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braveheart56
Guest
Man you have changed! does she know the specifics of this site? what is the chance she will be on here?
no sex with wife so turned to a friend
- Thread starter RicoDavidson
- Start date
RicoDavidson
Fapstronaut
Thank you Braveheart but I don't totally agree that i have changed. I have the idea of change and i am trying my best to change but it is going to take longer. I hope i am in the right process of change.
I have talked to Kathy about my addiction to porn. Did that almost a week ago and mentioned NoFap and that i am posting on a web site. Didn't show her or spell it out but she is smart enough to figure it out if she wanted to. I haven't gone into detail about the site. I want to be able to share the support of the people on here.
It is only a matter of time. I need to figure out how to tell her. She deserves to know the truth.
Believe me i am open to suggestions. I am an emotional person. She will see right through me. Funny that i was confident in the lifestyle i chose and after four years was so used to hiding the truth that it became second nature. Now i am falling apart.
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braveheart56
Guest
Thats what I meant by change. You were pretty unrepentant at the start now you are hanging on to your wife for dear life. I can tell you love her. thats huge.
I don't know your wife but I had to tell mine 20 years ago about affairs I had and it was tough. Then recently after 18 years of faithfulness I had to tell her about PMO. My wife was willing to fight through both times and I know that is very rare these days. She is one committed woman and a wonderful wife.
My point is there is no gaurantee she will not leave you. I am a Christian so I would be praying for God to lead me in a decision like that. I can do that for you too. If you arent a man of faith just trust your gut. You know your wife best and when you sense its time do it.
Phunkie
Fapstronaut
Rico, I believe that no matter what happens in this life, the good things will always be good.
It is always good to love. It is always good to communicate. And it is always good to be honest, especially when it is to someone we love.
It is going to be hard, and it is going to suck, and there may be a lot of tears shed, but I do believe that telling your wife about everything will set you free. It always gets bad before it gets better.
Sending you tons of love my friend and I am praying for you and your wife.
It is always good to love. It is always good to communicate. And it is always good to be honest, especially when it is to someone we love.
It is going to be hard, and it is going to suck, and there may be a lot of tears shed, but I do believe that telling your wife about everything will set you free. It always gets bad before it gets better.
Sending you tons of love my friend and I am praying for you and your wife.
TheWife
Distinguished Fapstronaut
Hello,
I don't have much advice here. It is a very tough call and a decision you need to make on your own. You need to be prepared for the consequences if you go ahead with this.
If you do tell your wife, please be totally honest. Be up front and let her know you will answer any question she has in as much depth as she wants.
Do not provide information in small amounts. As harsh as it seems to confess everything at the one time, it is better as it is all out in the open and then she can consider her options, and start to heal. Information dripped out over time restarts the process with each revelation and makes it extremely difficult to move forward.
I wish you both all the best.
X
I don't have much advice here. It is a very tough call and a decision you need to make on your own. You need to be prepared for the consequences if you go ahead with this.
If you do tell your wife, please be totally honest. Be up front and let her know you will answer any question she has in as much depth as she wants.
Do not provide information in small amounts. As harsh as it seems to confess everything at the one time, it is better as it is all out in the open and then she can consider her options, and start to heal. Information dripped out over time restarts the process with each revelation and makes it extremely difficult to move forward.
I wish you both all the best.
X
RicoDavidson
Fapstronaut
Sorry I haven't posted for almost a month. I was hoping to post sooner with something more positive. I have been reading other posts. Here it is Christmas Eve. I told Kathy about my extramarital activities on December 4th. I did full disclosure and told her that I progressed from porn to seeing a friend. I told her that it had been going on for about 4 years. The discussion turned into somewhat of an argument albeit one sided. I had no defense. We really haven't talked since. We are essentially living separate lives under the same roof. I go to work come home and as soon as she knows I am home she goes into the bedroom and stays there. I have tried to talk. I am hoping she will listen that I am trying to change. I have volunteered to work and be at the office every day so I can give her free time at home. I mailed her a letter and saw that she didn't read it. The envelope seal was never opened. I text and call her.
I know the holidays are an emotional time of year. I am hoping that after the new year she will listen. I am asking a lot of of her to forgive me. I would not blame her if she never did. I know that at the most I can only expect partial forgiveness for what I have done because it is done and cannot go away.
I have to admit I thought I would feel better having the truth heard. But with what has happened so far I really do not.
I don't know if she will leave me. I will give it time. I have no other choice right now.
Thank you for all your support and suggestions. I am hanging in there.
Hope everyone has a great holiday!
I know the holidays are an emotional time of year. I am hoping that after the new year she will listen. I am asking a lot of of her to forgive me. I would not blame her if she never did. I know that at the most I can only expect partial forgiveness for what I have done because it is done and cannot go away.
I have to admit I thought I would feel better having the truth heard. But with what has happened so far I really do not.
I don't know if she will leave me. I will give it time. I have no other choice right now.
Thank you for all your support and suggestions. I am hanging in there.
Hope everyone has a great holiday!
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seventyniner
Fapstronaut
Wow, Rico. Full disclosure - can't even imagine how much courage that must have taken. To tip over the first card of your house of cards.
Sorry about all the rubble you have to live in right now. And yet her reaction is as expected. I hope she has someone to talk to about what has happened. At least there are no more lies.
Give her more time. And yourself.
That's maybe the hardest part. You can't make her talk. You can't make her listen. You can't tell her how you've changed. All you can do is change and hope that at one point, she will see it. You're going to need a lot of patience there. Make her life as easy as you can. Don't talk about getting groceries. Do it. Don't talk about how you have taken her car to the shop. Just do it. Be her knight in shining armor, even if she doesn't throw you kisses. She can't right now.
Talking about change: Congratulations on one month free of PMO! That's a lot of hard work, and you are proving your point. Well done.
Sending you strength!
Sorry about all the rubble you have to live in right now. And yet her reaction is as expected. I hope she has someone to talk to about what has happened. At least there are no more lies.
Give her more time. And yourself.
That's maybe the hardest part. You can't make her talk. You can't make her listen. You can't tell her how you've changed. All you can do is change and hope that at one point, she will see it. You're going to need a lot of patience there. Make her life as easy as you can. Don't talk about getting groceries. Do it. Don't talk about how you have taken her car to the shop. Just do it. Be her knight in shining armor, even if she doesn't throw you kisses. She can't right now.
Talking about change: Congratulations on one month free of PMO! That's a lot of hard work, and you are proving your point. Well done.
Sending you strength!
CountryDude
Fapstronaut
I know I have an opposite opinion to most people here and it may not be appreciated and I am going to get shot down by everyone here, but anyway I will continue.
I wonder if she realizes that expecting you to be celibate is what caused this?
In my opinion, it is cheating to get into a "sexually exclusive relationship" and then take away sex completely. Yes, I am saying that she cheated you.
When we meet our partners and fall in love. It is based on intimacy, affection, and sexual attraction. Yes, there are other things there too, but it is based on a different connection from what you have with other people in your life.
When someone takes away that, they take away what the relationship was based on. Then it becomes just like housemates, colleagues, regular family member etc etc.
So now, you are living separate lives under the same roof, but how much different is it now to what it was before? It seems like you were living like that before anyway (well, on the threshold). She was quite happy that way.
So, what's changed? You think she is hurt. But really, she is annoyed that the previous arrangement (which she liked) has changed. She wanted you to stay with her while she created the relationship type she wanted (roommates/housemates).
She now realizes that, for you, it was unacceptable and you met someone else. She now realizes that someone else was interested you.
Basically, her worst fears came true. Her manipulation of your relationship resulted in you meeting someone else and she risked losing everything. She had hoped she could stay with you forever and never have to give you sex, intimacy or affection again.
Now, she will try to regain control by locking herself in a room, shutting you out, pretending she is hurt, making you feel guilty (though she doesn't feel guilty), while you try to fix things back to the way they were before (which is what she wants).
Once she has regained control of you, she will resume as before, except now she can use your "infidelity" against you forever.
Basically, from this day forth, your life with her is going to be a living hell.
I can see only two options (unless you want things to go back to the way they were before, except worse):
- You stop trying to fix things and wait until she starts talking to you again. You then tell her that you love her, but you need a wife and not a housemate. Otherwise, you will have to leave her, which you don't want to do - but she is literally forcing you.
- You leave her for someone who WANTS you.
I know everyone here will give me hell for this post, but I seem to be one of a few people around here who realize that a decade of celibacy in a marriage is unacceptable.
By the way, she may have already contacted a lawyer and they could be planning how to get every last penny from you.
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Phunkie
Fapstronaut
Rico, love you man!
Don't listen to the above opinion. Cynicism has never solved a damn thing in this world.
If you didn't care, you wouldn't be on here trying to find support. If people couldn't change, nothing could be achieved in this world.
I am a strong believer that people can change, that people can learn. Our addictions to PMO and the fact that we are here on this forum speaks to the fact that people can change.
Your wife can change. Your marriage can change.
All the bolded words above just seek to produce a reaction out of you, but it will not produce real change, which often takes a day at a time.
I'm rooting for you. No condemnation towards you or your wife. I've cheated before, my relationship is way better now after we came to terms with everything.
Don't listen to the above opinion. Cynicism has never solved a damn thing in this world.
If you didn't care, you wouldn't be on here trying to find support. If people couldn't change, nothing could be achieved in this world.
I am a strong believer that people can change, that people can learn. Our addictions to PMO and the fact that we are here on this forum speaks to the fact that people can change.
Your wife can change. Your marriage can change.
All the bolded words above just seek to produce a reaction out of you, but it will not produce real change, which often takes a day at a time.
I'm rooting for you. No condemnation towards you or your wife. I've cheated before, my relationship is way better now after we came to terms with everything.
Youknowbest
Fapstronaut
RicoDavidson, I am new to this thread, but I have read the majority of posts leading up until now and I must say, what a heart-wrenching position you are in! Although, you may not actually feel strong; in your weakness and vulnerability you are far stronger than anyone who remains closed off, especially if it involves something as deep-rooted as this.
I cannot begin to imagine how trying these times must be for you. Courageous, honourable, wise, and true...these are some words that come to mind as I think about your choice to confess to your wife. Whether you are seeing noticeable change or not, the fact that you continue to return with progressive news conveys a deep-hearted desire for change . You are changing.
Before reading your most recent post, I was beginning to wonder whether you were actually serious about change, but the fact that you have shared everything with your wife communicates your intentions loud and clear: You love her and yourself enough to unveil this deep, dark secret.
Not that this counts for much (if anything), but I—amongst others who hold to a healthy and reasonable position on the matter— am so proud of you. I am certain that your choice to let her know was, is, and will be best.
You mentioned you thought it "would feel better having the truth heard," but it has not. Now, just to be clear, I offer no judgment nor condemnation towards you, my friend. I can only attempt to understand what all has gone through your mind and heart from the glimpses expressed through your (deeply sorrowful) posts.
But, considering the gravity of the situation, it is only realistic to think how heartbreaking it must be for Kathy. If she did not love you, she would not be so upset with your choices. It might not be apparent from her reaction, but to receive news that her husband, the love of her life, has been watching porn and has had an affair with a family friend, is very likely devastating for her. The emotions, questions, doubts, confusion, pain, betrayal, are likely overwhelming unless she has an outlet. Therefore, could be a possible explanation for her behaviour, and for how long it'll last.
That all said, it is not all your fault; you both have a part to play in the disconnecting of your marriage. Not that it justifies your actions, it is important to acknowledge this fact. No less, you must remain honest with her and yourself from here on out.
I hope you (and her) know and remember that it's not all your fault.
I am no professional, though I care deeply. There is no doubt in my mind that you did the right thing, my friend.
It might not feel better, but deep down you have come clean; you've hit the lowest point possible; you have nothing left to hide; internally, You Are Free. No longer must you mask your feelings.
Now, it's only a matter of time before something happens. I really hope that it turns out positively, and that you may rekindle your relationship fully (sex and all).
My deepest sympathies go out to you and your situation, RicoDavidson. I look forward to hearing more of how things are going.
This'll likely sound vague but, sometimes things need to die before new, transformative life can emerge.
I cannot begin to imagine how trying these times must be for you. Courageous, honourable, wise, and true...these are some words that come to mind as I think about your choice to confess to your wife. Whether you are seeing noticeable change or not, the fact that you continue to return with progressive news conveys a deep-hearted desire for change . You are changing.
Before reading your most recent post, I was beginning to wonder whether you were actually serious about change, but the fact that you have shared everything with your wife communicates your intentions loud and clear: You love her and yourself enough to unveil this deep, dark secret.
Not that this counts for much (if anything), but I—amongst others who hold to a healthy and reasonable position on the matter— am so proud of you. I am certain that your choice to let her know was, is, and will be best.
You mentioned you thought it "would feel better having the truth heard," but it has not. Now, just to be clear, I offer no judgment nor condemnation towards you, my friend. I can only attempt to understand what all has gone through your mind and heart from the glimpses expressed through your (deeply sorrowful) posts.
But, considering the gravity of the situation, it is only realistic to think how heartbreaking it must be for Kathy. If she did not love you, she would not be so upset with your choices. It might not be apparent from her reaction, but to receive news that her husband, the love of her life, has been watching porn and has had an affair with a family friend, is very likely devastating for her. The emotions, questions, doubts, confusion, pain, betrayal, are likely overwhelming unless she has an outlet. Therefore, could be a possible explanation for her behaviour, and for how long it'll last.
That all said, it is not all your fault; you both have a part to play in the disconnecting of your marriage. Not that it justifies your actions, it is important to acknowledge this fact. No less, you must remain honest with her and yourself from here on out.
I hope you (and her) know and remember that it's not all your fault.
I am no professional, though I care deeply. There is no doubt in my mind that you did the right thing, my friend.
It might not feel better, but deep down you have come clean; you've hit the lowest point possible; you have nothing left to hide; internally, You Are Free. No longer must you mask your feelings.
Now, it's only a matter of time before something happens. I really hope that it turns out positively, and that you may rekindle your relationship fully (sex and all).
My deepest sympathies go out to you and your situation, RicoDavidson. I look forward to hearing more of how things are going.
This'll likely sound vague but, sometimes things need to die before new, transformative life can emerge.
RicoDavidson
Fapstronaut
The holidays are past. The home front is about still the same as before Christmas. I have still been working allot. I have a 70 mile comute so sometimes i stay overnight in a hotel. Actually thinking of getting an apartment close to work.
My kids are grown and out of town. My sister is out of town too. Kathy has a lot of family so she can spend time with them. Still not a lot of communication between us. Going to give it more time then see before anything permanent happens. I text her often so she knows when i am at work coming home or staying at work.
Sounds funny but at about 50 days of NoFap i am thinking clear and doing very well at work. Not really thinking about sex.
I know i am getting support and a lot of advice on here and i appreciate it. Going to get in 90 days. Still giving Kathy time. I am not giving up.
Country Dude, i respect your opinions. Can't say i disagree on your 2 options. We will see.
Thanks for your support Phunkie and Youknowbest. Really means alot. 147 days Phunkie you are doing great.
I don't regret anything that has happened since i started posting. At first i regretted telling Kathy but now, even with what happened I don't regret it. The weight is off me.
My kids are grown and out of town. My sister is out of town too. Kathy has a lot of family so she can spend time with them. Still not a lot of communication between us. Going to give it more time then see before anything permanent happens. I text her often so she knows when i am at work coming home or staying at work.
Sounds funny but at about 50 days of NoFap i am thinking clear and doing very well at work. Not really thinking about sex.
I know i am getting support and a lot of advice on here and i appreciate it. Going to get in 90 days. Still giving Kathy time. I am not giving up.
Country Dude, i respect your opinions. Can't say i disagree on your 2 options. We will see.
Thanks for your support Phunkie and Youknowbest. Really means alot. 147 days Phunkie you are doing great.
I don't regret anything that has happened since i started posting. At first i regretted telling Kathy but now, even with what happened I don't regret it. The weight is off me.
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Lazarus Shuttlesworth
Fapstronaut
Congrats on being close to two months. And I Hope everything works out wit you and your wife!
Selfdiscovery
Fapstronaut
@Ricoavidson:
Hi....
I want to say only two things in short.
1.fight to beat your dark stuffs(fpmo)anyhow.atlast when ull win,ull know its essense by yourself.that feeling is matchless.
2.please try to respect and enjoy your life in present i.e. with your wife.literally there is no end of lust ,desire.but if once you achieve a synchronism with things around you -be it nature,people or places or whatever,then life becomes an easy path.really!
These things have really a deep meaning.life is a beauty.we must improve ourselves up to a level and feel comfortable to appreciate and live that beauty.
It works man! It's fantastic!
Good luck!
Hi....
I want to say only two things in short.
1.fight to beat your dark stuffs(fpmo)anyhow.atlast when ull win,ull know its essense by yourself.that feeling is matchless.
2.please try to respect and enjoy your life in present i.e. with your wife.literally there is no end of lust ,desire.but if once you achieve a synchronism with things around you -be it nature,people or places or whatever,then life becomes an easy path.really!
These things have really a deep meaning.life is a beauty.we must improve ourselves up to a level and feel comfortable to appreciate and live that beauty.
It works man! It's fantastic!
Good luck!
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