess I just want the answer to this to see if I can get over this little fear that holds me back when trying to engage in sex with a girl.

    And yea, I keep telling myself I will hopefully find a girl that will understand. I guess I also have to trust more to. ( Oh yea, I have trust issues!)

    Thanks again for your feedback.
  4. Pinetree

    Pinetree Fapstronaut

    Not necessarily trust, but maybe willingness to take risks, sometimes get disappointed and rejected.
    Jtz12342 likes this.
  5. it doesnt matter to them if its immediately hard. but not being able to maintain an erection is one of the biggest turnoffs to women and i had this problem too , so i understand .They see it as a core of your masculinity, and no not only the superficial ones. thats just the way it is , would like it to be different but i didnt make them, complain to the man upstairs :D .(only ones that wont care are low libido women who are not that interested in sex)but maybe thats ok for you?
    but you can fix that if its a real problem for you , and overcome this ed crap. If it happens just dont panic in front of her. Dont expect women to understand if you have it alot of erection failures.they will dump you and tell you an excuse. we dont live in a disney movie. just fix it and love yourself , you are a human so sometimes we are too nervous and thats ok. i really would have love to give you an other answer but i learned from experience its just a fact. and trust me a lot of woman love wild penetration sex and wont be satisfied with oral and cuddly stuff. good luck you shall overcome ! and you are courage to tell your story.
  6. Jtz12342

    Jtz12342 Fapstronaut

    Thanks man that is exactly where I am coming from that I feel like this is how women measure a your masculinity. I have found that once I am comfortable with the woman, I don’t have an issue with this. However, it’s just getting to that point that I guess I’m having a hard time with. I guess it’s like the previous user’s comment, I just have to start getting myself to take risks with these women.

    I really appreciate your response. Thanks!
    Deleted Account likes this.
  7. Jtz12342

    Jtz12342 Fapstronaut

    Thanks dude, yea I think it’s more about drawing up the courage to start trying to go further, and not try to not obsess about this because it will just ruin my chances.
  8. Immature

    Immature Fapstronaut

    I always was hard as soon as I was going to have sex, until I PMO'd to lots of video porn and had total PIED. A reboot of about 5 to 6 weeks got me back to where I could get it up, but pretty much only if the girl gave me a blowjob first. I never really got back to where just imminent sex got me hard.

  9. I use to really avoid sexual encounters because of performance anxiety (or go to prostitutes), but its like the previous poster said, you have to go for it and accept it that rejection failure is part of the game. maybe you should baby step this . also meditation helps , refraining from pmo helps a lot, lifting weights , eating healthy, all the things you know probably. when i stop masturbating for couple of weeks my erection get so hard there is no doubt it will work like a charm. there are additional things you can do for your erection.

    1; do kegels
    2. healthy natural supplements :
    • ashwaganda def try this one , read about it extensively (use the whole root aand make extraction yourself)
    • cordyceps
    • horny goat weed
    • arginine
    • citrulline
    • ...
    the supplements wont adres your underlying fear but it will help you get some good erection to get confidence just to get you started.step by step and when you get more experience and find a women in long relationship you wont need them anymore.
    3. accept you gonne fail sometimes and thats ok.
    4. learn to breath from your belly(i know it sounds woowoo , use to hate woowoocrap , but it helps, so...)
    good luck !
    ps, trust me a lot of men have this problem when they are with a new woman. thats why all the tinderpeople that fuck around use the blue pill and drink because they know they will be too nervous to perform well.
    Jtz12342 likes this.
  10. Jtz12342

    Jtz12342 Fapstronaut

    Wow man, probably if you go longer you might be able to get yourself back to that point. Most of it is mental. I know that is the biggest part of my problem. If your goal is to get back to how it used to be I think perhaps focusing yours sexual drive just towards women and to O just when you are with them should get you back there.

    Best of luck!
    Immature and Deleted Account like this.
  11. Jtz12342

    Jtz12342 Fapstronaut

    Thanks man! I really appreciate all this advice. This definitely lifted me up a little. I have been staying pretty active and working out which has definitely helped out through this. I will try some of the supplements you mentioned. I also know that I can read and ask about this as much as I want but it’s not until I start putting myself out there and really interacting with women that I will see any progress.

    I just matched with some girl on Tinder. It’s funny when I was swiping right I liked her, now that we matched I’m thinking “do I really like her that much?” but I think it’s a way of me subconsciously trying to avoid the interaction with her and potentially the sexual encounter. Anyways, I know I have to go for it. I will post any updates.

    Thanks again.
    PotentLife and Deleted Account like this.
  12. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

    I will clarify as a women the not being able to hold an erection isn’t about us thinking about measuring masculinity. For most of us women if that happens it’s usually wondering/feeling like you may not be into us for some reason. Here’s some thoughts that can go through the OP mind when that happens, something is wrong with us like what we look like to you or are we doing something wrong that is turning him off. Or maybe he isn’t not mentally or emotionally into it for a realistic reason like stress. If alcohol is involved then that’s easy to assume it’s the booze.
    We women have insecurities too that can and do come into play in these situations. Women can and do suffer from performance anxiety as well.
  13. the promise

    the promise Fapstronaut

    U guys write to much couldnt end youre story but ure bisexual .
  14. female attraction is confined just like men within the context of their biology , and it plays a big role subconsciously. i can believe 100 procent it can give you an insecure feeling about yourself. its just only a part of the picture. Men are measured by their status , potency in the bedroom, looks and wealth .personality is important as long the traits of the personality resemble that of confident carefree ambitious man who loves himself. so repeatedly having a weak erection is a very big indicator of lack of confidence. all guys that are not that successful with woman always get an understanding attitude from a female friend .but they wouldn't have sex with him because they dont feel safe and feminine with a vulnerable, insecure man. They want the man to lead in the bedroom for most of the time and how you gonne do that with a weak erection. attraction works almost the same for all mammals. so its very important to work at the problem if you have a healthy libido and want a good sex life with your partner.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 29, 2018
    Immature likes this.
  15. no we dont write too much , you just have a short attention span.
  16. ClaritySeeker

    ClaritySeeker Fapstronaut

    I think a big takeaway that nobody has mentioned here is: Stop drinking alcohol. It might help to avoid making decisions you might not otherwise make when you are sober. It might help avoid ED. Just something to consider.

    Stick with no PMO and I'm sure the ED will improve as well.

    Also, regarding your comments about looking for an easy O; sometimes the best rewards come from those you have to try hard for.
  17. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

    It’s usually the dominant part.
    Tiger uppercut! likes this.
  18. PotentLife

    PotentLife Fapstronaut

    Thanks for your story. As I read, I really liked you and was moved by your kindness and basic goodness in the way you could articulate your quandary. From my experience, erotic preferences are a LOT more fluid than we are told. It's not just straight, gay or bisexual. There is something called neuroplasticity that shows our changeable nature. At least two guys in my SLAA group said that as their porn/sex addiction progressed, they started having more homosexual urges. Gary Wilson in his TEDx talk The Great Porn Experiment refers to such changes in preference as The Coolidge Effect. With my encyclopedia of fetishes, I can definitely say that I have developed attractions where there used to be no attractions. I have also stopped being attracted to women I used to be attracted to for sometimes indescribable reasons. And then for other indescribable reasons sometimes the attraction switch flipped back on. It's so changeable. And nothing has convinced me so far that if our attractions can change for the worse, they can't also change for the better.

    Also, since you've expressed performance anxiety, I'll mention this. From a lot of advice I've gotten from professionals, it might be better to focus on how attracted you actually are to her. I mean, if you have room for performance anxiety in your mind, that's mental space where you're not actually actively being attracted to her. So the attraction goes both ways. It took me ages to really understand this - that I could allow myself the total freedom to be attracted or unattracted, at the same time allowing my partner that freedom, too, without her having to worry she'll hurt my feelings.

    People tend to pick up on our feelings, sometimes mistaking our feelings for their feelings. Maybe you'll discover ways of helping both of you to feel comfortable in the situation. The more comfortable you can get yourself to feel, stretching, yawning, massaging your legs, wiggling your toes, laughing, focusing on what you love about her instead of your own insecurity, the more you can help her to feel comfortable. If you don't happen to have an erection and you can kind of laugh it off, or say that poor Mr. Happy is Mr. Sleepy but that he looks so comfortable being asleep, you might be sending the signal that she is also free to laugh at something that she feels insecure about.

    You sound like a great person who can make many people happy and I'll bet there is a lucky lady out there who will adore you.
    Jtz12342 and Jennica like this.
  19. Jtz12342

    Jtz12342 Fapstronaut

    Thanks Jenniva for providing a females’s perspective on this. It’s funny you mentioned that because the one woman I mentioned in my story who was understanding with me did tell me that she thought it was her. She said she felt that I was always around pretty girls so she felt she might not be pretty enough, and she was beautiful. It’s crazy how insecurities work against us.
    Jennica likes this.
  20. Jtz12342

    Jtz12342 Fapstronaut

    Hi, thank you for these kind words, they really mean a lot. You sound like you are a wise and great person as well. As of right now I am just focusing on trusting myself first and foremost, and then trying to perhaps risk and open up to women more. At this point any attempt will be progress. Even rejection is a step forward.

    Thanks again. I wish you the best.
    PotentLife likes this.

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