No more desire to live

Discussion in 'Off-topic Discussion' started by PappinAce, Feb 16, 2021.

  1. PappinAce

    PappinAce Fapstronaut

    In the background of my being, since I was very young, there has been a subtle desire to die. My body has always repulsed me to the point that I consider it something that is "not me", and therefore I have always gone through this life as if it were a way-station. The feeling within me has always been that I am female, and consequently the male body is something that feels forced onto me against my will.

    To distract myself from my profound discontent and my sense of alientation from my body, I plunged myself into all kinds of debauchery and ridiculousness. PMO was always the ultimate goal. Now I am at a point where the pull of death is stronger than the pull of PMO. There is nothing in this life for me to look forward to, and no reason to believe that anything will change for me.

    When I smoke weed I become meditative, and in that state an unhurriedness arises; I simply sit content knowing that death will come, and I do not have to do anything to bring it about. Since this is an intellectual conviction, it would seem that I should be able to bring it about without substances. Yet when I am not using, I tend to end up in a state of frenzy, because if I am not distracting myself with something, my mind begins to recycle suicidal thoughts. "Kill yourself asap, this is a waste of life, I hate this" and so forth. It is almost as though I am two separate people. Personality A is impatient and perpetually dissatisfied. Personality B is a desireless and silent being that exists above the body.

    It seems almost as though I am more sober when I am stoned. Waiting patiently somehow seems more sensible than taking the matter into my own hands. If anybody here has advice on how to cultivate the "stoned" state without ingesting external substances, I would love to hear some ideas.
  2. PanteriMauzer

    PanteriMauzer Fapstronaut

    Suicide is the ultimate defeat so have faith and dont quite
  3. With all the issues you listed out, it would not be far-fetched to recommend a psych or a therapist. It's hard to tackle those kind of issues alone. Best of luck!
    Last edited: Feb 16, 2021
  4. SickSicko

    SickSicko Fapstronaut

    You need to stop the pot ASAP, you are suffering from some heavy dissociation, it's a very dangerous slippery slope if not handled properly, and smoking is a huge factor of it, I've been there, also that "stoned" state, is indeed achievable without substances, but you need to be careful because right now you seem to be at a tilting point.

    There is no 2 personalities in your head, what you experiencing is dissociation, it can be a very good enriching thing, or it can turn into a very nasty ugly thing...
  5. alexandrebois

    alexandrebois Fapstronaut

    Hey man it’s normal. It’s just some PMO side effects.
    Just be patient, you can only fully Heal from PMO after more than 1 year at least.

    that’s just some Pmo side effects and numbness flatline. Stay strong.

    what i do before i sleep to become happy is : Think about all the good stuff you would do if you won the Lottery and think of it as if it was real and feel the same happiness

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