No Sense of Direction...

Hey guys will try not to bore you too much but I need some serious advice on just how to get my life on track. As many of you I was corrupted and exposed to porn at a young age and then you know how the story goes from there so no need to discuss this.

What I'm really here to talk about is how to get somewhere in life. I had a pretty messed up family growing up just dysfunctional so studying was never my thing I flopped school etc and my dreams and goals were always very "unrealistic" as some people would say things like trying to become a pro skater, pro sports person and then when I discovered people played FPS games in tournaments and took it seriously way back in 2007 that became my drug and it felt like the most realistic thing I had in my life as I was good at it, I had played vs the top guys and proved myself so I just thought it's a matter of time but the point is that was my love, my passion my desire in life to be the best at that game (counter strike).

Obviously being the degenerate I was I never focused myself properly, got complacent and gave into pleasures of life like girlfriends, partying etc and for the next years between lets say 2009-2015 I just didn't commit myself fully to it and was very inconsistent. I also enjoyed making videos even way back in 2006 so I thought I'll try to become a YouTuber and once again I had immediate success and as usual stopped and never committed myself to it. I then entered a pretty eye opening relationship that had a huge impact on my life and also began working a dead end job which I'm still in today as obviously by this point I'm 27 or so years old and currently 30+.

Fast forward to today I still have hopes and dreams of doing something in a creative sense as that is where my brain works best, I'm a pretty good artist and just generally think that is where my destiny if there is one belongs and my other dream is to have a body I can be proud of. My problem is I am so scattered and unclear about setting a true goal as I think "oh you're so stupid to want to do YouTube or something in creative field it's just a pipedream" and then the other hand believes I have the capability of doing it due to my numerous glimpses of success in these fields.

I'm in a catch22 as I don't take any action and end up literally just wasting my day in bed or just scatter braining myself throughout the day doing art for 20min then, editing, then playing piano, then watching bs, then just laying in bed because I think my ideas are stupid yet I could have just gone for them in all the years I've been thinking about it because it's not like I did anything else in that time I just wasted it....

Anyone else like this and any tips on how I can organize and focus myself?

Thank you once again guys it means a lot!

 

@absoluteminded Thank you for the message my friend you are very right we only live one life so why should I waste it worrying about bs it's refreshing to hear!

@Don80 Thank for the message too my friend. No I would not be trying to become a professional gamer now it is way too late for that and as you said it requires full time dedication which I can't do as I work full time anyway. I meant to make YouTube videos which I've done in the past and had success but then did not continue also I find making videos combines two passions of mine of gaming and artistic side of things. I will deffo be keeping my job I can't afford to lose not work and like you said I want to just try stuff like this maybe make a page or something for my artwork. I have so many sketch books I could even just start by posting and sharing those it would be fun for me.

The relationship stuff I need advice on but may have to make another thread about it as there is one person who has stood out from all the bad girls I attract but there are some issues with it anyway thanks!

 

Much like you I also dream to draw realistic portraits I'm currently obsessed with drawing eyes and in ballpoint pen in particular. My problem is due to my laziness and bad habits I don't actually try to learn proper techniques, like I'll look at stuff vaguely, never take time to sit and draw from reference only from the mind but I have a story to tell you whilst we're on the subject and seeing as you're into drawing or were...

Like most people or a lot of people here I had quite a messed up childhood, just dysfunctional family stuff, low self esteem etc etc won't get into all that. Anyway I was always drawing as a kid but just thought I was shit so I quit drawing by hand at age 15. I still expressed my art type stuff through more graphic design stuff as that yielded better results but even that I did on/off regardless it was a replacement for hand drawing and happened without intention really (got into photoshop because I wanted to mod the kits of a cricket game). Anyhow around my early 20s I basically stopped all of it and just started my degenerate lifestyle in terms of drinking, going out a lot, just not doing anything productive.

Fast forward to 2019 I am in a dead end job but the place I've been sent to work was some sort of a showroom and many of the staff were designers and architects, so one day they had a painting competition and I just saw their paintings and something told me inside that they're not that good and I can do better. My job has an insane amount of downtime so to occupy myself I got a little sketchpad and began to draw whilst on shift. But here is the weird thing, everything about drawing just clicked somehow like I just understood how to do it, how to make something pop etc don't get me wrong there are a loooooooooooooot of bad and mediocre drawings, I did practice at work when I could but it just made sense to me compared to say learning maths...On top of that my dad side and even my immediate family is littered with artists so I began to think maybe this is my natural talent, my father, my sister, my brother, cousins, uncles, aunts you name it they can all draw/play instruments some even do art as a profession.

But as usually I dropped the hobby on and off since 2019, never really practice properly (just do random doodles and see if I can make them into something) which in a way makes me think maybe if I did practice hardcore I would be even better. I think if you enjoy then why not continue, I wish I could learn coding or something too as it seems like good money but again I just don't know where to start...