No trauma after sexual abuse but life went to shit

Hey I just wanted to say I,m sorry for you and I have much respect that you have overcome the drugs and much of pmo (your 120 day streak or what ever)! I hope you will overcome this too!

 

I was groomed then seduced by a teacher as a teen for 6 years. I don’t dislike him any longer. He also encouraged my talents and exposed me to many wonderful adventures and ideas. I did become promiscuous and drug involved for a number of those years. Mostly just wish I could have developed naturally but that wasn’t how it was to be.

 

@Mitness Rough man. My condolences.
I was seduced and mounted by a baby sitter when I was 3 years old who told me to "pee inside of her" and when I refused to, she slapped me repeatedly. That was the last time she took care of me.
The second time it happened was when I was 5 years old when my uncle told me stay home from school, and decided to give me a shower. Instead, he undressed me, told me to not lift my head up or scream no matter what I felt and told me to bite down on his pillow on his mattress. His girlfriend watched and held me down as he bent me over and raped me.

I've spoken to them two and interacted with them a year ago, but I've always wondered why I never felt comfortable around them. Now I know why.
Around the age of five, I also didn't understand why I crapped blood for a week straight and had no control over my bowel movements for a couple of months. Nosebleeds, constant nightmares, night terrors, sleep paralysis, panic attacks, paranoia and insomnia. I also watched my first porno at that age as well. So that didn't help either and as a kid, I was highly sexual. Something a kid should never be at that age. I thought about suicide a lot, death, and was alone and depressed a lot. I also got beat by my father and mother a lot growing up and at school. Luckily, I read up about the effects on drugs, and having a controlling father, I never got into drug addiction nor was I ever interested in it. But PMO and sex addiction was HUUGE for me. I've been battling it ever since.
I discovered nofap when I was 18, when I had sex with my girlfriend at the time and couldn't maintain an erection or orgasm. I thought, "what the hell? Im young, I should be able to be hard!" Then I discovered Nofap, and I've been on and off nofap for 5 years now. Never gotten a streak past 24 days but I'm hoping to change that!

 

@Breadman @Mitness It's horrible that you guys went through with that. I truly hope you're in a better place. If you guys ever need to vent, or talk or whatever, feel free to msg me anytime.

 

Count on me as well. Just like my motto, sharing the load helps.

 

I'm not going to pretend that what happened to me was as bad as some people here mentioned in their comments but i had an abusive older friend when i was 9 years old (he was 13) and when we played wrestling he would hold my head down on the pillow by my neck and rub his bits against me and the sound of his breath in my ear still makes me cringe. He also liked to blind fold me and get me to find objects on his body (which were always in his pants). I fear if i ever meet him again i will end up in prison for murder. It was around that age that i learned how to masturbate and he was the first person to show me porn as well, it was before the internet was affordable but when it was available in our home when i was 14-15 it was like opening up a pandoras box. Got involved in drugs too, drinking as well but for the most part it was your average social kind of using except later on when i discovered cocaine, that really had a bad effect on me and my tastes in porn progressed on to worse and worse stuff. I now have a criminal record because of the content i downloaded which i'm not proud of but it gave me the motivation to get proper help and i'm over 3 years clean and sober from everything except coffee! I think abuse in childhood carries a deep rooted trauma, it's made worse by the fact as a child you are not able to articulate yourself or express yourself in a way that might convince another adult of what has happened. I remember trying to tell my mother at one time when i was young and she told me not to be so silly. unfortunately that is quite a common response, although these days i would hope parents are more aware of the signs of abuse. I don't think i will ever know whether i became addicted to porn or drugs because of abuse and even if i had a certain answer i can't change the past i can only work on myself for a better future.

 

Yes. It steals any hope of just growing up and fulfilling who you were meant to be. But we can discipline ourselves to still accomplish good things.

 

@thorswrath32 I'm sorry that happened. I myself was confused if this trauma was truly a deep rooted problem to my pmo addiction, but for me, I think it's too obvious that I can't deny.
But yes, don't let this thing control you. Keep fighting man!

 

Not any more. I confronted him face to face a couple years ago and saw his regret and shame. He says he truly thought he loved me. And he did encourage me to persue my dream.

 

He’s in his late 70’s now. It was over 50 years ago. Forgiving himset me free of my anger. If he did this to others I do not know. I don’t want vengeance.

 

The way i see it is i was lucky to realise and understand how being an addict and using porn lead me to make poor choices but it doesn't define who i am as long as i choose to build on the good parts of me and keep a close eye on the negative parts ie: my addictive and compulsive nature. Abstinence is really the only way forward and it's worked for me for the last 3 years. I'm doing fairly well at the moment and my life is as normal as it can be given my situation, I'm working, i've got hobbies i enjoy and a couple of friends left who still want to know me. I think the hardest thing with having a conviction for something which is a highly emotive crime is finding the courage again to go on a date, that's what i'm really missing right now is some female company, i spend all day with builders on a construction site and sometimes its nice to be able to enjoy a female perspective on things, it would be nice just to have a female friend really since my sex drive is almost non existent (i think i've used it all up!)

 

@Mitness I try to deal with it through rigorous exercise, weight lifting, jump roping, meditation, writing, drawing, playing music, taking walks and whatever that helps me release all of these intrusive thoughts and emotions that cloud my better judgment. But sometimes, admittedly, they can be too much. Meditation and working out does help tremendously but I always have my days of weakness no matter how I feel.

Damn man. Did you ever have nightmares about those incidents? And did anyone else have a clue?

Same to you. I hope things work out well for you. We all need the most help we can get.

 

@thorswrath32 Your number count and story is inspiring. Any pointers on how you coped with it all?

 

@Breadman Are you at peace? I respect your notion of no vengeance. No need to spread more anger, even if that person did you wrong. It takes a true measure of strength not to take revenge on those who have caused us tremendous grief and pain.