No judge zone - I hope

Hey guys,

So first off, let me express that I have nothing against homosexuality. I believe everyone deserves to be happy being who they are, and liking what they like. Period.

I believe it has been around 3 months since I masturbated, consciously (I’ll explain later). It was probably around the first month from refraining from masturbating that I came accross nofap. I thought it was a great community that I had not heard of before. My initial purpose for stopping to masturbate was to better clear my mind (since I have noticed changes when I have done this before for only even a couple weeks) and to push myself to go out and find actually find a girl instead. It was all going very well until maybe 2 weeks ago.

Now, the real story starts:

I’m the midst of this desperation I am feeling, I am sharing this story which I have only shared with my therapist and one other person before to see if it may help me clear my mind and stop thinking of masturbating or doing something stupid.

I was abused at 6 years old by my brother’s brother in laws at the time. They were probably 12, 14. It was all just in the way of “Playing a Game”, which consisted of touching each other and giving oral. This went on innocently for me until about the time I was 12 or so, when I started becoming a little more conscious of what I was doing. During this time I also started to “play” these same games with other cousins and other close little male friends at the time (which really hurts me looking back thinking that they can be going through something similar now because of me, although I’ve brought myself to believe I should not feel guilty for this because I was just a kid too, but I truly regret it and feel sorry about it). Anyway, as I started learning what homosexuality was I began to feel ashamed about this so I stopped.

Before I was abused, I was an active little kid who could not be left alone with little girls because I would always want to play doctor with them and get them naked. I know I was only 5 or so at the time but I really feel I was born heterosexual.

Growing up with that experience was really hard for me because it made me shy and often ashamed and it really took a toll on my life in getting girlfriends. I am 25 now and have only really had one official girlfriend (9th grade - 5 months, didn’t have sex - I know what’s wrong with you?), and then I had a relationship with another girl, it wasn’t official but it was definitely something real (more in her later). Going through middle school and high school and seeing my friends switch between relationships while I just kind of watched was really hard. Of course there was a lot masturbation involved during these years.

Problem # 1

I managed to somewhat lose my virginity to this girl on a drunk night at the age of 17. I say somewhat because I do not know if I had whiskey dick, or ED but I could not fully get hard and come. I was able to get hard enough to penetrate her a little, but then I went soft and couldn’t go anymore. Luckily she was too drunk to realize and just knocked out. (For the record I did not take advantage of her we both decided to get drunk alone in my car I guess to be comfortable with each other). This was the start of my insecurities because now I was not sure if the reason I could not get hard was due to attraction towards her. I mean I liked her, but I was not instantly hard when we were getting down to business.

Question for you guys, are you usually hard as soon as you see a fine woman? Or as soon as you are going to have sex? This is a big part of my insecurity when I think of having sex with a woman that I feel they expect you to be ready to go right away.

Anyways, fast forward a couple years I met this other girl through my cousins, she was about four years older than me and had a kid. We used to drink and party together which is how I think we got so close and being drunk constantly with her gave me the confidence to get at her. For some strange reason we both ended up living together at my brother’s house where we bagan having sex. The first time we had sex, I got hard and then it went down while she was on me. She asked me what was up with me, I tried to play it off (adding more to my insecurities). As we had more sex I began to feel more comfortable around her and I would be ready as soon as we started playing around and toying with each other. So this gave me a sense of perhaps this is all in my mind and it’s just a matter of me being comfortable with the girl. These were great times. Fast forward a little, we moved out of my brother’s and each went our seperate ways. I think we never made it anything official because she had a kid and I think she did not want to put me in a spot where I felt responsible for her kid (especially since I was younger than her) and I don’t think I was just ready for that either, so we distanced ourselves.

As time went on I began to feel like I really needed to get away and figure some things out by myself. So I moved to another state. I think while I was going through middle school and high school I would sometimes find another male attractive and this would make me feel very ashamed. Looking back on it now, I think perhaps even more ashamed than it should have do to my past experience. I think one of the things I had to figure out was my sexuality.

In the past I had masturbated to gay porn from time to time, but it was mostly straight porn that I liked. I also had a fantasy about a 3-some, but instead of with 2 girls, it was with a guy and a girl. Finally with the performance issues I had with the 2 women I mentioned above ( and another girl as well on a couple ocassions), this was something that was just really bothering me and I had to explore it. Also, along the way I was hoping to meet perhaps another “straight” guy in my same situation that might understand me.

I started to go online and meet up with guys. We usually met up and just masturbated together and would maybe exchange oral. I’m not gonna lie, it felt good at the moment, I enjoyed it, but the feeling the next day was always the worst. I felt ashamed. Yet, when I felt lonely (which I constantly felt because I was all by myself in a foreign state) and wanted fast sexual satisfaction, I knew how to find it and fast.

Fast forward a little, I moved back home hoping to leave that life behind. (No I did not get a single girl while I was out there). While I over there I did keep contact with the girl with the kid I mentioned earlier and I really felt like I missed her and she missed me. As soon as I got back we had sex, and it was great, it felt like I had not left and we had not parted. At this time I felt like to actually wanted something with her and was now mature enough to take the responsibility of her kid. We started talking a little more like a couple than we did before. However, I soon noticed that she was somebody not willing to change for the better. I am somebody who I am always working on bettering myself, she just wanted to drink and party. So I decided I had to put an end to it.

After this, I started getting those desires again and couldn’t help it and went online and started to meet up with guys again (which I had promised myself I would not do when I was back home). This eventually made me feel so bad and depressed, borderline suicidal, that I decided to go see a therapist. Therapy worked great. After about a month and a half I walked out of there feeling super confident. I actually met another girl who I automatically fell in love with. She is just perfect and we hung out a couple times. With this new acquired confidence at the time I managed for her to take me home. We got to her bed. I LAYED IN BED WITH HER. And DID NOTHING. (*palm to face*). I think mostly because in my mind I was so focused bout not being hard right there in that moment, and could this perhaps been because I was nervous? I don’t know, anyways another failed attempt. The girl kind of distanced herself from me ( I think because of that fail). So to cope with this, I went online and met up with some random guy.

I stopped. Then a few months later I did it again, and finally again feeling really ashamed and unsatisfied with myself I went back to therapy. Me and my therapist came to the conclusion that the random hook ups with guys is like a coping habit for me. She said that although there is nothing wrong with homosexuality, if doing this does not make me happy, then I should not continue to hurt myself this way. She suggested that we treat this just like we should treat a drug addiction. It seems that I turn to this when I want fast and easy release.

Anyways, so I followed her advice to stay away from meeting up with guys at the same time I felt that many times, the more I masturbated, the hornier I would get so that is why I also decided to stop masturbating in order to avoid having any urges. As the weeks went by I started looking more into the benefits of having stopped masturbating and that is how I cane accross nofap.

Everything was going great! Clear head, I have joined the gym and been very consistent, I was doing great at work. I was being very social, which I am not always (I am typically more on the shy side). My desire for women and attraction was through the roof, I thought nothing of other guys. I actually started to start talk to the last girl I just mentioned again ( still have not been able to fully get through to her again, that fail is going to take a lot to come back from). Everything was going great.

So now, about a month ago or so, I went out, got reaaaally drunk, to where I don’t remember how I got home. The next day while I was in the shower I noticed my penis was kind of hurt, kind of what it looks like after I have sex. This concerned me because I did not remember anything of the night before. I first thought maybe I actually had sex with a girl, but that would be to good to be true. Then I was afraid perhaps I had done something stupid and met up with some guy online ( by the way when I am drunk I seem to lose my attraction towards guys), but after retracing my steps and talking with my friends it sounds like the most probable thing was that maybe I masturbated?? But my underwear was clean so idk if maybe I just stroked. Till this day I’m not sure.

Anyhow, ever since then I have not been feeling that great. I feel that desire for sex to the point where I think about it a lot throughout the day. I try to go to the gym to see if I will burn enough energy to lower these urges, but it’s not working. I made myself a promise that I would not masturbate until I have sex with a girl. It’s just so hard to try to get a girl when you’re desperate for sex (especially if you are not that great with girls to begin with).

I’ve joined tinder to see if maybe I could meet a girl there, but unlike with meeting up with guys and pretty much just asking for what you want, you actually have to sweet talk them and all this shit. I just don’t think I have the undefined patience for it right now.

(Also, I should have noted earlier is that even with guys I was not always hard right away, but I did t really care because I felt like these guys were more just like friends who would understand. I didn’t feel that pressure like with girls who may be quick to judge.)

I’m at a point right now where I am finding guys attractive again, and this gives me anxiety, which leads to give me those urges. Which leads to insecurities again because it makes me feel that I’m gay although in my clearest mindset I have really discovered that I’m not ( and I do not deny anything that I have done before, nor do I tell myself it didn’t happen but I am aware of the circumstances in my life that led me to this.)

I really don’t want to meet up with a guy because I know that although that may calm the urge temporarily, it will take a big toll on me emotionally and sexually afterwards.

Anyways, I want to think that this is just because it’s been so long now and I had not had the urges in the last 3 months come to me so hard. Maybe once, but I don’t think it was this bad. Yesterday I almost masturbated thinking that it’s impossible to completely deprive the body of some sort of sexual pleasure, I stroked for a little without actually finishing, but I was closed to. Today I decided to write this instead of doing that. I want to think that I will surpass this and be back to that clear mindset. I will stay strong another night.

Thanks for reading my story. I appreciate any advice or story you may want to share. Or I hope this may benefit another reader going through something similar and just know that you are not alone.

Good luck!

 

Hey, thanks for your reply. I guess the reason I titled this “No judge zone” is because I probably judge myself enough as you mentioned. Also, I think I put such an emphasis on this and obsess about it because I feel like my sexual life is the one aspect of my life that needs attention. I’m doing pretty well in most other aspects, but this is the one that I really am not satisfied with and I truly feel that sex is important for us (not PMO or MO).

As for the answer to the question, umm.. so I guess it varied. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. I don’t think I ever asked these guys if it was ever any different with girls.

I guess I just want the answer to this to see if I can get over this little fear that holds me back when trying to engage in sex with a girl.

And yea, I keep telling myself I will hopefully find a girl that will understand. I guess I also have to trust more to. ( Oh yea, I have trust issues!)

Thanks again for your feedback.

 

Thanks man that is exactly where I am coming from that I feel like this is how women measure a your masculinity. I have found that once I am comfortable with the woman, I don’t have an issue with this. However, it’s just getting to that point that I guess I’m having a hard time with. I guess it’s like the previous user’s comment, I just have to start getting myself to take risks with these women.

I really appreciate your response. Thanks!

 

Thanks dude, yea I think it’s more about drawing up the courage to start trying to go further, and not try to not obsess about this because it will just ruin my chances.

 

Wow man, probably if you go longer you might be able to get yourself back to that point. Most of it is mental. I know that is the biggest part of my problem. If your goal is to get back to how it used to be I think perhaps focusing yours sexual drive just towards women and to O just when you are with them should get you back there.

Best of luck!

 

Thanks man! I really appreciate all this advice. This definitely lifted me up a little. I have been staying pretty active and working out which has definitely helped out through this. I will try some of the supplements you mentioned. I also know that I can read and ask about this as much as I want but it’s not until I start putting myself out there and really interacting with women that I will see any progress.

I just matched with some girl on Tinder. It’s funny when I was swiping right I liked her, now that we matched I’m thinking “do I really like her that much?” but I think it’s a way of me subconsciously trying to avoid the interaction with her and potentially the sexual encounter. Anyways, I know I have to go for it. I will post any updates.

Thanks again.

 

Thanks Jenniva for providing a females’s perspective on this. It’s funny you mentioned that because the one woman I mentioned in my story who was understanding with me did tell me that she thought it was her. She said she felt that I was always around pretty girls so she felt she might not be pretty enough, and she was beautiful. It’s crazy how insecurities work against us.

 

Hi, thank you for these kind words, they really mean a lot. You sound like you are a wise and great person as well. As of right now I am just focusing on trusting myself first and foremost, and then trying to perhaps risk and open up to women more. At this point any attempt will be progress. Even rejection is a step forward.

Thanks again. I wish you the best.