No sex life. Is it possible? Please help.

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Kris0919, Oct 31, 2016.

  1. Kris0919

    Kris0919 New Fapstronaut

    I’ll get straight to the point. I recently turned 40. I am married and with 2 young daughters. My wife was a huge mistake unfortunately and the marriage is but dead for all intents and purposes. I cook my own food, wash my own clothes and dishes.. And I am the only provider in the family. About 2 years ago during a heated argument, my wife called the cops on me even though I never laid a finger on her. Since then I’m disgusted and repulsed at this marriage. We wanted to go the divorce route but then I know it’ll not be very good for my Children… plus I really do not want lose more than half of what I’ve worked so hard to earn. I cannot be away from my children.. I cannot have them grow up without a father or a mother. Plus, the fact that I love my children very deeply and can’t bear to be separated from them. I am a successful engineer by profession and make well over 6 figures and that one incident was the breaking point.. After 10 years or so of a very rough ride in the marriage.. With the constant bickering and clashes. Our personalities don’t match and even though there were periods of peace and compromises (which is when my 2nd daughter was conceived), over all it’s a failed marriage. My first daughter was conceived within the same month of the wedding 13 years ago when my wife assured me she was protected and wouldn’t get pregnant. Then when she got pregnant she wanted to abort and I begged her not to since I didn’t want to lose my flesh and blood. Thankfully she had agreed. Anyway.. Now coming to the reason for this post. I’ve been without sex or the touch of a woman for over 2 years now. It’s not like sex was great in the past.. It wasn’t.. And ironically I’m a very sexual person full of passion and lust. Needless to say, the only solace has been masturbation and porn. I’m not into extreme hardcore and things like that even though I have my fetishes. For example I am not into pain and bdsm and that kind of sex.. For the most part I’m into ordinary sex with a fetish for panties, assholes, sniffing that kind of stuff.. They are quirks I’ll admit.. But that is all I have at this point.

    I do not want to find sex outside of marriage. I have 2 girls and I believe in Karma.. And I strongly believe in a Higher Power. As such I believe that if I commit adultery or sin of that magnitude, the retribution would be felt by the family, which is unacceptable. But then physically and psychologically I YEARN for sex and intimacy…

    What I am worried about is how long I can be this way without sex or touch and if it’s even possible. These days I am more repulsed than interested in porn because I am preparing myself for the reality of leading the rest of my life without sex. So why go further down the rabbit hole when you know it is a dead end!. That sort of thinking. . That is not to say that I don’t watch and jerk off to porn now and then. I’ve kept a log for the past 2 years and It seems on an average, I jerk off about 20 -25 times a month.. 90% of that is with porn (and I have a huge collection that I download and watch).

    I really don’t know how to deal with this in the future. I’ve been tempted to seek prostitutes .. but then I’m reminded of my girls and stop myself.. I’ve been tempted to seek it with female friends, a few of whom - it is quite a possibility… but again.. I’m ridden by guilt and thought of my kids… I’m a lonely guy with really not much prospect of having sex.

    Is it possible for a man with such lust and desires to live the rest of his life without sex? Are there any side-affects to not having sex at all while a part of you craves for it?
    Any suggestions, advice and insights on anything I've written here and beyond will be greatly appreciated. Thank you and sorry for the long post.
    Headspace likes this.
  2. mondays_suck

    mondays_suck Fapstronaut

    Its such a hard route to follow, but so noble if followed. If you want to dedicate, pledge, like a priest would do for example. You live for a higher good which is your girls. Now convince yourself that you are free. If you choose whatever you choose, do it like a father of two would. Dedication. So if you still feel enthusiastic, you should gather up all your porn collected, burn the stuff and delete the data. Relentlessly. Watch them burn and the progress bar fill. That would be a nice big manly step.
  3. mondays_suck

    mondays_suck Fapstronaut

    Its such a hard route to follow, but so noble if followed. If you want to dedicate, pledge, like a priest would do for example. You live for a higher good which is your girls. Now convince yourself that you are free. If you choose whatever you choose, do it like a father of two would. Dedication. So if you still feel enthusiastic, you should gather up all your porn collected, burn the stuff and delete the data. Relentlessly. Watch them burn and the progress bar fill. That would be a nice big manly step.
  4. I think divorce is awful and painful. I always believe in exhausting every option first. Have you tried counseling? Have you ever worked through the police incident? It sounds like a lot of trust was lost that day. Without trust a marriage fails. How can you have intimate, bonding sex with someone you hold such contempt for?

    If you have given up, then give up. Don't quit in place.

    If the marriage is truly dead (do you sleep in the same bed?) then you may be hurting your children more by modeling an unhealthy marriage. Do they see you two laugh? Kiss? Have conflict and resolve? What does your marriage give your girls to hope for in the marriages they will have?

    Imagine if you got divorced, found a woman you truly love, and your daughters saw that? Nothing will erase the pain of divorce. But nothing can erase living with parents who have been bitter forever.

    You have big decisions to make. Bigger than going without sex.
  5. Kris0919

    Kris0919 New Fapstronaut

    Thank you all for your replies. It helps.

    No we do not sleep in the same bed. Havent done that for a while.
    We haven't gone past the police incident either. One main reason for that is that she never apologized. Not even once. My pride doesn't let me even drink water from her hands. That's why since then I take care of all my needs. When we were contemplating divorce, I asked her for counselling. She replied back in a single word saying NO.
    I sometimes worry about how all this appears to my oldest girl who is now 11. She doesn't see us fighting all the time,but she does see cook my own food etc. Someyime we watch movies together as a family and go out to restaurants etc as a family.
    Its been two years and not once has she apologized. She is heartless as far as I am concerned. She sees me toil all day at work and come home and so more work and yet she sits at home and God only knows does what. How can I even think about having sex with such a woman?
    I don't love her at all anymore. That is the truth. But I am not sure some other woman who can satisfy my needs is the answer. I love my children way too much to fall in their eyes as a father who cheated. But at the same time my lonlineless is very very depressing.
  6. Ikindaknew

    Ikindaknew Fapstronaut

    I understand that you dont want to give her half of your stuff. But I only see suffering in your story. Staying with her is not gonna give you or your kids a great environment to life in.

    Living without sex is very tough and sad. She doesnt want counselling, she doesnt want to be part of the solution....why staying?
  7. Darkstar 22.84

    Darkstar 22.84 Fapstronaut

    First of all: I'm a 32 year old guy who's never been into a marriage, never had kids but I want to, sometime in the future.
    I've seen a marriage fail with mine own two eyes (my parents).
    I've promised myself I won't end up like them.

    You know what hurt me the most? That they stayed together.
    I've always begged Mom to leave Dad (he was a violent alcoholic) but she never listened.
    In the end, he died, left us traumatized and when I asked why she didn't leave she told me

    'Because I wanted you to have a mother and a father.'

    Here's the kicker. I wanted her to be happy.
    She sacrificed her own well-being for me. I felt guilty all my life.
    So much so, that I'm denying my own right to happiness.

    See where I'm going with this?

    To hell with everything you worked for. You have to be your own best friend.
    Sexual compatibility is the first thing in a marriage.
    Then comes communication.

    If you want to keep your stuff (you can always get new stuff) and be miserable, then stay right there.
    Your daughters will choose by themselves which side to take.
    Normally, they will get indoctrinated by the parent who gets custody.

    Under American law, the Mother often gets it. But there are exceptions.
    If you can prove she's an unfit mother.
    But you also have to prove to the Judge you can fill up her shoes.
    So far, you can.

    If you cook,clean and do the dishes, you are already your own perfect wife.
    Kidding aside, you don't have to WAIT forever for that perfect gall to come into your life.

    Life's short. Nuclear war could wipe us all out in an instant.
    You really want to wake up one day, on your dying bed and think:

    'Gee, I wish I would've done more for myself. Then, maybe I would've been happier. My girls would've been happier too.'
    I know you love your daughters.
    I know it's hard to contemplate losing them.

    But you won't.
    You'll get to see them.

    Unless you have anger management issues or your wife's Divorce Attorney can pin you as a mental case (which is the worse case scenario) you WILL see your girls in the future.

    But you have to get out.
    I'm not the one to take the 'Sacrifice myself' route anymore.
    I won't make my Mother's mistake and stay in a toxic marriage.

    If there is no love, why would there be happiness?
    If there is no happiness between you two, why would your children be happy?
    You think they don't see?

    I've always knew when my Mother and Father fought. It always insulted my intelligence when they denied it.
    Don't insult their intelligence.
    Just tell them the truth. Or a softer version of the truth.
    The 'Daddy's gonna go away for a time' speech will hurt like hell. They will resent you, they will feel abandoned.
    But if they love you and respect you as their Father and if they know what you've been doing all these years for them...
    then, the story changes.

    The more you hide from them, the more her story will prevail.
    The quieter you are, the more of a bad portrait you're making.
    Women like honesty.

    Be honest to your girls.
    To your wife.
    To yourself.

  8. Headspace

    Headspace Fapstronaut

    I don't know... growing up in a dead marriage might be worse than growing up in an honestly divorced one. I know a few people who grew up without a father, and they don't seem to have been damaged by that. My parents parted ways right after me and my siblings had moved out. I'm not sure if I'm thankful for them staying together until then. They both immediately went to new relationships which have each lasted for five years now, and when I saw them that way I first was like: "Oh, so my parents are actually capable of expressing love to their lover."
  9. Love all your comments Darkstar. Thanks for sharing so raw and vulnerably.

    I only want to pettily differ on sexual compatibility being the first thing. It is a very important thing. But I truly believe loves comes first. If a couple is intimate and vulnerable and can openly communicate, that is true compatibility. people get old. Injury and illness can occur. Sex may disappear for long stretches. But love sustains a marriage IMHO.

    Thanks for all your bold words!
  10. Pursuit__Of__Happiness

    Pursuit__Of__Happiness Fapstronaut

    I fully agree with aforesaid comments. They are very true. Being born in a family with an emotionally unavailable abusive father, I know how much it sucks. Nobody can be happy in such a situation. The very concept of pushing things forcibly for the sake of the fear of losing people, money, etc. is flawed. You can't fake happiness, peace. Look, if you are not truly happy, satisfied and in peace, then you can't give it to others, no matter how much you try it. Your children won't be small forever, they will grow up someday, and trust me they won't be happy to find themselves in such a place.

    I am not telling you to immediately seek a divorce, but you should try genuinely once again to get things in order. I am not saying that you haven't tried. But, sometimes we feel that we know all the truth, or what we think is right and the other person is wrong. Sometimes, we feel that despite doing a lot, people don't understand us. But, the harsh truth is everybody feels the same way. Everybody feels that they are right. In my opinion, you should doubt your opinions. You should give the benefit of doubt to your wife. She too may have some grievances against you. Have you ever truly stepped yourself into her shoes? Have you really tried to understand her feelings? If not, then genuinely try again, not from a position of ego, hatred, but from a position of love, patience and forgiveness. Try this from the bottom of your heart, please. I hope, you both get back the lost spark of your marriage. Think, there was a reason that both of you decided to be together in the first place. Hope both of you could discover the reason again. That would be the best option for your family.

    If still after trying all this, and genuinely trying, you deeply feel that you can't live with that person anymore and it's over for both of you, then I have already mentioned at the start, what you should do. But, remember, only you know, what is best for you and your family, dig deep down, be honest, you will get your answers. May God bless you all and bring the happiness over everybody's faces. Best wishes.
    Last edited: Nov 4, 2016
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  11. Frühlingstimme

    Frühlingstimme Fapstronaut


    Let me take a breath.

    I fully understand why your wife want to leave you.

    HAVE YOU EVEN FOR ONE SECOND THOUGHT THAT THE PROBLEM IS YOU? You never stopped watching porn and wants your marriage to not be dead? You should bring coffee to your wife everyday on the bed, kiss her feet and thank her for not leaving a man such as you.

    NO, BUT YOU ARE THE HERO. YOU ENDURED A MARRIAGE WITHOUT LOVE. Just look at what you said. Going out with acquaintances? You are not lonely, you're just ignoring your wife.

    I never had a woman in my life and HEY I'M NOT DEAD! Of course you can abstain. Your sex drive is not abnormal, you're just a weak man.

    Do yourself a favor. If you are so successful break up with your wife and let her be happy, or try to make peace with her and be happy for real, in a true marriage. Where there is will, there is a way. If she refuses you, no matter what, then she leaves no choice.

    I understand that children are important. Children are for ever, marriage is not. Think about it.

    PS> Don't get emotional, I just think you are the problem your marriage isn't going well. No woman likes to be cheated. Delete that porn collection.
  12. badeae1

    badeae1 Fapstronaut

    I just came here to say that no one knows what is the best thing expect you yourself know it already. It will be difficult. Unfortunately I feel terrible that I can't help you.

    But please don't stay in a bad marriage. My parents are still together but have always fought and my father has had multiple affairs. So I'm going to tell you that if your staying for the "kids", trust me your doing more damage than healing.

    I honestly would advice a life coach or therapist someone who can give real educated answers based on previous cases. I sincerely wish you the best.

    Stay clean
  13. djeffdog

    djeffdog Fapstronaut

    Hey Kris... Just wanted to say that I am in a very similar situation. I am 45, married over 20 years, 2 kids. I love my kids but my marriage has been completely dead for years. We stay together for the kids. I used to satisfy my desire for sex through pornography and masturbation. Now I am almost a month without orgasm on my 90 day reboot. I am not sure how long I can go without love, sex, or intimacy. I do know that after a while, you can get by without wanting it so much. I think it is possible to just do without it forever and still be happy. I find that meditation and living in the moment makes it suck somewhat less. I wish you all the best in finding happiness.
    Saskia likes this.
  14. dengdaodeng

    dengdaodeng Fapstronaut

    I am sorry. I thins sex is nature. Maybe we just don't find the right person. Or maybe we just do the right things.
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2016
  15. I feel for you, it must be a very tough situation. I'm 20 years older, the reason I don't have relations with my dear one, is that she went through cancer surgery and two Caesarean sections, and of course, also got a lot older, so I just lost all attraction (although on the positive side we are least good companions and friends). But I too am trying to altogether abstain. I generally succeed, my pattern is typically that I fall off the wagon once or maybe twice in a month. Makes me feel very guilty when I do, as I'm also trying to live the spiritual life, and this is something that undermines it.

    Here's one point though - Western culture, so-called, puts enormous and unjustified emphasis on sex. It is kind of expected that everyone has to have sex all the time. In many films, even fairly family-friendly films, two characters will fall into bed almost as soon as they meet, and that is perfectly normalised. Like, to think negatively of it is regarded as being repressive or backwards.

    It is really hard to resist the urge, because the 'urge' has a lot of weight behind it - the whole Darwinian thing of the genes wanting to propagate. Plus you're in a culture where everything encourages you to go with that. That's our situation. So the voice in your head that rationalises it and says 'it's OK, everyone does it' - I think that is not a good voice. That is social conditioning, combined with biology. It sets us up to fail at this. Bear that in mind.
  16. LateSpring

    LateSpring Fapstronaut

    Some great advice by badassreturns FreshStartJames

    Think badass hit the nail on the head with this one. I understand you want to blame everything on your wife but you married her for some reason. I'm thinking positive qualities right. Try to look at what you are doing wrong and fix this-often it is not easy to see what we're doing wrong in our lives so we need help. I would advice counselling just for you alone to see how your actions affect her behavior. I think you have to learn how to be the head of the household and leader in your family, your wife should never be calling the police on you. If all else fails divorce is always an option but self examination should be first though more difficult.
  17. UpendiT

    UpendiT Fapstronaut

    Reboot before you make a decision. P/MO addiction will make you a terrible decision maker. Also, 25 times a month is way too much and your extreme lust is a product of overindulgence.

    Now, delete your P and stop thinking about sex altogether for a few months. You don't even like having a stash of bullshit on your PC anyway, trust me.

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