No more desire to live

In the background of my being, since I was very young, there has been a subtle desire to die. My body has always repulsed me to the point that I consider it something that is "not me", and therefore I have always gone through this life as if it were a way-station. The feeling within me has always been that I am female, and consequently the male body is something that feels forced onto me against my will.

To distract myself from my profound discontent and my sense of alientation from my body, I plunged myself into all kinds of debauchery and ridiculousness. PMO was always the ultimate goal. Now I am at a point where the pull of death is stronger than the pull of PMO. There is nothing in this life for me to look forward to, and no reason to believe that anything will change for me.

When I smoke weed I become meditative, and in that state an unhurriedness arises; I simply sit content knowing that death will come, and I do not have to do anything to bring it about. Since this is an intellectual conviction, it would seem that I should be able to bring it about without substances. Yet when I am not using, I tend to end up in a state of frenzy, because if I am not distracting myself with something, my mind begins to recycle suicidal thoughts. "Kill yourself asap, this is a waste of life, I hate this" and so forth. It is almost as though I am two separate people. Personality A is impatient and perpetually dissatisfied. Personality B is a desireless and silent being that exists above the body.

It seems almost as though I am more sober when I am stoned. Waiting patiently somehow seems more sensible than taking the matter into my own hands. If anybody here has advice on how to cultivate the "stoned" state without ingesting external substances, I would love to hear some ideas.