No sexual bond

Hi Blackswan. Has your husband tried to reboot? Does he have PIED? I read many accounts of people who said they would rather watch P than have sex with their girlfriends/wives. I've experienced that to some extent myself although in my case it wasn't a lack of attraction but PIED and fear to be rejected because of it. Yesterday I read an account of someone who said he used to masturbate after sex with his wife. It could very much be the porn messing with your husband's head. If he abstained for 30 days I doubt he would just be passive. In any case the problem does not come from you. This is a certainty.

 

My heart aches for you BlackSwan. In my humble opinion, your husband is suffering terribly from porn addiction. He desperately needs help. (so do I) Please do not blame yourself. I know this may be the most difficult thing you ever do in your life, but try to forgive him and get him to change his ways. But do it in a loving way. If you can, and he responds, you'll end up happy. If you can, but he doesn't.....you will know.

Good luck. A lot of people are here to help. Find them. Ask them.

David

 

It's just too weird. He can't just tell you "I'm not attracted to you". The fact that someone could say thst to her wife is beyond me. I just can't understand how this is possible unless he has a mental health condition such as asexuality or something. But these are things I can't talk about because I don't know.

The only thing I know for certain is that tje problem does not come from you. There is something wrong on his end though, for sure. I am sorry for you

 

I'm sorry to hear about that. First of all if you haven't already you might try posting and reading the Rebooting in a Relationship forum, which includes the subforum for Partner Support - there are other women in a similar situation on NoFap.

From the guys perspective, I think it's fairly say it is a process. A lot of guys have the best intentions and are trying but even then it is slow, so it would not be sudden. He would have to be a changed person. Abstaining from PMO (if he is rebooting) may only be a part of it, it may not be enough and all those years of conditioning may not go away on its own - it may also take psychological work of some kind and actively working on himself.

So, is he involved in a reboot?

 

Does he want to change? are you 100% sure he is ready to quit porn? even if quitting will help him, it will never happen if he does prefer porn to your marriage and at that point I'm certain you know what to do.

 

Couples therapy is certainly a good step, taking it seriously. Personally I think the mind is just used to, in fact trained to wander and the more a guy can do to develop mental discipline the better. If anything changing your mind on a fairly regular basis is just a sign you don't know what you want, so it is also not true that he wants porn although the compulsion is obviously there.

 

The problem of all that is, he doesn't and i think he won't admit early that porn addiction is real, i think you need to introduce him to NoFap and sit down with each other and talk about your sexual lives with how his porn problems affect you, just be open about it with him, he's struggling with it without noticing it, i hope you find relief soon.

 

Dear BLACKSWAN, i feel for you After his reboot if he's successful with , his brain will be rewired to love you , adore you & seek your attention. It's amazing the way our brain works , I'm a guy & it happened to me i still have few withdrawal symptoms but I'm no longer interested in porn & very interested in real life partners. The brain can change itself remember that.

 

It is the porn 100%. My OH has been addicted since before we met. I realised this many years ago as he would watch it daily, while neglecting me in every aspect of our relationship. The only sex we had was me initiating and him completely void of any passion or intimacy, just wanting to get it over as fast as he could. It took 9 years for him to accept his addiction.

He quit 10 days ago and went straight into flatline. I think the immediate flatline is what made him realise how dependant he was. These last 10 days he has been present, kind, thoughtful, sweet, friendly. Already a different person. It's like he suddenly realised what he'd been doing to himself, me, our relationship. It is honestly the biggest relief of my life. Through dealing with his past neglect I have also developed my own issues of fantasising to orgasm etc, so we are working on things together now, I quit all that the same day as him and can already see changes in myself too.

You husband will have to really want to quit. In the past i had even moved out for 2 entire years, split our family in two and even that didn't make him quit. Point is you can't make him unfortunately, he has to realise it himself.

My heart goes out to you. I know exactly the pain you are going thru. I promise you, you are not the problem here.

Edit: my OH has also told me the problem is that he's not attracted to me, and that he's bored of me. It is amazing the hurt they are willing to cause to protect their own addiction!!

 

Bluebell made a great point. If he's defending his addiction, then watch out. If he's admitting things.....there's hope.

 

That's extreme indeed. They are lucky to have you both. You are very patient.

 

I had got to the point that I gave him permission to sleep with other women if he quit the porn. This was my own fantasy anyway so i thought why not let him have it in real life.. despite how much i hate porn i never really believed sex with the same person for the rest of your life was totally healthy or realistic. I had suggested an open relationship in the past but he could not deal with me going elsewhere. So i thought, if he could quit porn, be present, kind and intimate with me, and meet my needs, an occasional treat on the side to give him some variety was something I was totally ok with. I think this was a turning point because even with total freedom he didn't want to go elsewhere. He only wanted porn still. I think that's what made him realise that the porn was controlling him.

I'm not recommending this as a course of action to others, and I realise many people frown upon this kind of thing, but it's just my experience.

 

I am quite lucky in that having children did not really alter my body. But I still wasn't good enough, because who can be good enough when he's wired his brain to only be turned on by 'perfect' (fake) sexual scenes on a computer screen.. no one. It didn't matter how fit I kept myself, how often i waxed, how many frickin kegals I did, how horny I was, how good I looked or even how good I felt about myself, I got rejected. At best I was an afterthought, or something he felt he 'had to do' once in a while to keep me sweet.

You can't reach his standards sexually while he is addicted to porn, and this isn't a problem with you, it's the porn. Because porn sets a completely unachievable standard, and an unachievable high. That's the problem. Don't get me wrong, I do believe that it's really important to look after yourself and keep yourself attractive for your partner. But you have just had a baby. You have got to cut yourself some slack and stop blaming yourself x