No Longer Have the Answers

Hello.

I no longer have the answers. Sometimes I think I barely know what to ask.
A bit of a long intro ahead.

About six months into my marriage I discovered my husband had a major porn issue. When I was combining our things together into one space I found so many CD's filled with so many disgusting and vile images that my brain could hardly comprehend what I was looking at. My husband told me how addicted he was, it started when he was 12.

First, I thought well maybe it is not that bad. Let me watch it with him. Yeah, that was not the answer I felt horrible and felt just like a vessel. I was no longer me, but just a body to deposit his cum in.

Then we tried counseling at our church. It was going ok, but we both eventually lost interest.

Then he tried a group at another church that really did help him. I loved it. He was clean for over a month. Then we moved states, and couldn't find a program like the one he was going to.

Skip ahead a few years and my husband starts EMT school. He then asks out one of the other students. He is going on Craigslist, Ashley Madison, etc. to try to hook up. He even had plans to hook up with an old high school friend but the worse stomach flu he ever had happened that day. I think that was God, lol. I devastated. We tried a church group again but he insists I go with him. I was not comfortable in the group.

Here we are 12 years later and a couple days ago he tried going on Tinder again. 2-3 weeks ago I showed him the NoFap community and he liked it better than a church thing because it used science to explain how he developed severe PIED.

He started 4 days again posting in the forums. Today was supposed to be day 4, it is day 0. He already doesn't take his phone to work or anywhere where I am not. I was in the living room and he was in the bedroom. He admitted to failing.

It hurts even though I know he loves me fiercely. I know he thinks I am attractive even though I am heavy and now older. I know this is an awful addiction, but man it still hurts. He could have chosen me, I was here and available. Our sex life is basically non-existent. About 3 months ago I finally shared with him that I am not intimate with him much because I feel like I can't trust him. Intimacy for me is way more than sex it is connecting on that deeper level where I can be totally free and transparent. I think deep down I feel like I am competing with the women in his videos.

I have stayed faithful, even though I have wanted to at least develop a friendship with a male that can replace the mental intimacy that I am lacking from my husband. I don't and I won't ever.

Like I said, I don't know the questions. I don't know what to do. 12 years with this and my heart is broken.

Enough about him. I am a broken too, I think we are all in some way. I am a childhood abuse survivor/foster kid. I have PCOS and hypothyroidism that messes with my hormones and emotions. I spend my days either at Disney or writing about Disney on my blog. My faith is important to me and it is important to our house. I am praying that this secular version of online help will help my husband so my marriage can be healed and he and I can have a sex life again.

 

Just a quick question on how these journals are supposed to work. Do I make my next entry in this thread or do create a new thread? Thanks!